Boyfriend defending rude friend and putting fault on me

[Mending Heart]

My boyfriend and I are in a LDR and I met some of his newer friends, including one female who I had already felt uncomfortable with due to some stuff that happened.

I put all that aside and wanted to give her a chance and be friends and I was nothing but nice to her, but unfortunately she pretty much avoided me and made a rude comment.

 

He said he didn't like the way she treated me but defended her and pursued a friendship with her, which really hurt my feelings and made me uncomfortable, and it always bothered me and was an ongoing issue. It came up again and this time when he defended her he said that he thought I probably gave her a weird vibe!

 

I felt so hurt and talking about it led nowhere and I tried to let it go but a week later it still really bothered me, so I wanted to discuss it for once and all type thing because I really needed closure to move forward.

 

He said he believed me and that the comment she made wasn't warranted, but he still defends her and says that I must of done something for her to act that way. He says I just never gave her a chance and saw her as a threat and maybe without knowing it I gave off a bad vibe and that I must of done something to make her act like that.

 

I felt extremely hurt because I did give her a chance, and I was only ever nice to her, even when she was being mean, and I kept trying to explain this to him and how his friends noticed her being rude even, and why couldn't he believe me, and why did he say I did something when she was the one not being nice.

 

He said he does believe me and knows it's not all me and she played a part too, but that it's just how he feels and how it seemed to him that I must of done something. But then he says how he wasn't there to see our interactions, so how can he say I played a part? This really hurts.

[mrsSonherchest]

Sounds like he's projecting some thoughts about how he feels you (or people) are/behave in general on to this situation. I sympathize with you, though, for the simple fact that, right or wrong, many of us want our partner to have our back. I was with a guy who didn't have my back once, and now it's music to my ears when I'm dating a guy and he says "It's really important to me that a girl have my back." >swoon<... best of luck>

[Mending Heart]

Sounds like he's projecting some thoughts about how he feels you (or people) are/behave in general on to this situation. I sympathize with you, though, for the simple fact that, right or wrong, many of us want our partner to have our back. I was with a guy who didn't have my back once, and now it's music to my ears when I'm dating a guy and he says "It's really important to me that a girl have my back." >swoon<... best of luck>

 

Yeah, that's a very good point! It just hurts of course and I don't know how to handle it.

[ThatwasThen]

You don't know how to handle it? This Is what I would do and what most women with high self-respect and personal boundaries in place would do.

 

We would leave this long distance relationship for someone who doesn't need to keep rude and disrespectful girls in his life as so called "friends." Then we would find a man that was a good guy, NOT LONG DISTANCE from us so the relationship could be nurtured consistently. We'd let him have her and she him.

 

Your current bf is too stupid to realize that this girl wants more then friendship with him and that is why she wants no part of you being in their tidy little world. You're no threat to her as long as your miles and miles away from him.

 

I'd never date a guy that has a female friend like the one he has... ever. I'd especially not date one that does one-on-one date like things with. Does he spend alone time with her as well? If he does then he's just fueling her desire to be more then friends with him.

 

If you are unwilling to break up with a long distance boyfriend (those rarely work out in the long run anyway) then you'll have to adjust your resentment of her and grin and bear it because he's not changing anything he has with her, for you.

[SpottiOtti]

It sounds like your boyfriend is pretty dedicated to keeping this girl in his life and also to viewing her in a favorable light. Any thoughts on what might be motivating that?

[Mending Heart]

Well he says he doesn't like her nor does she like him, and that she is on the same level as his guy friends and that he treats them no differently and that he's extremely loyal. And it's always been with other people when they hang out.

But then he did this among other things so that's why it felt like I didn't know how to handle it. >.

But thanks for the advice.

[Mending Heart]

Yeah, and that's what always bothered me. He was newly social this year with them and feels like he never got that chance in his life before, so his friends are really important and I get that, though he definitely prioritized them over me at first.

He says he likes having her as a friend and thinks she is a good person and is always nice to him and everyone else, but that it's the same as with all his friends regardless of gender and it's nothing about her specifically and he would of defended any of them the same.

But it still bothers me because this and other things have only been with this one person.

It sounds like your boyfriend is pretty dedicated to keeping this girl in his life and also to viewing her in a favorable light. Any thoughts on what might be motivating that?

[SpottiOtti]

It sounds like he's in a place where friendships are more important to him than committed relationships. And this happens a lot when a person is younger and still finding themselves - they sign up for a committed relationship because they like the highs that are experienced in new love, but then when it comes to the actual nuts and bolts of making a committed relationship work, they aren't equipped/aren't ready/haven't been taught properly. Think that might be the case here?

[Mending Heart]

Yeah that definitely hits the nail on the head. He seems to be aware of it now, though he's still very much wrapped up in it of course. So even though he is very adamant about not being like that from now on, he still is like that to a point, and it's not really his fault, though it's also not really fair to me.

 

But he's still fighting for me regardless, so I guess I gotta give him props for really trying to stay committed, or more so bouncing back from a momentary lapse. And even though it's hard I'd like to think we'll be okay.

 

It sounds like he's in a place where friendships are more important to him than committed relationships. And this happens a lot when a person is younger and still finding themselves - they sign up for a committed relationship because they like the highs that are experienced in new love, but then when it comes to the actual nuts and bolts of making a committed relationship work, they aren't equipped/aren't ready/haven't been taught properly. Think that might be the case here?

[catfeeder]

If they ever had any kind of romance or sex, it would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be kind about it, but I'd walk on.

 

If they were never involved, I'd stop putting this on BF and handle her myself. There are no laws that say I must like my BF's friends--so I'd play cheerful and stupid with her.

 

This means I'd be kind when I saw her and simply fail to recognize any slight. She'd need to do some pretty heavy (and obvious) lifting to try to hurt my feelings, because I'd come back with compliments about her great sense of humor. In other words, I wouldn't give a hoot about her--and I wouldn't allow some socially inept idiot to harm my relationship with my BF. That's her whole goal.

 

Head high, and decide how much of your energy you really want to give this girl--and how much power you want her to have in your dealings with your BF.

[Mending Heart]

Oh my goodness, if there was any kind of romance I think I'd kill him. lol

Strangely he's still very loyal, so I think it's more so emotional cheating I'm worried about.

But yeah, that's what I dislike so much through all this because I gave her so much energy and power. And past her being rude to me it's more so my boyfriend and the way he treats the situation and me with her than it is her.

And I so wish I had confronted her rude comment at the time! I was trying to be nice even then, yet I still get blamed for her actions.

He did apologize today and he said how he should of kept it at just that it was hard for him to see but he believes me. He says I did make efforts and had an open mind and he doesn't know so he shouldn't assume.

[catfeeder]

And I so wish I had confronted her rude comment at the time! I was trying to be nice even then,

 

Noooo, you'll thank yourself later for NOT 'confronting' because if you do that, she wins and you look like a hysteric.

 

She's jealous of you, and that's her problem. Instead of being hurt, be flattered and enjoy owning enough maturity for the both of you.

 

You're in this thing with BF for the long haul, so pick your dramas. She's not worth it, and I'm telling you--stupid and cheerful works wonders. Kill her with kindness--or at least neutrality, and let her hostility boomerang back and watch her hang herself.

 

Patience.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you should take his apology and let go of any resentment that you might have towards him. I would also.encourage you to distance yourself from the girl and ignore her as much as you can.

[Mending Heart]

Yeah! >.

But yeah that's what I'm hoping, like if I just continue to be the bigger person and she continues to disrespect me then it's going to be noticed.

Noooo, you'll thank yourself later for NOT 'confronting' because if you do that, she wins and you look like a hysteric.

 

She's jealous of you, and that's her problem. Instead of being hurt, be flattered and enjoy owning enough maturity for the both of you.

 

You're in this thing with BF for the long haul, so pick your dramas. She's not worth it, and I'm telling you--stupid and cheerful works wonders. Kill her with kindness--or at least neutrality, and let her hostility boomerang back and watch her hang herself.

 

Patience.

[Mending Heart]

Yeah, I did accept it, though he got drunk with her and other friends last night after he told me he had no intention to get drunk and that he would keep to his limit because he knew I was uncomfortable, so it's been hard to ignore her. >.

But I didn't say anything about her and just kept the focus on him and I, though of course I'm still giving her power because even if I don't mention it to him anymore, I am very uncomfortable with her and letting her upset me.

One thing I can't seem to stop thinking about is how he likes her Facebook pictures now. He says he likes all his friends pictures equally regardless of gender, and that he doesn't like it because it's her but just in general, but I never ever noticed it till after we hit a rough patch. And if it's not like a picture with a purpose and is just her then that makes me very uncomfortable!

Sorry turned into a vent!

 

I think you should take his apology and let go of any resentment that you might have towards him. I would also.encourage you to distance yourself from the girl and ignore her as much as you can.