Is it wrong to ask my friends to remove my ex from social media?

[IDer89]

So some of you may remember me from a month or so ago when dealing with the very early days of my break up with my ex girlfriend. We were together for almost three years, one year in the UK, two years in the US and when I had to return to the UK for visa reasons five weeks after being back she broke up with me.

 

Things are getting better, I don't feel as though my arm has been cut off but I do still get sad sometimes. We haven't spoken since the BU but are still connected on Facebook and Instagram. I'm debating whether to remove her going forward.

 

My ex hasn't done anything wrong to my face but I found out she had signed up to dating websites the day after breaking up with me. There has also been some fishy behaviour that isn't very nice which relates to her treatment of me. She appears to have completely removed me from her life, even though that is understandable.

 

A lot of her cousins and friends removed me on social media in an act of digital exile and even a friend I needed to speak to for work reasons flat out ignored me. We had a lot of mutual friends when we were in the UK due to our social circles, be it one friend was connected to another that knew one of us.

 

A couple of my girl friends that were close to me before I met my ex become friends with her during our relationship and I have seen a few of them "liking" or commenting on pictures etc.

 

It kind of hurts me as I'm meant to be their good friend yet in a way they are fraternising with the enemy. These girl friends would often comment on how suited myself and my ex were, how they were happy I found someone yet here they are still on good terms with someone that broke my heart.

 

I want to say to them "listen 'ex's name' hasn't been so nice to me and a lot of people close in her life aren't treating me so nicely either, I'd really appreciate it if you weren't so friendly with her whilst the wounds are so fresh" but obviously this makes me seem like a douche.

 

I kind of just feel her friends have all rallied round her in support where as mine don't seem to care about me?

 

(Just to note I only see what pops-up on my feed and don't go out of my way to look, I know I should delete her and be 100% NC. I am going to do that when ready so don't need comments advising me to do so)

[Batya33]

If you choose not to delete her then you choose the situation you described above. I'm not advising you to delete her but it is unfair to interfere with your friends' choice to keep her active on their social media.

[IDer89]

If you choose not to delete her then you choose the situation you described above.

 

She hasn't deleted me yet all of those closest in her life have cast me in to digital exile....they can't all have only put up with me just whilst I was with her so it must have come from her.

 

I'd just like some of my friends to do the same to her.....

 

Whether I delete her or not the fact is my friends still see her in the same light as when we together, which isn't who she is anymore. The only difference is I just wouldn't be aware of it.

[HeartGoesOn]

Whether I delete her or not the fact is my friends still see her in the same light as when we together, which isn't who she is anymore. The only difference is I just wouldn't be aware of it.

 

What do you have to gain by being aware of how she now sees you? Your friends are not required to take sides, nor are you required to participate in this type of nonsense.

[IDer89]

What do you have to gain by being aware of how she now sees you? Your friends are not required to take sides, nor are you required to participate in this type of nonsense.

 

By her friends and family removing me it makes me feel as though they were just putting up with me because I was with her. In a way I've not only lost one person, but a whole group of people I came to cherish.

 

I would like my friends to do the same to her because I want her to be aware that her behaviour and handling of the situation isn't right. It's difficult to explain without writing an essay but there has been a few fishy antics I've learnt of since the break up that just are plain rude.

 

We had a lot of history together and I even moved countries to be with her, it's just not right to cut someone out and then attempt to find a date the same week.

 

Anyway, is it right to explain to my friends how she has treated me and ask them to cut ties with her like her friends have done with me?

[lukeb]

Anyway, is it right to explain to my friends how she has treated me and ask them to cut ties with her like her friends have done with me?

 

No, I don't think it would be right to ask your friends to do that, let them make up their minds who they have on their media and you can make up yours... Kind of like you don't like to be advised to take your ex off of social media, you shouldn't be telling you friends either. It is actually kind of silly to ask your friends to remove her but that you wont.

[Clinton]

A lot of times after a breakup, you find out who your real friends are. If you and the ex can't be friends, over time, your friends will chose one or the other side. It happens a lot. Your guy friends will be more likely to come down on your side. Bros before Hoes.

 

Also, who cares if she's dating. It's over and what she does isn't your concern anymore. It won't do you any good to follow her life.

 

Hang in there and it will get better. It takes a lot of time to get over a significant relationship.

[HeartGoesOn]

Anyway, is it right to explain to my friends how she has treated me and ask them to cut ties with her like her friends have done with me?

 

No, leave your friends out of it, your relationship was between her and yourself. Asking your friends to cut ties with her is ridiculous and immature.

 

When all is said and done, you'll never regret being the bigger person.

[shellyf62]

It is actually kind of silly to ask your friends to remove her but that you wont.

 

Exactly what I was thinking. Why should they remove her if you haven't? Seems a bit ridiculous.

 

If you want to keep torturing yourself by reading her posts & seeing which of your friends like them then that is your prerogative. I would block her & move on.....that is a lot healthier alternative.

[IDer89]

It is actually kind of silly to ask your friends to remove her but that you wont.

 

Exactly what I was thinking. Why should they remove her if you haven't? Seems a bit ridiculous.

 

If you want to keep torturing yourself by reading her posts & seeing which of your friends like them then that is your prerogative. I would block her & move on.....that is a lot healthier alternative.

 

Maybe removing her is a bit extreme but perhaps not "liking" or commenting on her posts is what would be better. It's like her friends have said "hey you aren't in our lives anymore so we're not interested in what you do" so I'd kind of like my friends to do the same to her.

 

The thing is I haven't told the ones that are doing the "liking" some of the things my ex has done since we broke up or the bad behaviour so part of me wants to address the issue and let them know whats gone on.

 

Like I said in the first post I am NOT going out of my way to read her posts or to look at them. It is merely when it pops up on one of my news feeds.

[mhowe]

Please do not ask or tell you friends to limit/change or modify their social media because you broke up with your gf. It would be viewed as immature, childish and petty. Life exists outside of FB

[Iggles]

By her friends and family removing me it makes me feel as though they were just putting up with me because I was with her. In a way I've not only lost one person, but a whole group of people I came to cherish.

 

I understand where you're coming from. You're not wrong to feel this way.

 

 

A lot of times after a breakup, you find out who your real friends are. If you and the ex can't be friends, over time, your friends will chose one or the other side. It happens a lot.

 

Unfortunate but true.

 

OP, I didn't ask my friends to delete my Ex. We went to college together so we shared a number of mutual friends. However, over time all my close friends remained in my life and not so much in his.

 

 

Anyway, is it right to explain to my friends how she has treated me and ask them to cut ties with her like her friends have done with me?

 

Yes. It's not polite to ask them to cut someone out of their lives.

 

That said, there's nothing wrong speaking with your close friends and telling them that this bothers you.

[shellyf62]

Maybe removing her is a bit extreme but perhaps not "liking" or commenting on her posts is what would be better. It's like her friends have said "hey you aren't in our lives anymore so we're not interested in what you do" so I'd kind of like my friends to do the same to her.

 

The thing is I haven't told the ones that are doing the "liking" some of the things my ex has done since we broke up or the bad behaviour so part of me wants to address the issue and let them know whats gone on.

 

Like I said in the first post I am NOT going out of my way to read her posts or to look at them. It is merely when it pops up on one of my news feeds.

 

 

I'm sorry but an ex is an ex for a reason.

It is still upsetting you whether you are looking for the posts or they just "pop up".

I understand you want your friends to dislike her as much as you do, and not to like her posts on FB.

My Ex cheated on me & I had to raise 2 small children alone. I have blocked him on everything, but my Sister still has him on her FB. She knows everything that happened, and I have asked her why she has him on there . She gave me some vague answer.

I cant force her to delete him, and I don't get upset about it, I just don't think about it.

 

You either have to accept that your friends have a right to have her on their FB and move on, or you block her & you have no more sightings of her. Your choice.

[superfan]

I agree that it isn't fair to ask others to delete your ex. If you don't want to see her posts pop up on your news feed and aren't ready to unfriend her, you can simply unfollow her. Her posts won't show up on your feed that way and you haven't unfriended her.

[IDer89]

I agree that it isn't fair to ask others to delete your ex. If you don't want to see her posts pop up on your news feed and aren't ready to unfriend her, you can simply unfollow her. Her posts won't show up on your feed that way and you haven't unfriended her.

 

I kind of knew this thread would turn in to something like this and I'd get this sort of advice.......

 

I'm really not bothered by seeing her posts or about what she's up to. Like I said I'm sad we broke up but do not feel as though my limb has been cut off.

 

What I am sad/annoyed at is that her friends/closest to her have in fact deleted me and cast me in to digital exile as though I did something wrong to her (I didn't)

 

Whereas my friends still seem to be quite friendly with her as though nothing had happened. A lot of them don't know some of the things that she's done which aren't very nice which is why I'd like to inform them whilst also letting them know it does bother me that whilst the wounds are a little fresh they're interacting with her.

[mhowe]

Since neither of you did anything wrong to the other, why should your friends have to delete her?

 

You are making this a contest of my friends/family vs her friends/family. No one but you really cares that much. And it is FB.

 

You aren't bothered by her posts --- but you are bothered that your friends push a "like" button on something she does?????

That doesn't make sense.

 

You don't need to air her "things that aren't very nice". Everyone knows you have broken up. The details are nobodys business.

 

In addition --- you and your family are in the UK. And she and her family are in the US. The chances of being in human contact

with her friends/family is nil.

[IDer89]

There are a couple of things that she has done wrong that are too complicated to go in to here, but my friends will know about. This isn't the first time she has cut someone out of her life and not been too kind about it.

 

It's not a contest but to someone of my age social media is the modern day equivalent of going to church, a coffee shop, a bowling alley, whatever. It's like I'm walking in to one of those places and going up to her friends and family who before the break up embraced me with open arms and invited me to sit down with them. Now they have shunned me and cast me to a corner of the room to sit alone. Where as she is walking to a group of my friends and they are acting as though nothing ever happen.

[mhowe]

I understand social media --- however, since you see it as the equivalent of going to church, etc. --- then the fact that you are on two different continents

makes it even more likely that your friends would keep FB status open to look at things in the USA.

 

You are more upset about your "social exile" than you are about the break up. Which I think is just displaced anger at your ex.

 

And this "interaction" of your friends with her friends and family is nothing more than making a mouse click. They are not socializing, they are not seeing each

other, they are not making plans to meet up and leaving you sitting alone.

 

They are sitting at their computer or on their phone and clicking "like".

 

And for future reference, most of the time --- your ex's friends/family will "shun" you after a break up. That your friends are not --- just means they are not

editing their FB after someone in the circle has a break up.

[CeeLambrini]

Do you realise how much you look like the bigger person right now? Even if your intentions aren't that, your 'public image' is that you care so little that you haven't lowered yourself to her level and asked your friends to delete her. If this is all about perception for you - which it is when Facebook is involved - the message you are sending is that you don't love, nor hate her enough to actually go out of your way to get people to dislike her. Trust me, I'm in PR.

[bulletproof]

 

Now they have shunned me and cast me to a corner of the room to sit alone. Where as she is walking to a group of my friends and they are acting as though nothing ever happen.

 

That says nothing about you, and everything about the type of friends/family you have vs. the type of friends/family she has. While I certainly understand the importance of social media to certain age groups, you have the choice of whether it's going to matter or not.

 

I think it's completely inappropriate for you to try to control who anyone is friends with on fb or in real life. If one of my friends told me to unfriend someone, I'd tell them absolutely not.

 

As far as her "fishy" acts post-breakup; it doesn't matter. It's over.