My friends still interact with my ex on social media....

[IDer89]

So it's been a while since my last post and things have picked up. To give a brief back story I was with my ex for three years, one in the UK and then we moved to the US (where she's from) for two years and then I had to return to the UK alone. After five weeks of long distance she breaks up with me.

 

This is a woe about stuff occurring on social media in the time elapsed since our break up. I was removed/unfollowed by those nearest and dearest to my ex over the course of the last four and a half months, at my last count its was about 18 people. At first it really upset me but then I just put it down to one of those things that comes with a break-up, I was no longer in their life so there was no need to keep me on social media. The trivials of modern times as it were.

 

It does sting a little still as some of those people I'd spent a lot of time with, been for weekends away, shared rooms etc but I realised there is no likely situation that I'd ever be coming face to face with any of them again. Although from the pattern that some people dropped off it was very clear that it was at the request of my ex and not the individuals own doing.

 

The thing is that a lot of my friends still follow her and a few do interact with her. There is one of my good friends in particular (who is female) that will regularly interact with my ex still on the likes of Instagram, whether that be a 'like' or a comment on a picture. It does bother me as they wouldn't know each other if we hadn't have been together and as with myself and her friends/family - there is no likely situation that these two girls will ever be face to face again.

 

I've expressed to my friend how this makes me feel considering the nature of the break-up and what has gone on with those close to my ex in regards to removing me. However, she said that although she "has my back" she won't remove her as she feels its petty.

 

Although I 100% agree with her, I still can't shake the feeling of it upsetting to see her interact with my ex. If she wants to see her pictures or what she's up to then thats fine, but to actually interact with her really bugs me.

 

I have a bit of a brother/sister type relationship with this girl and regard her as one of my 'buddies' but she is very much aware of the turmoil that the break up caused me after I originally uprooted my life and moved countries for my ex. I want to approach the topic with her again and express my feelings and discomfort for the situation but I am not really sure how.

 

I have a suspicion that my friend might see a benefit in remaining connected to my ex as her parents were quite well off and connected in certain circles. My friend has a habit of gravitating towards 'influential' people and I feel she may think my ex may one day help her in some way.....

 

As a side note I have personally removed my ex however my friends activity pops up when I check who I'm followings activity on Instagram.

[Iggles]

OP, I remember reading your earlier post. That sucks regarding your friend.

 

However, you have already raised the issue once and responded that she won't defriended her. She has shown you where she stands on this, and lack of loyalty to you. Time to let this issue go, but do not forget her actions here. I would lower my expectations of her and focus my energy on cultivating friendships who truly have your back.

 

Above all, take a break from social media for awhile and don't let connections with your ex fill up any more of your mental space.

[Ms Darcy]

Different people have different attitudes about social media. I have a friend whose exes I remained in contact with via social media. It wasn't an issue.

 

What is she doing exactly. Looking at her photos? Liking some occasionally? This is one of those "pick your battles" situations. She's not going to dinner with this person or swapping secrets. She is having minimal contact with someone who left a relationship with YOU and not necessarily those in your social circle.

 

I sense some level of competitiveness here. It's not that you are expressing a hard-line belief that people should not follow exes. You sound upset that her friends unfollowed you and that you feel she influenced them to do so. In that case, it sounds more like jealousy and resentment here.

 

The best thing you can do is let it go. Over time, these things generally die down anyway. You have expressed your thoughts. Expressing your thoughts doesn't oblige someone to do what you want so doing it again isn't going to get you anywhere.

 

I also sense that this is some way of redirecting your focus from healing to something else. Stay off Facebook and stay focused on healing.

 

Good luck.

[AutumnBorn]

….She has shown you where she stands on this, and lack of loyalty to you...

 

 

I disagree. It's not a lack of loyalty to not unfriend someone because of a break-up.

 

OP, I think this lack of maturity and "I'm not going to like you anymore because…" says more about the kind of friends your ex has than you. They must be middle schoolers.

 

You posted: "...The thing is that a lot of my friends still follow her and a few do interact with her. There is one of my good friends in particular (who is female) that will regularly interact with my ex still on the likes of Instagram, whether that be a 'like' or a comment on a picture..."

 

It sounds like you see your friend commenting and liking on your ex's on Instagram? If you're following your ex on Instagram - do yourself a favor and unfollow. If her page is public, stop looking. You can't see the pictures of someone you aren't following or that isn't public and you can't see your friend's comments or likes. And, if you haven't, I think you should block her on FB. You need self-care right now, not self-torture.

[HighHeals]

I agree with OP here. I was going through the exact same thing. And im pretty sure OP is well aware that no one is obliged to maintain their Social Networking accounts to fit our wishes. But this is about a person being understanding of their friend.

 

When one of my friends, who had only met my ex just once, decided to keep her on his facebook even after we broke up, i approached him and kindly explained to him that having the feeling that he might know something that i dont know about her might create some tension between me and him everytime we meet. I did this 3 times, but he didnt follow.

 

What did i do? I stopped being friends with him, both on facebook and in real life.

 

First try and talk to her about it. If it doesnt work, its up to you to decide how you're going to deal with it.

 

This is not a question of loyalty, this is a question of a friend being able to understanding of your situation, being able to empathize with you and choosing your emotional health over being friends on facebook with someone she hardly even knows.

[amipushy]

If every friend was not allowed to speak to someone else's ex for fear of offending their friend we would all be walking around in silence giving everyone the cold shoulder.

[IDer89]

Thanks for the words of support all and for understanding the current spot I am in. To be honest yesterday was a particularly low day where thoughts of my ex were at the forefront of my mind, the first time this has happened in a long time to be honest.

 

I guess there is an underlying resentment and somewhat jealousy that those closest to her have completely shut me out where as my camp still welcomes her. When I think logically its very petty as this is all occurring on social media as both 'sides' are on different sides of the Atlantic.

 

I think there is also an element of "what is being said" to her friends/family that have allowed so many of them to drop off like they have done. I mean theres been people that perhaps were only socialised with once in a month at the most. I would hate to think I am being spoken of badly here as although I may have a few flaws, for the most part I believed myself to be a good boyfriend. Whereas since the break-up there has been some questionable actions coming from my ex that aren't very nice - for which my friend is fully aware.

 

I think underlining all of this it would have been nice for my friends to show support. It's not that I think no ones friends can be friends with their exes but the reality is a lot of my friends may have only interacted with her a handful of times.

[mhowe]

The element of what is being said should not be cause for concern, as YOU know the truth and need not apologize to anyone for your actions.

In addition, you really don't know what is being said --- and you will never see any of these people again.

 

Geography aside, that one of your friends keeps her social media contact in America ---- seems to keep you linked to your ex. Why not block the feed from YOUR friend so you don't see what she is doing? You can still see her/text her --- but her "social media" life will not influence you any longer.

[WithLove]

I agree with Ms. Darcy here. Pick your battles. Do you want to lose a friend over liking a picture on social media?

[Glamourice]

If every friend was not allowed to speak to someone else's ex for fear of offending their friend we would all be walking around in silence giving everyone the cold shoulder.

 

Well wouldn't it depend on what exactly happened between them? Is it unreasonable in some circumstances if cheating for example is involved.

[AutumnBorn]

Well wouldn't it depend on what exactly happened between them? Is it unreasonable in some circumstances if cheating for example is involved.

 

I think it's unreasonable. What happens within a relationship has no bearing on other relationships, no matter how superficial or close. They are entirely separate.

[IAmFCA]

We never get to tell our friends with whom they can be friends. We just don't. There is greater honor is being grateful that others are being taken care of or appreciated, or see in your ex some of the fun that once you saw too.

 

Our goal is to help ourselves and our friends live in an endless world, not a world of fences.

[Iggles]

P

I disagree. It's not a lack of loyalty to not unfriend someone because of a break-up.

 

This fails to take account of the varying levels of friendship. If you're a close friend and someone has been through a rough breakup – one that caused them to move 3000 miles back home – keeping in touch with their Ex in America who you will likely never cross paths again with in person is callous.

 

Not taking sides is appropriate when you are friends with both parties. When your close friend gets burned by someone you met through them, it's okay not to be neutral!

 

If every friend was not allowed to speak to someone else's ex for fear of offending their friend we would all be walking around in silence giving everyone the cold shoulder.

 

Hah, I don't keep up with my friends' Exes and I have plenty of people to talk to!

 

This is only true if you have a social circle with lots of overlap and in-group dating.

[AutumnBorn]

P

 

This fails to take account of the varying levels of friendship. If you're a close friend and someone has been through a rough breakup – one that caused them to move 3000 miles back home – keeping in touch with their Ex in America who you will likely never cross paths again with in person is callous.

 

Not taking sides is appropriate when you are friends with both parties. When your close friend gets burned by someone you met through them, it's okay not to be neutral….

 

I think it's a matter of maturity. We can only control ourselves, not others. If our friends must prove their loyalty by unfriending someone, we aren't really a good friend to them. It's OK to not approve of someone hurting our friend, but it has no bearing on the relationship with the other parties. This isn't grade school, so playground rules don't apply. No offense meant - I just remember a nearly exact scenario in fourth grade. It was literally called Playground Rules in my school - you couldn't play with the person your best friend didn't like - you had to dislike them, too.

[amipushy]

 

This fails to take account of the varying levels of friendship. If you're a close friend and someone has been through a rough breakup – one that caused them to move 3000 miles back home – keeping in touch with their Ex in America who you will likely never cross paths again with in person is callous.

 

Not taking sides is appropriate when you are friends with both parties. When your close friend gets burned by someone you met through them, it's okay not to be neutral!

 

If they get back together or he gets over her and they become good friends over time, is his friend allowed to be friends with his ex then?

 

I agree with Autun Born, its all very childish.

[IDer89]

P

 

This fails to take account of the varying levels of friendship. If you're a close friend and someone has been through a rough breakup – one that caused them to move 3000 miles back home – keeping in touch with their Ex in America who you will likely never cross paths again with in person is callous.

 

Not taking sides is appropriate when you are friends with both parties. When your close friend gets burned by someone you met through them, it's okay not to be neutral!

 

Thanks for the supporting words. This is the kind of sentiment I was getting at. These two girls were not friends before I was in a relationship with my ex. In fact they only really got to spend time together towards the end of our three year relationship when my friend came to the US and crashed on my sofa and we all spent time together. She didn't actually interact on social media with my ex until we broke up which is the bit that bugs me the most and why I want to express my feelings.

 

Like most situations in life nothing can be painted with the same brush and have a universal set of rules associated with them. Whats being expressed in this thread by myself and others commenting solely relates to the individuals in this situation.

 

I feel a little stung by the actions of her camp, like I said previously I could understand that there would be a couple of people that may drop off but the fact that it has been literally every person in her close circle leads me to believe it has been at the request of my ex. There was also one instant of being flat out ignored by her cousins boyfriend when I approached him about something to do with work. If this hadn't have happened, I wouldn't have cared who spoke to each other.

 

However, as it stand it truly makes me feel like accross the pond I'm being spoken about not too kindly where as this side it looks like my ex is the innocent party in all of this and has done nothing wrong.

[mhowe]

And in the big scheme of things...you will never see her or any one of them again so it matters not.