I'm in a state of shock how it ended! Total narcissist or just how breakups go?

[abitabove]

My x boyfriend would not agree to move further than boyfriend/girlfriend in our relationship after 14 months of dating and said we could move in together in 3 or 4 years when our kids go off to college. He called me 10 times a day and told me how much he loved me everyday for a year and put me on a pedistle. I thought things were progressing, but I guess the conversation soured the relationship. We have been broken up now about eight weeks after an odd fight one night. We both agreed to move on. I went no contact after 3 weeks and him stating he was mentally and physically over me. He called me ugly, which took me back as he was always very complementary to me in our relationship so I thought it better to move on ASAP as the comment was so out of character for him.

 

A few weeks ago he started contacting me by text for about 5 days in a row, which was odd as he had always called me. He would text that he was going to a party, that a couple he knew got engaged, about football, how was my family and then he sent a late night text stating take all our pictures off your facebook, which he must have stalked as we were no longer friends. It was an angry text. We got into a back and forth texting argument and he stated horrible mean comments about my physical appearance. That his new girlfriend was much hotter than me. That I would have to deal with my ugly face and she was beautiful. I mean low below the belt comments. I could not believe he was saying these things. So out of character. I gave it right back to him and his last text was you are a mean ugly person.Then he blocked me. Of course I have not contacted him since.

 

So NYE he posts a picture on his facebook of him and a new girl he has been dating for a month, which a friend showed me. He wrote that he was so in love and so excited to spend 2015 with her.

 

I am left shattered that the man I loved who treated me like a queen for 14 months totally devalued me and moved right on to another chick without missing a beat in front of all my friends in two months of breaking up. We are both 50 years old and way too old for such immature behavior.

 

I know I should be glad to be rid of him and I will go NC forever. My question is do you really believe narcissists exist or is it just the way relationships end sometimes and people handle break ups in their own way? I am in total shock by his horrible behavior at the end after being so loving for 14 months. Just wow!

[zebragirl]

Yes narcissists do exist. Some people are just immature though too. From what you described he sure didn't sound 50. Wow. Good thing you are going no contact.

[milly007]

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for what you went through with this guy. I can't believe the comments that he made to you. He sounds emotionally abusive. Good riddance to him! You don't need that in your life, so in my opinion, you're definitely better off without him. When you consider the things he said to you, I can't help but think that it will make it easier for you to move on from him. I know it's hard now, but eventually, at some point, you will think to yourself, "I'm so glad he's out of my life".

 

And remember, just because someone says hurtful things, it doesn't make them true. People sometimes act on emotion and he was most likely saying these things because he was hurt by what happened between the two of you (and not because he actually meant what he was saying).

[abitabove]

Yes, his actions do make it easier to go NC and move on, but psychologically it's done a number on me. Anger, revenge thoughts, and depression, which are not characterics I normally have. Just trying to shake it off and get my life back together ASAP. Ugh!

[catfeeder]

You hopefully already know that the insults he flung at you are not accurate. While it's not necessary to diagnose this guy, it's pretty obvious that loyalty is not his strong suit. While he may have been able to convince you of his undying devotion while that was convenient for him, somewhere along the line he diverted his focus to someone else, and so the only way 'out' for him was to revert to a middle school mentality and villainize you in order to justify for himself his own lack of ethics.

 

While that may come as a shock to you, his spinelessness and need to blame others for his own shortcomings was likely apparent to you at some point--and you cut him a break. But that fatal character flaw is something he uses however it's convenient--and in this case, he just turned it against you once he was confident that he'd lined up another avenue of pursuit.

 

While it may hurt, I hope it won't be long before you recognize how much better off your future will be without this guy. It might be helpful to consider any signs that may have pointed to his inability to remain loyal, such as a string of failed ties to family or friends or lovers along with an ability to convince you of his suffering at the hands of all of the unfair people. If this is not the case, then even worse--his ability to hide his true nature makes him all the more dangerous--but I doubt he's THAT slick if he's reverting to this kind adolescent treatment of you.

 

Write more if it helps, and we're here for you.

 

Head high.

[abitabove]

Yes, his sister often calls him a bully. There were some red flags for sure. Like him often trying to embarrass people about their shortcomings and being over critical with physical appearance. He has ADD, OCD and hypo mania for sure. He has never been married and yes several failed relationships per him due to she got too fat, I could do better physically, she had limited money, and she was just a friend I never loved her type comments. All red flags!!!

[milly007]

Yes, his actions do make it easier to go NC and move on, but psychologically it's done a number on me. Anger, revenge thoughts, and depression, which are not characterics I normally have. Just trying to shake it off and get my life back together ASAP. Ugh!

 

Please don't let his comments get to you. This is his plan. He was hurt by what happened between the two of you and by making these comments to you, he was hoping to bring you down to his miserable level. He sounds very cruel. The best form of revenge for you would be to move on and live a happy life without him. Think about what you can for yourself to make YOU happy. This guy is no longer part of the equation and isn't worth another thought. You deserve better.

[Willywagtail]

Yes narcissism does exist, and he sounds like he has all the signs.

 

Inflated sense of ones own importance and achievements, sensitive to criticism, love bombing at the start of a relationship, moving on quickly to new relationships.

 

Same thing has happened to me.

 

Don't beat yourself up about it.

 

There are heaps of really good sites on the web at talk about narcissistic guys, you'll find lots of parallels.

 

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[abitabove]

I agree! Thank you!

[saluk]

Sometimes you are just really blind to a persons faults when you are in the middle of it and can't see it until later. Also, a breakup is the perfect time for that kind of behavior to escalate. Rest assured, it was already there - just waiting for the wrong thing to set him off on you. Always be aware not only how someone treats you, but also how they treat others. Because when they see you as a threat they will treat you the same way.

 

Over time, you will probably remember more red flags that you hadn't really noticed at the time. But don't feel bad about yourself, these kind of people (and at 50 he surely has a lot of experience) are very adept at manipulating others to fall for their trap. The new gal is probably getting herself into a world of hurt

 

Let those bad feelings wash through you and don't hold onto them. It's normal to be feeling them though. Sometimes you just have to scream at the world until you collapse into a heap to get the poison out of your veins.

 

I hope you find peace!

[Ms Darcy]

Yes narcissism does exist, and he sounds like he has all the signs.

 

Inflated sense of ones own importance and achievements, sensitive to criticism, love bombing at the start of a relationship, moving on quickly to new relationships.

 

Same thing has happened to me.

 

Don't beat yourself up about it.

 

There are heaps of really good sites on the web at talk about narcissistic guys, you'll find lots of parallels.

 

Unless the person was diagnosed by a doctor, I think this is very unhelpful advice to be passing along.

 

Instead of trying to focus on what was wrong with the other person, focus on staying busy and healing.

 

The worst thing this forum does it perpetuate the "my ex has a personality disorder ... which I didn't realize until he/she dumped me" trope. Here's a great article about that: link removed

[ParisPaulette]

The guy sounds like a total nutbar. You should be celebrating being free of him. And yes, his sister, who grew up with him--totally nailed who he is.

 

Whatever he is he sounds extremely dysfunctional and I do mean extremely. Why are you surprised he had to race out and grab the next available chick? He has an image of normalcy to maintain and a gigantic bullying ego to keep up and can't do that alone.

[abitabove]

Ha! I love folks who are blunt and tell it like it is. Yep, he's wacky and I'm the fool for dealing with it for so long. I should rejoice that he made it so easy to move on. Would have been a heep of sadness coming my way and breaking the ties sooner than later deminishes that hurt. Thank you!