Facing reality

[Livingreal]

I have recently come out of a toxic relationship and have spent the past four months in a lot of pain and sorrow.

 

I have slowly come to the realization that I was not as “innocent” as what I thought. Back then I was full of blame and anger towards my Ex. I was the “victim”!

 

From my perspective, the core issue of the relationship was dishonesty. I fought tooth and nail for honesty. My Ex was dishonest and consistently showed me he lacked integrity. I wanted him to learn the importance of honesty. Meanwhile, I was lying to myself that he would eventually get it and we would have the perfect relationship. Not only was I emotionally immature in “wishing” for this, I was also emotionally immature in how I related.

 

This relationship has forced me to open my eyes to how I am in relationships. In opening my eyes to myself, I’m not excusing him, however blame is gone and forgiveness is growing. It feels like I have a long road ahead in changing and perfecting relationship skills.

 

Part of my suffering has been taking a good hard look at my warts. It hasn’t been easy shifting from being the “victim” to taking responsibility. I believe part of the anxiety I’ve had, has been refusing to look at my role in the toxicity of the relationship.

 

I’m still grappling with how this knowledge may have changed the outcome of the relationship and why I’m still unable to fully let go.

 

Regardless, I needed this heartbreak to learn about love, relationships and myself. I’m grateful for this learning, though still heartbroken that I had to learn these hard lessons with the person I consider as the love of my life.

 

Thanks for reading.

[t1lersm0m1]

Congrats on your epiphany. I experienced the same things as you. My ex husband was selfish, immature, and lied about EVERYTHING. I kept hoping he would "grow up" and just get it. I stayed in an unhappy relationship and marriage for a LONG LONG time. I was awful to him, because I hated him. I wanted him to change. Like you, I now look back on the relationship and although I still harbor resentment because we have a son together he doesn't support, I have realized his treatment of me wasn't personal, it was who he is.

[lukeb]

Ultimately the only person you have control over is yourself. Happiness, or relative happiness has to depend on a balance between control and responsibility, and it is really that simple. If you have more control you can take more responsibility. Some have a lot more control than they realize but don't want to take responsibility, some have a lot less control and feel they are somehow more responsible. I'm not especially religious but I am a big fan of the serenity prayer:

 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

 

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Good luck to you both.

[Livingreal]

Thank you, T1lersm0m1. I'm sorry you experienced something similar and that he is not supporting your son. It's hard not to take it personally. I'm reaching a place of compassion. It must be horrible to feel the need to lie and pretend to feel loveable. We all want to be loved.

[t1lersm0m1]

Thanks, I finally got tired of his empty promises to start paying support again and took him to court. So starting next Friday I will begin getting his share of the money to support our son.

 

Thank you, T1lersm0m1. I'm sorry you experienced something similar and that he is not supporting your son. It's hard not to take it personally. I'm reaching a place of compassion. It must be horrible to feel the need to lie and pretend to feel loveable. We all want to be loved.

[Livingreal]

Thanks, Luke. There is a lot of wisdom in that prayer. I need to think about happiness being the balance of control and responsibility. I think there's a need for a lot of skills to navigate relationships. You are 100% correct about only being able to control yourself.

[Cheetarah]

There was a lot of immaturity in my relationship with my ex. I also hated things about him and instead of radically accepting that this is who he was and it wasn't my job or business trying to change him, I stuck around being angry and resentful about it, or I would play down my feelings and say it wasn't as bad/unacceptable as I was making it out to be, drawing out a relationship that really had no business ever happening to begin with(hindsight). I essentially took away my own choices. I always had a choice, but my mentality was as such that I didn't think I did. That made me feel powerless. And powerless feelings lead to anger. Some things are out of our control but there are many that aren't.

 

Taking personal responsibility is not about assigning blame rather than it is empowering yourself and bringing back the option of choices back to the table. Even when you are in a situation where it seems you have none, and you're stuck in it - You can still choose your reactions, you can choose to be productive with your anger rather than destructive, etc. These are still choices and yours to make, and that's very empowering. I started with a new therapist yesterday and I stated my therapy goals to her, and one was that I understood I will always carry a particular pain around when it comes to my ex for something he's done/is doing, and it won't ever fully go away but that I want to do something productive with those feelings. Something for me, for my family. Instead of merely allowing the situation to take up space in my head, rent-free.

 

It sounds really simple there in black and white but I know it isn't. However, just sometimes merely knowing the option of choice is there is enough to keep you on the right path.

 

I enjoyed reading your post. Kudos.

[Livingreal]

Ouch, Cheetarah, your post went like an arrow straight into the sore and perhaps was a direct hit to the big question of why I’m resisting letting go. I did feel totally powerless. The choice to walk away was always there, just like the choice to let go is there now. Then and now I’m resisting that choice. I was powerless by choice.

 

How to choose something you essentially do not want? How can something be so good yet so bad that you feel doomed whichever choice you make? The choice to let go, should be much easier because it no longer changes the status of the relationship.

 

My productiveness with the pain is to improve my relating skills, which will help me when I am ready to choose my next partner. Right now that feels like never…

 

I think all relationships have challenges and this relationship taught me so much about myself, which can only help me with being more mature next time I’m faced with a challenge. Realising that there are choices available when faced with overwhelming emotions does sound empowering, especially when the memory of feeling powerless is so fresh. Collapsing into anger and frustration was not productive. Getting stuck and blinded by the pain did nothing for myself or the relationship.

 

I wish you all the best with turning around the remnants of your pain with your new therapist. I hope you can bring peace to it. Thanks for posting, it pointed to something I need to be mindful of.

[saluk]

I love your post! It's hard to take responsibility for your own actions, but I think that's the best way to move toward healing. At the end of the day, you really can't control another person anyway.

 

I’m still grappling with how this knowledge may have changed the outcome of the relationship and why I’m still unable to fully let go.

 

This knowledge couldn't have changed the outcome of the relationship, because you needed to go through this period to gain this knowledge. The reformed you will go on to make better choices - and brand new mistakes - in the future. The past you is as gone as the relationship.

[Livingreal]

Thank you, Sal. Yes I really see now why I had to experience this relationship to learn. I wish I’d learnt these lessons earlier in life, that’s all.

 

We weren’t compatible and what kills me is that I contributed a lot to that incompatibility. If I'd only known better - spilled milk syndrome. ☺

 

I'm also sad over loosing my innocence. I've always believed love would conquer all and a bunch of other fairytales.