LostAngel Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Hi I just wanted everyones opinion/advice on this... Has anyone remained good friends with their ex and got back together? Can it improve your chances in getting them back... Is it a BAD idea to remain friends with them? What are the pro's & cons. Thanks LostAngel Link to comment
jabean Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 I think it really depends on how and why the relationship ended. Also, on who did the leaving and is trying to remain friends. A lot of time people say "lets be friends" as an easy let down, but they don't really pursue the friendship. And then sometimes you do remain friends. I did with one ex for three years following our break. We never got back together. But then I did the leaving, and I never sought to get back together. Then, I've seen others who have (because the person who left, years down the line, sought the relationship again). It really depends. Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 for the record NO METHOD CAN BRING BACK AN EX! theyll come back only if they want to. nothing you can do will make them love you again. and even if that was the case, which its not b/c you can not take away a man's free will, it would be manipulated love & that isnt real. -DG724 Link to comment
sdw Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 I think you have answered your own question here. If you are pretending to be friends to try and win them back then you are not really just being their friend. I have to admit I tried this and it hurts too much IMO. If the person has broken up with you because they don't want to be with you then that sucks, seeing them and having them treat you like "just another friend" after all you've been through together will not help you heal. You may find closure, you may find out about other partners - whatever you will not be able to DETACH from their life and heal which is what you need to do right now if you are hurting. It's your call of course, but I would advise against it from personal experience. best of luck, Steve. Link to comment
LostAngel Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 Hi everyone I just want to say that ----I would never pretend to be someones friend. That would be a lie & fake... When I am a friend I am, with all my heart...and I am their as a true friend... I'm sorry to have given the wrong impression... I have remained to be close friends with my ex & I am his true friend & always there for him if he ever needs anything... Regardless of if we get back together or not... We still care alot about each other --He was my best friend and I think he always will be... I just wanted to hear diiferent opinions on this... Thanks LostAngel[/b] Link to comment
Mun Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 I don't think so. I think them missing you gives you a better chance. Of course this depends on the reasons for the break up and if they still care for you. But why be friends with someone who could dump you just like that? I wouldn't want to be their friend. I would want to make them suffer without me in their life. Let them live with their decision. If they don't come back then they didn't miss me and I don't want someone back who can live without me. I'd rather keep my dignity than ask for a friendship. Link to comment
sdw Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 I'm sorry to tell you this and it is only my opinion remember - but you wont always be his best friend. It may seem like that just now, but you are not together anymore. When I said "pretending" to be his friend I wasn't suggesting you didn't like him - I'm saying you are not just friends because you are in love with him. I've been through this and it may seem like they will always be your best friend and you theirs but it just doesn't work that way. You'll meet someone else and hopefully they will become your best friend and all the rest as you deserve. If you keep thinking your ex is your best friend and always will be you'll never meet the person you deserve. If he doesn't want to be with you then he doesn't deserve the loyalty and love you are willing to give him. Be his friend when you no longer want to be his lover too, it's for your own good. Link to comment
Mentor Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 I'd rather keep my dignity than ask for a friendship. Well said muneca! Your whole post, but in particular these words. Hanging around for the scraps of attention/affection that your ex tosses your way is not how to rebuild your self-esteem. Walk away with your head held high. It is their loss. Once they realize it they may come after you, and you will have control of your life again. If they don't, then they clearly were not for you, but you have already got a head start down the road to wholeness again. You are not their friend. You are not their lover. You are their ex. That is an entirely different relationship that the other two. One day you may be able to be a true friend, but that usually takes months/years of minimal/no contact, and basically starting over. Link to comment
PrincessLinzay Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 I agree with Muneca on this one. Trying to be friends with an ex whom you want back can only bring pain. You'll never be able to offer true friendship because there's always the underlying hope that you'll get back together. It's hard to separate boyfriend/girlfriend/friend. As Muneca said, I would rather make them suffer without me in their life! Link to comment
Raptor Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 See I've got the same problem. My gf and I just split and decided to remain friends. I, like you, would like to get them back but have accepted the fact it might not happen. I would love to be friends with her and will try my best to remain friends with her because we work together. Since we work with each other NC really is not an option. Now my relationship was short and what I hope she gets out of being friends is getting to know me better and see the fun side of me again. If things happen great if not I got a good friend out of the deal. Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 i know what people are thinking & yea if youre set on thinking youre gonna get back then do whatever you want. like youre gonna do anyway. but know that youre gonna more than likely get stuck in this rut of overthinking & analzing convos you 2 have in order to see it your way as he wants you back. DO YOURSELF A FAVOR & DONT WASTE YOUR TIME. for instance: you 2 talk on the fone, he never calls you back, you call him, you think: "oh why doesnt he call me ever? he said he wants to be friends? but we never hang out i always call him bla bla bla." or if you 2 do hang out you may think "omg he kissed me on my cheek thats better than last time when he just gave me a hug right? maybe hes reconsidering! maybe next he'll hold my hand, omg i think he wants me back! what do u think??" trust me its gonna cause more drama than any of it is worth. if he misses you w/ NC fine! but dont count on it. go about your life w/o him. NC is not to get back an ex its to HEAL YOURSELF! how would u feel if you were him??? maybe hes just saying all that friend jazz to sugarcoat & let it be 'easier on the dumpee'. and give himself a 'waning period' slowly letting you out of his life. would u want your ex lingering around YOU when you wanted nothing more to do with them? no probably not. its annoying & a waste of time. they only come back if they want to. the sooner you understand that the better. trust me i came on this forum w/ the same mindset & relized down the line it was all BS. too much thinking/worrying/pondering etc. real friends talk about sex/people they are interested in/ making memories & they seem to have this habit of introducing them to people there dating...hmmm, now, since your contimplating on being his 'his friend' get ready to talk about him w/ other girls, having sex & moving on & all the other things that dont include you...can u handle that? not to mention he will be more than likey VERY uncomfortable telling you about his sex life. which he has every right to be. doesnt sound like a friendship thats open & healthy. no method of 'missing someone' or 'having them around & not missing them' will ever work. seriously take that in. & begin to work on yourself & not settling for the scrapes of attention hes dishing out to you when he wants. you deserve a real friendship, which this will NOT end up being. live, learn & let go. -DG724 Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 if this was a mutual breakup & you 2 discussed how you both want to date others & everythings cool. THEN & ONLY THEN can u become friends. when both parties have alterior motives, its just manipluative & wrong. not to mention a big fat waste of time & energy. out of sight..out of mind. the sooner the better. its like the band-aid effect...you can slowly peel it off & the pain is harsh & for a llllong period of time OR you can just RIP IT ALL OFF AT ONCE & get the pain over & done with, & not to mention it hurts more the longer you let it linger. -DG724 Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 here is a girl that is doing what your questioning.... link removed its exhausting trying to think for 2 people! dont do it. -DG724 Link to comment
Amethyst Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Being friends with an ex is bad for the EXACT reason stated in the title of this thread. The dumpee tends to hang on to the hope that the dumper will realize how great they are and will give them another chance. It keeps them from moving on with life because they just wait around and pine hoping for the other person to change their mind. Exes are exes for a reason, and couples who break-up rarely get back together. (And, when they *do*, they usually don't *stay* together -- they start a breakup / makeup / breakup / makeup cycle that is very unhealthy.) I tried to be friends with my ex, but I found that the above was true. I had dumped him; and, as long as we kept in contact, he had false hopes that I would 'come to my senses' and we'd get back together. I finally realized that and broke off contact with him. It hurt (both of us), but it enabled *both* of us to move on with our lives. Link to comment
alphonsefa Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 It will have the opposite effect that you want! Best thing is to ignore them. They dumped you so let them live with their decision. Sometimes there is periodic high that the person doing the dumping goes through. They think that getting rid of you will improve their life. Then when the high leaves and reality sets back in, the mind starts doing nasty things to them. They start to think, "hmmm this isn't going quite the way I thought it would" and "hmm I wonder what so and so is doing" and "hmmm wonder why so and so isn't calling or writing anymore, did they meet someone". Then there's the greatest revenge of all. Everything they do with a new person will be constantly compared to how well you treated them. They can't help to reference your relationship, it's human nature and the way the mind works. That's how you regain the power, by ignoring and shutting them off. Link to comment
fantasia2004 Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 I'd rather keep my dignity than ask for a friendship. Well said muneca! Your whole post, but in particular these words. Hanging around for the scraps of attention/affection that your ex tosses your way is not how to rebuild your self-esteem. Walk away with your head held high. It is their loss. Once they realize it they may come after you, and you will have control of your life again. If they don't, then they clearly were not for you, but you have already got a head start down the road to wholeness again. You are not their friend. You are not their lover. You are their ex. That is an entirely different relationship that the other two. One day you may be able to be a true friend, but that usually takes months/years of minimal/no contact, and basically starting over. well said Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 GREAT ADVICE ALPHONSEFA!! i couldnt agree more. -DG724 Link to comment
Phoenix Down Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Trust me, the stress of wondering and waiting each day is not worth it. I'm sure in your mind anything is worth it, but you have to do what is right for you brother. Waiting is not the way. And if she sees you've moved on then thats a plus for you, and if she cares not then you should do the same. It takes time to get over someone but it can and will happen. I have barely any room to talk this frame of mind has just come to me as we speak. But listen to you now, do what makes you feel good, live for you. It's your turn to make you smile. It can be done. Press on, press on. I ment no disrespect by this post, just one persons thoughts, a grain of sand in a sea of people, but this speck of sand has been riped a new one by lifes little current and it was worth it. Never been more happy Never been more free. It's all in how you look at it. Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Never been more happy Never been more free. It's all in how you look at it. "at one point or another we all may be laying in life's gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars while we're there." -DG724 Link to comment
ajk Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 i guess being friends as a step to become closer again depends on the reasons you were together, too, how bad the breakup was, etc. if it was a bad breakup and there are residual hurts from that, you may need NC in order to heal for yourself, so you're in a better place to approach them from, without it setting you back if they don't want to get back together. i feel in the minority here a bit... if you don't have bad feelings for your ex it's hard to push them out of your life and say that they don't deserve you if they don't come crawling back, etc. why put up permanent walls against someone you care about, if they genuinely don't mean to hurt you? isn't it okay to soften a little? obviously every situation is different, because the people involved are different... Link to comment
Amethyst Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 why put up permanent walls against someone you care about, if they genuinely don't mean to hurt you? isn't it okay to soften a little? The problem I see, though, is that they may not "genuinely mean to hurt you", but they still do. Why hang around if it's only going to cause pain? Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 the heart wants what the heart wants. end of story. nothing you do or dont do will ever change that. sorry, but thats the harsh reality of it all. -DG724 Link to comment
fantasia2004 Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 all people especially girls should get that book" he is just not that into you." helps a lot Link to comment
ajk Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 i know that in plenty of cases, 'waiting around' is the only way an ex comes back, but that probably is because certain psychological traits (for the ex and the person who was left) have to be in place for that. (the ex has to be the type who can ONLY process things on their own, and also has to be confident enough to call! i don't know how many times i've called an ex and had them say they've thought about calling numerous times, but were nervous about it. men and women can be equally shy and scared to put their hearts out there). it seems to me that in order to connect to someone, you have to take the risk of making yourself vulnerable to them...that's the only way REAL, EVOLVED love develops. even if someone has hurt you, if you want to become closer and repair the relationship, either still in it or after a breakup, don't you have to take a risk and expose yourself? isn't that how marriages survive on a day-to-day basis? one person pulls you through the rough times... there's a balance between saying you can't tolerate something and being forgiving/understanding and willing to compromise. yes, the other person needs to compromise, too, but i think if the ex wants to stay friends, it does indicate at least a small willingness to compromise, and the ability to still care for the person they've left. Link to comment
alphonsefa Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Remember they are the ones that ended the relationship. They are the ones that threw everything away. If someone makes a mistake and they realize they've made a big mistake, they have to swallow their pride and risk getting hurt back to repair it. This is a person that stomped all over your feelings when they left you. They had little regard for how you'd feel at the time. So if they can't muster up the will to admit a mistake, they're really not worth having anyway, and would be a terrible choice for marriage. Why be with someone that won't open their heart to you when you've opened yours to them? As far as marriage goes, you need someone to stick by you not only in those good times, but when things get rocky. This person has already proven that they'll cut and run when it suits them best. You keep trying to patch things over by remaining available or signaling to that person that you are still available for them, they're going to turn you into a doormat. They'll pick you up and throw you away at their own convenience. Link to comment
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