Creating interest and tension when you are introverted

[abysmal]

I'm looking for input, suggestions, ideas etc. on ways a shy, quiet guy such as myself can build interest once an acquaintance or rapport is established.

 

I've been told once again by yet another girl I've been seeing that I am not good enough ("I don't have feelings for you, I'm sorry the feeling isn't mutual").

 

I believe I have narrowed it down as to why I keep failing. If it has nothing to do with my physical appearance, it is probably because I do not initiate kissing or make any physical advances whatsoever for a very long time after I meet a girl. I do not flirt or expose my sexuality/romantic interest because I have a severe self-esteem issue relating to not feeling physically attractive. I don't know how to be comfortable in my own skin. So I do not show any interest in a woman in any subtle nor obvious manner because I don't feel handsome AND because I don't want to come accross as a "player" "pig" or someone who's interested in only the physical... because while I worry about my looks, I'll give most women a chance if they'd be willing to take initiative. Not a single girl has shown interest though, unless I'm completely oblivious. And my shy demeanor doesn't help.

 

What I'm looking for (and would greatly appreciate) are ways to express romantic interest early on before the window of opportunity closes, and being comfortable with being slightly more romantically and sexually aggressive. To let go of the worry of not being attractive enough as well. Obviously being the nice guy who patiently waits on the woman is NOT working.

 

Would appreciate your perspective very much so!

[sonicfan287]

I'm probably going to come off as quite hypocritical, abysmal, especially since I'm nearly your age (just a little older) and have a similar mindset but honestly, the first thing you're doing wrong (and I hate to say 'wrong' because it's not really a 'game' or a 'test') is all the overthinking. The "is it me? what am i doing wrong?" and all that. Whether you're good at hiding that or not is irrelevant, you need to get those questions out of your mind. Stop obsessing with "what should I change?" or how should I act? I know that myself as a shy guy am tired of feeling penalizing just for being a shy guy and not an aggressive alpha male ... HOWEVER, years have helped me realize that is not the case. It is only my perception of women and society causing that. Shy guys aren't at a disadvantage unless they put themselves at a disadvantage, so stop thinking about how "shy" you may or may not be and putting pressure on yourself to be something you're not.

 

I'm not saying there's absolutely nothing wrong, you're a perfect person etc. but the worst thing you can do (trust me) is run through a list of things you should 'change' about yourself because you feel pressured by yourself or external forces to do so. You need to be comfortable with who you are, that's the key. I'm getting there and so can you. It takes time and a lot of "mind training" but it does happen. I haven't gotten a girlfriend yet (although I've had a few) but I'm getting more comfortable talking to both guys and gals I'm meeting for the first time, so it's a step in the right direction. The more comfortable you are around people, the more likely they are to see you at your highest points, your happiest and most comfortable moments and that's what will generate a genuine attraction. Then, if you're feeling extra confident and a woman is giving you a 'signal' to make a move, feel free to, but don't focus on being needlessly aggressive

[Claritee]

Hi abysmal,

 

I'm an introverted and shy 25 year old female whose experienced a lot of the same feelings as you: insecurity over physical appearance, insecurity over being too quiet and not confident enough. In essence, you're not alone. We live in this seemingly extroverted world where being outgoing, energetic, super funny, and confident is the only way to instantly attract a mate. Feeling this pressure, I've personally tried to change myself into an extrovert, but I couldn't keep it going. I realized I had to do things my own way, and according to what made me feel most happy and comfortable.

 

To address what you said in your post about wanting to be able to show your affection more readily, I must warn you, there is a fine line to this. I can only give my perspective on this, but a guy that is too sexually eager right off the bat sends up red flags in my mind. It would make me think that all he's interested in is sex, and not getting to getting to know me. Then again, if a guy doesn't make a move (a kiss on the cheek or a peck on the lips) after a few dates or so, I would begin to think he is not romantically interested in me. In short, I think a good time to initiate a kiss is after the 3rd or 4th date. And if you're shy about doing it, or don't know how to without being awkward, just ask her. At the end of a good date, just before you both say goodbye, say something like, "Could I give you a kiss goodnight?" I've had two guys ask me that and I loved it. It shows consideration for how she feels, and her response will likely tell you whether she's romantically into you or not.

 

Other suggestions on how to show your feelings of interest (without being too overpowering):

Remember what she likes - if she tells you her favorite meal, favorite type of tea, favorite hobby, or favorite hangout, REMEMBER IT and use it to ask her on a date. For example, "Want to go get a strawberry smoothie and listen to Depeche Mode records?" This move, when it was done on me blew me away and made the guy stand out in my mind. It shows the girl that you are really listening to her when she talks, and that you care about making her happy. It made me feel very special and cared for, ultimately increasing my attraction.

 

I hope some of this helps, and I wish you the best

[notalady]

As a female who had gone on plenty of dates, shy and otherwise, I agree with this 100%. Shyness isn't a disadvantage, lack of confidence is.

 

If a girl agrees to go on three or more dates with you, she's likely interested. Try going for handholding at least, on the third or fourth date. Maybe when you are walking side by side. Or try to kiss her if you are sitting/standing next to each other. Try creating opportunities that these things can happen naturally.

[Sportster2005]

I wish men would stop thinking like this. We're supposed to chase women, flirt, show interest. Unless you're drooling over their boobs or trying cop a feel you are not being a pig. If the woman is not interested you will know. Doesn't make you anything other than a man expressing interest. You win some you lose some. And believe it or not a few rejections will build your confidence. You'll learn the world doesn't stop because a woman accross the room doesn't return your eye contact. Sooner or later you have to take off the water wings and jump in the deep end. There is no other way. your confidence will come.

[sonicfan287]

Yes, abysmal. Sportster2005 has some very good points (and you've gotten to see the female perspective as well on a couple of posts) and what it truly does come down to is that YOU need to do it. There WILL be rejection but there will also be acceptance. I don't know about other shy guys (or women for that matter) but I do feel I take the rejections exponentially more personally than the few successes I have. Maybe it's just human nature but if I'm rejected, it does hurt a lot more than the momentary joy of not being rejected (or even just getting a date). That's probably why you feel yourself feeling so nervous but at a certain point, I just felt joy in having tried.

 

I went out with a guy friend of mine a while back (who was dating a gal friend of mine, both of them were trying to help me out) and he was trying to give me confidence to talk to this girl at a bar. I wasn't interested in her per se but then again, I didn't know her yet so the goal was just to say hello, maybe break the ice by asking to buy her a drink, ask why she's there etc. and it gave me such anxiety. Finally, this guy (who couldn't be much more different than me in many ways. He was very confident, had been with plenty of girls, and knew how to talk to them and what to say and how to say it) finally said "it's all up to you, I can't tell you what to do, you just gotta do it" and they left me alone (for the purpose of talking to this woman alone) and I went up to her.

 

Yes, it was awkward, we talked for a little bit, it didn't really go anywhere and actually, she asked if I wanted to smoke pot with her and some of her friends but I don't smoke so that's when I politely exited the conversation. My friends said I "chickened out" but she really wasn't for me and she didn't even seem romantically into me... maybe sexually but not in a meaningful way so I'm glad I got out when I did. The point is, even though that didn't go where I wanted it to, it proved to me that I could approach a strange woman and make some conversation. Yeah, I wasn't my "ideal self" but I said words and it went okay. She didn't smack me, didn't get weirded out or anything. I've done this a couple other times and have gotten some weird looks and "no"'s and while it was embarrassing, I focused on the part that I had accomplished something.

 

Also, I'm glad I'm not the only one who waited until their 3rd or 4th date to go for the kiss or hand holding. I went very slow with my last girlfriend, to the point where my friends thought we weren't even dating but by our 5th date, we were kissing but I was so shy before that, even though it was clear she liked me. We were both very young too (I was 20, she was 18) so it happens. It all goes back to not being hard on yourself and just going for it

[Ms Darcy]

Your best advice is to be confident. That's it. Be confident. It's not the end all be all but it's a great start. If you are confident and know how to exude it - without cockiness - that can help attract women who are dating you TO YOU even further.

 

I'd suggest you read and consider this thread too:

[drlady]

I also have major self-esteem issues with regard to my appearance. But, being an introvert lends us the advantage of observation. I would never have guessed my BF was interested in me had I not sat quietly and watched his body language. Read up on female body language and study the women around you the next time you go out. My now-BF paid me no special attention when we were out with a group - except in the realm of body language. Every time he said something funny, he turned to glance at me to make sure I was laughing. He hung on my words even when I wasn't speaking to him. I was careful to reciprocate gestures to check that I had it right. And you know what? It worked. And there was no scary putting myself out there until I had spent an evening catching him repeatedly turning to look at me from accross a crowded room. Having a bolder friend helps too. I was too nervous to approach him - a necessity since he's utterly terrified to approach women despite being an extrovert - so my very bold friend yelled at me until I gave up and went to sit next to him. This sounds harsh, but it helped me a ton. Had it backfired, she'd have helped me laugh it off.

 

So keep going out with your confident friend. Maybe try approaching a woman you are somewhat acquainted with already. Read up on body language and use that as a guide. It's an enormous confidence booster when you're getting clear non-verbal signals. Use your strengths as an introvert to your advantage. Here's to nerd love.