quarter life crisis?

[princess_fiona]

i realised how friendly and kind everyone here is so i have decided to join in... hope it's okay for me to share my thoughts here too..

 

but unfortunately, i spent the past hour typing my story and my browser crashed and i lost it all!!!

 

so... er... i'll keep it short n sweet now... and explain more for those who wanna know more later...

 

but anyway.. i was in a 3 yr relationship, bf was waiting to propose to me at the 'right' moment... freaks out coz he realises he doesnt feel the same as he used to... seems to me he's confused himself with love and infatuation.. i give him as much time and space as he needs.. break for month and a half, comes back to tell me he's sorry and realises i am perfect for him, wants to marry me.. month and a half later... back to worrying about what he feels... cold n distant... but i am patient and tell him its upto him to work out what he wants... then weeks later, he tells me he's met a new friend(girl) to use as a frame of reference to work out what he feels about me because he thinks he needs some comparison as he's had no other girlfriend before..but asks me to trust him its nothing of a romantic interest.. i initiate no contact.. 2 weeks later, he wants to talk, we agree to meet following week... meanwhile, via some mutual friend i find out he's moving on with this new girlfriend of his.. i find out that the girl's just come out of a long-term relationship too.. it then all makes sense to me that them two got closer by being each other's confidants thru their relationship dilemmas... and then the day me and bf were meant to meet bf texts me saying he cant come and that he's sorry. i didnt reply coz i thought at least he shld call... complete NC since then...still nothing from bf for almost 2 weeks since his last text.

 

so, he hasnt had the heart to tell me what it was he wanted to talk to me about.. which was probably that it's over for us...

 

and yes, i am being wise and am moving on because i have a lot to look forward to in my life ahead...

 

but my question is...

 

how can someone who's so loyal and trustworthy turn into someone the complete opposite.. and after months of stringing me along and me supporting him all the way coz he was so confused and lost, how can he just cut me out of his life and jump straight into a new relationship without a clean break from me?

 

i know it's emotional immaturity and possibly commitment phobia that has made him want to explore whether the grass is greener on the other side...

 

surely, this was just an easy way out for him... very selfish and cowardly... but how can they just act like everything is fine? even our mutual friends are ignoring me.. and i haven't done anything wrong!

 

NC is keeping me strong though... so i know i can get through this... but just wondering whether wot seems like an early mid-life crisis (he's 24) i.e. quarter-life crisis is a possible reason for this chaos.

 

anyway, thanks for reading this... ur an angel for just listening in to my story...

[RayKay]

Ouch, I am sorry to hear about this happening to you princess_fiona.

 

I would say that him moving "on" and being with this other girl definitely is a sign that things are over between you, whether he told you or not. But for the record, what an immature brat.......I know it still hurts whether I say this or not, but don't waste another minute even worrying over him anymore! Quarter-life crisis or not, he is not being a man and even when someone is having doubts, they talk to their partner and work through it if they are a man...not run away and into someone else's arms to "compare" another relationship to the one they have/had. That is just having your cake and wanting another one as well! (yeah yeah, I just don't get the 'real' adage).

 

Who knows what he told the mutual friends (he may have twisted the story around to make him seem like the good guy) but I advise you to pick up and move on, and keep up the NC.

 

He and the new girl "may" last, but I am putting my bets on they won't...as they are both rebounding. Don't take him back if he crawls back.

 

Best of luck and welcome to enotalone

[princess_fiona]

Wow, that was a quick reply! Thank you RayKay.

 

Yes... he's totally immature and not man enough to face his own truth.. must be his insecurity that has made him fill in the void with this new girl.. coz he knows she needs him and he needs her because they're in the same boat and in their own fanatsy world, etc etc...

 

i have a feeling that he's going to regret this big time.. because it was always him who wanted to marry me and i never told him i wanted to marry him any time soon... he just put that pressure on himself and then ran away by freaking out from his own thoughts and worries about us... i can understand that he just wanted me happy... but he should've known that his unhappiness would be mine too... so he should've talked to me first.

 

there was really nothing i could do. but i learnt an invaluable lesson that love is about patience, understanding, committment and believing in each other.

[Foz]

Sorry to hear about what happened.

 

Sounds to me like he is well confused but jumping into another relationship will not help him sort his head out!

 

At least he told you he had doubts, my ex kept them all to himself and without any warning moved out while i was away on a business trip! He then refused to discuss the break up with me. Why?? I dont know, I didnt do anything wrong.

 

I guess some men aren't really able for the confrontation that will inevitably arise during a break up so they literally run away! Cowardly i know but it appears some guys think this is an option.

 

His rebound wont last, he hasnt dealt with anything yet and it will probably hit him all at once and then he will know what a quater life crisis he created for himself!!

 

Take care

[princess_fiona]

you guys are all so sweet... thanks for your support..

 

i guess this really puts into perspective what we really deserve.. and we just have to get used tp the fact that they were weak and unworthy of our love...

 

but that doesn't mean i want to have resentment or hate against my bf.. because i'm happy that i had the best of him when he was in the right state of mind... and it is him who has to deal with the emotional baggage he has had to carry with him to this new relationship without dealing with it first...

 

we even went as far as him inviting my parents for dinner with his parents... and my parents even treated him a holiday abroad with us... and if he couldn't appreciate all he had already... then i'm afraid he won't be able to find anything better nor will he find true contentment in his future until he realises that life is too short and precious to throw away such gifts of love because they don't come again so easy if you never learnt to appreciate them.

 

Foz i'm sorry to hear you had to go through such anguish too.. but if he's capable of running away without a word like that... then he's too afraid to love as well... and at the end of this crisis, only u will be able to rise and shine as the better loving person...

[princess_fiona]

ok.. so i thought i was feeling stronger... but i keep having nightmares of my bf every night. in last night's dream he was writing me a letter saying how sorry he was.....

 

i guess that in my subconscious mind...i'm still questioning myself how he can just run away and act like i never existed... i just don't see how 5 yrs of a great friendship, 3 yrs of us being lovers can just disappear and i don't understand how a couple of weeks spent with another girl can turn into something that matters more than a dignified and respectful ending to what we have/had...

 

does he really feel nothing at all? can he really get away with just running away?

 

hmm.... sorry, i just wanna stop thinking but i cant...

[jabean]

A lot of men do this sort of thing. When a relationship ends, they seem to instantly move on into another relationship. Women on the other hand tend to process the whole thing a little more slowly. He remembers you, he's just trying to forget. In his mind, a new love affair will help him move on quickly and painlessly. But it will hit him. It always does. It just might not be until about three months down the road.

[princess_fiona]

the girl's asian (like me) and went to the same college as me.. but i never knew her then..

 

i have a feeling that he's not over me... because a month and a bit ago he even said he was missing me and meeting this new (girl) friend was making him think about me a lot. he mentioned that he felt his 'feelings' were returning.. but then he was unsure again and within 2 weeks of NC, it all turned upside down.

 

he probably doesn't know i know about him and his new girlfriend. but i know that he was craving for that exctiement and spark i.e. infatuation and he's got it now so thats whats happened.

 

but he always told me im perfect for him.. and that he cares about me a lot... and he'd do anything for me... and wouldn't want to cause me any more unnecessary pain or hurt... so the coldness and heartless act from him is something i'm finding difficult to overcome.

 

i guess i just wanna know whether he'll ever feel any guilt/regret/loss... at any point... because he had everything.. and then he just threw it away... and when it does 'hit' him in a few months time.... and he contacts me again.... what will i be able to say? is that when i tell him that i knew what 'really' happened all along and just didnt say because i loved him enough to just let him go? or can we really not be friends ever again... do i just have to forget him like he is doing to me?

 

sorry... just really stuck in my own dark cloud of thoughts right now.

[Foz]

i guess i just wanna know whether he'll ever feel any guilt/regret/loss... at any point... because he had everything.. and then he just threw it away... and when it does 'hit' him in a few months time.... and he contacts me again.... what will i be able to say? is that when i tell him that i knew what 'really' happened all along and just didnt say because i loved him enough to just let him go? or can we really not be friends ever again... do i just have to forget him like he is doing to me?

 

i would like to know the answer to this too!!

i think my ex is beginning to feel some guilt now after 4.5 months of being broken up. But he certainly doesnt regret breaking up with me from what i can make out. Will he ever?? I dont know, maybe he never will regret it & maybe my ex really does believe we were not meant to be!! And if he does, hopefully i will eventually see that too!!

Dont worry about the down days, they are normal, my emotions were like a yo-yo the first few months. I have more good days than bad now, but i still get down especially if i hear from him or find out some new information about him and more recently after i met him i was upset for a couple of days. I have got to stop all that cos it sets me back and i myself am putting myself in that position.

 

Keep posting, we are all here to help and listen!!

[princess_fiona]

i just wanna change my msn id to... 'Mr. X - werent u man enuff to break up with me before u cheated on me?'

so that all his friends can see the truth... but that wld be childish... and pointless, i know... just a thought that made me smile tho... but i dun think revenge is what i wanna go for...

u know what... i want to forgive him...

but... the hard part is to forget him...

it's not just about letting him go... but also letting go of the love i had for his friends and family too...

why couldn't i at least had a chance to say goodbye to them... even a goodbye from him would've been nice... at the very least, we were best friends... and i supported him all the way even when he was really distant and cold with me...

if it wasn't for my own decision to move forward with my life... it would be the case where he's still putting me on hold... even he, himself, said he wanted to talk to me in person. but i guess he just took the easiest escape route - and it seems the girl dumped her bf for the same reasons that me and my bf were having.

ah well.... NC is the way to go yo~! Haven't seen him for 60 days... and NC for more than 2 weeks now.. and i am beginning to see that life is full of brighter opportunities and the rewards will be worth looking forward to after this survival...

[princess_fiona]

can someone help me.... NC is making me stronger and i'm beginning to detach myself emotionally from him...and i don't think of the good times as much now... and my eyes are opening to the reality that this is a good opportunity for me to explore new things in life... that would fulfill my happiness more...

 

BUT.... i dunno why i still have thoughts about wanting him back.. not because i want him the way he is right now.. but i want him to learn from his mistakes and at least treat me the way he shld have... coz this is just so wrong... i would never treat someone this way to cause so much hurt and pain..

 

at the moment, i just feel like i have to sacrifice everything i loved and cared about... whereas my bf has nothing to sacrifice because he now has all he wants at the moment...

 

NC is for the goodness of ME i know...

 

but my worry is....

 

will this NC make him feel he's got away with everything without any hassle from me? or will he feel the big loss he's made by cutting me out of his life.... or is he too busy having fun he doesn't even have time to think about me?

 

i really want him to 'wake up' from this ultra-jerk-mode...

[Abacab]

Princess,

 

I feel for you and all those who are suffering from the pain this situation is causing you. However, I'd like to give a different perspective on things:

 

1. It's not easy to break-up and walkaway from someone without having thought about it for some time... Unfortunately, in most of the cases, the party which walks out without any explanation and/or warning do so because they really do care, but it's gut wrenching to tell they're leaving. Spice this up with a little cowardice, and then you get the picture..

 

2. As to regretting one's decisions, that itself is a relative matter; one can move along without regret if he/she can justify the action... Those who regret their decisions usually are those who tend to make quick decisions. You all know the old proverb "haste makes waste".

 

3. Now arriving to you Princess keep this in mind: You are the one and only... love and respect yourself and don't ever let anybody put you down, including your ex and future friends/lovers. Life is indeed too short for playing games as adults.

[princess_fiona]

thanks for your reply...

i can understand how he probably couldn't face saying what he had to say to me... because he knows i am someone very special... his family and all his friends always told him not to lose me, because they knew i was a good girl... but i guess he's going through some major changes in his life right now.. and he doesn't want me to be a part of that right now.

[Foz]

you do sound remarkably strong considering what you are going through and if that is down to NC, then keep it up!!

As regards wanting him to learn from his mistakes and wanting him to come back to you, that is normal, you love him and you want him back in your life!

Everyone told me that NC is not about making him realise what he is missing out on, it's about allowing you heal. I didnt understand that for ages and i did NC in the hope that he would realise his mistake and come back. I do understand now that NC really did help me gain some strength back and by a strange twist of coincedence the ex is now making small bits of contact with me again.

I dont know where it will lead, maybe it will lead nowhere but at least i have got to the stage where i know i will survive regardless of the outcome.

Sure i still miss and love my ex and would love for us to get back together but if it doesnt happen, i know i will survive and that is down to, putting some distance between me and the ex in order to be able to heal on my own, in other words NC!

[princess_fiona]

i moved house this weekend.. and had to go thru a lot of old things that brought back all the happiest memories i had with my bf...

but i got thru the weekend not dwelling or mulling on those old memories.. because i have to remember that i'm in control of my own feelings now.. and i want them to stay positive no matter what. i want to stay happy and not sad.

i also started reading a book called 'Bonds that Make Us Free' - it's a good read and i recommend it... (bought it on amazon) and it helps u understand a lot about our emotions and bonds with our loved ones. i haven't finished reading it.. but it's definitely helping me understand a little more why things have happened the way they have right now.. and it's helping me forgive my bf for what he's done..

from today, i'm going to get my life back on track and focus on becoming emotionally stronger... so if my bf does come back to me then i can be strong enough to do what is 'right' for me. or if he doesn't, i'll still be strong enough to live my life to the full without him.

i also feel that my heart's started to build a shield to protect me from feeling anything at all.. it's strange... but i hope it's not going to lock up my heart completely.. because i do want to feel loved once again.. when the time is right.

 

oh, and also... i have some things that belong to my bf.... not sure when it will be the best time to return them to him? i'm not ready to meet him just yet.. so maybe it's best i recover first before i meet him to give his stuff back..?

 

anyway, my new house is great. feels like a fresh start. it feels surprisingly good.

[princess_fiona]

at work.. but i really need someone to talk to...

 

is there any point in me meeting up with my bf's friend to tell him my side of the story? or does NC = NOTHING with EVERYTHING related to him?

 

i'm trying my best to keep myself happy, but there are the occasional times (like now) when i just can't stop thinking how he is so blinded from how much hurt and pain he has caused.

[gersanos]

when someone is having doubts, they talk to their partner and work through it if they are a man...not run away and into someone else's arms to "compare" another relationship to the one they have/had.

 

I know most people (teens & 20's at least) don't necessarily follow this, but what if you do bring it up and the other person says they will try to work it out with you, but then just bails? Where they thinking the same thing, or, did that kind of a chat freak them out and they sort of beat you to the punch?

[Recovering_Lover]

Hi Fiona,

 

My ex g/f actually did the same thing. After all the things I went thru with her, I tried to work things out with her, but she doesn't want too.

 

Also, I have done all the things you want to do, like trying to reason with my ex and asking her for a reason why she wanted to stop even being a friend, but she never gave me an answers, instead hang up the phone.

 

The last time I talked to her, she called me a stalker and that I was manupilating her. I had only called her like 4 -6 times in a period of two months. Stalker? and manupilating? the first time I hear in my entire life and never in any of my past relationships. I asked her to tell me how I manupilated her and there was no response. She hung up the phone then.

 

So, the point I am trying to make is, these people seem to have a mind where they can easily justify what they are doing and thing we are the bad people and not them. Maybe thats why they can move away so easily? I don't know.

 

But, the the biggest point is, when they are in this state of mind, no matter what you do or say, nothing gets to them. They seem to have like a wall.

 

So, I guess, the only thing is just to get on with life, learning from the experience. My previous g/f's did something similar but were honest and told me the reason. But my last ex never did.

 

You seem strong, you should keep at it and move on. You deserve better. I know you love him dearly, like I do my ex, but we cannot do anything unless, they change or else even if they return, they will be back to their old self. Whats the point ya?

 

I am still reeking, but it is way way better when she just broke off with me as a friend. That was hard for me.

 

Aight, hope I made some sense here. Take care and stay strong!!

 

You will recover over a period of time, and I am hoping to get there too.

 

R.L.

[princess_fiona]

thanks for your replies guys... i wish you all the happiness you all deserve... you all sound like very caring and warm-hearted people.

i guess this is just a lesson in life which allows us to grow and mature.. for the better.

i've been doing a lot of reflection and thought this week and it's made me open my eyes ... and now i see that maybe my bf was just afraid to grow up.. like a little boy... like peter pan even.

maybe i was his perfect woman/wife... but he was afraid of commitment because of the realisation that he would have to grow up... and has decided he just needs a girlfriend right now.

i don't know.. i'm just moving onto a mode of forgiveness and my own inner-change than asking all these questions that won't be answered by him.

 

whatever's going on in his mind, i just see a troubled soul who just needs to find his own feet again. i understand that because we were young and this was our first serious relationship, we just didn't know how to open up to each other because we were fearful of upsetting each other in any way. but now i know how your own unhappiness can become someone else's unhappiness and a relationship does not just depend on feelings but involves a lot more understanding, giving and sharing.

i am taking steps to change myself too. i want to make sure that i can set him free completely. and i'm trying to work out whether it's the case where i still do 'desire' him or whether i 'need' him.

i hope for the time being, his new girl will help him become more open in the way he thinks about life so he can learn to appreciate what he has and not fall into this trap of worrying about what he wants again.

 

maybe after a long time... our paths will cross again... he may find me again he may not, but i'm happy to have him in my heart... always and forever...

 

p.s. oh my... just now - after 3 weeks of absolute NC, totally out of the blue.. i got a text message from my bf just saying 'happy new year.'

 

nothing else.

 

haven't replied.

[princess_fiona]

hmm... why da heck did he text me happy new year 3 weeks late?!

and is that all the contact he can manage at the moment after bailing out to talk with me about what he said he had to tell me?

urgh.. i'm back to thinking about him... this sucks

[princess_fiona]

he's tried to contact me... but i don't want to continue ignoring them.

how do i respond to this?

[Foz]

yup when they start contacting you again, it confuses the hell out of you!!

 

I ignored the first call but took all the others. Curiosity and a sense of "oh he wants to talk to me, maybe he still cares about me" made me take the calls. It hasn't led anywhere and maybe i have false hope now!!

 

So maybe im not the best at giving advice on this subject but i took the calls and im even more confused now, when i was doing NC i was healing quite nicely, im not back at square one or anything like that but i am thinking that him initiating contact means something when maybe it doesnt mean what i think it does!!

[princess_fiona]

i know!! foz.. this is frustrating, isn't it?

gosh.. he's emailed me again and i just don't know how to respond?!

[Foz]

well what is he saying in the emails??

[princess_fiona]

he's been asking me where i am because he hasn't seen me around for a while and wants to have dinner with me this week...

i dunno how to respond to this...