Did I "cheat"? Did she?

[Unreasonable]

Alright just to preface, this is water way, WAY under the bridge, it happened over 20 years ago. But I wonder about it sometimes and think I've gotten some bad karma from it. Honestly, I never looked at it in this light until I joined ENA and have seen the stories about people here.

 

I met my future wife at work. We instantly hit it off and went on our first date not long afterwards. I kissed her on that date, and she started crying. I asked why and she said it was because she had a boyfriend who was overseas (he was a missionary and wouldn't be coming back for a couple years). They had been dating for 3 years previously.

 

I let her know I couldn't be with her exclusively (on my end) if she had a boyfriend. We did activities together for a couple weeks, and she decided she wanted us to be exclusive so she called up the guy and broke it off (in front of me), and of course he was devastated.

 

She told me made that decision because she never saw a long term future with this guy. Plus, staying faithful for 2 years with very little contact just by phone is very hard. I admit, I secretly felt like "the man" for having "stolen" her.

 

Now, looking back, I have my regrets. Mainly for what I did to the guy (I feel like I facilitated "cheating" even though we never had sex). But also, because I feel like it has, deservedly, bit me in the ass, karma-wise. To say that my wife has had emotional affairs since we married, would be putting it kindly -- I could use much cruder terms. She also pined for this guy. She hasn't for quite some time, but I feel like I got what I paid for for lack of a better term, and honestly, I don't trust that it could never ever happen again.

 

Do you think I did wrong? Do you think I got what I deserved? I don't know what I should do about this even if I did.

[Clio]

Yes, you did wrong by participating in emotional cheating. As for karma... This was a cause and effect thing. You chose someone who had demonstrated that she had unhealthy personal boundaries, was incapable of resolving relationship problems in an honest and healthy way and when circumstances got hard, she chose to stab the person she was with in the back instead of working towards a solution. Past behavior is indication of future behavior. In a way you had seen what she was like and you chose to ignore it. Cause and effect... Given that you have invested 20 years into this relationship, what you should do about it imo, is engage in couple's therapy with her to explore why this is happening and if it can be resolved. If it can't be resolved, divorce may give you the opportunity to find someone more reliable.

[greta96]

It's not karma...you know what they say...if she did it with you, she will do it to you too. That's how she is, loyalty is not her strong suit...no karmic reasons here.

[abitbroken]

In retrospect, you should have backed away from her and had her contact you when she was free and available. So it really was both of you.

 

I think that she may be someone who doesn't ever really end a relationship until she has something else secure, and she could have poor boundaries. If you asked her out, she said yes, rather than "i have a boyfriend" (but it was two to tango with you), and might be responding to these men simply because they make the first moves guised as friendship and "didn't know how it all happened."

 

I suggest that you cannot dwell on the past and you should make a beeline to marriage and personal counseling and deal with the now and the going forward if you can save this.

[Unreasonable]

Thanks for the replies. I agree abitbroken, I should not dwell on the past. However, I do think they can be indicators for the future, and I do think she has "the didn't know how it all happened" mentality as in there was no choice, or the man makes these things happen, poor helpless women get mesmerized and just can't resist.