Am I wrong to feel hurt and used?

[gamhenge]

I was dating this girl for the last year and a half when she dumps out of the blue. We had been living together for the last 6. She had only recently moved to My state when I met her where she got a job, picked up everything, and left her home state. She started going to my gym and that's how we met. We got involved really fast. We both fell in love. There was an age gap but it really didn't matter to either of us. My gym is really social and a lot of us tend to be friends outside of it due to the comraderie (ie yoga, crossfit, karate etc). I quickly introduce her to everyone, many whom I've known for over 7 years. Our relationship was great. Everyone loves her cause she is an awesome lady. We rarely fought. We both let each other be who we wanted to be. Always trusted each other.

 

Eventually, she gets laid off and I get her a job at the family business which I also work for part time. She then loses her apartment because her roommates decided to move to another state. We then move in together in house with some friends so that we can save money to have both of us be able to afford a place on our own eventually. It was small but I figured it was the best solution for the time being and we can both see how it's like to live with each other. Soon, I tell her about a job at the gym where we met and I had been going to for the last 9 years. She gets the job and things where going great. She's back on her feet and we get along well.

 

Then I started talking about the possibility of our next place together. The next day, she emails me a break up letter. A break up letter! I was so angry. She came that night and we talked. I decided I needed NC as I was so angry. She moves in w a friend from work. I stop going to the gym and going to another til I felt I was ready to see her. She had said that the reason for the break was I didn't fulfill her needs. Given, I realized I got a complacent but I wasn't falling out of love. And it takes 2. But I felt she never gave me a chance. After a month of no NC, I started going back to the same gym mostly cause I missed my friends and just had to deal with seeing her. I was and still very heartbroken. I am polite but I somewhat ignore her. I've blocked her from all social media and make sure to stay positive about the relationship. Then after about a month, I wrote her a letter on how I felt since she never gave me any closure. Eventually, she asked me out for coffee but flakes out. Made some lame excuse then proceeded to say that we have nothing really to talk about. Again I was angry.

 

I still see her at the gym where the only place I want to escape and see my friends. We rarely talk but I do miss her, still love her, and care for her. It's hard for me to let go but I know I have to. I still get slightly angry when I hear her try to make plans with friends but I don't say anything. Now I hear that she wants to move in with another friend she met through me that I've known for a decade. I get it, she doesn't have too many friends but really? I don't mind her still hanging out with my friends but this I feel is too much. We would just be too close to each to other's lives. Is wrong for me to feel angry or used? I feel like she kept everything inside, did not communicate, then left when she finally had some footing under her. I don't think she meant it to be this way but it surely feels like it. But I still miss her and there's a part of me that wants her back.

[lukeb]

You have every right to feel hurt, it would be weird if you didn't, she doesn't owe you any closure though. I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through, there really not much else to say. Break ups are rough, they suck, things will get better in time.

[gdgfx]

Hey gamhenge,

sorry to hear what you are going through, you sound like an awesome guy though.

But things happen like this, it was a year and a half and nothing came about in regards to you dating. I mean, yeah, you lived together and did things together but that's what friends do, right? Friends have even been known to sleep with each other from time to time so there isn't nothing new here to suggest that you were never more than a fling and always more friends than anything else. I think the way you did things, you brought her into your zone; friends, work, gym etc and in time she would of been the one to get complacent. You clearly gave this woman a new life in a new state in which she could do whatever she wanted to do. Perhaps, you gave her too much too early on? I'm not saying you were easy but it's nice guys like you that do all that that usually pay the price in the long run.

 

If you see it like this. Your state is new to her. She met you and you drowned out the loneliness and anxiety of moving to a new place where you don't know many people or know anyone at all, you are practically starting all over, right? And so you practically held her hand and was moral support for the time in which she could settle down, find her feet, get around, explore etc. I'm not saying she didn't love you but it's a win-win situation when you've got a new connection that's got everything you need to get setup. So she took all the emotional support, she bonded with your friends, she got some work and now she's like.... "new pastures for me, I've met someone cool, they helped me out a lot but now I want something new." and obviously that's the risk you take with people that haven't set their mind on a specific person or a specific goal in their head. If you moved to another state, miles and miles away, and you met a girl and she gave you everything yet you still felt like you had a lot to do yourself and more people to meet and things to do? Wouldn't you be able to relate in that sense? It's stick with the first guy you meet or carry on meeting new people and a lot of people are like that nowadays, you get people that move to new cities that continuously look for new experiences, new people to meet, new things to try out. It's becoming an ever changing society where people don't want to stick with one thing, and she's younger than you, you even mentioned that yourself, perhaps she's not as set in her ways as you are.

 

Anyway, that's just my thoughts. You sound like a cool guy but sometimes it's best keeping your personal life away from new people that enter your life. Don't give them too much control. And always think about yourself first.

Just take the negatives and turn them into positives, I have no doubt that you'll find happiness again, just make sure it's with the right person. Don't rush, don't plan to move in with each other, take each day as it comes, slowly introduce them to your friends and family after you know it's really serious and she's worth introducing. Just be cool, calm and don't rush. And enjoy yourself

[gamhenge]

Thank you very much for you perspective. It really helps.

[Timtom39]

Phish head?

[HeartGoesOn]

Phish head?

 

What does that mean?

[No1]

I think FX said it well and this girl told you exactly what was wrong. You no longer filled her needs. In truth, she felt like she no longer needed you to lean on. She moved to a new place and that prospect alone is scary and she attached herself to you because you were willing to help and you were there offering help. When she lost her job, you were there, when she needed a place to live, you were there, when she needed money, you were there, she never felt lonely because you were there.

To me, this sounded a lot like a one way type of relationship. Loved flowed freely from you to her, and from her to you only when certain conditions are met. I dont think she knowingly knew she was going to use some one. She did what she had to do to survive in a new place.. you just happened to be that person.

[Timtom39]

What does that mean?

 

 

His user name/handle looks like a misspelling of a kinda rock opera called Gamehendge from the band Phish. I was curious if he was a fellow fan, a lot of fans use monikers from it for usernames elsewhere

 

Sorry to sidetrack the thread.

[mhowe]

I think this woman has the attention span of a gnat. She has changed jobs and living situations a half dozen times in the timeframe of your knowing her.

 

Find happiness with someone a bit more stable.

[gamhenge]

Phish head?

 

Yup. Gonna being seeing a few shows here on the west coast soon. I was planning on going with her til this happened. We're both really into the band.

[gamhenge]

Yeah she is impulsive. We all were when we were young. She's in her mid 20's. I know I was. She goes from different projects constantly and sometimes finishes. From cooking to painting to fixing an old car to photography. But her constant pursuit for creativity always turned me on about her. I tend to stick to one or two and master it over many years. Same with her job, she has a degree in graphic design and worked as one for several years including what made her move out here. Then she got laid off but reAlly didn't pursue getting another one in the field and is how she ended up at the gym.

 

Fast forward six months and now she's on this yoga kick and now has earned a certificate to start teaching. But now I hear she misses design again. I'm really proud her for this actually. Though one of her reason for breaking up with me was my some of my bad habits were no longer on the same page as her. We'll I end up up fixing the worst of these, not for her, but for myself and now working on some others. Funny how those habits never bothered her in the beginning. But I look at these as positive changes anyways.

 

I just didn't think that all her problems in the relationship were worth not talking about it and just breaking it off. I didn't think it was fair. Sure it's hard to argue and talk about it but it's better than bottling it up.

 

I really do miss her. I do still love her. I'm sticking with the low contact. I'm hurt and feel used. I don't know if she sees it the way I do but I'm learning to let go and forgive. I also realized that some of her reasons for leaving me were valid and some were projections on me even though I never made her do anything she didn't want. I seeing a lot of different sides of her and the relationship since the break up. I'm just a little confused as to why she would wanna move in with my friend or make plans with some who she knows are close to me. It's like I don't want to be in your life but still wanna be a part of it? It's not enough that we have to see each other twice a week.

[gamhenge]

I think she thinks that she gave back to the relationship by loving me with all her heart. She was always so excited to see me and followed me around everywhere. That's why it's hard for me to let go. I know I loved her just as much but just had my own way of showing it.

[Clinton]

Sometimes people just grow apart. It's no one's fault but it happens. Most relationships fail. I mean we usually date multiple people before we settle down. Just because someone dumps you doesn't mean they are evil or lacking something. It just means you two weren't meant to be together long term.

 

Wish her well and move on. Be classy, and remember there will be someone who will make you happy long term one day.

[Timtom39]

Yup. Gonna being seeing a few shows here on the west coast soon. I was planning on going with her til this happened. We're both really into the band.

 

Ahh man, my ex (BU 3 weeks ago) wasn't in to them. This summer was the first tour I missed due to a combination of work and her. I am contemplating a self reward out to Vegas, but right now in this headspace I wouldn't enjoy it. we'll see

 

Have great shows and hang in there, another phan is going through it too

[gamhenge]

Ahh man, my ex (BU 3 weeks ago) wasn't in to them. This summer was the first tour I missed due to a combination of work and her. I am contemplating a self reward out to Vegas, but right now in this headspace I wouldn't enjoy it. we'll see

 

Have great shows and hang in there, another phan is going through it too

 

Yeah the Vegas shows might a tough ticket. Good luck and thanks.