frogman

I would say that she was less someone to fall back on than someone to be wary of. When I finally met someone new that I actually liked (after a year of waiting for my ex), I started dating her. At the beginning, it was great. After four months, I didn't feel the same way as I had felt about my ex. After realizing that I was not in love with her and probably would not have fallen in love with her, I broke up with her. So while I was dating her when my ex moved here, we are no longer together. It would have been cleaner if I had realized that before my ex moved here. However, life is not always that simple. I was devastated by the breakup and had tried for over a year to get back with her. At some point, you need to pick up the pieces and try to move on. It was healthy for me to date someone new (as it probably was for my ex to date someone in between as well). Even so, I still have feelings for my ex that I have not felt for anyone else. For a long time, I waited for her and told her I wanted to be with her. In that time, she dated someone else, had a one night stand, and would come to me, only to push me away a few weeks. She never made a geniune, sustained effort to be my friend or keep any kind of relationship maintained for when she got here. Only mass emails and drunken phone calls. So yes, when she got here, not only was I dating someone else, but I was also angry at her for taking me so for granted that she thought she could walk back into my life and have me waiting (no matter how much I had hurt her before) and wary of her (because she had hurt me). So I guess my situation is that I would like to meet her in person to see if the feelings are geniunely there or only in my head. I think it is unfair for her to get here and expect for me to be waiting with open arms as she had rejected my attempts to get back with her for over a year. She would tell me she wasn't ready- she would keep me on the hook by telling me she loved me, but wouldn't actually commit to trying again when she moved here (even though she would say that this would be the best time). I felt as if I was the fallback guy. So, I guess my question is this-- if she is angry, that probably means that some feelings are still there. I know I have feelings. It may be too damaged to fix right now, but I want to try. I don't want to talk to her to find out if she's angry, but to see how to work things out. What is the best way to contact her and to let her know that without putting too much pressure on her or coming off as desparate?

I see both of your points about her feeling rejected, however, in my own defense we have been tough on each other. After we broke up, she moved on very quickly to someone else and dated him for months. Also, prior to her coming back (even in February), I let her know that I was still interested in working things out and she told me that she was not ready. After that, we didn't talk as much. She would send me mass emails and call only late at night when drunk. She never made any kind of genuine effort-- not even calling or writing on my birthday in May. I am sincere (and I hope not insenstive). I started dating someone only after we had been broken up for over a year and telling her that I wanted to get back together. She responded that she didn't want me to wait for her, but still thought we could work it out when she moved here. When we went to dinner, I never said anything about getting back together and neither did she. I was surprised because at the end of dinner she just assumed that she could stay at my place (even though she knew I was dating someone else). All in all, I'm not trying to blame her or get out of blame myself. I think we have both made mistakes. Now that I have the answer that it is apparently obvious that she feels hurt and rejected, how do I fix it? Especially if she won't return my phone calls?

It's been a long time since I last posted about this: link removed Basically, I broke up with my ex about a year and a half ago. After doing some soul searching, I realized I made a huge mistake and tried to get her back. She said she was too hurt to try again while we were long distance, but that she still loved me and thought we may try again when she moves here. Finally, she moved here this summer. I think it's what we were both looking forward to. We had been in sporadic contact over the preceding months and had told each other that we loved each other, but I kept some distance as she seemed to be depressed and needing space. I think I pushed too hard before and just wanted her to be happy and to be there for her. In the weeks leading up to her move here, she called a few times a week and things were fine. A week before she got here, we went to dinner. I thought it went well, but I think she was upset at the end. She asked to stay at my place, and I refused since I was dating someone and thought it would be disrespectful. I still have feelings for her and I'm not sure what to do. I want to get together with her to see how it feels. I called her twice in the last couple weeks and she has not called back. Why does she not return my phone calls? She only did this once before when she was angry at me. She may be mad that I told her she couldn't stay, but I'm not sure. If I want to see her, but she didn't return my last two phone calls, what do I do? I don't want to be pushy, but if she's upset at me, I'd want to know. Does anyone have any idea what's going on?

But if I don't tell her, we're still dating in six months, and my ex and I decide to give it another go-- wouldn't that be unfair to hurt the girl I'm with now without giving her a fair warning of the possibility (even if slim) before feelings get too serious? Or unfair to let her know that I still have lingering feelings for someone else?

I've posted my story a few times here before. Basically, I dated my ex for a long time and we broke up over a year ago after I was somewhat neglectful when we went long distance. I did my best to earn her back, but she said she was too hurt by the breakup and me not being there for her at the end. Even though she didn't think it was over between us, she couldn't regain her trust in me until she moved here. So now I've met this new girl. I'm extremely picky, so this is the first girl I've "clicked with" aside from my ex in well over a year. We're having a great time together and I feel like things are beginning to get a little serious. Problem is, I still talk to my ex every week or so. We've seen each other a few times in the last couple months and have talked about the possibility of us getting back together when she moves here in six months. Still, we're both concerned over the hurt we've caused each other, so it's no sure thing. Do I have a responsibility to tell the new woman? I know that would only breed insecurity in her and I'm not really sure what I'm feeling about my ex right now. I'd really rather have something new and fresh, but I'd be lying if the ex isn't somewhere lurking in the back of my mind.

It's not weird that she wears the stuff you gave her nor that she keeps your emails. Still, it doesn't mean she wants to get back together either. I broke up with a women I dated for several years and still wear the watch she gave me. I also still have the old emails she sent me. I don't want to get back together with her, but sometimes I look back at the emails because I really enjoyed the time we spent together and it's nice to remember it sometimes.

Thanks Ilse! I needed a slap in a the face and "whoah, get a hold of yourself man!" After a good night's sleep, some exercise, and your advice, I'm much calmer. I think you're right-- she's either angry at me for getting mad at seeing her ex or for telling her that I think she's playing with my emotions. I'll back off for a while and then see how it goes from there.

You're right-- I have to earn her back because she's said she's scared that I'll do it again. Still, I tried to sweep her off her feet before and she said she felt too pressured. I think she just wants things to be fun and normal-- nothing dramatic. How do I show her I really love her without all the "sweeping off her feet"? I would like to do it by being there for her, but this recent turn of events confuses me. She goes from being standoffish by flirty for months to calling me and saying how much she loves and misses me for a week or so and now I haven't heard from her for a week. Should I lie low for a while? What do you think she's thinking? Do you think she's changed her mind that quickly? It's weird because she's always said (even after we broke up) that she thinks we're meant to be together. When I saw her last, it was the first time she didn't say that. She said that she loved me, but that she didn't know because it didn't work out the first time and she's worried we've hurt each other at this point. We dated for several years so it's weird that a two weeks ago she says she loves me and thinks about me every day, she continues contact, and then just disappears. Do you think she's was lying to me? Or using me because she just felt lonely? Or do you think she's testing me in some way or sorting things out. It's tough because I care for her but don't want to be made a fool of.

A month ago, I wrote a little about my situation: link removed Basically, I dated a woman for a long time, took her for granted, broke up with her, and afterwards regretted it. I've done what I could to get back with her and she tells me that although she still loves me, she's afraid because she couldn't "make me love her enough before" and is afraid to get hurt again. We're in different cities since we broke up and she always talks about how it would be different if we were living in the same city. She's moving here this summer. We've had periods of no contact and periods where I continued to make contact and she usually responded positively, but guardedly. I continued it despite her not taking the initiative thanks to advice from this board. Finally a couple of weeks ago, she called me on her own initiative (after drinking) for the first time since we broke up over a year ago. She wanted to know why it didn't work before. She apologized for ignoring me sometimes and told me how much she missed and thought about me every day. Finally, I broke down and offered to come up to see her. She told me she's really messed up right now and can't be in a relationship but that she loved me and wanted to see me. When I got there, everything seemed right back to normal. We hadn't seen each other for eight months, but she talked about how it seems like it's only been a week. I spent the night there, we were intimate (at her urgring), and we were very open about how we were feeling and what went on in the time apart. We both agreed that we shouldn't be in a relationship right now because of the distance and because she is a mess emotionally (I've never really seen her like this), but that we would start spending some time together and talking more. I decided to let her take the initiative this time and during the last couple weeks, she would email me and IM, signing her emails "love." Still she never called me-- when I was up there she said she wanted to, but was scared to because she felt out of control. So, last week during an IM, she told me how she was going to watch her ex (before me) play in a hockey game, I lost my temper. I basically told her off for playing with my emotions and playing games. Afterwards, I emailed an apology because I blew it out of proportion, but it worried me that she was going to seem him (although she says she talks to him only once in a while and she only considers him a friend). This is uncharacteristic of me; when we dated, she sometimes wondered why I didn't get jealous. She didn't respond to the email apology, so I called her a couple nights ago and left a message just saying hi, but she hasn't called back. So, I'm really left at a loss. Why would she come on like that and tell me how much she needed and loved me, albiet somewhat cautious, and now drop off the face of the earth? Is she just messing with my head and using me as security blanket or could she really be this scared? Should I just drop it and let her make the next move? This confuses me so much-- I'd appreciate any thoughts of what could possibly be going on. It would be so much easier if she just told me that she couldn't see us together because this uncertainty drives me nuts.

Thanks qt and ttbs. ttbs-- your post is extremely helpful. Thanks for taking the time for such a thoughtful response. What you say makes a whole lot of sense. My mind is fully made up. So much so that I'm willing to swallow my pride (which unfortunately is way too big). It's a balance though because I think she was always attracted to my strength and independence and I don't want to come off as having lost it. I think you're exactly right-- she started to bring up the relationship talk last time we spoke and I dodged it. Maybe I need to slowly increase the reassurance without pressuring her. I think your advice about the email is perfect. As for your question, I never really changed my mind. I broke up with her partly because she started to make life-planning decisions based on our relationship and it scared me. She sensed this fear and started to push harder for commitment, which made me begin to shut her out. I never decided that I wanted her out of my life-- I just needed some space to sort things out (work had become stressful and I needed to figure out my priorities). I dated her for so long and have not really had problems with getting women (as I said, maybe my pride is too big so I took her for granted and thought that she'd be easily replaceable by someone that wasn't far away. Ha ha. Wrong. I've dated plenty of people since and I haven't seen anything close. We kept in touch—emails / calls a couple times a week. Within a week of the breakup, I broke down late at night and told her I messed up and regretted it, but didn't really ask to get back together. She didn't really say much and the next day I emailed her to tell her I was fine and thought that we probably needed our space. After a few months of bar hopping (first time single in years) and, much more importantly, soul searching, I had figured some things out. She was not replaceable. She was much much more important to me than some job. Once I was sure of this, I didn't test the waters. I didn't care about being rejected—I just went for it because I couldn't live with myself not having tried to get her back. Possibly too strong because she doubted me. If you have any more questions about your situation, please let me know (either here or by PM). Again, thanks for your advice—I may have to come back here from time to time for some support. Five or six months is a long time to wait when I get so frustrated with what I sometimes interpret as her ambivalence. Worth it though if you and others truly think she cares and is just testing me in some way…

Thanks tryingtobestrong. I did tell her that I love her and want her back. She said she still loved me but couldn't learn to trust me again while we were at a distance, especially because it took me almost three months to change my mind. She was here this past summer for six weeks and I tried to work it out again then. I pressured her too much because I felt like I had to prove it to her and have everything worked out in only six weeks. She told me she still loved me, but couldn't do it again now because she was scared that the distance would be too hard (it was my excuse for breaking up with her), I would change my mind, and she would get hurt again. She asked if I would still be willing to get back together when she moved here (permanently) next year (now this year). I told her I wouldn't have any choice but to treat her putting it off as not wanting me enough and that I'd have to move on with my life. Obviously, I haven't been able to do that. That was last July and we haven't seen each other since. She lives a few hours away. We didn't talk for a few months (her request), but I recently started emailing. She is very responsive to emails (and thanks me for them), but says she avoids phone calls because they're too hard. I never even bring up the relationship. Do you think I should tell her I love her? I'm afraid it will cause her to shut down. The times I did it before last summer, she would end up crying, tell me not to say that because it was too hard to deal with, and eventually totally shut down. Last time we talked about it (last July), she said I was the "love of her life" but was petrified because she couldn't understand why she wasn't able to make me love her enough before. Why do you not respond to your ex's calls or initiate anything? She does that to me and I'm close to giving up. She's everything I want in a woman, but I'm beginning to read her lack of responsiveness to phone calls as one thing-- a lack of interest in me. If that's the case, even though I don't want to, there comes a time when I have to move on with my life if it's a lost cause. I get so frustrated and confused by her actions. I can understand if she thinks we shouldn't try to get back together when we're long distance (and think she's probably right). Still, I would love to have her in my life more than a weekly email. How do I go about rebuilding a friendship in the meantime when she won't always return my calls? What is a a low-pressure way to do it? Even though we played "phone tag" for a while, I was the last to call. I don't want her to think I'm desparate and will call again even though I called last. She said before that my independence scared her, so the fact I continue to pursue contact with her despite her lack of effort probably makes her think something's changed. Question is-- does she think I've become pathetic or become more ready to be worthy of her trust? Thanks so much for your help...

sorry-- repeat post

Thanks-- I get so frustrated with her sometimes. I guess I just need some reassurance. I called her last week and we exchanged phone messages a few times. I left the last message (almost a week ago now), but she hasn't returned the call. I just don't understand why she goes from returning calls to not. Should I call again or just leave the ball in her court? Sometimes I just want to ask why she doens't always return my calls. Last time we spoke, she told me she was confused, but I didn't really want to get mired in the whole relationship talk again. Should I bring it up next time we talk or just play it casual and never bring up the fact that I am the one making all the effort and ask why she goes hot and cold?

Thanks from_now_on. I guess that makes sense. So should I just keep contact with her and not push her? I want to be back in her life, but she definitely keeps me at a distance and at the same time never lets me stray completely away. If I knew there is an endpoint (like when she moves here), I think I could just be patient-- live my life and let things develop. What does everyone else think? Is it likely that she's just hurt and protecting herself or is she just using me as a backup? It's hard because I did hurt her and know I have to work to regain her trust, but at the same time, I don't want to be played like a fool...

Thanks for your replies everyone. You're right, I did (unintentionally) hurt her very badly. She's told me that she's never gone through anything so traumatic as our breakup. From_now_on-- yes, she is #1 to me. Unfortunately I took for granted what I had until after I was able to sort some things out internally (after the breakup). If she still has feelings, why would she limit her contact to strictly email, except for one phone call in six months. I think she's pretty clear that I want to get back together with her. I pushed hard before and now even though I don't bring "us" up, I am the one who is obviously driving the continued contact (even though she always thanks me for it).