It has been almost 5 months since the breakup and I am still struggling

[miss_sunshine]

It has been almost five months since my boyfriend of 11 1/2 years left me. I am still struggling. He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last at night. I do not really cry anymore and if I do it is only for a couple of minutes when I see a wedding on TV or hear a sweet line in a movie or something that reminds me of what I thought we had together. I am getting on with life as much as I can but I am just very sad. I still miss him so much. I want to talk it through and understand but I will not contact him. I know I want to speak to the person I thought he was, not the person he is. Here is one of my last posts that has a bit of background on my story if you have not heard it before .

 

I know that I should not care what he thinks but I find myself wondering if he regrets his decision, if he is truly happier all the time. I know we are apart and it is over but in a way it is like I truly have not accepted it yet. I do not feel single, but I guess it just takes time to get used to being on my own. I still don't know why I was not enough, why he left. Why he had to string me along for so long and tell me we were going to get married. Why we saved for a house deposit and he just bailed. Why he was so cold and changed before my eyes. I thought what we had was special, and that he loved me and it is so gut wrenching that it was not.

 

I am 31 and so scared that I will never get married, have children and have the life I always thought I would. I am a kind, loving person with a lot of love to give and share and no-one to give it to. All my friends are married and most have children and I wonder what I did wrong to end up alone.

 

Hugs to everyone out there who is sharing my pain.

[invisibleheart]

I can totally relate on your pain, 3 months now since the breakup from a 4 years relationship. Never heard from him since then... tried to reach out but nothing... its so painful and I can totally feel how much he resented me... I didn't know what I really did to him to warrant such treatment...

 

Randomly seeing wedding stuff is a dagger inside... romantic movie is a no, even just an endearing scene is like too much. I feel so cynical and jaded about relationships... that I can never find someone that will truly love me and be there for me. Sure, there are guys that are interested in me... but I don't wanna go desperately be with someone for the sake of being with someone. I do wanna get married and have children with someone I love... but how narrow that chances are becoming...

 

Sorry that this post is not altogether encouraging.

[miss_sunshine]

Hi invisibleheart, I'm sorry to hear about your pain. It is a awful thing to go through. Especially when you have no answers. I guess all we can do is become stronger people through this.

 

Sending you big hugs! Hopefully one day they will realize what they had in us but took for granted and we will have moved on to better things.

[sky09]

Try practicing positive thinking. Our consciousness is our best friend and greatest enemy. I know, it's hard as hell (I'm coming from a 5-yr relationship myself), but you have to make yourself believe that you will be happy again. And you will be

[gxzone]

Try practicing positive thinking. Our consciousness is our best friend and greatest enemy. I know, it's hard as hell (I'm coming from a 5-yr relationship myself), but you have to make yourself believe that you will be happy again. And you will be

 

This. Strong mind, its EXHAUSTING, but never give up and never stop fighting to be happier. Keep thinking and SAYING positive things, and make sure you can hear them yourself. Sounds like you already are on the way with describing yourself as kind and loving person with lots to offer.

 

When a lover leaves us, it makes us feel like we did something or that we are inadequate or not right or not enough in some way. Thats NOT TRUE - though I know how that can feel. Never having a successful relationship or having few friends is not a sign that your are a bad person. Sounds to me like you have your head on straight and DO have a lot to offer. Keep the strong mind and positive attitude.

[change4better1]

I learnt that fighting your emotions can be the worst thing you can do because you're only pushing it to the side for now. Emotions never give up they will wait until you stop fighting . The best thing I been doing is accepting my feelings and surrender to it. acknowledge and recognizing exactly what you feel could be the best remedy to moving on. I'm off a 10 Year Relationship and now working on my 3rd week of No Contact with yes No answers as to why ?? shrugs. I may feel sad, angry, confused, desperate, all that ties into breakups. But I choose not to live this way for the rest of my life. Currently self healing is my plan before putting myself back on the market.

 

hugs to you all ~~NewLife

[Ms Darcy]

I think you have to ask yourself four questions.

 

1. Am I ready to accept that it is over and to move on?

 

2. Am I open to/interested in therapy?

 

3. Am I ready to get the tools to believe that a breakup is not about me not being enough?

 

4. Am I motivated to work on myself and my self-esteem?

[metronome2012]

I read your older post. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Of course there was no way you could know he was unhappy if he didn't communicate with you! I know it's difficult, and I know it seems hopeless but there's so much more life and love outside of what you had with your ex. There are billions of people out there that are living their lives and couldn't care less about that guy... you can be one of them someday if you want! But you have to want it.

 

I guess my only advice would be that I seriously doubt he doesn't think of you after an 11+ year relationship. I don't know him, and I don't know why he blind-sided you the way he did... but sometimes people fear hurting the ones they love so much that they stuff all their unhappiness inside in the hopes that it will go away and get better. Maybe that's what he did to you? I'm not saying it's right or respectful... but you have to recognize that he's his own individual person with his own thoughts and feelings and issues... and he handled it his own way. Try telling yourself that you are lucky he ended it after 11 years rather than 12, 13, 14 years after getting the house and having children! *big hugs*

[Taven]

11.5 years, man that is a long time. It's going to take you a while longer I imagine, at least another year. The good thing is that's normal for such a long relationship, so you really shouldn't let the time it's taking you to get over him worry you right now.

 

You say you don't cry as much anymore, well there you go, that's progress!!

 

It took me nearly 2 years to feel "back to normal" again, after a 2 year relationship, (I consider myself someone who takes a long time to get over heartache). Not saying it will take you 11 years (it won't) but you still have a some of the journey left you need to fight through.

 

Just keep busy, doing what you're doing. When you feel a bit stronger maybe try some very light dating?

[Sparkles]

My heart goes out to you babydoll. I'm 11 months out of a 17yr relationship, I was the one that wanted to end it, months later I'm half thinking it was a mistake but it's too late now what's done is done. He's now moved on. Not a single day goes by when I don't think of him. I think it has got a little easier, I don't cry every single day anymore but I do cry every few days & it feels like I'm back at square one & I'll never get over him. Only last week I told my friend I felt I was starting to feel happy again but then a day later my ex (who I've a teenager with) told me he would be moving in with his gf of 7 months. She has 2 young kids. This literally hit me very hard but I have to try accept it as no point torturing myself with something I can't change.

Life's short op, it will get better with time, its just unfortunate that the time seems to be going so slow right now. hopefully this time next year our lives will have changed for the better. Hugs to you

[teeeg28]

I am in the EXACT same boat as you. Started dating my ex a couple weeks into high school and she blind sided me and left me the summer after my freshman year in college. That was about 5-6 months ago. Personally I have been doing much better lately but I have some days where she is all I can think about. Today being one of them... I always wonder if I ever cross her mind.I like to tell myself she does. Im thinking about maybe going to see someone just to chat, maybe you should do that same.

[sadchick83]

11 and a half years is a long time. I think the first year is the hardest because you are reminded of all the holiday you had spent together the year before. You are only 31, so there is plenty of time to meet someone else. Don't rush yourself. You want to meet the right person next time.

Congratulations for not contacting him. It is an amazing accomplishment. Time really does heal, so you will never feel as bad as you did at the beginning.

 

Please keep this in mind. You will meet someone better and when you do it will really help forget your ex.

[miss_sunshine]

Thank you all so much for your comments. It helps so much to know that I am not alone and that others share my pain. I hope you are right metronome2012 and he does sometimes think of me. It is so weird to go from living with and being with someone for 11 years and then they are gone and you never see each other again. It has been 5 months since I last saw him and in some ways it still feels like yesterday but at the same time it feels like a long time. I know I have come a long way since then, but sadly I still feel the same in a lot of ways. I do need to practice positive thinking like a few of you said so I will focus on that.

 

Ms Darcy you raise some very good questions. Am I ready to accept it is truly over and to move on. Well yes and no. I know it is truly over, but I need to accept he will never come back and tell me he made a mistake, apologise to me and somehow make the whole thing better. I know there is really nothing he can say that would help anyway. What's done is done, the hurt can never be taken away and we will never be together again as I know I deserve better than this. I am starting to get small pangs of anger (I am not an angry person) but I think it is progress. Rather than blame myself, I find myself thinking what an ass, and how could he do this. That what sort of person can just walk away after all that time, use someone up and then just spit them out when it suits. Not a good one and not someone who is worth my time.

 

I struggle with accepting that this person was in him all along. That he really never loved me in the way I thought. That all the pain I am going through now and love I feel for him even though I know he is not worth it. He is a liar and a coward and does not deserve my tears. I am angry the best years of my life in terms of age and time to meet someone and have a family etc were wasted on an idiot who just strung me along and I still do not understand what the hell he was doing. Why he thought it was ok to just bail and why he bothered to stick around for so long and trying to understand what I even meant to him. Not much in the end.

 

I am interested in therapy and working on my self esteem, realising that the breakup is not about me not being enough. I am very motivated to make positive changes in that area so I need to book that in very soon. Thanks for the great insights.

[miss_sunshine]

Thanks teeeg28 and I am sorry for your pain. I definitely need to go see someone. I would like help moving through all of the emotions and the best way to move forward in a healthy way and start to put the past behind me.

 

And sadchick83 I really do hope I meet someone else. My ex was so wonderful in many ways and I hope to find someone who I love that much but is also a more compatible partner. I keep having dreams where in the future he realises what he had and I am long gone. It is purely a fantasy but I would love him to realise one day just how much I loved him, always had his back, was there for him and truly thought he was wonderful. Maybe he never will. But I guess you just never know but all I can really do is focus on myself and living the best life I can. Hugs to you.

[BrokenHeartNYC]

It's been 8 months and I'm still a wreck. Difficulty breathing. Panic attacks, etc. At one point I had three therapists helping me try to refocus and accept the situation. Trust me you're not alone.

[miss_sunshine]

That is awful to hear BrokenHeartNYC. How long were you together? I hope you find some peace soon. Heartbreak truly is the worst kind of pain.

 

I read a quote the other day that I find so true - "It's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember". It is just going to take time. I loved him with all my heart and I still do and I will never forget him as long as I live. How sad it is that I have so much love to give to someone who does not want to give it back. Big hugs to you.

[trust101]

Don't seek for answers. They might clarify a few things but only hinder your healing process and exacerbate matters by questioning yourself. Nothing in life is set in stone. Once you learn to accept that it will be of a great benefit.

 

As for your friends, don't compare, as you never know half of them could end up in divorce going by statistics.

 

I'm really happy for you that you're not crying anymore, and avoiding certain things will aid that, but try and remember that because of this you are slowly becoming a more resilient person, able to withstand the toughest of periods. That in itself is far valuable than a life-long romantic relationship with someone you know that is bound to end, whether through a break up, death or other circumstances.

 

Hang in there. While it may feel like time isn't on your side anymore, resilience allows you to withstand the passing of time, embrace a new daunting era of your life and embrace the exciting tribulations ahead.

[Never2L8Coach]

I do not feel single, but I guess it just takes time to get used to being on my own. I still don't know why I was not enough, why he left.

 

I am 31 and so scared that I will never get married, have children and have the life I always thought I would. I am a kind, loving person with a lot of love to give and share and no-one to give it to. All my friends are married and most have children and I wonder what I did wrong to end up alone.

 

I am very sorry that you are going through this pain, I've been there before and there is nothing like it (I was 31 as well, with all the same fears that you're having right now about missing my chance to have a husband and children).

 

It may not seem like it right now, and it's extremely hard to do, but try to remember nothing is permanent. It's hard when this lack of permanency means we lose things that made us happy, but the upside is that it also applies to the bad times and the pain that comes with these bad times. The pain will fade and you will learn a lot about yourself along the way. Make your happiness and healing your personal project to get you through it - start each day by setting one thing to achieve that day which will make you feel good about yourself.

 

Losing a long term relationship is hard as our identities can become so wrapped up in the relationship we had, so it's hard to know who we are when the relationship is gone. Use this time to get you back, rather than focusing on the behaviour of someone else which you have no control over. You have control over you, make the most of it to find out who you really are and what will make you feel happier and stronger in future relationships.

 

Most of all, give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Big hugs to you xx

[miss_sunshine]

Thank you trust101 and Never2L8Coach your posts are very helpful. I am learning a lot about myself during this time and I know I will continue to do so. I am trying to focus on myself, give myself time and I really like the idea of starting each day by setting something to achieve that will make me feel good about myself. That is such a great idea. This is a hard, long road and I still struggle with the fact that he has just moved on and never looked back but all I can do is focus on my own growth and happiness. I had a rough night last night so it is so nice to have people on here to talk to and that relate to the pain I am going through.

[Never2L8Coach]

Sounds like you're doing all the right things I found that keeping a journal every day also helped - it wasn't pages and pages every day, just a page on how I felt that day along with highlighting the good and bad things and things I was grateful for. It helped me see what I actually still had and highlighted things I did which made me feel worse so I could spot negative patterns and break them.

 

Hang in there! xx

[miss_sunshine]

Thank you, I like the idea of a journal of things I am grateful for and writing down my thoughts. I will definitely give that a go.