Made a massive mistake and looks like I left it too late.

[Dazednconfused79]

Thank you Cadence. You post gave me hope from all aspects of what you said. I want that acceptance, because then I know it leads on to the letting go stage and then things do get easier and I will be happier.

 

I also do still hope she is considering the letter, but the leaving me hanging is rather cruel. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that. I didn't go all out in the letter saying everything that I wanted to cover as it would have just been too much and bring up a lot of negatives, so I kept it to the most important things which allowed me to give the letter a much more positive and confident tone.

 

There are two side issues that I need people's thoughts on:

Firstly the perhaps easiest one. While doing the usual Christmas decorating last month I realised I still have a load of decorations that are hers. I don't want them around as a reminder and she forgot to take them when she moved out. - Do I return them to her or just give them away or bin them? Some of them I know she really liked and are quite individual, others are your more generic stuff.

 

Secondly we still have a joint bank account together. Neither of us use it anymore. She is an accountant so she will know it still exists, but I have all of the paperwork so only I can make the move to shut it down provided get her signature to do it. - Do I contact her to shut it down or just leave it for now? I don't want to make it seem like a petty move as she has not replied to my letter. It is not urgent that it be closed, but it is a loose end.

[Cadence44]

Thank you Cadence. You post gave me hope from all aspects of what you said. I want that acceptance, because then I know it leads on to the letting go stage and then things do get easier and I will be happier.

 

Start giving it to yourself. "This may not go how I'd prefer, and that's okay. I've done all I can and I'm going to be okay no matter what."

 

I also do still hope she is considering the letter, but the leaving me hanging is rather cruel. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

 

Nope, don't go there. This is the equivalent of the dumpee calling the dumper selfish. It is not her job to manage your anxiety. You want her to take this seriously, and in all likelihood, that's what she's doing. She doesn't seem the type to go for power trips and punishment, right? So we can conclude she is taking her time and considering what you said thoroughly. She is also putting it into context in her own life, and is probably wondering if you only want her now that she has someone else. You've got to let her work through these things.

 

It is YOUR job to manage YOUR anxiety. You strike me as someone who has an aversion to being emotionally vulnerable, both right now, and probably when you originally broke up with her. Why don't you work on that?

 

Even if you get her back, being vulnerable is still a relationship skill that you would need to have. What's going to happen if you get her and you start to feel smothered and engulfed as a result of your feelings and the commitment and you become scared to talk to her about it because then you'd be vulnerable? This fear of yours is likely why you didn't know what you had until you threw it away.

 

Again, these feelings are yours, and they are yours to manage so that you do not end up discarding someone valuable to you again. (her, or another woman.)

 

I didn't go all out in the letter saying everything that I wanted to cover as it would have just been too much and bring up a lot of negatives, so I kept it to the most important things which allowed me to give the letter a much more positive and confident tone.

 

Yes, that's fine. As long as the important themes were covered.

 

I say that you got to say all that you needed to because you had that time to edit. A conversation would likely have been met with her defenses up, so you likely wouldn't haven't been given the chance to cover those themes.

 

There are two side issues that I need people's thoughts on:

Firstly the perhaps easiest one. While doing the usual Christmas decorating last month I realised I still have a load of decorations that are hers. I don't want them around as a reminder and she forgot to take them when she moved out. - Do I return them to her or just give them away or bin them? Some of them I know she really liked and are quite individual, others are your more generic stuff.

 

Secondly we still have a joint bank account together. Neither of us use it anymore. She is an accountant so she will know it still exists, but I have all of the paperwork so only I can make the move to shut it down provided get her signature to do it. - Do I contact her to shut it down or just leave it for now? I don't want to make it seem like a petty move as she has not replied to my letter. It is not urgent that it be closed, but it is a loose end.

 

If these things have been fine up to now, why the sudden need to settle them? I think this is your anxiety talking. You can wait longer to see what she does. I think you have the instinct to reject her before she rejects you as a way to protect yourself from this vulnerability.

 

Your anxiety is not your friend when it comes to making decisions. It's what leads to impulsive decision making and pushing people away. Go read articles on Al Turtle's website about the lizard brain and what it does to relationship functioning.

 

Just keep yourself busy but also sit and feel the bad feelings that come up as a result of making yourself vulnerable. Becoming familiar with them and not letting them run the show will teach you how to lessen their power over your life.

[professorplum]

To answer your questions - do nothing. Don't throw away the decorations but just hide them as they are a reminder every time you see them.

 

Do nothing about the bank account. Why do you need to address that now?

 

Just wait it out. Good luck.

[Dazednconfused79]

Another very helpful and reassuring post Cadence. Thank you. I found it quite calming.

 

And I'll go with the thoughts on just boxing the decorations and bank stuff up and put it out of the way. There is no real need to deal with it now.

[Dreamfunk]

Hang in there dude. She will respond but in her own time, her heart and head could be telling 2 different things and she needs to figure things out for the best.

Carry on with your life and see what time brings.

[debrajulia1966]

Keep us posted of any developments.

[Dazednconfused79]

Hang in there dude. She will respond but in her own time, her heart and head could be telling 2 different things and she needs to figure things out for the best.

Carry on with your life and see what time brings.

 

I hope so Dreamfunk. I really really do. Surely it is not that easy to cast aside a letter like mine from someone you wanted to marry?

 

Well here we are on day 30 of no contact since she told me she was going to reply to my letter. All I've done in that time is drop some post round for her. 9 months on and stuff still keeps coming to my place.

 

Despite missing the contact we had before the letter, I have found it has helped a bit to distance myself from it. Knowing that any further contact would only lessen my chances has forced me down the NC route. I am in way better shape than I was on day one of NC. I do still hope for some contact and a response, but it's not doing me in like it was before. That is the only positive I can take from the situation right now.

[AintEasy]

I'm not going to lie, I wouldn't be surprised if she responds to your letter when you least expect it. I think it was "thekid" who said that women work on a emotional and then logical mindset while we do the opposite. I'm going to completely agree with him. So you have to think where her emotions are at right now. My ex told her friends she will always love me, she misses me, she may never find someone as amazing as me, and yet here I am with 33 days of not a single word from her. Why? Because emotionally, she is having fun being single and free. Does that deter my hope? Not in the slightest. Just continue moving with your life and do all you can to forget it. You said everything you wanted to say, you put it all out on the table. Now walk away from the table and just go live your life. You don't have to give up hope to continue your life.

[bastas]

Hi OP,

 

 

I've been reading your thread for quite some time, I just hope you are doing ok, sending hugs

[farmore]

I have just read the whole thread and am hoping on a good update but if there has been no progress then I really think its time to get some closure which means going over there.

 

She did say she would reply properly but that was 6 weeks ago... You have had NC in that time despite talking regularly pre-letter delivery. If it was me and I was in the situation you are in I would go knock on her door and get the yes/no/I'm not sure. Don't feel like your imposing cause you don't really have anything to lose right now.

 

I would find the time as its obviously controlling the majority of your thinking and your mental health should be a priority. It's unfair on you to wait for an answer (you do sound a very patient person) and no one should ever be left hanging. I have been left hanging before and its torture, however, getting an indication, even if its not what you want to hear, it will help you and allow you to move on with your life, grow from it and utilise the experience for a future relationship.

 

I was given mixed indications from my then ex and I ended up having enough and waited outside for him to finish work. He was pretty surprised, I didn't care if I looked desperate or needy, I just had enough of the wait and had to be put out my misery. It went okay and he was actually pleased to see me and I got a lot of things off my chest and he saw the emotion from me which was real and effective.

 

Although I would have approached the situation differently you still have done extremely well to capture your feelings in words and make her aware! I'd say it's time now to wrap it up if there has been no progression if its still effecting you mentally still? My justification of getting it wrapped up is that you split a year ago and I want you to be happy. Good luck Xx

[professorplum]

I would disagree with the advice of going over there. In effect, you have your answer in that she has not replied (I am assuming that is still the case). Turning up out of the blue could be interpreted as pushy behaviour. I still think there might be a chance in the future but no one knows whether that will happen and your best shot at that is having no initiated contact at this stage.

 

As best as you can, you have to accept that this is over and try and move on. This is why NC was recommended by people earlier in the thread. You have made it very clear where you stand and if and when she replies, you deal with that scenario when it happens. In my opinion, by going over there you are potentially re-opening old wounds and it is anyone's guess what kind of response you will receive unannounced. If you request a meeting, she will guess what it is you want to talk about and you run the risk of rejection.

 

My advice is to let it ride.

[Cadence44]

Agree with professorplum!

 

I was also concerned to read advice telling OP to go over there to talk to her. You do not need to do that to continue to move on with your life. Silence IS an answer for now, and pushing her to tell you as if she holds the singular key to putting your mind at rest will not reflect favorably upon you. You do not need an external person to tell you something to get your own closure or to make decisions for your own life. You did what you could, a symbolic "Hail Mary" pass, and you're now waiting to see if you get what you wanted.

 

The mature way to handle this is to continue to carry on and move forward as if she told you "no", because she has not told you "yes." It is better to detach, distance, and mourn and be pleasantly surprised than to hold out hope and be disappointed.

 

I maintain that not getting a "no" and having to live in uncertainty really isn't the worst thing that could happen here. She's thinking about it; there's no way she's not thinking about it. I've had an ex want me back out of the blue before, and the mood fluctuations can be unbelievable. I'll extrapolate my experience to her: remember that it is brand new information to her, though you've obviously been thinking about it for a while. Since she had no advanced warning, she'd built up and kept walls around her heart, and so one of her first reactions was likely to be anger and resentment. She may have felt friendly with you before the information because you were in a defined role - friendly acquaintance and not a romantic option for her. So the pain that surfaced once you reintroduced the possibility of being in a relationship together probably took her by surprise. She'd have to work herself out of certain negative emotions to see how she really felt, because the decision is a big one.

 

I'm thinking she said she'd respond, but has gone through several mood swings since then, and is still not clear about how she feels. I think that - along with comparing the guy she's dating to you and comparing their relationship to your relationship - is the source of the delay, and I don't think it's an unfavorable one.

 

Looking at this and thinking that she's punishing you by not giving you an answer or that she knows and just doesn't want to deal with would be a mistake. If she's a good person, it's not either of those. (Though, I'm sure she has moods where she doesn't want to deal with it.)

 

Don't put your life on hold, but have the courage to keep letting go and see what time brings. Respecting her by giving her time and space to work through her shifting emotions is your best chance at her coming around and being open to a future with you.

[farmore]

Agree with professorplum!

 

I was also concerned to read advice telling OP to go over there to talk to her.

 

It was what I would do in the situation and what I actually did and it worked. No one knows what outcome will come from either options but moving forward with the expectation that its over is easier said than done, but In my experience, closure one way or another is better for that, even if its rejection... least you know where you stand.

 

There is no right or wrong I guess and OP will know whats right for him I'm sure.

[Dazednconfused79]

Well I've been away from my post for a while as looking at it and the posts were helpful, but also not helpful in me trying to detach from it. So here is an update.

 

I did get a response from my ex. A letter 5 weeks after she said she would reply. So I received it 3 weeks ago today. It was a letter of 'no'. It was pleasant enough, but disregarded my change in feelings and outlook on our relationship. She trotted out the usual "everything happens for a reason", "we had some brilliant times" and "I hope you will find someone" lines. It cut me to the bone and sent me back weeks.

 

Then just now I received an email from her telling me she is pregnant, and it has been making her very sick, but she wanted me to be happy for her. This is with the guy she has only been with since last November, so she has moved very quickly there. Sadly I'm not happy for her. I wish I could be. I wanted that for us. Even after getting her letter I still couldn't abandon all hope and every day I had the thoughts that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. Well now it's there as a fact. And it never will be something for us. At the moment I am in shock. It feels like she is rubbing it in that I could have had it all with her and now she is doing it with someone else.

 

I don't know how I will cope with this. I honestly honestly don't. It's been one kick in the teeth after another and this is biggest kick of all. I've been the shadow of the man I was when I was with her and I can't see how I will ever get back to that again.

 

Thank you to everyone that has given me advice and wished me well in the past few months. It has helped me to carry on. I hope that for some of you things will work out, and I hope that not a single one of you have to go through what I am having to deal with and have had to deal with in this time.

[Cadence44]

I'm so sorry. I expected a different outcome for you. I know it feels awful, but you've got an answer now. Can you imagine the case of the "what if"s you'd have if you hadn't taken a shot?

 

I have to say that I don't understand why she emailed you to tell you she was pregnant. I don't blame you at all for not being able to feel happy for her. On one hand, she probably wanted you to find out from her; on the other hand, why was it necessary to tell you? And why (after knowing how you feel), would she ask that you be happy for her? That seems in poor taste and kind of cruel of her, frankly.

 

She and this guy are moving terribly quickly, which doesn't seem to be the most stable of decision-making. I don't think you've heard the last of her. For your own sake, distance yourself and don't be friends. You've got to put yourself first, and you need to heal and eventually be open to other women.

 

I don't know how I will cope with this. I honestly honestly don't. It's been one kick in the teeth after another and this is biggest kick of all. I've been the shadow of the man I was when I was with her and I can't see how I will ever get back to that again.

 

You've got her up on a pedestal. It's okay and it's normal. But she doesn't belong up there anymore. She wasn't the reason you were the man you were then; you were. That means you can do it again, all on your own.

 

There are other women out there with whom you can be happy, or even happier, and you need to get into emotional shape to where you're ready to meet them.

 

Don't be tempted to beat yourself up about this. You broke up with her because you were working with what information you had at the time. You didn't know you'd regret it like you did. Who is to say that you'd still be together if you hadn't broken up with her? Life is crazy and all we can do is learn from it, especially the painful stuff.

[Dazednconfused79]

Thank you Cadence. I thought I might get a different outcome too.

 

I know I have no choice but to move on now. Sadly the what-if's still run through my head, this could have turned out so differently. I just didn't get a break on this one. I made a mistake, but do I really deserve or need to be given the punishment I've had over the past couple of months or so from her. The letter was hard enough to digest on its own, but I could have dealt with it, adding the pregnancy on top so soon after is too much. It hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before. I've the joy to come of people asking me about it after she makes the big announcement.

 

If I'm allowed to be selfish, then it also feels unfair. Somehow absolutely everything has worked out great for her, she has the house she wanted, she has a new guy, she has the baby and likely marriage on the way. Yet I've had the roughest period in my life so far and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. One day I hope to be over all of this and see it as a lucky escape. A lot of people have said that to me as they saw her as someone that would be hard to be with long-term.

 

You're not the only person to say I haven't heard the last from her. Not that I've talked to many people about the pregnancy email. But the ones that I have spoken to were amazed at the pace she and the new guy are moving at and all have predicted trouble ahead. They barely know each other really and are still in the honeymoon period. I know how desperate she was for children and I can't help thinking that she made it happen and perhaps the new guy was not on board. I mean who after being with someone for 4-8 weeks decides to start trying for a baby? (She is due in August) Most guys would run a mile if this was put to them at that stage, or at least say to wait.

 

I've not replied to the email. I've no idea what to say. She will know full well that it will have hurt me badly. Why tell me about all the sickness? Does she want me to fell sorry for her?! It just felt like a proper face rub and no doubt she will do it again when they inevitably get married. And at the end of the email she said "speak to you soon". I do not think this is likely to happen. I certainly don't want to be friends, it would do me in.

[shessofly]

Wow she does move fast. I guess she really wanted that baby. I have been thru something very similar. Sorry this happened but now you have her answer and can move forward. I wouldn't even respond to that email. I can't imagine what her purpose was other than rubbing it in your face. Be happy for me and speak soon? For what? Nah...time to put her behind you. So sorry.

[Cadence44]

I know I have no choice but to move on now. Sadly the what-if's still run through my head, this could have turned out so differently. I just didn't get a break on this one. I made a mistake, but do I really deserve or need to be given the punishment I've had over the past couple of months or so from her.

 

Question that word "mistake." In retrospect, it was a mistake to you in certain circumstances, because your feelings ran deeper than you thought and/or the grass wasn't greener. The assumption you are making with that word is that you would still be together and be happy if you hadn't broken up with her then. You just don't know that. Let go of that assumption because it is causing you unnecessary pain.

 

What if you meet another wonderful woman tomorrow? You need to think that this can and WILL happen, that the last one was not your end all be all. Your story isn't over just because this didn't work out as you'd wanted. Now you have a better idea of the need to see things through when you really care about someone, and you will be able to use that lesson in future relationships.

 

The letter was hard enough to digest on its own, but I could have dealt with it, adding the pregnancy on top so soon after is too much. It hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before. I've the joy to come of people asking me about it after she makes the big announcement.

 

You know, I've thought about it some more and the pregnancy announcement really bothers me. It feels punitive, in a way. Like now that she knows that you care(d), she's forcing you along the journey with her. Like a "you owe me this." approach. It's certainly not emotionally detached of her.

 

A mature ex who was sensitive about the situation would have written a "This is really awkward but I wanted you to find out from me. I'm pregnant with x's baby. I understand if this means that we can't talk anymore. I will let you take the reigns as to whether you want to continue a friendship. Thank you again for your letter and take care of yourself."

 

Contrast this with what you got: the "I want you to be happy for me", the details about the sickness, and the assumption that she will talk to you soon. She's very much in a Me Me Me phase, isn't she? It's almost as if she used your letter as an ego boost. It does not point to maturity, that's for sure. Use this to take her off the pedestal.

 

If I'm allowed to be selfish, then it also feels unfair. Somehow absolutely everything has worked out great for her, she has the house she wanted, she has a new guy, she has the baby and likely marriage on the way. Yet I've had the roughest period in my life so far and there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

You are allowed to be selfish!

 

But do stop with the fatalistic thinking. Stop comparing the reality of your life with her highlight reel. She's pregnant and she's got no choice but to be fully in this, OF COURSE she's going to be presenting the world with a "life is fantastic!" story. She has to present that picture, and you don't know if it's real or not.

 

In reality, she got pregnant after knowing someone a month, and she took a great deal of time to reply to you... signals certainly don't point to everything being hunky dory in her world. But don't get wrapped up in her world, get wrapped up in yours.

 

How do you know there is no light at the end of the tunnel? Personally, I think if you heal from this and learn from it, you're going to be ready when Ms. Right walks into your life. Your story isn't over. There is zero chance that it is over. You only think that because you made a choice to pin your happiness on being together with your ex. That doesn't mean it's true. You can now make a choice to take your chances for happiness back and detach them from her, which I highly suggest that you do.

 

One day I hope to be over all of this and see it as a lucky escape. A lot of people have said that to me as they saw her as someone that would be hard to be with long-term.

 

You will be over this one day. I can see why people say that about her.

 

Listen, I know you only have eyes for her right now, but you have the qualities of what many women are looking for. Learn from this and you will be ready when the right one for you comes along. I know you thought this one was the one for you, but life has shown you otherwise. Grieve that loss (it is a loss!) and look forward, not backwards.

 

You're not the only person to say I haven't heard the last from her. Not that I've talked to many people about the pregnancy email. But the ones that I have spoken to were amazed at the pace she and the new guy are moving at and all have predicted trouble ahead. They barely know each other really and are still in the honeymoon period. I know how desperate she was for children and I can't help thinking that she made it happen and perhaps the new guy was not on board. I mean who after being with someone for 4-8 weeks decides to start trying for a baby? (She is due in August) Most guys would run a mile if this was put to them at that stage, or at least say to wait.

 

Adding a baby to the mix can rip apart established relationships, let alone ones that have little foundation, because things get real very quickly. It may not work out for her or it may. No one knows.

 

I lost a long time friendship with someone because she did something similar to your ex. One day she was visiting me and saying she was in her mid-30s and it would feel like a loss to never have a child. Next thing I know, she's calling me upset because the guy she was newly dating was very angry at her for something that was clearly not her fault, enough that her roommate was concerned about her. I tell her she needs to get away from him. One month later - "I'm pregnant and I want you to be happy for me." Yes, they tried for a baby within weeks of meeting one another, and she was already pregnant when she called me about his anger. I lost so much respect for her and stopped talking to her. It seemed so incredibly selfish of her to intentionally bring a baby into the world with someone she hardly knew so she could be a mother.

 

This was a few years ago and I see her pictures on facebook and though she is smiling she looks soulless.

 

People really do make decisions like this. Yes, you don't know if she had an "oops" baby, or if they both planned it. And you don't know if the guy sticking around is indicative of him being mature and wanting to be there for his child, or if he's someone who is impulsive and has white picket fence fantasies.

 

I've not replied to the email. I've no idea what to say. She will know full well that it will have hurt me badly. Why tell me about all the sickness? Does she want me to fell sorry for her?! It just felt like a proper face rub and no doubt she will do it again when they inevitably get married. And at the end of the email she said "speak to you soon". I do not think this is likely to happen. I certainly don't want to be friends, it would do me in.

 

As I said above, it does feel like there is an element of rubbing your face in it. For someone to do that, there have to be feelings there. The opposite of love is indifference, not anger or hate. Take that as you will, though. I think the only thing that you should take from it is that the picture she is painting is probably not real, and use that to detach from her.

 

I would either not respond and block her as a contact, because as I addressed above, it is pretty selfish of her to think you should stick around and be in touch with her given the circumstances. Or I would reply with a short classy message like "I wish you the best, but I'm not up for a friendship or staying in touch. Congratulations and take care." and be done with it.

 

As for others talking to you about it, just say "you know I wish her the best, but I don't want to talk about it." and change the subject. They'll catch on to any conversational boundaries that you put up and enforce.

[dmjord]

Agree with professorplum!

 

The mature way to handle this is to continue to carry on and move forward as if she told you "no", because she has not told you "yes." It is better to detach, distance, and mourn and be pleasantly surprised than to hold out hope and be disappointed.

 

This. I would go with this.

[Dazednconfused79]

This. I would go with this.

 

Hi dmjord.

 

I'm not really sure what you are getting at. The hope I had/have is for something that no longer exists. It exists only in my mind as a fantasy now. A vision of what could have been. There's nothing more i can do.

[Dazednconfused79]

Cadence I read your latest reply. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me about this and giving me your insight. I need that right now. You make a lot of sense. This is not how I should be feeling and thinking, but it is so raw right now that I'm obsessing about it and have been for 3 months now. I can't seem to switch it off, how long will it take?! I'm so centred around her at the moment in all of the ways you mentioned and I wish it would stop. Some of my thoughts are scaring me at the moment - I'm fairly certain you will be able to guess what I mean by that. I guess I should probably move on over to the Healing section of the forum!

 

I can easily recite all of the things that she did in our time together that made me end it, and not one person has told me she wasn't being horrible or unreasonable, but then I think about the ways I was unfair to her and that's where the what-if's come from. I need to find a way to see her as being his problem now. The baby will be a test enough, but when the honeymoon period wears off then the real her will also come out as well and that may be another test, as her pushy, bossy and controlling nature requires a certain type of person to be able to handle it. Either a very tough person or a pushover.

 

She announced her news to everyone yesterday afternoon. Even to all of my friends, people she has had hardly any contact with in the last 10months or wasn't even that close to. Some she will now be meeting up with for baby chats as they are expecting too. Why she felt the need to reach out to them I don't know. Why can't she just stay out of my world. The scenario is bad enough with it all happening only a few hundred yards from my home (she lives in the next street), without her continuing to stay in contact with people she knows will see me too. It means the reminders and updates will be there for months and years to come.

 

Her email was a bit more of the sensitive nature like you put it. I was doing her a disservice if it sounded like it wasn't. But it was not exactly like you'd suggested a mature sensitive ex would be. There was no show of understanding of how it would make me feel, other than wanting to me to hear it from her first. So I think your points still stand and there are some sort of feelings there. She can be quite a bitter person so I agree that it is possibly a punitive action at the same time. I feel that I do need to reply to it though, take the higher ground. I need to get the wording right, for some reason I still want her to respect me.

[pippy longstocking]

dazed I am sorry howit all turned out ...but why reply ...just walk away darling ..this has gone on and on and on now and as a result of you writing to her and waiting all those agonising weeks for a reply you are now shattered .....

 

when you go out of your way to make the wording right to ensure someone still respects you , you are still in that desperate place of "something" of having to leave it as "something" ... who cares if she respects you darling ...she doesn't ... she doesn't care ..why would she when you keep contacting her and she is now bubbling all over the place with her news ...

 

It is about time you thought about you ..YOU ..not her . not what she thinks ... just walk away darling , please , before anything else happens that just knocks you down again .

 

I absolutely feel so much hurt and dissapointment for you xx

[catfeeder]

dazed I am sorry howit all turned out ...but why reply ...just walk away darling [...]

 

I agree. You're asking how long it will take for your focus on her to fade, but that's up to you. I'd just accept whatever well-wishing she may have encrypted into her message and move on. If your paths cross again, you can be kind but brief, and move on then, too.

 

I'd block her out of all possible social media and ask your friends not to raise her with you. That's how people heal.

 

Head high.

[pippy longstocking]

I agree. You're asking how long it will take for your focus on her to fade, but that's up to you. I'd just accept whatever well-wishing she may have encrypted into her message and move on. If your paths cross again, you can be kind but brief, and move on then, too.

 

I'd block her out of all possible social media and ask your friends not to raise her with you. That's how people heal.

 

Head high.

 

seconded without a doubt

[Cadence44]

Cadence I read your latest reply. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me about this and giving me your insight. I need that right now. You make a lot of sense. This is not how I should be feeling and thinking, but it is so raw right now that I'm obsessing about it and have been for 3 months now. I can't seem to switch it off, how long will it take?! I'm so centred around her at the moment in all of the ways you mentioned and I wish it would stop. Some of my thoughts are scaring me at the moment - I'm fairly certain you will be able to guess what I mean by that. I guess I should probably move on over to the Healing section of the forum!

 

Yes, I can guess and I've been there myself. More recently than I'd like to admit, in fact.

 

You're stuck in a chain of reacting right now, and you've allowed such focus on her that she seems like the answer to all that ails you. But you give clues in your writing that she's not a wonderful person, so I have two bits of advice for you:

 

1. Where is this coming from? Did you have someone with her negative qualities in your life when you were a young child? Oftentimes when we have this focus on someone, it's because we're trying to resolve some lingering pain through that person. They are familiar to us, and we latch onto that familiarity as if they are the only person who can save us. I've seen many men do what you're doing: trying to wrestle with conflicting feelings of obligation toward a woman who, frankly, isn't that great, and it usually goes back to some poor parenting from their mothers. Maybe this is what is happening with you. Put some thought into it and if you come up with someone who acted like she acts, you'll understand why you can't seem to let it go.
   
2. When we have obsessive thoughts like this, we actually build neural pathways to reward centers in our brain. Once these pathways are established, it requires effort to break free from them. So you have to figure out a way to do that before you'll find relief. If you google thought-stopping, there are some techniques there. Also, have you ever tried mindfulness meditation? It's really wonderful for making some long-term changes in how we think. Something about sitting with ourselves, watching our thoughts pass and labeling them as "those are just thoughts", feeling our emotions pass and labeling them as "those are just emotions", can really break you out of thought patterns that have plagued us our entire lives. You become pro-active rather than reactive.
   

I can easily recite all of the things that she did in our time together that made me end it, and not one person has told me she wasn't being horrible or unreasonable, but then I think about the ways I was unfair to her and that's where the what-if's come from.

 

It's not unfair to end a relationship that isn't right for you. Believe me, I got broken up with out of the blue in the best relationship of my life just as commitment was coming. It hurts like no other, and I could guilt trip the hell out of him if I wanted based on promises for a future that were broken, but I choose not to do that. He did what he thought was best at the time and I have to accept it. There are no guarantees in life.

 

If I can have this view toward someone that hurt me in a similar way to how you hurt your ex, why can't you forgive yourself?

 

I need to find a way to see her as being his problem now. The baby will be a test enough, but when the honeymoon period wears off then the real her will also come out as well and that may be another test, as her pushy, bossy and controlling nature requires a certain type of person to be able to handle it. Either a very tough person or a pushover.

 

I understand that it's tempting to think this way, but you've got to distance yourself from the outcomes. They could do fine together and stay together, they could hate every minute of it and stay together, or they could split up. You don't know and it's not your problem anymore.

 

She announced her news to everyone yesterday afternoon. Even to all of my friends, people she has had hardly any contact with in the last 10months or wasn't even that close to. Some she will now be meeting up with for baby chats as they are expecting too. Why she felt the need to reach out to them I don't know. Why can't she just stay out of my world. The scenario is bad enough with it all happening only a few hundred yards from my home (she lives in the next street), without her continuing to stay in contact with people she knows will see me too. It means the reminders and updates will be there for months and years to come.

 

She's in Me Me Me mode.

 

As shooting star and catfeeder have pointed out, these things you worry about are under your control. Block her from what you need to block her from. Talk to friends and tell them you don't want to hear about her, not out of spite, but because you need to think solely about yourself.

 

Her email was a bit more of the sensitive nature like you put it. I was doing her a disservice if it sounded like it wasn't. But it was not exactly like you'd suggested a mature sensitive ex would be. There was no show of understanding of how it would make me feel, other than wanting to me to hear it from her first. So I think your points still stand and there are some sort of feelings there. She can be quite a bitter person so I agree that it is possibly a punitive action at the same time. I feel that I do need to reply to it though, take the higher ground. I need to get the wording right, for some reason I still want her to respect me.

 

Why do you need to reply? Why does it matter that she respects you? Neither of these things matter.

 

You are well within your right to go silent or to reply. But I'd like you to choose a course of action based on what is right for you, not because of what you want her to think of you.

 

If you reply, keep it extremely short and extremely classy.