My verbal abuse of my ex-girlfriend pushed her away and I destroyed my future

[JSHRN]

My ex-girlfriend & I had been together for 22 months (2 break-ups in between.) We last broke up in March, 2014 shortly before I bought a house. We reconciled back in May after she tearfully realized that she still loved me and wanted a future with me (she had half-heartedly entertained the idea of reconciling with her ex-husband, but she admitted that too much damage had been done for it to ever work again with him. (He told he would need at least a year or 2 to even consider it.) At that time, I was suspicious that she only came back to me as I was "safe" to fall back on. She swore that wasn't the case. But, initially, she said she "couldn't promise me anything." The day we reconciled we had sex at my house - and all our emotions for each other came back. We talked about things, shared a lot and realized that this was "meant to be." She spent a lot of time at the house and in July I asked her to move in with me. (She had been living with her daughter.) Her name wasn't on the deed at this point, but she said she wanted to contribute to the bills, etc. so it felt like her house too. She asked to have her name put on the house - I said "in time."

 

We became closer and more in love than we had ever been. She said she was finally living the life she wanted. (Keep in mind she has 3 children - 23, 20 and 17.) Shortly after she moved in we began seriously talking about marriage. She had called the magistrate; I sent away for a copy of my birth certificate. We were so happy!! However, there were some rough patches along the way. She's a very attractive woman and often had guys hitting on her, occasionally making inappropriate suggestive comments, massaging her and grabbing her. This made more jealous and insecure than I normally and I mentioned this to her. She said the guys were "just kidding" and "I'm not doing anything wrong." I suggested that she set boundaries with them, mention that she wasn't interested because she had a boyfriend. But, she never mentioned to many people that she had a boyfriend because that's "part of my private life." Yet, she would often talk about other personal stuff (children, family, etc.) That always troubled me.

 

We would fight about the dumbest things (a cat, excess use of the heat, excess use of electricity.) I came home one day (65 degrees outside) and she had the heat on. She said she was cold, I suggested she put a sweatshirt on - she said I was a miser. Same thing with the lights - every light had to be on in the house (the electric bill was almost 5 times as much after she moved in.) She kept a wonderful home - cooking cleaning, laundry, etc. but I felt (maybe selfishly) that she should contribute financially to the bills (mortgage, Internet, utilities.) I never asked for an equitable share because her priorities were her 3 children and her granddaughter - and I was totally ok with that. It seemed that 90% of things were on my "dime" (buying furniture, paying bills, going out to eat.) I'm a very generous, giving guy but started to feel like I was being taking advantage of financially. (once, she borrowed a credit card to buy $300 of birthday presents and didn't tell me about it. In the midst of all this, I became complacent and "comfortable" in the relationship (I wasn't working out like I had, I wasn't reading my self-improvement book, I wasn't going to therapy as frequently, I wasn't taking as good care of myself as I was when we were broken up, she also said I "dressed like a slob." In fairness, these are valid statements by her (except for dressing like a slob - she wanted me to dress like a semi-GQ guy.

 

We started fighting more over the bills, that I was more depressed and was on the wrong meds and wasn't going to therapy or doing anything about it. She warned me multiple times that if things didn't change that she was probably going to leave. I still wasn't doing my share of the work (that I promised her I would do.) She had been doing more than her share of the work (exercising, losing weight, going to therapy, reading, etc.) but I wasn't doing my part. I'm not a GQ-type guy so that was hard for me to change, but I was willing to. We worked totally opposite schedules and rarely saw each other (sometimes for a few hours only a day.) She wanted me to change my work hours so they coincided with hers (I wasn't able to unless I changed jobs.) She mentioned that our relationship was suffering because of it. We still talked about marriage and she said she wanted to for stability (things weren't very stable.) Our fighting increased. I started becoming this angry, impatient, verbally abusive man ( I called her a leech for not helping with the bills. I called her an alcoholic because she started drinking again (after being sober for 4 months.) And in the heat of an argument I told her to "get the out of my house." I was horrified that I could say that to anyone, especially the woman I loved deeply and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She responded that she didn't know who I was anymore. (I didn't know who I was anymore either.) I had become this angry, verbally abusive ass**le. I wanted to work through things and, at one point, she said "I think we need space. I'm going to move out until after the holidays. We have work to do and we need to fix ourselves, but I can't live like this. You need to get help!" I( agreed. But, the next day she didn't come home from work and I knew things were over. Two days later she moved a portion of her things out of the house and she said "I won't ever be back to you or to this horrible situation." I was so sad, knowing that I had contributed so much to cause this break-up. I'm broken hearted. She was the woman of my dreams and I screwed things up. How could I be so cold and disrespectful to her? That's not who I am. I'm not an angry person. She called me controlling, manipulative and said I ruined her life and her children's lives. She said she gave up her family and so much to be with me (she did) and I still disrespected her.

 

I'm in aggressive therapy now. I'm reading. I'm working out. I'm doing the work she had asked of me previously and that I didn't really do to the level she asked of me. Unfortunately, I tend to do the work more when were not together than when we're together.

 

I've lost the most important woman in my life. I will/would do anything to have her back in my life/my arms/my future, but I truly think it's too late.

 

Thoughts?

[Alittlelost]

This doesn't not sound like a healthy supportive relationship to try to get back into. Something's should be left alone.

[JSHRN]

This doesn't not sound like a healthy supportive relationship to try to get back into. Something's should be left alone.

 

I agree, to a point. She is a good person. I'm just concerned that I turned into this angry, verbally abusive person. I've never been that way in any of my previous relationships. She admitted to pushing my buttons because she "got off on it." This could be such a great relationship (however, the relationship began on a lie when she cheated on her husband with me.) I never planned on falling in love with her. Shortly after she got divorced. I feel horrible that I would tell anyone that I loved to "get the f*** out of my house." At the time she really had no place to go. I'm not sure where she's living now. I feel horrible that I "kicked her to the curb." I feel horrible that I disrespected her. I literally became someone I'm not. The 3 months we lived together honestly brought us closer together (honestly, it did), but it was an adjustment. She blames me for her divorce (she was unfaithful with someone else before me.) She says I "fu**ed her kids up." I "ruined her." I "ruined her life." I always wanted to be with her from the day I met her. It was love at first sight. She literally gave up her family and her marriage for me (although at times she said she was looking for a way out when I came into her life.)

 

I honestly feel horrible that I could such a thing to anyone - especially to a woman I loved and wanted to marry. How does someone get like this??? How did I become this angry man???

 

Thoughts?

[kbbcoop77]

Sounds like you were pushing each other's buttons. And you guys had broken up previously right? All relationships have ups and downs and eventually you have to decide if the ups outweigh the downs. You guys tried to make it work more than once and it didn't. That happens. And you didn't ruin her family and what not, she has to take responsibility for her own actions. Sounds like it may be better to call this one a day..good luck

[kbbcoop77]

Oh and my ex did the exact same thing with the heat, lights etc, racked up my credit cards..like i said ups and downs. There are definite benefits being single! We broke up after 24 years together and while it's a huge adjustment, my utility bills are dramatically lower. So look at the bright side there, every cloud has a silver lining lol

[RandomOne]

1. When 2 independent adult people decide to move in together: all financial and other important topics need to be pre-discussed in order to have clear understanding where the things are.

2. About jealousy: there is a big difference between being jealous and being made jealous - you need to figure out which one is the case.

 

If I were you: I would have sincerely apologized for my reaction and behavior in front of the person I loved, but at the same time - would not have rushed to bring her back. Take it slow: sort your feelings out first, then talk to her openly about things/ matters which make you uncomfortable, listen to her points and only then decide whether you want to be together again. Hope it helps. best of luck

[JSHRN]

1. When 2 independent adult people decide to move in together: all financial and other important topics need to be pre-discussed in order to have clear understanding where the things are.

2. About jealousy: there is a big difference between being jealous and being made jealous - you need to figure out which one is the case.

 

If I were you: I would have sincerely apologized for my reaction and behavior in front of the person I loved, but at the same time - would not have rushed to bring her back. Take it slow: sort your feelings out first, then talk to her openly about things/ matters which make you uncomfortable, listen to her points and only then decide whether you want to be together again. Hope it helps. best of luck

 

We talked about that. When I bought the house in April, we had just broken up and she signed her name off the house. In May, when we got back together, she said she wanted her name on the house (I said "in time.") I asked her to move in in July. She would push my buttons - and i would push back and become this angry, verball abusive jerk.

 

She admiited to making me jealous about other guys as a way of "proving how much I loved her" because she "got off on it.

 

I did apologized, but it was too late. I went too far.

 

 

She said she'll never come back to me

Hope it helps. best of luck

[gone]

it sounds like you are seeking validation from people that you were not totally in the wrong. It is easy to blame her for the things she did wrong, but now you feel conflicted because when she is not around and you do miss her...it becomes harder to actually blame her for everything. It sounds like you are used to blaming her for everything. You need to stop that cycle.

[gone]

And, how long as it been since she moved out? I don't blame her for saying, "I am done with this horrible situation" or whatever it was that she said to you when she left. It sounds like she had a lot of baggage from things that do not involve you (her kids, divorce, etc.) and that she expected you to compensate for the sacrifices she made in moving in with you. You both contributed to the problems and took it out on each other. She did not make you become abusive. Whether or not your behavior horrifies you, you still did it. You need to own up to it and work through it in therapy, because it's really an issue about how you communicate under pressure. Since in your day to day life you are not under pressure, this part of yourself is not normally seen. But it is there and you should address THAT, not be worried about how to attract her back. You need to fix yourself first.

[thornz]

I honestly think you only want to get back with her because of your guilt for being horrible. If you looked at the situation objectively you might re-consider. She doesn't sound to be that good an option to me. She didn't contribute financially and even stole from you, she said some horrible things to you (and you to her) and blamed you for her poor choices in life i.e messing up her marriage by cheating and added financial burden by inconsiderately using the heating/electricity al the time. I say good riddance and concentrate on yourself improvement and don't neglect yourself when you meet your next girl

[lukeb]

The only real "abuse" of power that I see isn't in the arguing, or the verbal stuff you're talking about but the power dynamic that exists because you are the owner of the home that you shared in effect making you the landlord and feeling that she needed to contribute more financially to your home essentially. That is a problem, but it was only one of the problems that you had together. You haven't been together for more than just a number of months consecutively, and that is really the time to see if you are compatible as a couple, and by the sounds of it you kind of failed in that department. You would have been able to deal with the financial imbalance if everything else fell in place, but it just became one more of the problems and in that way it actually had the effect of magnifying the incompatibilities.

 

I wouldn't say you were abusive from what I can tell from your account on here.

[RandomOne]

We talked about that. When I bought the house in April, we had just broken up and she signed her name off the house. In May, when we got back together, she said she wanted her name on the house (I said "in time.") I asked her to move in in July. She would push my buttons - and i would push back and become this angry, verball abusive jerk.

 

She admiited to making me jealous about other guys as a way of "proving how much I loved her" because she "got off on it.

 

I did apologized, but it was too late. I went too far.

 

 

She said she'll never come back to me

Hope it helps. best of luck

 

Somehow, I have a feeling that more than being unhappy in relationship - you are scared to stay alone and it is probably very normal.

You need to overcome that fear and stop blaming yourself: you did apologize and not once - take it slow from here.

Give yourself and your partner some time to heal and to think whether you should get back together and whether it can ever work again.

 

Keep your head and your standards high!

[lifesatrip]

From the sounds of things she didn't act so great either. You shouldn't have lashed out at her verbally, but she was being emotionally abusive in her own subtle way in my opinion. Intentionally pushing your buttons to manipulate certain responses, etc. She sounds like she was not capable of or interested in working out tensions and disagreements in a mature adult way. I think you should move on. I don't think you single handedly destroyed the relationship, and if she doesn't recognize that and insists on blaming you for being a jerk and wrecking things, even if she wanted to continue, it wouldn't work. I'm not saying your behavior was mature or fair, but hers wasn't either.