Is she guarding herself or keeping options open?

[frogman]

I've only posted my story once a long time before ( www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=30126&highlight= ). Basically, I broke up with my girlfriend over a year ago. Before that, I neglected her by focusing too much on work. I tried to get back together with her, but she told me that she was too hurt by me to trust me unless she lived in the same city. She said she couldn't think of marrying anyone else, but was scared and confused because it didn't work out before. I told her that I knew my priorities now and that she is number one to me, above everything else, and I'd treat her like that.

 

At her request, we did the whole no contact thing for a few months. In the last few months, we've been emailing. I usually initiate, but she always writes back, is very flirty, and always invites continued contact. I called her a couple times and she never called back.

 

Finally, over the holidays we spoke. The conversation was great—all of the sudden she was trying to get back into my life. At the end of the conversation, she apologized for not calling back last time, but talking to me made her really "confused." We agreed that we'd talk again soon. Since then I've called her once (a week ago) and she hasn't called back.

 

She also suggested I hang out with her best friend who lives here. I did and the friend kept on bringing up my ex. She said how unhappy my ex is right now (my ex told me six months ago that she hasn't been happy for a single day since we broke up). When I said that she was shutting me out, her firend said all I have to do is wait five months until my ex moves here and we'll spend time together. We were talking about being single and finding the right one and she looked at me and said something like "unless you've already found them and are just working your way back to each other."

 

So I guess my question is, how much should I invest in this girl? Could it be that she is really that hurt that she plans on getting back together when she moves here, but until then she keeps me at a distance to protect herself and avoid dealing with everything? Or is it that she no longer has feelings, but wants to keep from hurting me? Or is it just that she thinks that she'll find better, but wants to keep me around, just in case?

[cooldude1234]

Sounds like you hurt her pretty bad, and she never really got over you? This new contact is probably re-opening old wounds, so to say.

[HajiMaji]

Dude im not sure whats up. Maybe she was hurt really bad and it is hard for her to embrace you again. Its not your 'fault' she got hurt but that, its just how life goes, and it sucks.

 

Theres a fine line between working past old wounds to become stronger and lingering on.. I cant say what it is. Ill think about your situation, but right now i cant think of any good advice!!

 

As always, hang in there dude!

[From_Now_On]

To me it sounds like she really was hurt by you and wants you back but is scared. If you think she's worth it...prove her she can trust you now. If you don't think she is really "number one" in your mind, then don't waste your time...especially because if she truly was hurt you will hurt her even more. If you truly question your feelings for her...maybe it's best not to get reinvolved. Although in my oppion, (but bear in mind all I know is the little you offered about her), she seems to really care about you and just might be worth the time to regain her trust.

 

Best of luck.

[frogman]

Thanks for your replies everyone. You're right, I did (unintentionally) hurt her very badly. She's told me that she's never gone through anything so traumatic as our breakup.

 

From_now_on-- yes, she is #1 to me. Unfortunately I took for granted what I had until after I was able to sort some things out internally (after the breakup).

 

If she still has feelings, why would she limit her contact to strictly email, except for one phone call in six months. I think she's pretty clear that I want to get back together with her. I pushed hard before and now even though I don't bring "us" up, I am the one who is obviously driving the continued contact (even though she always thanks me for it).

[From_Now_On]

I can help you here I think

 

I think I would be the same in her situation. She can't help that she doesn't trust you and that she doesn't want to get hurt. I see it like this:

 

She likes you a lot. BUT, she doesn't want to get hurt again and she's afraid she will. So, she's not allowing herself to be a made a fool. She isn't going to just run back to you, she wants to make sure you mean it and keep after her. Because she thinks if you wait for her you might really mean it. She's glad that you keep the contact because she WANTS to get back with you...and she knows she shouldn't look so desperate for you so she has to keep to her own rules so that she doesn't feel like the love-struck fool. I say, keep at it. She likes you and if you keep after her, you will eventually regain her trust. But you have to work for it.

[frogman]

Thanks from_now_on. I guess that makes sense. So should I just keep contact with her and not push her? I want to be back in her life, but she definitely keeps me at a distance and at the same time never lets me stray completely away. If I knew there is an endpoint (like when she moves here), I think I could just be patient-- live my life and let things develop.

 

What does everyone else think? Is it likely that she's just hurt and protecting herself or is she just using me as a backup? It's hard because I did hurt her and know I have to work to regain her trust, but at the same time, I don't want to be played like a fool...

[From_Now_On]

Thanks from_now_on. I guess that makes sense. So should I just keep contact with her and not push her? I want to be back in her life, but she definitely keeps me at a distance and at the same time never lets me stray completely away. If I knew there is an endpoint (like when she moves here), I think I could just be patient-- live my life and let things develop.

 

What does everyone else think? Is it likely that she's just hurt and protecting herself or is she just using me as a backup? It's hard because I did hurt her and know I have to work to regain her trust, but at the same time, I don't want to be played like a fool...

 

I really don't think she's playing you...and I think you should wait for her. It's so hard to trust someone after being hurt before. Obviously you're not going to wait forever though, I say keep contacting her and so on. Tell her that you are willing to wait for her to relearn to trust you and that you hope to give it another shot when she moves out by you.

 

That's what I think anyway...good luck.

[frogman]

Thanks-- I get so frustrated with her sometimes. I guess I just need some reassurance.

 

I called her last week and we exchanged phone messages a few times. I left the last message (almost a week ago now), but she hasn't returned the call. I just don't understand why she goes from returning calls to not. Should I call again or just leave the ball in her court?

 

Sometimes I just want to ask why she doens't always return my calls. Last time we spoke, she told me she was confused, but I didn't really want to get mired in the whole relationship talk again. Should I bring it up next time we talk or just play it casual and never bring up the fact that I am the one making all the effort and ask why she goes hot and cold?

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi frogman,

 

absolutely agree with From-Now-on. I would act the same as your ex, and might even BE acting the same towards my ex right now.

 

I love him so much and really want him back, but I want to guard my heart and that's why I dont initiate contact with him, or even ignore some of his messages.

 

Did you tell your ex that you love her and want her back? How long after the breakup? What did she say?

 

From what you say it sounds to me that you hurt her a lot, that she loves you and wants to get back together, but she is scared.

 

Show her that you really love her by telling her, and by continuing to call her. Are you two LD? When did you last see her? Can you go visit her for the weekend? I think she wants you to pursue her and make up for the pain you called her. Good luck!

[frogman]

sorry-- repeat post

[frogman]

Thanks tryingtobestrong. I did tell her that I love her and want her back. She said she still loved me but couldn't learn to trust me again while we were at a distance, especially because it took me almost three months to change my mind.

 

She was here this past summer for six weeks and I tried to work it out again then. I pressured her too much because I felt like I had to prove it to her and have everything worked out in only six weeks. She told me she still loved me, but couldn't do it again now because she was scared that the distance would be too hard (it was my excuse for breaking up with her), I would change my mind, and she would get hurt again.

 

She asked if I would still be willing to get back together when she moved here (permanently) next year (now this year). I told her I wouldn't have any choice but to treat her putting it off as not wanting me enough and that I'd have to move on with my life. Obviously, I haven't been able to do that.

 

That was last July and we haven't seen each other since. She lives a few hours away. We didn't talk for a few months (her request), but I recently started emailing. She is very responsive to emails (and thanks me for them), but says she avoids phone calls because they're too hard. I never even bring up the relationship.

 

Do you think I should tell her I love her? I'm afraid it will cause her to shut down. The times I did it before last summer, she would end up crying, tell me not to say that because it was too hard to deal with, and eventually totally shut down. Last time we talked about it (last July), she said I was the "love of her life" but was petrified because she couldn't understand why she wasn't able to make me love her enough before.

 

Why do you not respond to your ex's calls or initiate anything? She does that to me and I'm close to giving up. She's everything I want in a woman, but I'm beginning to read her lack of responsiveness to phone calls as one thing-- a lack of interest in me. If that's the case, even though I don't want to, there comes a time when I have to move on with my life if it's a lost cause.

 

I get so frustrated and confused by her actions. I can understand if she thinks we shouldn't try to get back together when we're long distance (and think she's probably right). Still, I would love to have her in my life more than a weekly email. How do I go about rebuilding a friendship in the meantime when she won't always return my calls? What is a a low-pressure way to do it? Even though we played "phone tag" for a while, I was the last to call. I don't want her to think I'm desparate and will call again even though I called last.

 

She said before that my independence scared her, so the fact I continue to pursue contact with her despite her lack of effort probably makes her think something's changed. Question is-- does she think I've become pathetic or become more ready to be worthy of her trust?

 

Thanks so much for your help...

[qt]

she is doing exactly what your saying. she is waiting to be close near to get back with you but is keeping her distance to protect her self. i know this because im doing this. it hurts when the person you love breaks your trust

 

qt xxx

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear frogman,

 

my guy has not told me that he loves me or wants to get back together. He is just sending me emails, calls me Sweetie, signs with Love and asks how I am doing. That's all and I dont know what he wants. So I am ignoring some of his messages as I want to protect my heart and not show him how much I care about him.

 

Now if he would tell me that he loves me, misses me and wants to get back together, that would be a different thing.

 

>She asked if I would still be willing to get back together when she moved here (permanently) next year (now this year). I told her I wouldn't have any choice but to treat her putting it off as not wanting me enough and that I'd have to move on with my life. Obviously, I haven't been able to do that.>

 

That was last July? No wonder that she asked for a few months without contact after that. She probably hoped for something like: "I love you, you are the one I want. I will wait for as long as it takes."

 

If this was a test, then you definitely failed it. I understand if you dont want to come accross as needy and as too much in love with her (dont I too?), but if you want her back you have to take a risk.

 

Also you dumped her, dont forget that. This will be something that you can never forget. Things will never be equal between you unless you get back together and she dumps you.

 

Now that does not mean that if you get back together, get married and raise a family, that she will still be angry for that in 20 years. But at least for the next few years this will be something that she wont be able to forget, especially if it hurt her as much, as it seems it did.

 

So my advice would be for you to REALLY make up your mind if you love her and want her back for good or not. If you want to get her back it wont be easy and you will have to forget about your pride sometimes, so make sure this is what you want. (I think this is what she wants too. She wants you to be sure that you want to get back together, so you wont break up again with her, if things get a bit rough)

 

Now if you have decided that she is the one you want, then tell her so. If you have not told her since July, then she probably does not know that you still love her and want her back. She might be thinking all you want is friendship.

 

If you are afraid you will come on too strong if you just tell her how you feel, then start by writing her an email, signing with love. If you do that already, then sign with 'Love you'. You can also send kisses. If you have a petname for her, call her by it.

 

And most important of all, keep contacting her, even if she does not reply. Actions speak louder than words. And by keeping constant contact, she might develop a sense of being able to rely on you. At least to rely on your messages.

 

I hope my post helps a bit. Now may I ask you a question? So you told your girl that you loved her and wanted her back 3 months after the breakup? What made you change your mind? Were you in contact before that? Did you come right out and say it, or did you taste the waters first? I am trying to figure out my ex's behaviour, that's why I ask.

 

Good luck

[qt]

i agree 110% with the above post!!

 

you broke up with her so you hurt her, so be willing to put yourself on the line for her

 

qt xxx

[frogman]

Thanks qt and ttbs.

 

ttbs-- your post is extremely helpful. Thanks for taking the time for such a thoughtful response. What you say makes a whole lot of sense. My mind is fully made up. So much so that I'm willing to swallow my pride (which unfortunately is way too big). It's a balance though because I think she was always attracted to my strength and independence and I don't want to come off as having lost it. I think you're exactly right-- she started to bring up the relationship talk last time we spoke and I dodged it. Maybe I need to slowly increase the reassurance without pressuring her. I think your advice about the email is perfect.

 

As for your question, I never really changed my mind. I broke up with her partly because she started to make life-planning decisions based on our relationship and it scared me. She sensed this fear and started to push harder for commitment, which made me begin to shut her out.

 

I never decided that I wanted her out of my life-- I just needed some space to sort things out (work had become stressful and I needed to figure out my priorities). I dated her for so long and have not really had problems with getting women (as I said, maybe my pride is too big so I took her for granted and thought that she'd be easily replaceable by someone that wasn't far away. Ha ha. Wrong. I've dated plenty of people since and I haven't seen anything close.

 

We kept in touch—emails / calls a couple times a week. Within a week of the breakup, I broke down late at night and told her I messed up and regretted it, but didn't really ask to get back together. She didn't really say much and the next day I emailed her to tell her I was fine and thought that we probably needed our space.

 

After a few months of bar hopping (first time single in years) and, much more importantly, soul searching, I had figured some things out. She was not replaceable. She was much much more important to me than some job.

 

Once I was sure of this, I didn't test the waters. I didn't care about being rejected—I just went for it because I couldn't live with myself not having tried to get her back. Possibly too strong because she doubted me.

 

If you have any more questions about your situation, please let me know (either here or by PM). Again, thanks for your advice—I may have to come back here from time to time for some support. Five or six months is a long time to wait when I get so frustrated with what I sometimes interpret as her ambivalence. Worth it though if you and others truly think she cares and is just testing me in some way…