Is this a red flag?

[JGintheOC]

So without even meaning or expecting to, I met a cute guy through friends about a week ago. I went to hang out with friends to have dinner at a restaurant, when I noticed two guys I've never met before. Both were cute, one was more than the other.

 

He spent a majority of the time talking to others and I was talking to others as well but he did make a comment to me now and then. After the restaurant we all decided to go grab coffee and by coincidence the only seat left was next to me...again he maybe said 1-2 things to me but spoke to the guys mostly (5 guys and 2 girls in the group). One of the guys mentioned adding him on facebook.

 

Later on i noticed that one of my male friends added him on facebook so i said, what the hell...can't hurt. He added me right away and messaged me quickly, said he liked my photo and the hat I was wearing in it and that's how it progressed.

 

Whenever i'm online he'll message me...or we'll trade offline messages back and forth but whenever he sees me online he'll message me right away. Not that he was trying to, but some how everytime we've talked over the past day or so we end up saying jokes that end up sounding like innuendos and we've been bantering back and forth.

 

Problem is I'm not necessarily a prude but I'm more conservative. What's more important to me in the beginning is emotional and intellectual connection but I know how some males are so I'm not surprised but I don't want to give him the wrong impression of me.

 

I don't think he's a bad guy or he's wrong for telling dirty jokes and making innuendos frequently now but its not my thing.

 

Not sure if its a red flag seeing as we just met but it seems like every convo we have keeps leading in that direction (but its tame jokes so far).

[reinventmyself]

You already know the answer to this. Yes. .you don't know him and he's very brave tossing out innuendo hiding behind his screen. I guess to answer your question, would he be this way in person?

[JGintheOC]

All i know is he wasn't like this from the last time I saw him in person and so far he hasn't really taken it far, just tame dirty jokes so far. I am quick to balance it out and I think once he asked if it was improper but its continued so far.

 

If it ever progresses he'll come to find out i'm slow in the beginning.

[Hollyj]

What kind of things is he saying?

[trust101]

All i know is he wasn't like this from the last time I saw him in person and so far he hasn't really taken it far, just tame dirty jokes so far. I am quick to balance it out and I think once he asked if it was improper but its continued so far.

 

If it ever progresses he'll come to find out i'm slow in the beginning.

 

People can be completely dissimilar human beings online & in person. He sounds confident online. But in real life, has he asked for your number? Called you? Had a vocal conservation with you? Physically met up with you?

[Batya33]

What he was like in person was a first impression. He's a stranger. If he wants to see you in person he will ask you out on a date since he knows you are interested in him - you added him on Facebook and now you're flirting with him.

 

The more you chat with him and flirt the less incentive he has to put in the effort to see you in person. I don't think you should ask him out since you already initiated contacting him. I do think you should tell him that you are enjoying chatting with him but you're getting too busy to chat on FB and that hopefully you'll see each other in person again. (Typically I would suggest "I'm too busy to chat -let me know when you're free to meet up" but at this point I think you should be more subtle since you've been forward enough). If he suggests meeting up at his place or your place and doesn't respond enthusiastically to your suggestion to meet in public then you know that he is looking for a sexual arrangement and that he may have gotten that impression from the sexual jokes.

 

I don't think it's a red flag yet -it might simply be the impression he got from your behavior as to what you were looking for.

[JGintheOC]

What kind of things is he saying?

 

Nothing too major as I've heard worse coming out of guys' mouths when they talk to each other but the first occasion, i cna't remember what we were talking about but he mentioned my ass (positive compliments) and then he quickly corrected himself and said "crap did I just say that"

 

The next day we were talking about communication differences between US and other cultures and then I asked him wasn't he supposed to be at his sister's christmas party and he said "Yeah I was just relaxing before I head there..." before you know it I come to find out he had just self relaxed before we started talking and he asked if it was impromper to mention it, and I just said "Well I don't know. All i know is its nothing new as we all know that's what males do daily."

 

We kept talking about the Christmas par for a few minutes before I told him he had to leave before he was late.

 

That was basically it, I can't remember everything else.

[JGintheOC]

People can be completely dissimilar human beings online & in person. He sounds confident online. But in real life, has he asked for your number? Called you? Had a vocal conservation with you? Physically met up with you?

 

 

Last time I saw him was when I met him the first time about 5 days ago. But if I'm online and he sees me he'll messsage me right away and we've been trading offline convos if we aren't on at the same time. He hasn't asked me for my #, all I know he's been grading papers as the semester is almost over///already over.

 

Not that it justifies anything, nor does it mean he's just goofing around and has interest at all.

 

Just preparing myself as I am a slow one in the beginning.

[Batya33]

If he told you that he masturbated then you can assume he most likely has no interest in dating you with potential for a relationship. And he typed this, right? Of course he didn't just blurt it out. He wanted to see how you would react. React by walking away unless you're just interested in a fling. (and complimenting your behind when he first met you -same thing -you're not the lady he wants to take home to meet his mother someday).

 

He hasn't asked you for your number because this way he can type all the lewd messages he wants behind the safety of his computer screen and although hearing your voice would allow him to get to know you better in the ways that count, the only way that counts for him is for you to know that if he actually sees you in person he doesn't intend on self-relaxing but just being serviced by you.

 

I'm sure others will disagree -that's ok.

[Fudgie]

This is just my opinion, and I'm sure I may get some backlash for this, but if you're someone who is more conservative and values emotional and intellectual connection more, don't consider men who are using sexual innuendos outright.

 

I am more conservative and I get pretty put off by men who are very flirty and throw innuendos early. I think that it's more socially acceptable to do that because that's what many consider flirting.

 

Maybe I'm writing off good people that way but, yeah, I don't care. I don't wear my sexual side on my sleeve and I won't be compatible with guys who do.

 

If it's not your thing, don't put up with men who like to do that. End of story.

 

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[JGintheOC]

This is just my opinion, and I'm sure I may get some backlash for this, but if you're someone who is more conservative and values emotional and intellectual connection more, don't consider men who are using sexual innuendos outright.

 

I am more conservative and I get pretty put off by men who are very flirty and throw innuendos early. I think that it's more socially acceptable to do that because that's what many consider flirting.

 

Maybe I'm writing off good people that way but, yeah, I don't care. I don't wear my sexual side on my sleeve and I won't be compatible with guys who do.

 

If it's not your thing, don't put up with men who like to do that. End of story.

 

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Agreed. I'm just like you. THere's nothing bad about someone who is very "open" verbally but its just never been my thing. Intimacy means something to me. Right now he's talking to me as he initiated it again about christmas and what he loves about it. So far no innuendos but when I mentioned how when we were younger my parents allowed us to open 1 gift on xmas eve and the rest on Xmas morning and he said:

 

"Ah a little early xmas foreplay"

 

and then he said,

 

"that's a good strategy. some people open them all on xmas eve so they can sleep in the next day."

 

So it seems like he uses I don't know what you call it double entendres?

 

 

But I didn't really comment on the foreplay thing, I just continued the xmas talk.

[Fudgie]

I'm all for innuendo but not right off the bat when I barely know someone. It's a turn off for me.

 

The foreplay comment would make me go "ick". You were talking about a childhood tradition.

 

If you're not into that, don't consider guys who are into that. I don't. There are other guys who won't do that.

 

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[JGintheOC]

Yeah i know, I'm more into guys who come from traditional, brady bunch or all american families.

 

What I value in life is safety/security in terms of dating someone, besides intimacy and mental/emotional connection.

 

Not that our conversation means anything but I'm not really gonna think anything cuase as of right now all it is , is facebook conversations.

[reinventmyself]

There's a typical course in getting to know someone, respectfully.

You don't come out of the gate with sexual comments with someone you barely know unless you have a sexual agenda.

I think you're likely to make excuses for this guys behavior and not wanting to see it for what it is.

[JGintheOC]

I'm not seeing it for what it could be because ther'es nothing to "see". It's just facebook messaging lol its not like we're dating or hanging out. I can easily click delete.

[Batya33]

I'm not seeing it for what it could be because ther'es nothing to "see". It's just facebook messaging lol its not like we're dating or hanging out. I can easily click delete.

 

You asked whether you should "see" red flags. Yes, you should if you are looking at these interactions as the beginning of a potential long term relationship. No if you are looking for a fling because his interactions with you are consistent with a person who wants to focus on getting to know you sexually with little or no regard for getting to know you as a person he might want to have in all facets of his life. Click delete.

[BigKK]

I don't even know why you care about the red flags?

 

Some guy that hardly showed interest in you in person, you add him to facebook, he's crude and tells you he's masterbating, hasn't asked for your #, you two are penpals...not sure if it matters if there are flags or not, doesn't sound like he's that interested anyway

[Fudgie]

I'm not seeing it for what it could be because ther'es nothing to "see". It's just facebook messaging lol its not like we're dating or hanging out. I can easily click delete.

I think there is something to "see" here because you were obviously bothered enough to make a thread about it. I think deep down, this is a red flag for you. Click delete.

 

Btw, sexual innuendo is sexual innuendo, whether it's through face to face, the phone, text messages, or Facebook. Online activities make it easier for people to reveal their true selves. It's less "risky" to talk about sexy things with a new girl over FB than to her face.

 

He's showing you what sort of person he is. Believe him. Don't rationalize or make excuses. You will only be wasting time.

 

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