Feelings After Ending a Two-Year Relationship with My Close Friend of 17+ Years

[Anonymous82]

Six-and-a-half years ago (!!), while questioning my decision to break up with my first serious partner, I started a thread on this forum to ponder whether ending a relationship with someone could possibly make you realize that person was really "the one":

 

 

The feedback I received was immensely helpful to me at that difficult time and aided me greatly in moving on. The thread has remarkably remained active over all these years, coming to mean a lot to me as I joined a host of others in trying to help those experiencing similar post-breakup feelings.

 

Now, I'm dealing with the (new) most difficult breakup of my life, and I thought it would help me to put it into words and share it here. I'm writing this largely for cathartic reasons, but I'd love to hear thoughts from anyone who may have them.

 

 

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Two weeks ago today, I broke up with my girlfriend. We had been in a relationship for two years and four months, but we've been close friends for more than 17 years now, since high school, so it has obviously been extremely difficult.

 

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On some level, I probably had feelings for her dating back to at least a couple years before we started dating, but the timing was never right; when I happened to move to her city five years ago, she had a boyfriend, and when she broke up with her boyfriend, I was dating someone. So I think it took until we were both single adults living in the same city for me to come to the realization that I was in love with her. Late into a May 2012 night, after we'd attended a concert together, I got up the nerve to risk (what felt like) everything and confess, having prepared myself for the expected outcome of her telling me she didn't feel the same way but determined I needed to get it off my chest regardless.

 

To my shock, she had been experiencing similar feelings. She wasn't sure how to handle it – I told her I wanted to take her out on a date, and I'd thought about kissing her – but she wasn't sure she was ready for that. It was an intensely nerve-wracking few days after that, having heard from her that she had started seeing me as more than a friend but then trying to figure out why she didn't know if she wanted to actually date me. Thankfully, my nervousness was relieved later that week when she told me she'd like to go out on a date. I took her to the lake to go jetskiing and have a picnic on the beach. The date was incredible, and a mostly magical two months ended with her officially asking me to be her boyfriend via a very sweet photo collage she'd made for me.

 

About a month after that, she moved to a suburb to start a three-year grad school program, the first two years of which would be there and the third year back in the city. We would be about an hour apart by train. Although I offered several times to help with the move, we didn't see each other or even speak much in the days leading up to it, as she had a very disorganized apartment to pack up, felt self-conscious about it, and said she didn't want me around in that state. Perhaps I should've seen this as a worrisome sign of things to come.

 

Our relationship deteriorated over the next few months after she moved (which was just three months after our first date). We lost much of the connection we'd felt toward each other. I'd offer to come up to see her after work almost every day, but she didn't seem excited about it. As a result of this along with the stress of my job, I'd get there after the commute and feel disconnected and indifferent about seeing her as well. Our sex life quickly went downhill along with everything else; I felt as if she was no longer interested or didn't find me attractive anymore.

 

When things were going well, we'd always assumed we'd live together in the city for the third year of her program. But as our relationship struggled, I became increasingly aware that I no longer thought it was likely to be a good idea. I tried to initiate discussions about my concerns, but they never accomplished much; she preferred to live in the moment and hated serious, stressful "state of the relationship"-type conversations. When it came time for her to plan her move, I pretty much told her that due to the negativity in our relationship and the lack of ability we seemed to have to improve it, I didn't think we should live together.

 

Still, we hoped throughout our struggles during those two years that they were more due to the distance than anything else. (I think she truly believed it; I was skeptical but tried to buy in.) Even though we weren't going to be living together, she was still going to be moving into an apartment just ten minutes from mine, and she was no longer going to face the stresses of schoolwork (the third year is essentially an unpaid working position with no classes). We hoped things would get better once she was back in the city and we could be near each other again.

 

Unfortunately, it just didn't happen. After another move with which, for the most part, I was again not allowed to assist, the distance between us and the struggle to connect continued, or maybe even got worse. The thoughts I hadn't been able to shake about needing to end things continued, but I no longer had the fallback of, "Things might get better when she moves back to the city."

 

The breakup happened over the phone, about which I feel very badly. Thoughts of ending it had been building up in me for a long time, and I knew it might happen that night, but I didn't intend for it to play out the way it did; I don't even think I unequivocally ended it permanently during the phone call, but I did stress that I'd become convinced there was no solution to the relationship problems we both knew we had. I think maybe I was hoping that the thought of really breaking up might lead her to suggest some changes we could both make that she thought could save us (even though I would've been skeptical of them working)... but she didn't have any.

 

The difference between our views of our relationship at that time were that while I'd concluded I could see was no realistic way of it improving, she still held out some sort of hope that it would somehow fix itself somewhere down the road. She couldn't, however, provide any sort of reassuring explanation for how that might happen. At the end of the talk, which was barely 15 minutes, I told her multiple times that I wanted to speak in person the next day, but she said she didn't want to because she didn't know what else she could say. At that point, I came to the realization that I had actually gone through with it and our relationship, at least for the moment, was truly over. I had been the one to do it, but nonetheless I was devastated.

 

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So what caused two people who were seemingly so compatible, had so much in common, and had such a strong friendship not to work well together in a relationship? The main thing I think I've learned is that a successful relationship takes so many different factors. You could find someone who seems to match you perfectly in terms of ideals, views, interests, physical and emotional chemistry, etc., and it still might not work if you don't see eye to eye on how you desire your relationship to function.

 

It's obviously very complicated, but I think the struggle for me came down to three primary factors...

 

1. We have a significant gap in how much independence versus codependence we desire and how much time we want to spend together in a relationship. While I certainly expect and want to have my own interests and for my partner to have hers, I connect by spending one-on-one time together, either engaging in a shared activity or simply doing our own thing in close proximity. She was much more independent and preferred to do her own thing a lot of the time. I think in our ideal worlds, I would've wanted to see her five or six days a week, while she would've wanted to see me two or three. I was constantly offering to commute up to her place after work because I wanted to see her, but if she had made plans or was busy with school, she didn't want me there. I stressed I just wanted to be around her and would be happy to do my own thing – cook dinner, watch TV, surf the Web, etc. – while she studied, but it didn't help. A dynamic emerged where there was frustration on my end every time something of hers came up of which I couldn't be a part, and then resulting frustration on her end when she just wanted to do her own thing without upsetting me.

 

2. We are on complete, polar opposite ends of the organizational spectrum. I am hyper-organized to a fault (with some light OCD tendencies); the moment a project appears in my life, I need to get it done immediately so I can remain feeling "caught up" on everything. Meanwhile, she is about as unorganized as one can be; she didn't manage to unpack her last apartment in the two years she lived there, has piles of mail and bills and literally hundreds of tasks and thousands of emails to catch up on, etc. We would both prefer to be more like the other: I wish I could live in the moment to a greater degree and not get so distracted by the need to complete a task as soon as it reaches me, while she wishes she had more control over her life. This doesn't seem like it should have to be a major relationship issue, but it was quite toxic at times. I'd see she hadn't done something I felt was important – renewed her medical insurance, submitted a credit card application, unpacked her room, etc. – and I'd try to gently encourage her to do it. It wouldn't happen, and rather than drop it and accept that it's her issue to deal with in the end, I'd continue to stress about it until I either wouldn't want to upset her by bringing it up again but was clearly bothered by it, or attempted to bring it up again and either hurt her feelings or made her angry.

 

These first and second points were also very intertwined, as the lack of order in her life took its toll on her when she was alone or with just me. We're both quite social, but I tend to be more relaxed and able to recharge when I'm alone or with just her. Meanwhile, she's much more extroverted: when she's around other people, she's very happy, upbeat, and carefree (this is how all her friends think of her, and how I thought of her before we started dating), but during her downtime, she's often extremely anxious and stressed out over all the tasks she feels are hanging over her. I think she feels trapped, like she's too far behind on life to ever catch up. I know this isn't true, and I always tried so hard to help her dig her way out of it, but she was too anxious and nervous to let anyone in to this part of her life – even me – so she would refuse.

 

3. We struggled mightily with physical intimacy as our relationship went on. She seemed to lose her sex drive, and I seemed to lose my self-confidence in my appearance. I always thought she was more attractive than I was; before I ever revealed my feelings for her, I figured she wouldn't be interested because she was out of my league. But when we started dating, it was more that I thought I was a reasonable attractive man while she was an extraordinarily attractive woman. As our relationship went on and she began to get turned on by me less and less frequently, I think I subconsciously started to feel much worse about myself physically. My self-image became one of an undesirable, ugly, not-masculine-enough man, and this impacted not only my confidence but also my general well-being and sense of worth. Looking back, I may have even been depressed during the latter stages of our relationship.

 

I brought up these intimacy issues a lot since they were constantly on my mind, but she never wanted to talk about it. She always insisted that she was very attracted to me physically but just wasn't really interested in sex much anymore. I couldn't accept this explanation as valid though, as I knew she still had sexual thoughts and feelings, was intimate with herself more often that she was with me, etc. I also had trust issues (which I never experienced in past relationships), in part because of a couple incidents in her past but mostly because I thought if she wasn't interested in me, she must be interested in some other person or people.

 

Post-breakup, she is convinced there is something wrong with her that causes her to lose her physical attraction to and sex drive with any relationship partner after a few months, when it's not "new and exciting" anymore; I'm convinced she'll maintain it when it's with a more handsome guy to whom she's truly attracted.

 

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So here we are now, two weeks apart, and I'm of course struggling mightily with the breakup. After past ended relationships, tough as it was to move on at first, there were clear personality differences that had led to my realization that I could no longer envision a future with my former partner. In this case, I understand why the relationship didn't work, but it's harder when our lives, personalities, and entire beings fir together so well and the downfall was instead just how we function within the context of a relationship. I know I'm still in love with her (and I believe she still loves me), and I never stopped being able to envision a future with her... but maybe that future was unrealistic and based on us living in a manner that wouldn't make both of us happy.

 

Meanwhile, I'm faced with the unspeakably difficult task of figuring out how to function post-breakup. We have so many mutual friends with whom both of us were close prior to when we even began dating. I'm generally a huge believer in going completely no contact for a solid period of time, but that may not be realistically possible in this case.

 

I've seen her a couple times since (at previously planned activities that involve a bunch of mutual friends), and while we both got through it and probably appeared to everyone else to be doing just fine, I felt so much love toward her and so sad and reminiscent looking into her eyes that my heart was in my stomach and I was almost on the verge of tears the entire time. I have no idea how she was handling these interactions with me; she seemed totally fine to me, but of course I probably seemed totally fine to her as well while in reality I was anything but, so who knows...

 

I hope it will get easier over time, and I think I'll be OK as long as I don't get any sense that she's interested in another guy. But I also know I would have an overwhelmingly, intensely difficult time dealing with any hint of an attraction or interest from her toward someone else (even though I of course recognize it has to be perfectly fair for her to feel that way toward someone). So while I desire to see her and recognize I can't totally avoid her even I wanted to, I have this gut feeling that I need to find a way to remove myself from her life as much as possible before I end up in a situation where my heart gets completely ripped to shreds.

 

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I stumbled upon this paragraph from a post I made after I ended my first serious relationship six-and-a-half years ago, and it rings very true today:

 

"The one thing I'm trying to focus on to comfort myself is that regardless of how things turn out, this was something I needed to do. I had thought about breaking up with her for a long time, and there's no way that thought was magically going to vanish from my head if I stayed with her. So whether we end up back together or not, I feel this was something that needed to happen."

 

This relationship was not going to fix itself on its own and we'd clearly proven ourselves incapable of fixing it, so I know I did the right thing by ending it. But I can't help but wonder if being apart might help make both of us realize we want to be together and need to change in certain ways and improve our own lives as individuals in order to become better partners for each other. Of course, I had similar hopes of a down-the-road relationship renewal with that first ex, only to get over her and move on within a few weeks. Maybe this one will be different... Only time will tell.

 

Breakups suck.

[shazm]

Hi Anon82,

 

I'm sorry to learn about your recent breakup. Having read through your epic 49 pages-and-counting thread and the way you provide astute advice over 5 years, I can tell you have a great handle on things relationship-wise, and you should be further along the path of recovery of self now. Even as you mentioned that each relationship is more rewarding and meaningful than the last, it doesn't get any easier at this stage since the hurt gets more intense as well. Hang in there, and I hope something good, or better, works out for you.

 

Curiously my recent relationship ended at about the same time as you, and the reasons for the BU are similar, especially point 1 and 2, in that we had amazing chemistry together, but it's the small things that we do not expect that caused the relationship to splinter. Hope you have a happy update to share, because I hold out the same hope that things can work out in the end!

 

Best of wishes.

[Anonymous82]

Hi shazm,

 

Thanks so much for reading my thoughts (I can't believe you made it through that epically long post!) and sharing your response.

 

This update isn't really happy or sad; somewhere in between, I guess. Overall, the past month has been extremely difficult. I've felt down a lot and had trouble keeping my mind occupied with anything other than her and how much I miss her. (The OCD doesn't help in this regard, I'm sure.) Of course, I've been through breakups before and was somewhat prepared for what was coming, but it still feels like the hardest thing in the world when you're actually going through it.

 

We have been in periodic touch, run into each other at a few of our mutual friends' events, and even had two in-depth one-on-one conversations – one over the phone and one at a restaurant, both lasting several hours. I think we both recognize that our relationship clearly wasn't working as it was and that this breakup, whether temporary or permanent, needed to happen.

 

Though I continued to miss her badly, I think I was gradually starting to feel better about myself up until last weekend, when I had a bit of a meltdown. We'd had a trip planned together before we broke up, and it got complicated post-breakup because it was a trip she'd earned through her studies, but a big group of my friends had already made reservations to join us. I wanted to back out (partly to give her space but mostly because I was afraid I couldn't handle it… which unfortunately turned out to be correct), but she kept strongly encouraging me to go and have fun with my friends, expressing hope we could all meet up on the last night after her events were over, so I took her advice and kept my plans intact.

 

As the weekend went on, I missed her more and more to the point that I could barely function. This was magnified by the fact that she gradually went from definitely wanting to see me to maybe wanting to see me to not wanting to see me at all. She slowed her responses in our texting conversation, and eventually stopped them altogether, which made my mind irrationally wander to all sorts of horrible thoughts about what she was doing without me. I was so miserable that I couldn't even have a good time at all despite being at some extremely cool dance clubs. Of course my friends tried to cheer me up by buying me drinks and shots, which only made matters worse. I ended up sending some texts that made me look quite insecure, jealous, and desperate, and basically having one of the most difficult, painful weekends of my life.

 

Thankfully, I'm already feeling better again now that I'm back to "normal" life. I texted her after the trip to apologize and she accepted, and we're planning to get together for dinner or coffee sometime this week.

 

So essentially, things are still in limbo. On the negative side, this hope sort of keeps me stuck in terms of how to heal from the breakup itself. We've limited contact substantially but haven't chosen to go entirely no contact. I think it can be beneficial that we're able to reach out to each other at times, but given how hard it's been to get through some of the tougher days, there's also a fear of doom over the possibility that she'll eventually move on and leave me completely crushed and having to start healing from scratch all over again. But on the bright side, I think we both have hope that with a better mindset, more dedication to each other, and, most importantly, much better communication, it's possible we could end up back together and our relationship could work out.

 

Thank you very much for the compliments about my relationship advice to others. It's funny how I can read about other people's situations and have a strong sense of what I could express that would be helpful to them, but then am so horrible at handling things when it comes to my own breakup.

 

How have you been feeling lately? What has your trajectory been like from breakup to now, in terms of how happy/sad you've been and how much you've felt like you're making progress? Are you in contact with your ex, and if so, how frequently? I'm interested to hear more about your situation if you'd like to share!

[sky09]

Anon, I did read your post as well. I think you need to give each other some space and work on your issues. Have that last meeting, say whatever you need to say, then go NC (minimal contact) from there.

[shazm]

I think you definitely need to do NC. Every single encounter with her so soon after BU will leave you with searing feelings of should-I's and what-if's, especially since you know (from sheer statistics on 49 pages of sharing over yearssss) that every moment you stay so close to her as a friend now is a moment closer for her to get over you, or to continue a relationship that has fundamental issues which will eventually go the same way. I don't think many people can make changes while they're in limbo, and no changes means no difference, which means same outcome. NC until you get clarity, you know the drill

 

My situation since BU till now has been largely one of healing and no contact with her. In the first few weeks, I ran through memories of the last few days before BU like an endless loop of bad song repeats. Lots of time spent on this forum has alternately given me hope, disappointment, understanding and acceptance of what is. I also learnt lots of theory regarding GIGS, princess entitlement syndrome(this describes her fairly well), nonchalence, etc tools which made sense and gave me insight, but also provided more information than my scattered brain can handle... Luckily I had church retreats, lots of long runs, golf lessons and a hastily arranged diving trip to take my mind off things, which helps especially on weekends!

 

Finally after 30 days of sleeping poorly, talking to every friend who I think can handle a broken hearted man's conversation, incessant checking of her status on facebook and whatsapp (just wanted to see if she's online, or out till late - a little creepy I know) and generally feeling sad and unsettled, I finally decided to drop a very neutral message to her yesterday to ask for coffee in the coming week. After all, her birthday is in a week's time, and I was torn between ignoring it and celebrating it with her. She replied that she was busy, and suggested catching up in December instead.

 

After seeing her reply, I've been feeling a strangely wonderful sense of calm and peace, and have since been able to delete Facebook, Instagram and her contact number on my phone(though I've memorized it This really helps to keep my mind off further negative/positive thoughts which will upset my fragile balance at this time. Today is probably the first day I realised I hardly thought about her at all, or checked up on any detail of her, and it's a really hard earned peace that I don't think I want to lose further. She's the closest thing to me in terms of chemistry (same style of jokes, same religious beliefs, similar social skills, I enjoy every single minute with her etc) and many virtues, but also has many emotional baggages and possibly even someone else in her mind now, and I think I've tired myself out emotionally in the past month or so to really continue in this manner. I believe you and I are in the same age group (if you're 82) and we're guys in the prime of our lives! Sad as the state of matters are now, in the end we will survive, live long and prosper. What is meant to be will be, whether it's with her or someone else

[Anonymous82]

I'm assuming that's a typo and you're not really 82... but if you are, it's fantastic that you view yourself as being in the prime of your life!

 

Congratulations on how much progress you've made over the past month! It sounds like you have a fantastic perspective, and things are only going to get better for you.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you said. "Sleeping poorly and talking to every friend who I think can handle a brokenhearted man's conversation" pretty well describes my last 30 days as well. And I'm totally in the same spot when you talk about how your ex is the closest person to you whom you've ever met in terms of chemistry and life values, but also carries with her some emotional baggage.

 

To me, that makes it so much harder though. If things hadn't worked out because of a lack of chemistry/compatibility/values, I think I'd be coming to accept it by now. But when it's nothing to do with that but instead just a difference in relationship concepts or behaviors, it just feels like there should be a way for us to work past that and go back to being happy together.

 

Now that you're feeling more at peace, are you still planning to get that coffee with her in December? Or do you think that will set you back? Are you still holding out hope that you'll get back together, or are you more in the mindset of having moved on?

 

I know you say, "What is meant to be will be, whether it's with her or someone else," but unfortunately, I'm not a big believer in that sort of "fate" myself. I think we make our own fate, and I fear whatever I'm doing now (whether it's seeing her when I shouldn't or not seeing her when I should) could end up costing us the possibility of being together down the road.

 

Thanks very much to you and sky09 for the advice. I definitely understand the benefits of NC, particularly in a situation like mine. I'm supposed to have that get-together with her this week, which will hopefully provide some clarity and/or closure, and then I'll take it from there. I'm hoping NC isn't the next step because I know how difficult it can be, but I think I'm starting to calm down and gain enough perspective to understand that depending on how things go this week, it may be the necessary thing to do.

 

Meanwhile, I'm trying to do a lot of focusing on all the things I have to be thankful for in my life. In particular, I'm so lucky to have such incredible friends and family who are not only willing but happy to listen to me talk and offer me their advice.

 

Best wishes.

[shazm]

I mean 1982! I'm in my 30s, by the way Diving if you're 82 must be a real feat haha.

 

I am in the same shoes as you, but with far less contact(one SMS and one facebook posting, no face-to-face). And while my heart feels that it's impossible that things have come to this, my mind has achieved that sense of peace by accepting that things have changed. The hurt remains, not emotionally but spiritually, and I allow myself to feel the sense of loss and regret, without allowing her face flash through my thoughts (so easy to do) which would immediately tip my balance off the precipice again. Do I want to reconcile with her? Yes, definitely. But I also recognise that without changes in mentalities from both parties, we will come to the same point again. Which is why that coffee might happen nearer Christmas, than at the start of Dec. More likely than not in my circumstance, reconciliation will be further down the line, if at all.

 

I read this book "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida, and it made a great point - choose a woman who chooses you. I hope your get-together this week will provide you with clarity on her intentions. I'm glad to hear you have a great support structure behind you, you're not alone!

 

Best wishes.

[Anonymous82]

Haha, whoops! Yes, I'm 1982 as well! Not sure how I missed that.

 

It's great that you seem to have found complete acceptance over the reality of your situation, even as you ponder what may or may not happen down the road. I'm not quite there at the moment, but I'm hopeful this next meeting will provide me the clarity to either focus on what we'd both need to do to work toward reconciliation, or to start working toward that level of acceptance.

 

"Choose a woman who chooses you" definitely rings true. Of course, it's complicated by the fact that I, not she, ended the relationship, but it was largely her loss of interest and my failed attempts to address it that got us to this point. I can't even entertain the idea of us getting back together, much as I want it to happen, unless I get the sense she truly wants to same thing and is "choosing me."

 

Hope your next month and coffee meet-up go well. Keep us posted!

[shazm]

Well things have moved further along now, and I'm not so sure I want to meet my ex in Dec anymore.

 

I messaged her on her birthday, as planned. She acknowledged... and then later in the day, she posted on Facebook about how her day went, thanking her sis and friends, as well as a new guy she met whom she had a dinner date with.. Not a mention at all about how I helped her through her most difficult period of her life, which was her mum's passing this year. It is as if I never existed. I get the feeling that she has moved on without me, and I should move on emotionally as well.

 

How did your meeting go? Hope you're happier now in any case

[ragdoll15]

Anonymous82, how is your life going now? I've also followed your 49-page thread. Your story of love lost, love found, and heartbreak really speaks to me.

[Anonymous82]

Anonymous82, how is your life going now? I've also followed your 49-page thread. Your story of love lost, love found, and heartbreak really speaks to me.

 

Thanks ragdoll. It's nice to know there are others out there who can connect to my experiences. Hope you're doing well.

 

It's been a long road, and there are still ups and downs, but I'm doing much better overall. Time and some distance have helped.

 

The heartbreak actually spurred me to make a lot of changes in my life. I started seeing a therapist, and she provided some great advice on how to work on my mindset. I've been practicing some mindfulness techniques (trying to step outside of my mind, accept that what I'm thinking is just thoughts, not truths, and learn to let them go and focus on the present). I haven't been able to meditate yet, but the principles behind it have still been very useful. I'm learning to embrace uncertainty and to be OK with not being caught up on everything all the time (something that has caused me a lot of stress in the past due to some OCD tendencies). I've also started working out and socializing more. My confidence has grown significantly, and I'm generally finding myself happier and with a much more positive outlook on life.

 

I still her miss her, of course. We've had some contact, but she seems hesitant to initiate anything with me. I used to think I'd reach a point where I'd need a definitive answer from her on if she's moving on -- something she couldn't tell me the last time I saw her over three months ago -- but I've realized I can't ask for that. If we were to get back together under those pretenses, I'd wonder in the back of my mind whether I "pushed" her into it. I need to just focus on myself and try to live my life and do whatever is comfortable and whatever makes me happy. I still hold out some hope, but I don't depend on it anymore and I'm focused on trying to embrace life's uncertainties instead of stressing about them or trying to "solve" them all the time. I think I've been doing a much better job of that lately.

[engraved2008]

Anonymous82... I really love your point of view...I got a question however regarding knowing she is not the ,,one ''. You probably might see my threads , but what triggered my ex boyfriend to know that we have no future was when I got pregnant... He stated everything was going good until then , and that's when he fell out of love , 6 month into the relationship .... Well, that would have been my first child for me ...and the 3 for him. just wondered how he realized that there was no future when that incident happened ...

[chickadeedee]

^^

He probably didn't want more kids, and saw that you did. A surprise pregnancy sobered him up to the realization that he didn't want more children than the children he already had, and you did, so no future because of that incompatibility in goals. Some people just don't want to do the whole pregnancy/infant/baby thing all over again after they've done it before. It can be rewarding, but it is also exhausting and expensive and a totally different lifestyle than living without children or only with older children.

[Brokenhart84]

I read your previous thread. There is a lot to be said about relationships. They are difficult. Nothing is clear cut.

[Anonymous82]

You probably might see my threads , but what triggered my ex boyfriend to know that we have no future was when I got pregnant... He stated everything was going good until then , and that's when he fell out of love , 6 month into the relationship .... Well, that would have been my first child for me ...and the 3 for him. just wondered how he realized that there was no future when that incident happened ...

 

Just to clarify, it was my first ex from seven years ago whom I should've realized wasn't "the one" much more quickly. With my recent ex referenced in this thread, that was not the case... I could always see a future with her and had a very strong connection with her, but the relationship struggled in the present because of the issues I outlined -- issues that felt to me to be very overcome-able with commitment and communication, but she resisted that communication and I didn't handle it well. I've grown a lot since then.

 

Regarding your ex and the pregnancy, I agree with chickadeedee. I don't have any experience with it myself, but the prospect of having a child can have a very profound impact on a couple, and not always in the same way. It sounds like he was in a place where he was not prepared for that or did not want it, and when it happened, it caused him to conclude he no longer wanted to remain in a relationship with you.

 

I can only imagine how difficult that was to take, but better to know now than later I suppose? Hope everything works out for you.

[engraved2008]

Yes....I agree with u all.Actually he was the one that mentioned that he wanted children one day , to replace the family he had lost.... I never thought I could have children , and I did not think about children as a ,,must have " , it happened accidentally ....well, I guess everything happens for a reason .thanks to all of u

[InLimbo25]

Hi Anonymous82!

I have caught up to your whole situation and I was wondering how you're doing now?

 

I hope you and this exgf got back together!!!

[Anonymous82]

Hi Anonymous82!

I have caught up to your whole situation and I was wondering how you're doing now?

 

I hope you and this exgf got back together!!!

 

Hi InLimbo! (Hopefully you're not in limbo anymore!)

 

I'm doing very well, thanks!

 

My ex and I are not together and have not had much contact for a while now. My birthday was last month and I got a very short, nondescript email from her, but that's about it.

 

But I'm feeling so much happier all around -- at work, with friends, at the gym, at home, everywhere. I came to realize it wasn't just the misery of the breakup I had to move past, but also the sadness that came from the many difficult months toward the end of our relationship when I felt like I couldn't do anything to fix it.

 

I still think about her sometimes of course, and it still hurts that we were never able to communicate effectively about our relationship as it was unraveling or even afterward. But when I get upset about what felt to me like her inability to work on things with me or disinterest in doing so, I just remind myself that she wasn't doing anything intentionally to hurt me. She's an amazing, sweet person who just hasn't been able to deal with some issues in the same way I would or in a manner that would allow us to work through them together. Maybe someday she'll open up, and who knows where I'll be in life then, but I can't sit around and wait.

 

But mainly, it's just such a relief to truly feel happy for the first time in a long time, to be out socializing because I actually want to be, to be able to enjoy time at home without feeling down about it, and to just have fun and be excited about my life and my future again!

[InLimbo25]

Happy belated birthday!!

 

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling happier and I have to say I'm in the same boat as you are.

The reason why this particular situation of yours sticks out to me is because my ex and I have known each other for 15 years, and we were really close friends before that. Him and I have been there for each other in our other failed relationships and when we finally got together, our friends and family weren't surprised because they saw our dynamic together. Our friendship created a strong foundation for our romantic relationship.

 

As for whether or not I'm in limbo, I would say that I am. My ex decided to end the relationship because he didn't see a future with me (similar to your other situation from your other exgf from previous years ago) but he wanted to remain friends. I told him in order for me to move on from him I can't be in any contact with him. However every few weeks, he would indirectly contact me through mutual friends asking how I am, giving them a birthday present to give to me, or telling them to tell me that he's offering to carpool with me to my new job, etc.

 

Our break up was over a month ago and I can honestly say that I am happy. Like you, I've been socializing, going out, meeting new people, taking online courses, and got a new job. Also like you, I can't sit around and wait, but deep down, I am hoping a reconciliation is in our future. I know I don't need him, but I do still genuinely want to be with him.

 

Your outlook on all your situations has been very inspirational!

[Anonymous82]

Thanks so much for the kind words... It's so cool to me that my thoughts shared on some online forum during a difficult time in my past can be helpful to people I've never even met.

 

It definitely sounds like there are a lot of similarities in our situations. How long did your relationship with your ex last?

 

I'll say this: Everyone recovers at his or her own pace, but it's terrific that you are already starting to feel genuinely happy again after just over a month! It sounds like you're doing a great job of focusing on yourself and living in the present.

 

I can relate to that feeling of being in limbo as well. For me, I was never able to get the answers I used to feel like I needed from my ex because she was so closed off to talking about our relationship after it ended (and to a large extent during it as well). I kept waiting in vain to hear some sort of definitive answer from her and try to gain some closure, but eventually I realized I had to respect that she may never come to a point of wanting to express herself to me again. True closure has to come from within, and though I'd always be open to talking with her and would never say definitively what the future does or does not hold, I found that it order to be happy, I had to just move on with my own life and try not to concern myself with what she may be thinking or feeling. Until or unless she decides to express that to me, it can't be my concern anymore.

 

I also totally understand your desire for distance from your ex in order to try to move on. That's totally healthy and normal, and it's brave of you to express that to him even though I'm sure it was quite difficult. It's hard sometimes to toe the line between wanting to be open to a reconciliation but also not wanting to make it harder for yourself to move on. But it sounds like you have a great perspective on everything and are doing all the right things to make yourself happy.

 

Best wishes. Keep us posted!

[InLimbo25]

Our relationship lasted roughly 1.5years.

 

Thanks! I do feel great, and I certainly know that I don't need him. And I'm not expecting to get back together with him, but a part of me hopes we'll work something out in the future. We were texting a few days ago, and it was brief. I saw something that reminded me of him, and he was nice about it. But I ended the conversation after a few messages because I didn't want him to think I was being creepy.

 

As for your situation, it sounds like your ex-girlfriend had difficulty in letting you into her life. Was there anything in her life that may have caused that? Or was she just raised to be independent? It's odd because females are usually better at communicating and are usually the ones who encourage closure. I think you're very strong in letting her go, especially since she was a close friend of yours.

[Anonymous82]

Regarding your two questions about my ex, it's a bit of both. She tends to cope with anxiety by blocking out her emotions and just living in the moment. She's remarkably successful at it in social situations, but it leads to a lot of stress and unresolved issues. She's also never been one to communicate or express deep feelings or emotions in relationships (ours and her previous ones). I didn't always handle that well at all, but I was definitely more the communicator than she was when we were together.

 

I think you're showing a lot of strength in doing what's best for you! Also, I wouldn't worry about him thinking you're "creepy"; decide if/when/how to contact him based on what you think is best for YOU, not how you think it might influence his perception of you.

[charity]

This and your last thread have been very helpful to me.

 

I just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. It was a short relationship- 6 months. It was a very nice relationship...honestly he was so wonderful to me and I loved being with him. In the present everything was great and I had little to complain about. Yet...I didn't see a future.

 

I have children and he was ready to take everything on board. He ticked my boxes if you know what I mean....He alway tried to bring something to the table and never viewed my many other commitments and responsibilities as a negative thing. But for me I just didn't have that feeling of 'this is right'. You know? And due to that I put up barriers and it was just so unfair to him.

 

He took the break up very well, said he saw it coming and he's glad he took the chance with me. I have been crying ever since...absolutely gutted. It took all of my strength to not drive to his house last night and beg forgiveness...and now of course I feel completely ready to commit to him!

 

But I know its early days and in fairness I did think things through before breaking up. It would be unacceptable for me to rush back in only to feel the same way weeks or months down the road.

 

I never told him I loved him. I did feel in love with him though...I just didn't want to get him in too deep when I still felt like I wasn't sure if we would last long.

 

I'm worried that I am looking for some type of 'perfect' man that doesn't exist....and that this ' this is right' feeling won't exist for me.

[Anonymous82]

I've worried about similar things before in terms of searching for an unrealistic "perfect" match... but with enough time, I've generally come to realize I made the right decision after past breakups. (I'm not there yet with my most recent relationship, but the fact that she hasn't made any attempt to discuss it or really reach out at all continues to solidify that as more and more time goes by.)

 

The bottom line is it's not fair to you or your partner to stay in a relationship that isn't working for you, whatever the reason (or lack of an expressible reason). If you weren't feeling it, and you tried to communicate about that and fix it (which it sounds like you did since he saw it coming) but couldn't, it seems like you probably did the right thing to end it. That doesn't mean it couldn't work out down the road, but it likely wouldn't have just magically resolved itself for you on its own.

 

I think you're wise to recognize it's very early right now and you can't trust how you feel right after breaking up with him. Hopefully you'll find clarity with time... It might happen a lot quicker than you'd even imagine.

 

Best wishes.

[Anonymous82]

Our first date – and first kiss – were three years ago today. It's kind of crazy to think about... It actually feels a lot longer ago than that.

 

I still love her and find myself missing her sometimes, but I'm thankful I can reflect back on it without feeling particularly sad or depressed. I never would've imagined I'd be at this point by now when I was going through the brutal beginning post-breakup stages.

 

The funny thing is I'm sure she doesn't realize it and wouldn't have remembered (without reminders from me) if we were still together. For our first dating anniversary, I had to remind her several times about it. For the second, we'd made plans to celebrate and I'd even taken the day off work, but she completely forgot and made other plans that night that didn't include me.

 

She didn't do any of this intentionally to hurt me; she just didn't care about stuff like that. There's nothing wrong with that at all, and plenty of other people are the same way... but I'm not one of those people, and those sorts of occasions ARE meaningful to me. The fact that they weren't to her is probably just another reminder of a significant incompatibility in terms of what we want out of a relationship.

 

The bottom line is I'm much happier and healthier (physically AND mentally) and in a much better place on what would've been our third dating anniversary than I was on our actual second dating anniversary. I had to make some tough decisions and go through some difficult, painful days and months, and I don't know what the future holds, but I think it's important to reflect from time to time on how far I've come.

 

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this little self-reflection.