Why can't he be the one? (long, sorry, and first post)

[broken karma]

Hello Everyone...

 

I've been a guest here for a while, and everyone seems so kind and helpful. I have something going on in my life (my love life) that is tearing me apart, and I don't know what to do about it...

 

I'm in my 30s, and have been single all my life. I've had relationships, but for one reason or another, they have never made it to that final step of committment (I was too young, they were not ready, we were not right for each other, etc.). Right now I have deep feelings for a man that I can never have, because he is with someone else. He knows how I feel, and he and I have never acted on these feelings; we never will, because he is a good man, and believes in loyalty and commmittment in a relationship (as do I, so I would never hurt what he has with her). We are close friends, and nothing more. I cannot say I don't love him, because I always will...but I know it will never be more than what it is now.

 

I met a man over a year ago, and we were together just for one evening (nothing physical happened, but we became friendly). We've emailed, talked on the phone, had msn conversations via webcam, etc., ever since. He is very sweet, very kind, very loving towards me, and is so considerate and thoughtful. Any time I've needed help or a shoulder to cry on, he is there for me, no matter what. He has often told me that any time I want to move to where he lives and be his wife, he would happily marry me and make me the most treasured, most loved woman in the world...

 

The problem? I DON'T LOVE HIM. I think he is sweet, kind, thoughtful, funny, intelligent, and genuinely a great guy, but I can honestly say I don't love him at all.

 

Tonight (just a few minutes ago, actually) on an msn conversation (with the webcam on), we were talking about my mom and making a good impression with her, and I joked that if he brought her her favorite flower, that she would be "all his." He asked me, "What can I give you to make you all mine?" Out of the blue, I started to cry...just like that, and I couldn't stop. He kept apologizing, and I told him it wasn't his fault, that it wasn't anything he said...

 

I just kept hinking to myself, "no one has EVER asked me that before...why did it have to be him?" And I don't even mean why couldn't it be the guy I'm hung up on, but why couldn't it be ANYONE I'm hung up on?

 

I think to myself many times that I'm in my 30s, all my friends are married and have children, and I don't want to be alone all my life. What if this guy is my only chance? What if I turn him down and no one else comes along that will love me the way this guy loves me? He tells me I'm smart and beautiful and wonderful and special all the time...but I just feel nothing for him except fondness and friendship. I've tried so hard to feel about him the way he feels about me, and it's just not happening.

 

I'm so scared to throw it all away, that I will be throwing away the best thing that I will ever get, but I don't know what to do...I'm still crying over this. I just don't know how to handle it...can you learn to love someone? Should I marry him and hope that I will learn to love him? I'm so tired of being alone, but I'm so scared of making the wrong decision...

 

Thank you for reading this.

[Midvalley]

Dont be so hung up on relationships. Learn to love yourself first, because you'll have to be with yourself for much more then a lifetime.

Loving someone doesnt mean you have to be in a relationship with them, and im proud of your respect of commitment. Though one should be more commited to the ones he/she loves, as opposed to those he/she is obligated to. If the man you love, loves you too, you should be together. Sure, his significant other would be heartbroken, and his virtue damaged, but you only get one life, live it how you want.

Its never too late for you, dont panic. You shouldnt be with a man you dont love, nor should you compare yourself to your married friends. Stay calm and be patient, you'll get exactly what you want. Its a shame you dont love this man who desires you, but if you dont now im sure you never will.

Life isnt always about love, you could simply be with him because its convenient, because it would make you happy in different ways. But love is certaintly the most fullfilling aspect of life, and it will be yours, just have faith.

A love is out there for you, an appropriate one, and it will come to you. I know you're scared because you're feeling behind the curve, but you're still very young, and it will never be too late. Go with the man you dont love now, and you may find your love further down the road, messy situation. Be strong, be patient, you're going to be alright. =D

[Celadon]

Hi karma, I know what you're at. I'm like you, wondering when Mr. Man is going to show up and sweep me off my feet. I get guys who show interest, but the feeling just isn't mutual. Should I adjust my expectations or hold out for the real thing? Sometimes I have to admit, I don't know if I'm right in holding out...

 

We all have to ask if we're being unrealistic. But at the same time, we have to trust ourselves and our judgment. I think it's important to be impressed in some way with the fella. Respect for who he is and the choices he makes is critical.

 

I also find compatibility to be an issue. It's not enough just to be impressed with someone. There's a guy who's been hoping to get together with me for a year, and he's really nice and has a good heart, but his thought processes and ideas make me shake my head. I have to try way too hard to meet him in the middle.

 

I've decided to keep looking and not commit myself to anyone because I don't want a short term relationship. Hopefully you're in a city or suburb where there are lots of people around. I say, you never ever know when you'll meet someone -- through work, through friends, through social clubs, through classes. Two of my friends met at a public park for gosh sakes.

 

It'll happen. I'd suggest going out and trying to enjoy your life, so that the guy you end up with meets you as a happy fulfilled woman.

[iamwhoiam]

after reading your post, i understand what you're going through. i, too, have been single for a long time now. i am starting to wonder if i will ever find mr. right, or if it's just not meant to be...

 

but, in the meantime, i think you should continue to work on loving and accepting yourself. continue to seek your passions...try new things...meet new people (aside from all of your friends who are already married.) most of my friends are married and having kids, so i understand it's difficult.

 

however, i truly believe that god has a plan for us all, and that is what keeps me positive and content when times get hard. maybe you're not meant to meet the right man right now.

 

i am sending you a copy of a poem once given to me from a close friend when i was ending a long-term relationship (in college, so long ago-hahaha). this poem, to this day, is framed on my wall. it reminds me that everything happens for a reason AND when it's mean to be. i hope this brings you some peace of mind.

 

take care,

t

 

His Plan for Your Mate

 

Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone, to have a deep, soul relationship with another person, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian, says, "I love you, My child, but until you can be fulfilled in living, loved by Me alone, until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me. Stop planning. Stop wishing. Just allow Me to show you My plan - a plan so wonderful, you can't even imagine it. I want you to have the best, so let Me bring it to you. Keep watching Me expectantly. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that is only found in Me. Listen to and learn from the things that I tell you. Be patient. Don't be envious of the things that I have given to others. Keep your eyes on Me, or you'll miss the wonderful things I want to show you.

Then, when the right moment comes, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could ever have dreamt of. You see, I am working to have the two of you ready at the same time. When both of you are satisfied exclusively with Me, you will be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. This is perfect love.

My dear child, I want you to experience this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me. I want you to enjoy the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I am God Almighty. Believe and be joyful."

 

-Author Unknown

[wlfpack81]

I'll make this short from a guys perspective. If you don't love him then don't become his mate/wife or whatever b/c you'd be settling. And that is NOT fair to this guy (who seems to fit the nice guy mold, there to listen, shoulder to cry on). I know you say he cares for you deeply but if you really value him as a friend then you won't take this relation to the next level if you don't like him in that way.

 

Just my opinion as I don't want this nice guy to get the short end of the stick. I know you're lonely (heck I'm 23 and already feel I'll never have a wife, kids etc.) but still I wouldn't settle as again it's wrong to do this to that guy.

[Shidoshi]

I would also like to add that you should make it VERY clear to him that nothing of the sort could ever happen between you both because you don't see him as anything more than a friend. You probably realize this, but the guy is only hanging around you in the hopes that something more will eventually result. This guy is only setting himself up to be heart broken. I just hate to see guys act this way only to dig themselves deeper into an emotional hole. How do I know this? I'm a guy.

[Jetta]

I didn't read the responses, but I have to say I envy you for being so strong that you don't settle for this guy despite his admiral qualities. I wasn't so strong and I have lived to regret it. If you have met one love you know it's out there, and you will meet another or maybe one day you and this other guy will be able to connect. But for now work on yourself, become the person you want to be. Your love will arrive in due time.

[Caldus]

Don't settle for him! Don't put yourself through that! He is obviously missing some qualities that you would really wish for him to have. So move on and forget about getting involved with this guy romantically. By all means do not lead him on! I did this to a girl that I didn't actually love a while back and she ended up going through a lot of pain. It was unfair for both of us. I didn't get into a relationship with her but I continued to date her even though I knew she wasn't right for me. I didn't want to hurt her but I ended up doing so anyway because I led her on. You need to give "that talk" with him now and not later! It will be for the better for both of you. Trust me.

[broken karma]

Thank you, ALL OF YOU, for the thoughtful, and very helpful replies. I guess when you have no one right here with you that understands what you are going through (I live in a small town and single people are not that common here...lol), you start thinking you have very few options. It's true...I don't love this guy now, and I never will. But he is wonderful, and deserves someone who *will* love him, the way he should be loved. It's just not me.

 

And I deserve that too...thank you all, for reminding me of that.

[Mermaid]

Hmmm... I'm torn about how to reply. My initial reaction was to say that you shouldn't commit if your heart was telling you not to, because doing so would ultimately end in misery for you both.

 

Then I remembered that I've been in a similar situation. A few years ago, I met the most incredible guy in the world and he fell head over heels for me. He was gorgeous, intelligent, nurturing, creative, funny, sexy and the man every woman dreams of, and he treated me like something precious and valuable.

 

But I wasn't in love with him. We were wonderful friends--best friends, in fact--but I was so committment-shy that I couldn't let myself be open to the possibility of more with him. My friends thought I was insane--they all wanted him and thought it was stupid of me to let him go.

 

So, finally, I decided to give it a try--to let our best-friendship evolve if it could, to more.

 

Guess what?

 

That guy is the one in my signature and avatar--he's the absolute love of my life, and I can't imagine my world without him. Everyone who knows us or sees us together is envious of our deep connection and the way we love each other; my own mom says she has never met two people so perfectly matched. We're in the process of moving in together and will eventually be getting married. He's my soulmate, my best friend and my lover... and I almost let him get away.

 

Don't give up on your friend, yet. Maybe you really aren't meant to love this man--but what if you are? I love my boyfriend so much that it hurts and we are ridiculously happy together. My love for him may not have hit me like a Mack truck, initially, but I certainly love him that way now. We've been together a long time, and I only love him more every single day.

 

 

[PrincessLinzay]

I would agree that you definitely shouldn't be marrying this man if you aren't in love with him. It's not fair to him or you. Everyone deserves to find love and happiness.

 

But I would have to wonder if maybe if this other guy wasn't in the picture, would you perhaps be more susceptive to giving the nice guy a fair chance?

 

It's easy to think yourself in love with someone who is not and has never been yours. But you really never know if they would have been compatible with you in the long run. You've never experienced him as a boyfriend, so of course he seems perfect right now.

 

You can't force your feelings, but I too have gotten into a loving relationship with someone who I didn't have those initial "sparks" for. Im glad that I gave him a chance.

 

Of course, it's up to you, and I definitely don't think you should just "marry him and be done with it". If it doesn't work, you just keep looking until you find the one that's right for you.

 

Good Luck!

[broken karma]

Oh, I understand what you are saying, completely...but the thing is, the guy who is involved with someone else is not in the picture romantically at all...those days were over before they even started. Yes, I have feelings for him, and I always will, but there's no way anything will ever happen, and I accepted that long ago. He has his life with her, and that's where he will stay.

 

It's not that I'm holding out for HIM, it's that I'm holding out for someone who will make me feel romantic feelings at all...this guy who is so crazy about me will do things for me that are terribly romantic, and I swear, it's like one of my "girlfriends" doing this stuff for me...I think, "oh, how sweet," but that's it...I never feel any twinge of romantic ANYTHING. I've tried and tried to give this guy a chance, but there's just nothing there.

[PrincessLinzay]

Well, it's definitely something you can't force. So I think you're doing the right thing if you're going to let him know that you don't have romantic feelings for him.

 

There's someone out there for everyone. 30 is not that old, I know your biological clock is ticking, but you don't have to listen to it! Just hang in there and someone will come along and sweep you off your feet. In the meantime, just make sure you're keeping yourself happy and not putting your life on hold while you wait!

 

Good Luck hun and hang in there!

[Celadon]

...this guy who is so crazy about me will do things for me that are terribly romantic, and I swear, it's like one of my "girlfriends" doing this stuff for me...I think, "oh, how sweet," but that's it...I never feel any twinge of romantic ANYTHING. I've tried and tried to give this guy a chance, but there's just nothing there.

 

Oh, I know what you mean. By any chance, was he raised primarily by his mother? The reason I ask is because I feel the same way about a guy, and he didn't have a father growing up, so the only way he knows how to love is like a mother. Sounds funny, but it explains a LOT. 8)

[broken karma]

 

Oh, I know what you mean. By any chance, was he raised primarily by his mother? The reason I ask is because I feel the same way about a guy, and he didn't have a father growing up, so the only way he knows how to love is like a mother. Sounds funny, but it explains a LOT. 8)

 

OMG, yes! His dad died when he was very young, and his mom raised him on her own...how strange is that? I never thought about that. Wonder what the connection is? I mean, don't get me wrong, he's a really sweet, wonderful guy, but he's just not the one for me.