It has been 6 months since he left today & I am still on the journey to healing

[miss_sunshine]

Well it is 6 months today since my ex of 11.5 years left. I have not seen him in all that time and I have only heard from him twice and the last time was an email that was over 4 months ago. It still hurts like a let me tell you. I miss him every day. I still do not understand what happened, why he left, why I was not enough, why my life had to turn out this way. I still find myself in shock that he is truly gone.

 

In many ways it feels like yesterday that I last saw him. I can still feel what it was like to be hugged by him, feel his kiss, see his smile in my mind and hear his laugh. It scares me sometimes that it is like I am still waiting for him to come back, like it is not real. I check the letterbox and still expect to see a letter or for him to turn up at my door and tell me how much he has been hurting. It still surprises me so much that we were just about to buy a house. We spent 18 months saving the deposit, looking at houses and then he decided he did not want marriage and kids. He told me frequently that he did, so I am still surprised sometimes. I thought we had something special, that we were best friends, that he would never lie to me, that he had my back and it turns out that was not true. It hurts so much that he cared so little for me that he was able to just walk away and never look back. That we really were not that special, that I did not really make him all that happy. It hurts that I devoted myself to someone for so long who never really appreciated it. That I was so selfless and tried so hard to make him happy and in the end he was so selfish and was stringing me along with lies.

 

I am very proud of myself that I have not contacted him in all this time. That 6 months later I am about to sign a contract to buy my own apartment, that I have a new job, and planning to travel next year, have been fitter and healthier and doing new things. I admit I am still not very happy and I am still in a lot of pain but I am trying very hard to move on. I am seeing a psychologist next month which I know I need to help me move forward. Sometimes I still sit by myself and talk to my ex (I am not crazy haha) and tell him how much he has hurt me, how much I still love him and I know I need to shift the focus off him and back to myself but it is just so hard to let someone who I loved so much and still do. I can not reconcile the love I felt, what I saw everyday from him, with the way we ended. I just do not know how to get closure and accept that it is truly over and we will never be together again. It hurts so much to know that never again will I lie next to him, kiss him, hold him, hear him tell me he loves me. I loved being with him so much and the feeling of closeness you have with someone when you have been through so much with them and have known them for that long was something that was truly magical to me and I miss so much. I also miss him - his laugh, his smile, the pet names we had, the fun we had and I just do not understand.

 

I am proud that I was open and honest with him. That I was not afraid to truly let someone in. That I could never treat someone I love, much less someone who was with me everyday for 11 years with so little respect. I am sad for him in some ways that he did not feel he could be honest, that what we had meant so little to him. I am proud that I have not just moved on and in a way proud that this has broken me so much as it shows I am truly capable of love and truly giving my heart and soul to another person. I hope one day he understands the pain he inflicted on me, understands just how much I loved him and was good to him. I hope all the love I have in my heart was not truly wasted and at one point he did truly love me and it was not all a lie as I sometimes feel it was.

 

Thanks for listening to my rant. I am determined to get through this and the next step is truly accepting it is over and that he did not love me like I deserve and forgiving myself as I know I tried my hardest.

[Lostsoul808]

I read your post and it just resonated with me because I'm there too. I'm sorry I don't really have any advice I just hope that we find peace about it soon. Keep going -- from what people say on this site, it gets better at some point.

[Mischa234]

I don't know if you are telling yourself this because it's easier to let go by saying this to yourself, but I would imagine that nothing could be further from the truth. I don't know much about your situation, but I get the feeling that all of a sudden he got cold feet on the future you were planning together and disappeared. If that is the case, I would say that he was just as involved as you were the whole time. He probably misses you just as much, feels awful about his decision and hurts just as badly. It is almost impossible for him to have been able to give you those feelings for so long if it wasn't real. Nobody is that good at 'playing games'. You are very special to him.

 

People are funny creatures, unpredictable and inconsistent yet we keep these dreams and ideals in our head that we hope we'll one day achieve and keep working on... Only to find that as time goes on those ideals and our values often change. What's more is how unpredictable life can be, that unexpected circumstances blindside us and force us to question everything we believe. That's not to say that what we once believed isn't justified in its own right, but that we have grown and our experiences have shifted our perception of ourselves and the world. That is one of the hardest parts of long term relationships - you can't predict how you will handle everything life throws at you. And even with the best of intentions you might wake up one day and feel like life's pulling you in a different direction.

 

I can't tell you why he might have done the things he did, but I doubt that he lied to you. It seems more likely that he wasn't ready to settle down because he still had something gnawing away at him telling him to go out and keep exploring and building on himself... And he didn't want to string you along while he did that.

 

If that is true, I would imagine that it all hurts just as much for him, but for different reasons. Look at what he had to give up to pursue what he doesn't know. It's never an easy choice to make.

[miss_sunshine]

I hope so too Lostsoul! And Mischa, thank you so much for your post. I really hope that is true. In my heart I believe that is true but then the lack of contact in 6 months tells me that he could not have cared very much. I just miss him so much and I know I will for a long time to come. It was really helpful to read what you had to say though, I really value other peoples input.

 

Life certainly is unpredictable and I don't think he would have intentionally set out to hurt me. Sometimes I wish I could just wipe my memory of him and the way it felt to have a partner in life for so long and it would be much easier. I hope sometimes he does think of me and finds it tough as to think of it meaning nothing in the end is very hard to bare.

[bigheart09]

My bf of 9 years just left me a couple weeks ago, so I understand. It sounds like you are on the right path. 11.5 years is a long time to be with someone. It is going to take a long time for you to completely heal.

[Mischa234]

I think in your heart you know his intentions were good and that he did care just as much as you. Men often withdraw when they are in pain, so I would actually think that the long silence is indicative of how much it hurt, not how little he cared.

 

I think it may be time you look at reaching out to him though. You have had NC for a long time, it's ok to check up on him to give you peace of mind. It will be a long time before he's out of your head, so at least those thoughts could be tainted a little more positively... Up to you. Think about it.

[kbbcoop77]

Don't reach out. You're doing fine it's gonna take time but you're not healed and over him. If you reach out it will set you back, been there done that. You're much better off NOT knowing what he's up to. Trust me.

[miss_sunshine]

I don't think I will reach out as you are right I am better not knowing. I really do not want to know if he is seeing someone new, if he is happier without me. The only thing I would want to hear from him is if he is regretful and sorry for the way things ended and if he was regretful or sad enough I figure he will reach out to me himself. I do hope you could be right Mischa and his silence is indicative of how much it hurt. I would hate to think he can just move on. It is going to be a long road for me, it is so hard to just move forward and try to forget everything I thought we had.

[rich1]

I don't think I will reach out as you are right I am better not knowing. I really do not want to know if he is seeing someone new, if he is happier without me. The only thing I would want to hear from him is if he is regretful and sorry for the way things ended and if he was regretful or sad enough I figure he will reach out to me himself. I do hope you could be right Mischa and his silence is indicative of how much it hurt. I would hate to think he can just move on. It is going to be a long road for me, it is so hard to just move forward and try to forget everything I thought we had.

 

My ex left me last week. We have talked twice since and I know that she is sorry about how it ended, that she loves me etc, and you know what? It probably makes it harder as you question why they're not there if they love you.

 

Keep going, you will be okay

[miss_sunshine]

Thanks Rich, that is so true. The two times my ex contacted me it certainly did make it harder. If I am honest I really thought he would come back and I really do not want to move on but somehow I have to. I just cannot accept it and it's all like some bad dream I feel I will wake up from. I thought he loved me. I have all these beautiful memories and love for him. I can still feel him with me as weird as that sounds. Arrrggghh I sound like a crazy person, I just have to let go somehow and believe he will never contact me again and accept it's truly over!

[Grace696]

babydoll I think you are doing really well. I'm impressed that you have managed to get a new job, buy a new apartment, etc, while going through this. It's probably going to take a long time to get over such a long and serious relationship, so try not to beat yourself up that you still feel unhappy. I think counselling is a good idea and I hope you find it helpful.

 

My ex of 6.5 years left me 4 years ago after a very happy relationship for similar reasons to yours (he then came back and then left again - the back story is all pretty much on ena). Anyway, it took me a long long time of grieving until I could say I was really happy again. To be honest, I still miss him and if I could wave a magic wand and erase the breakup I think I still would, but at some point I realised that this was what life had given me and I just had to make the most of it. I hope you don't find it depressing to hear that it can take such a long time to heal - for many people it is a lot faster, and it's not that life is awful for years, in fact it slowly but surely gets better. I'd recommend focusing as much as possible on what is going well in your life while allowing the grief to process and move through you.

 

One other thing: I also went through painful thoughts that this seemingly happy relationship must not have meant much to him, and that he perhaps never really loved me, and at the end I came to the following, still very sad but much more acceptable to me perspective. Whenever I found my thoughts going down the very bleak line of "he never really loved me", I would say something like the following to myself - perhaps something similar may offer you some peace: All signs (his behaviour etc) point to him having loved me very much during the relationship. He said he was happy, and until the end his actions were congruent with this, and I have no reason to doubt that he loved me during the relationship. For whatever reasons, at the end he changed his mind, and his feelings changed, and he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. But this doesn't mean he didn't love me in the relationship or that it was somehow a sham."

 

Good luck, babydoll. You're doing really well.

[miss_sunshine]

Hi Grace

 

Thank you so much for your post and inspirational words. It is so nice to hear you say that you think I am doing well. Honestly this 6 months has been so hard. I feel utterly broken and my self esteem is at an all time low so it is nice to hear that.

 

It is not depressing to hear it is going to take time to heal as I know that is the case. I love/loved him with everything I had. I feel no-one will ever love him as much as I did and I know it is going to be so hard to let that go. As weird as it is I still do not feel single, it is like my brain will not truly accept it is really over, even though I know it is. It is a weird thing to explain.

 

I will try to think positive and not let myself think he never loved me. I think it is just the fact that we have never spoken since he left and probably never will that is so hard to accept. I just do not know what I did for him to just walk away and never look back, it is completely and utterly confusing and drives my mind crazy as I thought we were happy, committed and were going to be together forever.

 

Thanks again. I am in a world of pain at the moment and it helps so much to hear from others who understand.