AmelieM Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Anonymous - you are pretty much my breakup hero haha. Seriously, though, you handle these transitions with such grace and dignity, I truly admire your strength and hope to get to that place one day myself. Link to comment
Anonymous82 Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 Haha, thanks Amelie! I'm taking that as a compliment, though it would be fantastic if I didn't ever have to go through another one of these breakup things again. Link to comment
InLimbo25 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Hey Anonymous82! I read your update and it sounds like you are doing great! How long has it been for you since the break up? As much as open you are to reconciliation with her, have you thought about reaching out to her? I understand that you are fine the way you are, but you've also expressed interest in getting back together with her. How would that happen if you guys are not in contact? This is an honest question, because it's something I have been thinking about myself. Remember that I am in a similar situation quite like yours, I have texted my exbf a few times, and all times have been positive exchanges. Will there be a chance for me? I don't know, at this point, I don't have anything to lose as I believe I will be okay if things don't work out. Link to comment
Anonymous82 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 Hey Anonymous82! I read your update and it sounds like you are doing great! How long has it been for you since the break up? As much as open you are to reconciliation with her, have you thought about reaching out to her? I understand that you are fine the way you are, but you've also expressed interest in getting back together with her. How would that happen if you guys are not in contact? This is an honest question, because it's something I have been thinking about myself. Remember that I am in a similar situation quite like yours, I have texted my exbf a few times, and all times have been positive exchanges. Will there be a chance for me? I don't know, at this point, I don't have anything to lose as I believe I will be okay if things don't work out. Hey InLimbo! It's been about eight months since I broke up with my ex. When I initiated it, I wasn't necessarily thinking it would be permanent and I was hoping a break might help both of us figure out what we needed to do to make our relationship work. She was so emotionally shut down that the breakup conversation barely even happened. I expressed our relationship wasn't working and she said we'd figure it out down the road. I asked how and she didn't have any answers. I suggested I couldn't see any way it would just fix itself on its own and she didn't have anything else to say. That was it. It was a pretty surreal ending after a two-year relationship and 17-year friendship; no real discussion, no tears, nothing. She just didn't seem to think or feel anything toward me anymore. I invited her to dinner twice in the weeks after we broke up. Both times, I tried to discuss our relationship and breakup and to make it clear I was open to working on things if she was. She didn't want to talk about it, and she couldn't even answer a direct question about whether or not she might be open to working on things at any point down the road. I certainly had my own issues when we were together (a lot of which I've worked on substantially since we broke up), but the bottom line is through most of our relationship, her lack of ability to communicate with me or feel interest or attraction toward me really crushed me way more than I realized at the time. My self-esteem became too tied up in her and in our connection, and as the relationship went downhill, so too did how I felt about myself. In particular, her loss of physical interest in me and inability to feel "turned on" by me despite so many attempts on my part to work on it together made me feel undesirable and lose a ton of confidence in myself. (She was convinced there was something wrong with her that made her lose attraction to anyone after a few weeks, but I didn't see it that way.) I'm in a much, much better place now. I'm the happiest I've been in years, I'm in the best physical shape of my life, and I feel so much more confident in myself. I've been socializing a ton more, and the feeling I get when I'm just enjoying myself with my friends and noticing interest from girls (or guys, haha) toward me has been very energizing and empowering. Point being, I've come to realize that out of my own best interest, any attempt at a reconciliation would need to be initiated and encouraged by her. If I were to try to convince her to get back together and she agreed, I suspect I'd end up feeling like she was just going along with it but wasn't truly interested in or attracted to me. Honestly, I'd be pretty shocked if she ever made that attempt. She hasn't reached out to me in months (other than that very brief happy birthday email). Even if she did, it would take a lot of work, and she'd have to convince me she'd made some major changes in terms of being open to communicating about her emotions and dealing with her anxiety. She's an amazing person and I've never had as close a natural connection with anyone else as I had with her, but our relationship as it was just did not work. We'd essentially need to start a new one, and for that to happen, she'd need to have worked on herself as much as I worked on myself after we broke up. I'd love to be surprised, but given how shut down she seemed to be, it's just so hard to envision that happening. Anyway, I'm not sure much of this applies to you or your situation, but I hope it helps! Have you expressed to your ex that you're open to reconciling? If so, how long ago? If he knows where you stand, I'm not sure bringing it up again will do anything other than make it harder for you to move on. But if he doesn't, or if you feel you need to express it more firmly, it might make sense to give it a shot. I'd just go into it prepared for any outcome, and wanting him but not needing him. It sounds like you're doing a great job with that mindset already. Best wishes! Link to comment
AlBundy Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Hey Anonymous, I wanted to chime in here because I'm going through something very similar to what you've described. First though, I remember being a part of your original thread a few years ago when I was going through a different and much more intense break up. Your responses and kind words not to just myself but everyone else was very helpful during that time, so thank you! I just had a relationship come to a close about two weeks ago, but I knew it was coming for about a month before that. It was only 5 months, but I really fell for this girl, and that ended up being the problem. Her and I got along great in terms of mutual interests, senses of humor, all the surface layer stuff. Things escalated quick, becoming exclusive within a month or so, however we never had "the talk" about where we saw the relationship going, which I've learned after the fact was big mistake. I started seeing a possible future with her, settling down, marriage, kids, etc. She on the other hand, did not. I finally had the talk with her about a month before the break up. What motivated me to finally do this was that things started going down after she took a vacation for over week where she initiated very little contact with me. I laid it all out on the line to her then, telling her I was falling for her big time and that I wanted a real connection, a real relationship, more than just having fun and spending intermittent time together. She said she didn't know what she wanted, and that the idea of marriage scared her. She has thoughts of moving around, never really settling down, getting to travel and not feel "trapped" as she put it. I found it strange that a 31 year old woman would still want that lifestyle, which clearly wasn't compatible with mine. I do want to settle down and start that part of my life sooner rather than later. Like your ex you've described in this thread, my now ex was very emotionally distant, wanting to spend much more alone and "me time" than I do in a relationship. She often made plans without me and was just supremely independent. She also was very outgoing and fun in social situations, which is one thing that really drew me to her, but more withdrawn and aloof at home. She appeared to have it all together; good job, nice car, apartment, etc., but again, similar to your ex, she always seemed stressed and behind on her life behind the scenes. I was accepting of all of that, perhaps naively, and thinking that it might change, but as I really started developing feelings for her, her indifference and extreme independence started to weigh on me. I started getting somewhat anxious when I didn't hear from her for most of the day, and the quality of our conversations went down hill. I didn't realize how much the slow spiral was affecting my mood and overall daily satisfaction until now after it's been over. She admitted to me that she herself was falling into a bad emotional place due to other stuff going on in her life. I wanted to be there with her during a rough time, which is normal for me and normal for a participant in a healthy relationship. She said she lost interest in sex and was basically just going through the motions of her life at this point. After spending some time researching things, which I tend to do during rough times for me, I've learned that she is pretty much the poster child for emotional unavailability. All if it adds up, the withdrawing when emotions came in to play during the relationship, not following through on or not desiring to make shared plans, not reciprocating relationship "nice-ities" (like small gifts, compliments, subtle reminders that show you care), the great outside "presentable" life and the chaotic home and "internal" life, and her upbringing (parents had terrible marriage, dad was basically absent, both dad and grandfather were serial cheaters/adulterers, parents getting divorced this year). The writing was on the wall from the beginning for me, I just chose not read it and put surface layer compatibility above deeper emotional and future incompatibilities. While I'm hurting now from this, I do know I'll be just fine in time. I'm doing all of the right things needed after a break up. I do wish I could fast forward and get back to being comfortable on my own and strong and confident, like I was before I met her. I know for sure that I will, but the pace of time sucks after a break up. From this experience, I learned more about myself and what I want and also what I don't want in a relationship. I need someone that not only do I get along with at the surface layer (along with mutual attraction), but we have to have the same future in mind. I know she's out there, absolutely. In the mean time, I'm dusting myself off, keeping my head up, and carrying on. This girl or relationship didn't define me, it was just a good part of my life for a brief time. On wards and upwards! Link to comment
Anonymous82 Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 Hi AlBundy, First off, thanks very much for the compliment! That thread was quite therapeutic for me at the time, and it's awesome that it was able to serve that purpose for others as well. Wow, it sounds like your ex and mine are very, very similar (even right down to being the same age). I even had a similar situation near the end of our relationship where she was on vacation and made no attempt to keep in touch with me. I pretty much feel like I could've written that entire post myself other than the second-to-last paragraph... My ex had a much healthier upbringing that yours did, though she did go through some experiences that could've helped shape her struggles with emotional connection in a relationship. Honestly, that's a very impressive post just two weeks post-breakup. You're in a much, much better place than I was that soon afterward! Your perspective in that final paragraph is right on. Best wishes on continuing to move on... Judging by your post, you'll do just fine! Link to comment
AlBundy Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 No problem, I always appreciate people who help others in times of need. I agree too; writing out is very therapeutic. I think you and I have very similar mindsets and perspectives on these matters. I'd like to agree that I'm in a decent place now, especially considering the short time since things ended. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm still sad about it, still have those empty feelings, and I have to fight the self-doubting thoughts. I'm not at 100%, maybe like 75. But overall I'm able to keep things in perspective and remember that everything else in my life is still pretty awesome even though she and the future I envisioned with her are gone. With this girl, even though I did go all in emotionally (which I explained I probably shouldn't have), I did not make her the center of my life. In past relationships, I did, so when things went south, I was left with a very empty life. I'm happy with myself that I applied lessons learned from previous relationships this time around. I know I'll do that again, now with these new lessons, for the next one. Link to comment
Anonymous82 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 It sounds like you maybe had a bit of a sense for a while that this girl wasn't the one for you. 75% after a couple weeks is fantastic! You'll be back at 100% before you know it. Link to comment
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