Continue to Fight for this Relationship or Surrender?

[twiggy02]

So my ex boyfriend is 30 and I'm 27. We dated for 8 years, 5 of which we lived together. Things came to a screeching halt a few months ago when my ex said he was not happy with the relationship and I moved out. I don't blame him, things got boring and too routine. The breakup wasn't unexpected - we fought a lot the last few months and didn't really address our problems. He became distant and pretty much avoided me even though we lived together. I asked that he join me in counseling while we were still together but he refused.

 

We have been spending time together since the breakup and we never really had a "no contact" period. Shamefully, we have been intimate on several occasions but I have been justifying it with the fact that intimacy was one of our issues (he felt I wasn't fulfilling his needs and he has acknowledged it has since improved). Ever since the breakup, he stated he just felt we needed some time apart, that one day we might get back together. He continues to ask my opinion on important decisions he makes (he's looking at buying a house) that could affect me if "we did get back together."

 

Two weeks ago, he told me he cares about me and wants to work on the relationship and hopefully get back together, but has major fears that we'll fall back into the same situation. I suggested counseling again, figuring they could walk us through talking about our problems and understanding each other better - this time he agreed.

 

We had our first session (he did agree to more), which I felt was semi-beneficial (it was our first session, I know I can't solve the world's problems on the first try, but now I just feel more confused). He said he wasn't happy toward the end but couldn't exactly voice what would make him happy, which makes it incredibly hard for me to work on things if I don't know what he wants. He also said that he cared enough about the relationship to participate in the counseling but didn't want to force the relationship to work. I'm not really sure what to make of that - is he getting comfortable with being friends with benefits so he doesn't have all the baggage to deal with? Or, does he really just need time - after all, he's 30 and probably thinking he needs to settle down with someone and start a family. Counseling is expensive, so we'll give it a few more sessions but I really need to know if I should keep battling for us or surrender if he's just doing things to keep me around "just in case." Any advice?

[Ijustcant]

Speaking as a man, you know what gets to me the most? When the girl says meh and gets on with her life... Get's me to thinking... If they are around me pestering and "trying" really hard, it is just kind of a turn off... I'm not saying that's what you are doing, just putting it out there... If say you kept asking about us getting back together that would be a turn off and make me go the other direction... Appears needy and clingy... Give him some space, stop having sex with him! That'll do it I guarantee it! Ohhh go for a night out with the girls if you really want to hammer him! XD

 

That is the best I have for you, just don't be too needy and clingy and I think you'll be okay... I hope you get it sorted and hope this helps in some way... I know it sounds a little crazy but hey, we guys think you girls are crazy too, so

[ChiBrunette]

I'm 32, a woman (as you can see) - and I have a wonderfully loud and overly outspoken 32 yo boyfriend.

 

First rule: Never use sex as a power play.

My boyfriend and I have had this conversation a few times, and it always comes up that one of the reasons he fell in love with me, is because I never said "No because you...." As he puts it, "I can get vagina anywhere. Sure I only want yours, but if youre going to hold it over my head, forget it."

 

Second - 8 years. Ever hear of the 7 year itch? Its easy to get stagnant in a relationship.

 

One thing I've learned with J (the boyfriend) is that sometimes we do get too comfortable, and so we try to avoid it. We have weird rules in our home about random groping for no reason, joining the other in the shower randomly "just because" - or i'll text him during the day and tell him he's the sexiest man alive...

 

If intimacy is your issue - thats a HUGE deal breaker in any relationship.

Rediscover your passion for one another, and if you can't - cut your losses.

But 8 years is a lot to throw away.

 

I think the fact that he's willing to go to counseling, is a plus. But at this point, why not omit the counselor and hash it our yourselves?

 

Go in with the understanding that feelings may be hurt - but if you both have the understanding of no holding back, tears may be shed but oh well - maybe you'll get somewhere.

 

Relationships are a two way street. Its give and take, and we each bring our own buckets with us. If his bucket is empty, you need to be sure you can fill his while keeping yours full at the same time. If yours is empty, he should be able to do the same. And if both buckets are empty - well then if its meant to be, you both get down and dirty and dig a new well and work together to refill your buckets.

 

J and I have had our ugly moments, but at our breaking points, we revert back to why we love one another. At the end of the day, so far, for us - thats held us together pretty well.

 

My advice now that I've rambled on aimlessly...

Don't pressure him. Don't hold sex over his head like some power play. Be open, Be honest, and if he truly wants to work on it, he will. Give yourself a goal of say "3 months and we're back to a good spot or I leave" - that way you aren't hanging around like some ghost in limbo post train wreck.

 

Good Luck

[mhowe]

Stop looking for answers after one session. See where it leads. There is no need for a decision today.

[twiggy02]

I appreciate the feedback and that's why I thought I'd provide an update on our second session, any thoughts are welcome.

 

The second session we were unable to uncover that my ex felt I wasn't motivated in the relationship to make him/us happy. This was eye opening for me and it is true, I became depressed because I wasn't doing things for myself which then reflected in the relationship. My share of the household chores went undone; sometimes his requests for sexual activity were denied or if he was ready to spend time together at night before bed watching tv (that was really our together time during the day), I wasn't ready because I had other things to do. In hindsight, I regret all of these things because they really were easy things that I could have done. It's been a few months since the break up, and I've taken time to focus on myself (lost 30 pounds!) and evaluate what went wrong in the relationship. I REALLY want to make it work and I know I'll be completely invested the second time around, this has been a really eye opening experience. The problem is, he still has reservations and fears about getting back together - I'm not really sure how to show that I HAVE changed. Actions speak louder than words. I don't live there anymore, so it's not like I can demonstrate that I can keep up with my share of household chores or go to bed around the same time to have time together. We do see each other occasionally and sex has been amazing in both of our opinions. Anyone have any ideas on what else I can do to show that I have changed?

[mhowe]

He is getting the sex for free ---- without having to be in a relationship.

 

To show him you are serious, stop sleeping with him. In addition, you were together for 8 years and made no move to get married, so I would say that this relationship

has likely run its course and he is using you by sleeping with you ocasionally until he finds his next gf.

[t1lersm0m1]

I was thinking he was just stringing you along until you said he agreed to therapy. In that case, this might be worth working on.

 

But - and this is a huge but - the best thing you can do in any situation is let go and see what happens. Sometimes when you fight really hard for something, you get really frustrated because it doesn't work out. But miracles can happen when you step back and stop fighting.

 

I also suggest not sleeping together.