Ramblings of a depressed girl..

[Wildflower88]

I don’t know if I posted this in the correct place, but I just need to get this off of my chest, while in the presence of those who feel similar to me.

 

The last two weeks of my life have been some of the hardest, for no other reason than the inner ramblings of my mind. I’ve gone to sleep and been awakened with the thoughts of ending my life. I’ve stopped seeing the sunlight as a good thing. I feel down, worthless, ugly and completely ridiculous. I’ve barely spent time with my child, I haven’t cleaned my house in a week, and one day, I laid in bed and barely moved. (I work from home, so I’m not forced to get up, get dressed or get out of the house) I can almost feel myself falling and I just don’t know how to stop, I can feel my eyes getting tired and I just can’t seem to lift my head up enough to face the day.

 

While washing dishes, I saw a butcher knife and my first thought was that I could use it to end this pain, but I put it down. How could I do such a thing, while my 3 year old sits in the livingroom watch Toy Story.. I feel so out of control..

 

I don’t know how this happened, it just hit me suddenly, like a slap to the face. I’ve done drastic things, deactivated and reactivated facebook, posted things to indicate how I feel, then immediately deleted them. I’ve found myself disgusted even looking at my pictures, so I deleted every photo of me on social media. I can’t even stand my reflection.

 

I somewhat feel better after posting this, and your feedback is welcome. I’ve been on this forum and sent encouraging words to others in their times of need, and I’ve received encouraging words a few years ago during a horrific break up, so I couldn’t think of a better place to go and share my emotional struggles.

 

I appreciate all who read this, and know where I’m coming from.

[ChiBrunette]

Kudos to you for having the strength and insight to realize that someone elses happiness depends on you (:

 

I'm not often one to push meds...but sometimes, better living through chemistry. ya know?

Anti depressants can work wonders...especially when youre in such a tight place where even getting up and out is a task.

 

First id advise call your dr, ask about anti depressants.

Second, Treat yourself. Take a bubble bath, get your nails done, give yourself a facial - do things that make you feel good about yourself.

 

Force yourself to find a positive in the reflection. Maybe your hair rocks today and tomorrow your smile is radiant... find those things, and hold onto them.

 

Hug your three year old. I hug my 6 year old son all the time as a quick pick me up.

 

Force yourself to get outside for a walk, force yourself to engage with life. Its hard - i know. ive been there.. but with a little pushing and pulling, some self nagging - you'll get through.

 

hang in there!!

[Wildflower88]

Thank you for your response. I hope to have insurance in January, so I'm counting on being able to go to the Dr and take care of myself properly. I've just got to survive these next few months.

[safenow]

To some extent I have felt like this. Self help books helped to calm me and just going out for a walk. You don't need to be fake and smile at everyone, just be open and honest about how you feel. There are some good people out there and they come in all shapes and sizes.