Psychology of an Overlapper

[Lonewulv13]

I posted my story in the Breaking Up forum, so if anyone's interested they can find it there.

 

I just want to know if anyone has been in a relationship that was on the rocks, one of you started to pursue another relationship knowing yours was falling apart, made the rebound official once it did, regret it later then return?

 

Please, don't answer with "you should just move on, she's not worth it". I know, and I am. However I understand why she did it. She didn't want to face the pain, so she found someone to cushion her fall. I wasn't perfect, and I didn't make it easier for her to try and salvage our relationship. I love her, and I just want her to be happy. I know that great person she was is there, buried deep inside. Though no one can say if they'll return, knowing someone else did would at least give me a glimmer of hope. Maybe give me enough peace of mind that I could finally sleep well at night...

[LostinMidwest]

I don't know what you are really asking, so I am not sure if this is going to answer your question or not, but...

 

After a break-up you need to focus on you and only you. You need to learn how to grow as a person by YOURSELF. Not with the help of a rebound. You need to get stronger as an individual. You need not be concerned with what your ex is doing. After all, she is your ex...it doesn't matter what she does. You two are no longer together. Focus on what you are doing. Not on what she is doing.

[IAmFCA]

Yes, I have been an overlapper and am dating an overlapper, with lots of joy but still some trepidation remains.

 

When analyzing the overlapping scenario, it is important to consider the impact of the prior relationship. When the end of my prior relationship was devastating, I did not overlap afterwards.

 

This past summer, my interest in my prior was dwindling when I met someone who hit me like he was in bold lights and I simply asked him out. I ended my prior within a couple of weeks of that event; it took awhile due to conflicting schedules. So, overlap. Meanwhile, new guy was involved with someone, but not serious about her, and as he realized he wanted a relationship with me, he began to unwind it with her. This caused a great deal of tawdry drama which he now throws under the headline: "I was an idiot."

 

Because he overlapped and because I can not possibly be in his head, I remain, in my heart of hearts, cautious about the longevity of his affection. As I should be, it is nearly 5 months since we met, which is short indeed. I wish he had ended with a hard slam, but it carried on for awhile and nearly caused me to leave more than once.

 

My recommendation is: overlap for distraction, for escape, and recognize you are escaping the task of dealing with an issue head on. If you want a relationship, do not overlap. Deliver yourself to your next partner as a clean slate.

[Lonewulv13]

I'm not the overlapper. My gf of almost 2 years did so to me.

 

I guess my question is, if there was genuine love between you, and you simply had a falling out due to financial troubles>loss of intimacy\affection, ect., and one of you found that comfort in someone else before the relationship ended, how long before you (the overlapper) saw past the issues and remembered the love you have for each other?

 

It wasn't that she simply lost interest, or became more interested in someone else... Or GIGS... She get's high all the time so has no energy. She wasn't supporting our life together financially, which forced me to not want to show her affection. Someone else came along that started to show her the affection she wanted from me, I found out, kicked her out and that same day she made it Facebook official with the new guy... After only knowing him for like two weeks (she hid the notification, which I can only imagine was out of guilt, embarrassment, or to avoid conflict with me...when I found out I called her out and I deleted her, to which she retalliated by full out blocking me). Obviously that's not the basis of a healthy relationship by anyone's standards... I know it's her life and she can do what she wants, and I am doing everything I can to move on and work on myself. I love her. I don't want to see her continue down this path with that loser. I'm worried she took me kicking her out as proof that I don't love her, rather than being incredibly hurt...

 

I just don't want to lose her for good. Not like this...

[IAmFCA]

Overlapping?

 

Or cheating?

 

Or is it: can I go back to someone who used someone else to comfort themselves when our own relationship was lacking?

 

If I were married, maybe?

 

Generally, no. It was over for a reason, and now there has been wandering, and nothing fundamental has changed except now its even more chaos because of the other people involved. Its just too much chaos.

 

No.

[Hollyj]

I think you should call it what it is: Cheating.

 

Personally, the trust would be gone, and no hopes for a future. But, that's me.

 

It sounds like you're making a few too many excuses for this girl. You sound as if you have a different work ethic: she wastes her life getting high, and you work. Not a great combo, unless you want to support this woman for the rest of your life. I would also think about what type of role model she would be for your kids.

[Hollyj]

Also, She's a big girl and needs to learn these lessons on her own. if she chooses to waste her life away, then that is her decision. It's time for people to stop looking after her, so that she can grow up.

[Clio]

Overlapping IS cheating. Calling it by another name does not change what it is. "Overlappers" are cheaters. She may or may not come back, but if she did, you would essentially be spending your life with someone selfish, who has no respect for you and a loose moral code. And there is more. You are trying to get back with a drug addict who was living off of you. You need to step back and question your choice of person. Her lifestyle makes her incapable of a healthy relationship. Life is full of pain. 'She didn't want to face the pain, so she found someone to cushion her fall.' You are pinning after someone who will betray you when the going gets tough and life IS tough. Don't you want a happy life?

[patterned]

I don't do this, but someone I know that does looks for the situation when a relationship seems like it's ending because they could not possibly handle being caught alone. They need a connection to someone to feel secure and safe.

[IAmFCA]

I don't do this, but someone I know that does looks for the situation when a relationship seems like it's ending because they could not possibly handle being caught alone. They need a connection to someone to feel secure and safe.

This fits with his description of her.

 

You asked us, OP, not to advise you about wanting her back, but none of us would havery her back.

 

You can choose who you love, and you can love mote than once. Choose a love that is not self destructive so that your next relationship adds to your life.

[Lonewulv13]

Thanks for the input.

 

I probably should have mentioned, she never did any drugs before we were together. Then when our relationship started going down hill she smoked more and more... She does it to cope. She's reliant on it now.

 

I'm not trying to defend her. I just don't want to paint her as this complete loser, unworthy of affection. I know that if she snapped out of it and realized where she was going with her life, she would change her ways. This has happened a couple times. Not to this extent where she started a new relationship, but she saw other guy's when we were broken up. Each time she came back because she realized she was just trying to hide from the pain. The second guy, the one before this, she ended up sleeping with him after they got high/drunk. She came back and openly told me, distraught and in tears. She said she stopped pretty quickly because it felt wrong and that all she could do was think of me. She said she'd never forgive herself for it.

 

I can't imagine her having a genuine relationship with some pot head who lists his occupation as "being sexy"... Though like the others, its an escalation.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for. I guess I'm just like the majority of everyone else here, reaching at straws hoping I'll find the answers to all my problems on an internet forum...

 

I just want to know how long these jump ship relationships last, when the person they go to tells them everything they wished their significant other would say. Though I know no two people are the same, so trying to draw a timeline is pretty pointless. I just want to better understand the psychology of it. How often do these relationships last when they were started out of pain and the need to escape? She's still calling us a "bad relationship". How long before her anger and resentment fades and she see's our relationship with a clearer perspective?

[Lonewulv13]

I don't do this, but someone I know that does looks for the situation when a relationship seems like it's ending because they could not possibly handle being caught alone. They need a connection to someone to feel secure and safe.

 

And how long do those relationships last? Do they ever have regrets and return to the one they were with before?

[Supernova1607309611]

Water seeks its own level. So she's a pothead and she is now with a pothead. You're calling him a 'loser' but if all she does is sit around and smoke pot, she's a loser too.

 

and you say this is the SECOND or THIRD guy she's done this with. So she's a CHEATING loser not an 'overlapper' which is a polite word for 'big fat cheater who's an opportunist who jumps to a new person whenever they think the new person offers them something better.'

 

seriously, you need to see this woman for who she is, not some fantasy of who you hope she'll be. She probably uses guys to support her pothead lifestyle, and whenever you press her too much to quit, and she finds another meal ticket, she'll jump every time to the guy who leaves her alone and let's her stay stoned all day.

 

And buddy she's sure got you wrapped! So she gets to sit around all day stoned and bang other 'sexy' potheads then come cry to you about being 'in pain' or some other psychobabble and you take her and pot right back into your life without a thought. Drug addicts are notoriously manipulative users who lie, cheat, steal and use their partners as enablers to get an easy and comfortable life for themselves so they can spend their lives sitting around doing what they want to do, which is do drugs, rather than do the normal hard things like get a job, go to work, be responsible, etc.

 

So you need to get some therapy to understand why you are so willing to be her enabler and nurture a drug addict while she uses you. And make no mistake she is and has used you, and when you get sick of her using you and that causes conflict, she just jumps to the next guy who will allow her to use him with less trouble. And she'll jump back to you again if the new guy gets sick or it or doesn't have as much money as you or whatever. She's already repeated this pattern and you're falling for it yet again!

 

You don't need 'hope' that she'll come back, you need hope that you can rescue your life from the clutches of a drug addict! You need to call that counselor today and start working on understanding how to fix your life. And if can't afford a counselor, go to some Narc-Anon or Al-Anon meetings to learn how to stop being co-dependent and stop letting a drug addict manipulate and use you.

[IAmFCA]

I'm not trying to defend her. I just don't want to paint her as this complete loser, unworthy of affection. I know that if she snapped out of it and realized where she was going with her life, she would change her ways. This has happened a couple times. Not to this extent where she started a new relationship, but she saw other guy's when we were broken up. Each time she came back because she realized she was just trying to hide from the pain. The second guy, the one before this, she ended up sleeping with him after they got high/drunk. She came back and openly told me, distraught and in tears. She said she stopped pretty quickly because it felt wrong and that all she could do was think of me. She said she'd never forgive herself for it.

 

We can explain away any behavior we want to, if we want to. You have explained away much in the foregoing paragraph.

 

"If she just snapped out of it"... huh? Like, if she threw a light switch and suddenly became focused, goal oriented, and strong enough to address her isssues head -on? Yeah, I am sure that happens by just snapping out of it. Not.

 

With this paragraph, you grossly underestimate what it means to deal with one's own issues. Some live in denial for decades of adulthood. Into their 40s, 50s, 60s. There is no rule in life that says people will grow up. Many do not.

 

You are wishing to reconvene a relationship based on your faith that she will change. This is an insult to her and to yourself. Choose a relationship in which you are happy with your partner the way she is today, not the way you expect her to become.

[patterned]

And how long do those relationships last? Do they ever have regrets and return to the one they were with before?

 

That you ask indicates to me you're clinging to the situation. I think it's more important to ask yourself why you are drawn and driven to this type of treatment. She's not a child, not your responsibility. You're being treated poorly. You should be seeking out relationships of respect and mutual giving.

 

You're not going to feel better getting it back. You're going to feel better by realizing you're being treated poorly and deciding for yourself that you will not allow that sort of treatment any longer.

[Lonewulv13]

I suppose you're all right...

 

It's just so hard to grasp that this is how she is now. When we first started seeing each other she was working and going to university for child and youth. Then she failed her stats course twice (a ridiculously difficult subject which has little relevance to C&Y...), and they wouldn't let her try again for a year. From there it was a steady and slow decline. Then I joined the military, got injured and left. Then I was unemployed and smoking all the time while she worked/supported us for a few months (we were living at a friends place). I was severly depressed/dissapointed with myself. Though I managed to pull myself out of it and get another job. Then she started smoking, and it just escalated until here we are...

[Hollyj]

This is indicative with how she deals with life.

 

When things get stressed, she smokes weed and seeks comfort from others. Can you imagine this woman raising your children and the instability in the home.

 

I think if you were honest, there were many red flags before all this, as people do not make such a drastic change to their character.

[Lonewulv13]

There were many red flags indeed. The most unfortunate part is her change of character/lifestyle was the result of circumstance rather than poor decisions/judgment. Those negative circumstances resulted in her making those poor decisions. She was a very self sufficient girl up until recently. Depression lead to drug abuse and her downward decline...

 

Now, I'm not explaining this to try and justify her actions. I am aware she is capable of making positive choices, however I do know what she is going through as I've been there myself. Desparity leads to rash decisions. I managed to pull myself out. I just hope she will too...

 

Though that doesn't mean I'm going to wait around for her. I am moving on. If she turns her life around, realizes the poor decisions she's made and aims to correct them before my feelings fade, wonderful.

 

If not... That's life I guess.

[Hollyj]

Please look into co-dependency. CODA is a great resource if you're interested.

[IAmFCA]

was the result of circumstance rather than poor decisions/judgment. Those negative circumstances resulted in her making those poor decisions.

 

No. This simply not true. In every, every situation, we have a choice how we will deal with it. Evendors when reading about awful, inhumane situations, we learn how individuals exercised their power by using their imaginations.

 

The control over her situation, and yours, was always and remains within yourselves. Always and at all times.