Is there hope for a codependent relationship?

[Gregarious]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just under a year, and we have lived together for over a year. For the last year he has been going to therapy for jealousy/insecurity issues, as well as using alcohol in unhealthy ways, and I have been there to support him. This has all been very emotionally draining for me, and I have sacrificed my own needs and been as patient as possible because I really thought therapy would help him. In that time, nothing much has changed other than the fact that he will talk to me more when the jealousy happens.

 

At the beginning of this month he left for 2 1/2 weeks. While he was gone, his jealousy surfaced again when I was going to be doing a motorcycle trip with some friends who happen to be male (the male to female ratio in that culture is very unbalanced.) It put me in an irritated mood right in time for me to have the time of my life... without him. I realized that I'm right at my boiling point, so I brought it up to him over the phone.

 

We had a long heartfelt conversation and he realized that he hasn't been proactive enough in his treatment. He hadn't realized how much of his problems I had been taking on and how much it was effecting me. He suggested we go to therapy together and that he start going to AA.

 

While browsing therapists' bios, I came accross "codependency." I had always heard the term but didn't really know what it meant, so I looked it up. While reading about it, I was shocked. 98% of the signs were exactly our relationship. I'm the mother hen, and he's the introverted narcissist. I sent him the wiki article to get his thoughts, and he agreed that we were on that spectrum.

 

He's been back in town for almost a week, and I'm finding it hard to be attracted to him. It's a gift and a curse, but once I realize I have a character flaw, I do everything I can to fix it, so I think once I realized I was codependent, I immediately detached myself from the relationship because I saw it as unhealthy. I also know that I need to get myself at least a few therapy sessions of my own, and I've ordered "Codependent No More" to read. We had our first in-person serious discussion last night and I tried to be as honest as possible about my feelings about everything, which left him feeling extremely uncertain about our relationship, and rightfully so.

 

We contacted some therapists on Friday (who haven't called back yet,) and he went to his first AA meeting today. I asked him how it went and he said he cried through half of the meeting because he feels like the emotions of the last few weeks just spilled out while he was there. I've never seen him cry. He's confident that meetings will help him remain sober, though.

 

I still have yet to see if couples' counseling will help or hinder our relationship. What are the chances of an unhealthy relationship becoming a healthy, functioning relationship? I've never been to couples' counseling, what should I expect?

 

Any help is greatly appreciated. I feel like I'm in emotional limbo. Part of me wants it to work, and part of me wants out.

[BigKK]

Well there is always a chance. But my thinking is you two have never had a "healthy" relationship, so after a year of "not so great" type, you're going to put in a lot of work with an alcoholic boyfriend.

 

Of course it's going to work, I don't know how the other parts of the relationship are, since you didn't mention it, I assume not "great" so perhaps just move on and let him work on his own. He might regress, but then again, it's all in his own hands as well.

 

 

If you two were married and had a few years of a great relationship and it took a turn for the worse, then I'm all onboard to try to work to fix it...but this seems like a plane that never even took off properly.

[catfeeder]

If you two were married and had a few years of a great relationship and it took a turn for the worse, then I'm all onboard to try to work to fix it...but this seems like a plane that never even took off properly.

 

I agree. I'd move out and work on my own stuff. If the two of your are meant to be, you'll find a way to meet on higher ground someday.