Why do I keep crawling back to a liar?

[Proactive Paradigm]

There was a bustup and falling out a year ago with a friend of mine who I loved deeply (not in the 'relationship' way). Ever since then I have tried my very, very best to patch things up with her. Every time I have received a variant of the same reply. "Things are ok, we should talk soon." But every time this never happens, and things go silent again. I have tried to reestablish social network connections and they haven't been accepted. I have been told that she would do the same back and nothing has ever arrived.

 

Why would someone lie so many times about this? Each time I go in I have this idiotic hope that being told she wants things to work out was truthful and things are going to be ok again. Then every time nothing comes of it I get more and more resentful, and disgusted. Is it possible she was so offended or hurt by the falling out that she won't be honest with me anymore? I am confused and hurt, more than I can ever remember being.

 

I don't want this to be a 'why do women lie?' thing... but why do women lie?!

 

Should I stop crawling back? Do I really just have to admit to myself that things are over and I'll just get this for the rest of my life if I keep trying?

[shes2smart]

Should I stop crawling back? Do I really just have to admit to myself that things are over and I'll just get this for the rest of my life if I keep trying?

 

Yes.

 

She's shown you through her actions...or inaction....who she is/what she wants but you're not listening. You're listening to her words, which are very easy to manipulate.

 

It's been my observation that when the words and actions don't match up, you're better off ignoring the words and paying more attention to the actions.

 

All relationships - friendships, romantic relationships, business relationships...even family relationships - have a beginning, middle and end. You do yourself no favors trying to hang onto something after it's over.

[skyhop333]

I know how you feel on so many levels with this. My ex keeps trying to toss out small breadcrumbs with each failure and wrong choice he makes regarding relationships. Since me, he's gone farther and farther down the rabbit hole when had things worked out and he had not been a liar and a cheater, today would be different.

 

With each breadcrumb there are lies painted in the mix still trying to snare me emotionally back to him so he has a plan b or a back door when his insatiable thirst for the fun perfect life falls through.

 

There was another lie that surfaced last night that had been brewing for months. Keeping in mind, we only had scant communication by text that would amount to no more than a small conversation over the coarse of a month.

 

You ask why women lie, while i ask why do men lie. My ex used to lie to me the same way about "soon". No results ever came and "soon" was nothing more than his pacifying me to keep me in some sort of undertow for his use, whether psychologically or physically I don't know, but it hurts all the same.

 

I guess you have a choice to either confront her with the lies (of which if anything like my ex is futile even if you have rock solid proof), or you can move on. You need to be the one to say it's over. She hasn't done that as it seems she is still leading you on to try to keep the door from slamming. You would be nothing more than a future tolerable stepping stone. That hurts even worse as I have been there.

 

I wouldn't say you have been crawling back, I would say it sounds more like your searching for real tangible explanations for why she is lying to you.

 

They never have a truthful answer as to continual lying as they will do everything they can to keep you from walking out that door permanently. It's not that they love or care, it's that to them we are nothing more than usable tools for future needs to be met. Were not deserving human entities that they can feel empathy for. There is no empathy in a lie.

 

Last night I made it clear to my ex, that even scant communication cannot continue. I confronted him with this last lie and he emphatically denied it over and over with texts saying "your wrong" over and over.

I sent him a picture of the evidence that no man on the planet could deny. Then a moment of silence and then a text saying "Ill explain".

 

I told him not to bother explaining as even the explanation will never be believed. There comes a point when they lying is no longer tolerated and you just shut off like a switch and don't care to even ask why as the past has enough proof of it.

 

People lie for many reasons. All selfish and self serving. People lie for a reason, that's all that's needed to know. If it's breadcrumbs, gather them up and feed them to the crows and walk away knowing it's not your fault, you tried. They failed you. Not the other way around.

[catfeeder]

Is it possible she was so offended or hurt by the falling out that she won't be honest with me anymore?

 

Sure. What caused the falling out, and how did you mend it?

[Proactive Paradigm]

Sure. What caused the falling out, and how did you mend it?

 

I went to visit (it's overseas) and everything was crap. Argued about it when I got home, stopped talking., I have tried many times to talk it over and get back to how things used to be but alas I guess it is possible that it caused her too much grief (though I find this hard to believe). It might explain the evasiveness though.

[catfeeder]

I went to visit (it's overseas) and everything was crap. Argued about it when I got home, stopped talking., I have tried many times to talk it over and get back to how things used to be but alas I guess it is possible that it caused her too much grief (though I find this hard to believe). It might explain the evasiveness though.

 

No, it's not hard to believe that she'd be hurt by your complaints about your visit then shutting down. It would hurt me a lot if someone did that to me.

 

What was the problem, was she a lousy host?

[Proactive Paradigm]

No, it's not hard to believe that she'd be hurt by your complaints about your visit then shutting down. It would hurt me a lot if someone did that to me.

 

What was the problem, was she a lousy host?

 

Not at all, I thought she was generous and courteous.

 

I guess the issues were

- was getting too near her, I wasn't aware at the time she was so 'personal space' specific... it was kind of upsetting, I've never seen anyone react like that

- 'dismissed' her for one of the days I was over as I felt really ill through a combination of things. I suspect she still just sees it as being blown off. I didn't exactly have a fun day either

- in general conversation was sparse and everything was awkward to hell

 

Neither of us were particularly big on self-esteem, so perhaps it was as big a hurt to her as the fallout was to me... but from what I got to know over the years it's just not her behaviour to do so.

[catfeeder]

I'm missing something--what did you complain to her about when you got home?

[mhowe]

Was this a cyber relationship and you went overseas to meet for the first time?

[Proactive Paradigm]

I'm missing something--what did you complain to her about when you got home?

 

Might have been a bad explanation. More like both of us were angry with the other over the behaviour of one another and argued over it following a period of silence which I broke by asking what was up. A fair point, we did both act poorly. And it was me who overreacted the most and cut off communication for a bit, but I did later say I did it because she meant so much to me.

 

Was this a cyber relationship and you went overseas to meet for the first time?

 

Not at all, I had no interest in that kind of relationship.