Picking up the pieces of a failing relationship - is it possible?

[misterandy]

Hello folks,

I just wanted to seek out some advice and input from the community on the current situation I’m in. I’m sure you’ve heard a hundred tales similar but I just wanted to hear from you all.

 

I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over a year now. From day one, it has been an uphill battle for our relationship. The circumstances leading up to us getting together involved a former ex-boyfriend who didn’t want to accept the breakup which she initiated. But we were able to get past it and had our “honeymoon” phase which ended rather abruptly. She is now 21 and I am 24. We share mutual hobbies such as arts & craft, hiking, camping, sports and a slew of other things. Over the year, we shared a lot of fond memories. Interspersed with those fond memories were bouts of arguments. A big issue we held over the year has been communication. It was the default issue we had in most of our fights among other things.

 

Yesterday, we sparked a fight over communication. We had an issue about my aloof nature in regards to a blurb in passing that I mentioned. I felt it was insignificant and did not involve her (I had a disagreement with a friend) which she felt I should talk to her about. As a guy who didn’t feel like discussing it at the time, I shrugged it off. This snowballed into our fight which shook me to my core. She said that it was because of me that she’s been stressing out so much lately, losing sleep over it, going through depression and not feeling like herself. She went on to say she was “tired of my crap” (her version was more expletive”) and that she didn’t know who she was.

I love this girl, or at least that’s what my heart tells me, and I don’t want her to be unhappy. My ultimate goal was always to have her be happy – which in turn would make me happy. And to strive for this goal and know she felt this way was a dagger to the heart. In hindsight of her comment and taking all of our fights in consideration, I felt it was best we end our relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

I struggled pathetically last night to end our relationship which was causing her so much grieve. Cliché of me but I felt it was “If you love someone, set them free.” Going in to this, I was stern about my decision; that this was the right move for the both of us. She broke down and wept her eyes out and told me not to walk out of her life. Not to be another loved one who walked out on her. She exclaimed that she was sorry about what she said and that we can work through it. After all of our previous arguments, I did not want to set myself up for more and felt this was the best for the both of us. She was in extreme denial and after a painstaking hour, she kisses me, tells me we weren’t over and that we will talk tomorrow. She storms out (we are at a park) and heads for the trail.

Going in to this, I was sure this was the right decision for the both of us. I know it would be tough on us both for the following months but felt she would be happier without me as her boyfriend. After talking with my friends, I’m completely unsure if I made the right decision. I followed my friends’ advice to let us both take a few days to mull over it and meet again to talk about us (I sent her a message making this request.)

 

Can two people who just went through such an ordeal be able to pick up the pieces? Would this even be a worthy endeavor after everything that has happened? When having our discussion in a few days, I’m going to put aside my ego, my pride – everything. And just lay everything out on the table with her and have a mature conversation on what we want to do. But will it ever work? Knowing how this girl felt about our relationship and for her to know at one point, this guy completely gave up on the relationship? In your experiences, if you have any, were you able to mend the broken heart and move forward together as a stronger couple?

 

Thank You!

[b0yer]

Yes, relationships can make it through these types of things. You just have to be on the same page and communicate openly. Time heals these wounds and it won't happen overnight.

 

One thing you have to do is let go of the fact that this happened. Take some time and figure out if breaking up is the right move or not. If you want out, you want out. If you want to get back, get back, but forget about this and move forward slowly.

[CeeLambrini]

Communicating properly is key here. As she tried to inform you of the severity of the situation, what lack of communication and opening up was doing to her - you took it as a reason to end the relationship whereas she was trying hard to get you to realise how important it was to her. Neither of you are entirely to blame but it all comes down to communication and understanding.

Trust that if she feels she needs to end the relationship, she will do it herself. You shouldn't need to 'do it for her' or 'set her free'. She is an adult, she can set herself free.

At the same time, if you feel blamed and unable to continue the relationship - then end it for your own reason. Don't make the decision for her.

Ask, how can you learn to open up to her more. Or, explain to her that opening up isn't your thing.

Ask for more details of the 'crap' she is referring to. Then see if you can work on those, or if not see if she can accept that that is how you are as a person.

Let her know that you are willing to talk things through as long as she comes to you about it, and doesn't wait for it to all blow up in your faces over a little argument.

That's all I can suggest for now, good luck

[DancingFool]

Communication certainly looks like an issue between you. Part of it is that what she is communicating and what you are hearing is different. What it boils down to is that she is upset about some specific things that are fixable. You took her statements as basically "I'm a failure of a bf so I'll just leave you be". You are correct that you need to set your ego and pride aside because that's very much coloring what you are hearing and how you are reacting.

 

Do have a calm conversation and maybe try to come up with ways on how to get certain points accross to each other without drama. There have been many times with my bf where I just flat out asked him, "how can I say it so that it's clear that what I really want is X and not Y". That usually makes him pause and then respond with "if you say it this way, I'll get it." It works for us and has diffused many an inbound argument.

[SooSad33]

Let's look at what you first said...

 

"I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over a year now. From day one, it has been an uphill battle for our relationship. The circumstances leading up to us getting together involved a former ex-boyfriend who didn’t want to accept the breakup which she initiated."

- You two have been dealing with some issue's, which you mentioned as communication.

She'd recently gotten out of a long term relationship, I presume? That, itself can cause a lot of strain & problems, as I'm sure she hadn't dealt with her BU properly. ( Been able to work on accepting or dealing with it).

One needs time to accept those changes, etc. and to become whole again. Mentally & emotionally.

 

 

"This snowballed into our fight which shook me to my core. She said that it was because of me that she’s been stressing out so much lately, losing sleep over it, going through depression and not feeling like herself. She went on to say she was “tired of my crap” (her version was more expletive” and that she didn’t know who she was."

- I'm thinking she's feeling exhausted in all forms now, with the facts i've mentioned.

She rushed into another relationship and is unable to 'give' to this one properly, maybe?

Or she could be affected from her last relationship & unable to deal with this one..?

 

You could discuss this with her. And if maybe she thinks she needs a 'mental break' from things for a while, if she feels so, to deal with her problems.

That would probably do her a world of good. And to have your relationship improve, later.

If things don't improve, good chance, you'll both end up driving each other down one way or another.

[SophieGrace]

I think what you need to ask yourself here is if you want to "fix" whatever she is putting on you. Personally, I don't think it's fair that she is trying to make you wrong for wanting to keep a disagreement with your friend personal. I also think it's a lot of responsibility to bear when she tells you that her entire well being hinges on you being able to communicate the way she wants you to. You guys are just different; you need different levels of communication and privacy, and there's nothing wrong with that. But if you really want to make it work, I think the key is being able to talk through it and own your part of it, and she needs to do the same. See if there is a compromise that involves caring and mutual respect for who the other person is.

 

That said, I see that you clearly care about her and you want her to be happy. And I agree with Cee - you are not responsible for ending it for her, but I also understand that if you feel you can't win with her no matter how hard you try why bother trying since it feels like it won't ever be good enough - especially if you are just being yourself. It's telling you write, "From day one, it's been an uphill battle." I just don't think it should be that hard, sweetie.

[itsallgrand]

I think it's possible, but it will probably be a difficult road if you get back together and will end soon enough anyways.

I'm not a Magic Eight Ball. I say that because I read here that your gf is probably not ready at this point in time yet to be in a relationship. That doesn't mean she couldn't have one, and has, but these kinds of issues are going to pop up time and time again with her until she deals with her depression and emotions on her own.

 

Way too much drama, way too much emotional need here. Reminds me of someone at that age (cough).

[Ms Darcy]

This. If you are willing to give her what she's requested, then and only then consider getting back together. But I tend to feel that a relationship started out with and full of drama for a year is just not the right one for you.