bare with me - its a bumpy ride

[billjackson]

Where do i start - its been a full week of no contact with " MELODY "

 

We met online - everything seemed normal, we would chat for a week before our first date.. Ill itemize the journey in months. ( we lasted 4 months)

 

Month 1.

We would see each other 4 times a week, go out for dinner hang out and generally be together all weekend. Would get the typical, " good morning baby, good night baby"

for the first month everything seemed fine, she was attentive, talked about the future, and seemed as if she idolized me.

6 weeks into the relationship, i traveled over seas for 18 days.. during the 18 days she would always text me daily and ask me to call her via skype so we could talk. She works for a pretty large company; which she brands a boys club. While i was over seas, she would say how much she misses me, and how much she wants me back in town; and how i should never take a vacation longer than a week cause she misses me so much. I thought it was sweet... One night, during our skype calls, she told me she went out with her " mentor " and her boss for work drinks and dinner..

I would ask the typical questions, " what did you have, did you drink, how come you have a mentor? ( he father passed away 4 years ago from cancer- side note ), She got annoyed at all the questions, and said " i feel as if you bombard me with questions" I laughed it off, and said sorry babe, i just miss you . While i was away, she also made plans with my sis, and mom to go out for coffee with herself and her mom. didnt think this was strange, thought " wow, she really likes me"

 

Month 2

I get back to town, and she picks me up from the airport, everything seems fine.

date night - we go for ice cream - some girl comes up to her, and says something.

I ask her " oh what did the girl say to you"

She looses it " can you wait till i tell you before you ask me what she said?" She freaks out and was like you need to stop asking me questions, why do you always bombard me with so many questions" I apologized, and she seemed ok.

I go to drop her off at her house; and i made the mistake of speaking english, instead of greeting her mom with out native tongue ( arabic ).. i say goodbye and go home - when i get home, she has me have it " when you come to my house and speak to my mom you must speak arabic - i say sorry and go on.

We go camping the following weekend, and like a good bf , i tried doing everything for her ." do you need more water, food, can i top off you wine " she replies " can you just do you and ill take care of my self."

next night - i was like " hey have you told coworkers you have a bf" she was like, " no, its a boys club there, and if i tell them; they will treat me differently" - i shrug it off

 

Next date night, I pick her up - ask about her day, how it was etc.. she replies " OMG can you just not ask me so many questions, why can you let the conversation evolve without you asking me 21 questions " i say sorry and we go out to dinner .

While we where at dinner, she kept answering texts all night.. i didnt care. say good night she goes home.

Next day, typica " good morning babe" etc... Following weekend, i get invited to her house to watch a soccer match.. while where watching the soccer match, she was too busy replying to texts.

I ask her " who are you texting " she is like no one dont worry"

I took a sneak peak at her screen and saw it was some guy name "BB" - later that night she had me have cause she said i was acting fake in her house and seemed as if i was someone else. At this point, her attitude changes from sweet to constantly annoyed. I later find out BB is her BOSS at work, and which they are really tight .. i ask her about it, and she says he my friend and is helping me with my career" after this talk, the 4 following dates seemed as if she didnt care - she wouldnt smile when oi picked her up, and always seemed as if something was bothering her.. i ask her whats wrong, and she was like " nothing just like being quiet " i shrug it off.

 

Month 3

typical good morning texts :

i ask to take her and her lil sis out for dinner - she agrees. the whole time at dinner, she was short with mean would say much.

I ask about one of her many older guys friends, and which she replies, "omg, why must you ask, why cant you wait till i tell you via natural conversation"

I was like, just wanted to know if these older men are filling a void in your life" she was like no, just calm down.. she got mad and was like, " i never had this issue with any of my bf's"

but she forgot about the fact that on our first date, her ex dumped cause of the amount of attention she had with older male coworkers.

One night, i go over to her house to have dinner with her mother and sis - and the idea of getting her lil sis a summer job was the topic of conversation.

I commented " hey if lil sis needs some cash, i can get her some part time work at my office" her mother was pleased....

the next day she let me have it over breakfast " dont ever get involved with my sis - she is my responsibility and if i need help ill ask"

following weekend i go out with her best friend and her BF - we have dinner. and her bestie kept calling her "mel" short for melody.. i followed suite and called her " mel "

boy was that a bad move - she let me have it the next day " dont ever all me "mel" my name is Melody, and only my bestie calls me "mel" - dumb founded.. i start feeling insecure. she tells me i get anxious whenever she goes out, and im like no, i just miss you and act alike bf.

she then said i may have abandonment issues, and i should she the specialist she is seeing - im in love at this point, and was like okay ill give it a shot.

next night we go out with my brother and her for drinks, and she mentions to my bro she was at this local shopping district in town - i was like " oh you wehre there?, nice for what"

she was like " i dont need to tell you every detail of my life" few dates and calls later, she kept telling me not to keep aswking questions " how are you, how was your day, where did you go" she was like stop it, its so annoying, i was like " okay just trying to have a conversation.." she was like, "why cant you be an sometimes with me?" - i was like, " cause im not an , and i want to treat you good"

 

keep in my this whole month, when ever we go out she was always getting text from BB , weekends nights etc...

Now its her turn to go over sees' and before she leaves, she was like " i feel like this relationship is holding on to a thin line" i was dumb founded - she was like, we need this relationship still hasnt gotten to the level of partnership, and i need you to get there asap with help of the specialist. I finally ask her who BB is, and she is like he is the GM at work, and he helps me with work etc...

 

she flies out to over seas - now this time around, she is there for three weeks, and i didnt get the same level of contact from her , as i showed her when i was over seas.

She would only call me, if i requested it, and only called me twice the whole time, where as i called her everynight - which she seems she loved.

 

Month 4

she comes back from over seas - and hits the fan ( when i pick her up she was like " oh iwas talking to BB about this and that. .( im thinking why you text him alot.)- i see a message from BB saying " you must be exhausted did you nap" - at this point i still to feel very insecure about her constant contact with BB - she tells me i have nothing to worry about and that he is helping me for work, and to continue telling her if i ever feel uncomfortable about any other man. things go good for some days, before she has to leave to atlanta for work with her boss and team mates.. before she leaves, we have an epic night of sex - i joked about the fact all the old geezers are going to hit on her . " which she replies " there not old, theyre mature" i get heated and keep quit - she turns to me and says " babe you now i love you, or the only one for me..." i was aloof, and didnt respond which she called me an - later on in bed, i was like you dont need to reassure me, i know im the one for you ( i said this because of her comments about us in the future ) i tell her i love her back, and say " since we love each other i can tell you something that makes me uncomfortable " i feel really uncomfortable with the level of contact you and BB have" she was like who care, he is my friend and you also have female coworkers.. i was like " yeah but they dont contact me all the time, off hours or on weekends" she brushed it off...

Im drinvig her home at 1 am, and she takes out her phone and replies to BB - to his last message of " i wont bother you " she replied to him at 1am."

pissed off, i didnt say anything, as the next day im dropping her off at the airport for her work trip to atlanta. While i drop her off she texts BB saying she is on her way, which was a reply to his " have a safe flight" I rush home and use my google skills to find out about BB

 

BB = 45 year old, fat divorced GM.. im like okay.. odd..

I go and see the specialist and he was like " yeah its weird and he is crossing the line" you should bring it up.

While she was in atlanta, i didnt get a good night, or anything unless i texted first... so one night, i was drunk and texted her " you seem to be having too much fun out there lol -

she replied, ok goodnight.. which i took as if she was upset... so i sent her 4 messages about how sorry i was, and i just miss her and didnt mean anything by it.

next day she calls me from atlanta - ans says " if you miss someone you dont make comments like that" i swallowed my pride and said sorry. While she was in atlanta, she woulndt say goodnight or anything until i initiated it. the next day she messages me and i think , great she can talk.. i ask about our plans for the following weekend, and i get one word answers - so i ask "whats up with the one word answers" she flips and says u know im busy, why cant i just say and or no to your message - was like sorry didnt know you where busy.. i wont take ur time, talk soon"

she replies " yeah we need to talk " i was like, talk? aboiut what, everything ok..

she freaks " why cant i say we need to talk without you thinking its the end of the world, if it was something bad i would tell you"

i apologize and she then says she will take a cab from the airport no need to pick her up.

 

she lands back in town, and says good night babe...

the next day (break up day ) i called her, im like i miss you babe, she replies " i dont miss you at all, i wish i was still in atlanta, no drama go with the flow"

i was heart broken.. we go to the beach and she was all cold, and i was like " what do i have to do for you to be nice to me again" she replies " ur needy"

 

we go to dinner to talk, and she doesnt like the venue i picked/

 

- she then starts walking slow,

- i ask why you walking so slow

-she freaks out, " why do you have to comment on eerything, i feel so drained."

-she gets in her car, i follow to the park - i call her, she doesnt answer - i pull up next to her, and asked " why didnt she answer" ( car auto sync mobile to bluetooth)

- she reponds i dint ing hear it!

 

we park our cars i get in her car

- she was like why do you act like this?

- i was like, you act as if youre better than me

- she replies, i thought you liked that

- i then say, i feel like this cause you make me feel insecure, you text BB all the time, ayou even text him at 1am and 5 am when i was driving you to the airport - im not jealous or trying to control you , but its just so odd.

-she replies " yelling at the top of her lunngs " he is my friend!!! why do you keep looking at my phone

- i was like, well your in the passenger seat in the car and text, i look over and see its BB

- i then say i say the speicalist for her so i can be who she wants,

-she freaks - says youre doing it for you not me!

 

we finally get to the park and she was like "im done, i have a whole in my heart and you cant fill it, i cant rely on you, i need someone like my father, i need to feel like the girl in the relationship-/..

 

im broken at this point and ask, " you said you loved me"

-she replies, " i only said that cause its what you wanted to hear - lets end this now so it doesnt end in divorce in 4 years"

- i told her i can be that man, and she said no.. you cant.

- told her she will miss out on a lot with me, - she paused and said " well once you work on yourself and me on my self we maybe can work..

- i was like, ill probably meet someone else, and so will you.

- i then asked her if she wants me to stop contacting her _ she said yes.. i was so broken, i told her " stop acting aloof like a gangster" she didnt like that got in her car and left.

havent spoken to her since.

 

 

went and saw another shrink, as i thought it was odd she wanted me to see her specialist only 2 months into a relation.

 

told shrink the above -

 

shrink notes:

- she is mad her dad passed

- sees BB as a father figure

- BB maybe crossing the line

- she has no compassion

 

 

 

 

 

was it my fault for all the questions, and asking her why she is so chumpy with BB - or is the void a longing for her dad?

 

 

she always deflecting that i was the issue, that i need help, that i need to talk a certain way-

she flipped flopped about loving me, having kids.. and always using the word pressure when i did something nice.

[mhowe]

I think you are basically not compatible. And it is best to have ended it before it went further.

[billjackson]

the thing is - i would let her be, give her space - and mirror her actions of when i was away.

[mhowe]

You are not capable of "letting her be". You seem needy, intrusive and have a significant need to be needed.

[billjackson]

so youre saying it was my fault?

- you dont find it odd she would text her boss all the time, nights and weekends?

- i am capable of letting her be; i havent contacted her in any way since the break up

[mhowe]

I didn't say it was your fault. I said you are incompatible.

 

She can text who she wants, when she wants. And I think she finds BB more in tune to her than you are.

 

PS> since you have broken up, you aren't supposed to be contacting her.

[billjackson]

She can text who she wants, when she wants. And I think she finds BB more in tune to her than you are.

- well, i stopped texting my friends whom where girls, cause she got jealous, and asked for their number when i would introduce them.

 

All i was asking was for her to do the same, as what she asked of me... she didnt even care to compromise that.

i understand we weren't compatible - she made it seem we where; talked about the future, buying a house.

 

her own friends even told me, she has a short temper, yells at her mom etc...

guess im just heart broken of what could have been.

 

i feel like total trash - never acted this way with any other gf. she just brought it out of me.... always on her phone when we where together.

 

do you think there is a chance she will make contact? or has that ship sailed?

[mhowe]

Ship has sailed.

 

Talking about buying a house, etc in 4 months is way too soon.

 

She brought it out --- because it was in there. You haven't shown this before, because you were more secure in those relationships.

 

Again --- not compatible.

[pfbsurf]

so youre saying it was my fault?

- you dont find it odd she would text her boss all the time, nights and weekends?

- i am capable of letting her be; i havent contacted her in any way since the break up

 

 

Yes it is your fault. Sorry dude. But you lost her interest fairly early on. I'll explain. (btw, she has plenty of issues i'm sure, and you probably aren't compatible, but you can't blame this on her..)

 

 

1) You spent WAAAAY too much time together month 1. 4 nights a week and weekends?

 

You have to have some mystery, you have to provide some challenge. This is not game playing, its developing attraction by being busy (not pretending to be busy). 1 day a week is enough month one, maybe 2 once in a while.

 

As the kids say, Slow your roll. Why rush?

 

2) You were way too needy and possessive. Why shouldn't she be in touch with her boss like that? Is it appropriate behavior? Who knows, probably not. Is it any of your business? No. If you didn't like it, tell her so and walk. This is what she was getting at when she said she wants to be the woman in the relationship. No offense, but it is "unmanly" passive aggressive behavior to put up with something that you really don't like just to be with someone...

Did you sit down with her and have a talk about being exclusive? (which, btw, shouldn't happen for a few months in my opinion)

 

It was all downhill from there - no way to salvage probably starting month 2. Read Doc Love online about interest level. She had high interest level early, then it dropped off the cliff. Once that happens, its just a matter of time.

 

And the way it ended, sounds very, very final. Doesn't sound like she is conflicted. So complete NC - blocking her number and moving on, really is the best way to go. Learn from this.

 

What is the lesson?

 

Take is slow next time.

 

Don't be so compliant and pleasing. Really. This isn't the nice guy/jerk argument, it is just a fact that a lot of women don't like it when guys cater to their every whim.

 

Go full NC, read up on this stuff online. There are hundreds of books and websites on this subject. And if it makes you feel any better - i have made all these mistakes as well.

 

 

Full no contact. OK?

[billjackson]

thanks for the comments all -

- to add, when ever she was around my friends and family, she would always demean me and criticize lil things about me.

i understand i wasnt a challenge, but i was following her lead - she would be the one talking about kids, house etc... i honestly feel as if she lead me on.

 

the fact she said " she needs someone like her father, made me think" how can someone replace her father.

 

im going full NC - though, i thought about sending her a email explaining my faults... but i guess that wont help at all.

[mhowe]

She is very clear on your faults. No need to send her an explanation.

 

She was interested in you the first month --- after that, it was downhill all the way.

 

And your two shrinks --- who pointed out her actions/inactions.....not appropropriate at all. They should have been helping you with your insecurities.

 

Her comment about her father ---- wasn't that she wanted a father figure, but a man similar in traits to her father. Like...not needy.

[billjackson]

ah man, this sucks! i ruined something that would have been great in the end.

[pfbsurf]

ah man, this sucks! i ruined something that would have been great in the end.

 

Nope. in a little while you'll see that it would not have worked out anyway...

 

Under NO circumstances send her a letter or email or text or whatver. Wipe her completely from your life.

 

You need to work on your self esteem. Took me a while to figure some of this stuff out, and I still have a long way to go, but really, self study on this stuff and staying away from other women for a little while will do wonders for you.

 

good luck

[missmarple]

Consider yourself lucky you've broken up. To me, she sounds like a real B. Oh, and I'd bet she's been sleeping with her boss/friend.

[billjackson]

her boss, is just disgusting looking - fat, old and divorced.. i doubt she would sleep with him, but if she did.. its her problem.

[Longview01]

So much happened in 4 months, it took my wife 8 years to get me to marry her/have kids/live together lol