Breakup regret

[Bex3]

I was with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We were very close and had a really great and loving relationship, but I ended things a few weeks ago because I felt like I was falling out of love with him for the past 6 to 8 months or so. He's a great guy - super funny, smart and committed and treated me extremely well. I just felt like we didn't have the deeper connection that other couples had... I couldn't exactly put my finger on it but I felt like we weren't able to have the deep conversations I want out of a life partner, and I didn't feel like he really "got" me. I tried to fight the feeling for so long because I used to love him so much, and he didn't do anything wrong so I hoped I could get back to that. Ultimately I just felt like I had to end things since I was having doubts/didn't see us ending up together and he absolutely did. Ever since I've had some regrets because I feel like an idiot giving up a guy who was so good to me when there are

So many s out there. Part of me wants to get back together because I do love and miss him, but part of me knows it's not fair to him because in all likelihood nothing would change and I'd end up hurting him again. I guess I need reassurance if I did the right thing.

[appies]

Its very common to second guess a break-up. If you decide that you want him back, you better 100% certain, because putting someone through a break-up multiple times can be very hard on them.

[ChiBrunette]

You left for a reason. Every time that little glitch in your thought process tells you that it was a mistake, revert back to the reason you left.

 

You were together for a significant amount of time. Even though you were the dumper and not the dumpee, you're still going to have to mourn this relationship yourself. Humans are creatures of habit. We grow used to that familiar face, we come to know that person as a reliable source to run to when it feels like the rest of the world is picking on us.

 

Even though your feelings were fading (and thats OK, it happens. I've fallen out of love before, we all have) - youre still going to have to give yourself that time to adjust to life without him. This doesn't mean that you need to go running back to him, apologizing, and going back to living a sub par life of mediocrity, it just means you aren't ready to move on. Take the time for you, know that you did the right thing (and I suspect you do, but reassurance is always great to have!) and give yourself time to heal on your end. You are dealing with a loss too. Regardless if you cut the loss from your life, face it, mourn it, be proud of your decision, and never look back. You're moving forward, not backwards.

[Brotherhood67]

Hum.

 

You most likely broke his heart and in all fairness, it sounds to me like you're more afraid of being alone or regret being alone and not that you miss him per se.

 

So, you're right, you would probably hurt him again if you get back together with him.

 

So the best reason is this : allowing him to heal, not messing up with his feelings and allowing him to have a good life without you.

[Bex3]

Thank you- I really needed these words

[Broomwood]

Hi Bex3,

 

I hear a very young and inexperienced person speaking through this email. Forgive me, if I am wrong.

You, like many of us have watched too many Hollywood movies and read too many celebs 'fall in love, fall out of love' accounts, and think that this is normal to be in love throughout, I don't know, perhaps the whole life. Yet in nature, there's no basis for such condition. On a chemical level, the feeling of love cannot last longer than 3 years maximum. Please look into that.

 

Secondly, it is up to you (!) to open up the guy to a deeper, more meaningful conversation. If you say he is smart, then he should be able to get you. What I heard once from a very wise woman therapist is that we, women want a man to be like our best friend, who is a woman. Very few men can match the emotional level and sensitivity of women. They just can't 'get' us as well as your best friends can. Have you thought about it?

 

Things can be done with a guy, if you show him how. You, I bet, think that you need not explain to him what you want from him, what level of intimacy and connection you crave. Like your best friend or mum, you assume he should get naturally. Please examine your assumptions and talk to some older and wiser woman who have had long and fulfilling relationships.

[Bex3]

I appreciate your response, Broomwood. I am very young and inexperienced haha... I'm 23 and he's only my 2nd relatively serious relationship. All of the things that you mentioned are things I've struggled with and thought about. I totally agree with you about men being different than women in terms of being emotionally expressive, and I have also heard that statistic about romantic/passionate love not lasting more than 3 years. I guess I just felt like I was too young to unquestioningly settle into something that didn't feel right... Maybe after having a few more relationships I'll realize that my bf and I were compatible, it just can't remain as exciting as it does for the first few years. I hope I don't.... I hope I find someone who, even if they can't be my "best friend" or my "mom" in terms of talking/emotional connection, we can be more compatible than my bf and I were, and have slightly more conversational/emotional compatibility... Because like you said, after a couple years, the "love" you see in the movies typically fades, and then that's all you have left. I appreciate your advice and wisdom.

[sky09]

This. +1

I'm a man and still don't get the whole "in love" thing. i was thrown this line when the woman i love(d) left.

[Brotherhood67]

Hum.

 

Personally I don't buy this assumption about women being more "emotional" than men.

 

I spent 8 years with a woman who was completely incapable either of expressing her emotions or processing them. Yes, she showed a lot of narcissistic traits so, well, I know that narcissists are incapable of actually having emotions about others but I always was the "emotional" one in our couple.

 

I simply believe that men and women express emotions maybe (and it's a BIG maybe) differently but "emotional intelligence" is equally divided between both sexes.

[panther]

I will not reassure you you did the right thing. But I will give you something you may want to think about.

 

On one hand, I could agree that you did the right thing and these feelings you are having are solely because you are used to have someone around. The relationship was not one of those where you have lots of stress and then you actually feel relieved you are out of it, on the contrary, you had a loving man around you and now he is gone. So if that is the case, it will take you some time to get used to the single life. But you will be fine.

 

On the other hand, you may be looking for the perfect man, the perfect relationship and just ended one because of its non perfection. See, there are no perfect people and you have to know which (or the absence of which) characteristics from a relationship you can live with. If you made a list from all the qualities you want in a man and in a relationship and you know you can't have them all, which ones could youeliminate and still have a great relationship?

If this "connection" you speak about, if having deep conversations with him, are a must for having a good relationship, then you did the right thing. You may find a man who gives this to you, but I assure you he will have other flaws.

[Bex3]

I found this response to be really wise. That's why these decisions are so hard to make I guess - because sometimes you don't know which traits you can live without until you're forced to live without them. I think the lovingness/devotion is really high on the list for me, which he had, but so is the ability to engage in conversation about things i care about, politics, life in general, etc. Things I'm more willing to compromise on would be outgoingness (my bf was never super outgoing or social with my friends, and was even stubborn about not putting in effort with them after I asked him to. Even though ideally I wish he would have been more flexible in this regard, this alone was not something I would give up the relationship for), attractiveness (I found my boyfriend extremely attractive and still do, but I've also had strong feelings for people in the past who I didn't think were objectively as attractive), and maybe some other things. It's so hard to quantify complicated traits and it makes me feel so petty to have to check things off a list when it comes to being in love. It's just never something I had to do before this....I fell head over heels for my bf, but all of a sudden when things started getting really serious and I realized we had been together long enough that I should be able to picture a future with him, I think the rose-colored glasses came off and I started to think more logically about whether he really had the qualities I wanted in a life partner. It was just weird and I felt like I was having to make this grown up decision when I certainly don't feel grown up or like I have enough experience to make decisions like that.

[reinventmyself]

Good advise and all I will add is if you do contact to be sure that he is the one. I have been on both sides. . contacting an ex when I shouldn't have, only to hurt him again. It was really selfish of me.

And I have been on the other side where an ex contacted me. . again. . for selfish reasons.

Give this a lot of thought before acting on it.

[panther]

You are right, these are very hard decisions to make. If he gave you a good reason to break up, even though it would be painful, you would know it was the right decision. But this is not the case.

You may ask all the people you want if you acted right and you will hear many different opinions and in the end you will still not have the right answer.

I am struggling myself with a similar situation, with the difference that I haven't broken up because I don't know if this is the correct thing to do.

I have been here on the forum for a few months now, and taking into account some things I read here, it seems to me you are very mature for your age due to the questions you are raising and due to the way you are looking at the relationship.

Take some time to think about it. And whatever decision you make and whoever you end up with in a relationship, you may always wonder if there is someone out there in the world who would be a better partner for you.

If you decide to keep the break up, don't stress too much about it. You are 23, you have lots of time ahead to meet a great partner.

[Bex3]

Thanks Panther. I hope you figure out what's best for you in your relationship. I came here just now because my heart hurts a lot today and I needed to reread some of the things I wrote and remember that this is the right decision for me because once you end things it's too easy to lose sight of the reasons you had. I know I just need to stay strong and accept that I'm in pain and it doesn't mean I was wrong.