I've Become A Jerk

[InvisibleWound]

I have a lot of threads on here about my relationship with my boyfriend. I have good and bad days I guess you could say. As of recent I have become rather intrusive and I have snooped in the past only to be become jealous. As an example I can count many times we would be texting and he would take an hour to respond because he was talking to a girl from work instead. This doesn't happen often but it has. And I simply told him you could just say "Im busy" or something for I don't sit there wondering whats going on. I've gotten over that though, it is just an example.

 

He has been using snapchat to talk to with 2 girls from work. I met one of the girls and her boyfriend, the other girl is friends with the same couple we are friends with now. Well he is more friends with I should say. Anyways I had picked up on snapchat when the couple was over and the girl commented on snapping him her sims. I got it to try snapping only to see I am never in his top 3 friends list and for the most part just (Andy) is. I will use Andy as the name of the girl I am having issues with.

 

A while back when I had snooped his phone it wasn't inappropriate really as to what he was talking about but she was venting about her own relationship problems to my bofyriend quite extensive so that was bothering me but I got over it. I guess the bigger issue now is I got in the habit almost everyday of saying "Talking to someone?" As an example if I go to get water and hes on his phone.

 

Last night he got snappy with me because it didn't look like he was going to finish the dishes. I do all the cleaning. Now he does work more hours then me but all I asked was for him to help even just 1 day a month do dishes or something. This bought is into the snappyness. He literally bit my head off and I was like "Why are you so damn snappy with me?" He said I was becoming annoying and he felt like he was always doing something wrong and I was intrusive.

 

3 events occurred in the almost 8 years we've been together that has struck me with higher than usual jealousy issues. The first being a girl he was friends with at his old job. She went through a breakup and he was there for her. Well that is great, keep in mind they were new friends, like 7 month new and met through work.

 

This is when I snooped through his text messages for the first time because he was staying up very late. He was staying up to talk with her while she vented though he was trying to cheer her up so he always was reminding her shes beautiful, will find someone else, etc. That is fine and well but I got upset over the overuse of telling her shes beautiful. Anyways that is fine got over it.

 

The 2nd time I ended up figuring out his facebook password and say some very I would say light flirting going on with a co worker from the same hotel, she was 18. One night a banquet happened so I knew he would be late. Come to find out he was at work but was hardly getting his work done, instead was messaging her on facebook and it got a bit inappropriate. He tries to tell me I read what he wrote wrong but he did say 'I want to see you naked" and she changed the subject. So... Take that as you will I guess. He no longer talks to her because when he got home I tried to break up with him but we talked through it.

 

3rd issue was our lack of sex for a while. He was a lower sex drive then me but this time around it was longer then usual. I ended up finding had had been looking at sex videos and naked photos of his ex which I didn't know about until then. One night walking home from work he lied to my face 5 times in a row. So I told him I knew and he was pretty upset and ashamed with comments like he lied because he felt not man enough for me.

 

The recent thing isn't an issue so much but I have a hard time trusting Andy. The first time I met her she was all over the other girl were friends with, like a touchy/feely/hug person I guess. I don't mind so much that he is friends with her but this group is 19 and we are 27 going on 28, it seems weird.

 

Anyways back to last night. I told him half the time I was apparently being intrusive was me just asking who he was talking to and I really didn't realize it was that big a deal. I mean we've together almost 8 years, were considered common law married because of our long term/living together relationship.

 

I told him I would back off since this is bothering him and he said he would try to be less snappy, ok fine. He recently put a PIN on his phone and I asked because he was turning the screen on and it looked like a calculator on the screen. He swears up and down its not because of me but because of work, hes setting an example by leaving his phone in the crew room. I figured because of my past snooping that this would be why.

 

This girl gives off this vibe that shes flirty and stuff and this bothers me. I also found out that he and her hug a lot when shes depressed. And today I will be meeting her for the first time outside of his work for a movie. He said she may even hug me at the movie thanking me. Hugs are ok as long as their not turning to something else. I have a feeling they hug more then me and him do though. He wants us all to be friends. I met the other couple who I have no issues with but I can't seem to be friends with them probably due to me being anti social, I am not sure.

 

I know I have jealousy issues because he hurt me but also because of exs. I try not to let it bother me but its hard getting over someone lieing to you. My friend thinks its creepy that he is friends with 2, 19 year old females. I kind of do but they seem like good people.

 

I don't know... A part of me is wondering if this is the end of the road for us soon. Its not fair for me to be on his back of asking him who hes talking to, I know this. And I know I am just as much to blame as him. He works a lot as well so even though we live together we don't spend much time together. I love him and our old issues have gotten better but the trust is up and down for me. I guess I just need to learn and trust him. The few people who know this issue feel its red flags though. I don't know. I've felt so lost the past month not just with him but my job I hate. its very stressful times. I know I am not the greatest girlfriend but I try. Minus my questions of who ya talking to. Sigh what do you guys think?

[BentGattling]

Only 27 and been in a relationship for 8 years. The whole thing seems stifling and boring. Do you know who you are? Does he?

[InvisibleWound]

Only 27 and been in a relationship for 8 years. The whole thing seems stifling and boring. Do you know who you are? Does he?

 

I thought about that. I know I am in a phase of trying to find myself again. Like go back to writing, painting and hopefully walking. I also am in the air with jobs. I work part time at a call center and also do some stuff online that brings money in. My goal is to work at home full time but its still a process. Ask for him he is one of the managers at Wendys and talks about going to school to be a mechanic. We both want the same things. A house outside of town with yard space. And I think once he saves money hes going to buy his own vehicle for he can stop bugging me for drives. I do the driving since the car is in my name.

 

I do believe me and him need to be more our own people. I would be happy if we can each find that but still maintain a relationship. And for me to get over jealousy issues.

[WithLove]

You snooped and found what you were looking for. Multiple times. If you can't deal with the knowledge, then leave. I'm not saying it was wrong - I'm saying that you were looking for something and found it. If you're already wondering if it's the end of the road for you, then it probably is, because obviously you've had these thoughts before.

[InvisibleWound]

You snooped and found what you were looking for. Multiple times. If you can't deal with the knowledge, then leave. I'm not saying it was wrong - I'm saying that you were looking for something and found it. If you're already wondering if it's the end of the road for you, then it probably is, because obviously you've had these thoughts before.

 

 

This is very true. I don't feel like anything he has done was cheating. And out of all of those events the only one that really got on my nerves was lieing about the sex videos of his ex. To be perfectly honest if he wanted to masturbate to those a few times whatever, it happens. They do not talk and they are not in contact. I think my other issue is because what he has done hurt me yes he never really cheated. So I wanted to work past this yet these things still affect me. So really seems like I need to let it go and see where we go or just end it and move on.

[WithLove]

Watching sex videos is fine. Watching sex videos of his ex is NOT.

[SooSad33]

". Its not fair for me to be on his back of asking him who hes talking to, "

- You're right. If you feel you can't/don't 'trust', the relationship is not going to get far. Expect failure.

 

Sounds like you should BOTH learn to respect one another.

Him to reduce his phone usage, when you two are together and YOU to stop harassing him & questioning him all the time. Yes, it gets old & irritating.

Yes, hugs can be okay. Has he known this gal a long time? ( It is okay to have some friends of opposite sex as long as they dont cross the line).

 

Do you think maybe YOU need to seek a hobby or sport..or getout with your own friends more? It's good to have a life of your own, even though you're in a relationghip.

And if you find you cannot trust.. maybe you should think of some therapy.

Like i said, if you can't trust your partner.. things will soon enough go down hill.

[Longview01]

What a horrible relationship..and you have been doing this for 8 years?

[Curly sue]

You are a very easy going person it sounds like. I would be very hurt if my man was looking at sex tapes of his ex . You have to set respectable boundaries in a relationship. Something made you doubt him to snoop. So you have to ask yourself why. These things sound like red flags to me. Unless you have a open relationship he is stepping over the boundaries.

[InvisibleWound]

Watching sex videos is fine. Watching sex videos of his ex is NOT.

 

Well we all feel differently about this type of thing. I do not appreciate what he did but it happened. He did destroy the disc that contained these said videos in front of me. I was more upset over the lieing. As a rule though I do not think its right or a nice thing to do.

 

". Its not fair for me to be on his back of asking him who hes talking to, "

- You're right. If you feel you can't/don't 'trust', the relationship is not going to get far. Expect failure.

 

Sounds like you should BOTH learn to respect one another.

Him to reduce his phone usage, when you two are together and YOU to stop harassing him & questioning him all the time. Yes, it gets old & irritating.

Yes, hugs can be okay. Has he known this gal a long time? ( It is okay to have some friends of opposite sex as long as they dont cross the line).

 

Do you think maybe YOU need to seek a hobby or sport..or getout with your own friends more? It's good to have a life of your own, even though you're in a relationghip.

And if you find you cannot trust.. maybe you should think of some therapy.

Like i said, if you can't trust your partner.. things will soon enough go down hill.

 

I agree. My problem with this girl is how they hardly know each other. They have been friends for a year. I would feel less jealous if she was an old time friend but shes not. Me and him talked about the hug thing and he said it happened a few times and it was mostly him just with one arm around her patting her back telling her things are going to be okay. Me and him have been together almost 8 years its a long time. I never felt this way the whole relationship. I am working on doing things outside of us, etc... Seeing family more and us making more time together.

 

What a horrible relationship..and you have been doing this for 8 years?

 

Yes I know it has been a long time. The first 2 years were pretty much a fairytail and slowly after that we had problems here and there. Its hard to walk away when you love someone madly as I love him.

 

You are a very easy going person it sounds like. I would be very hurt if my man was looking at sex tapes of his ex . You have to set respectable boundaries in a relationship. Something made you doubt him to snoop. So you have to ask yourself why. These things sound like red flags to me. Unless you have a open relationship he is stepping over the boundaries.

 

Well every time I have snooped it was when our relationship felt off or threatened. Or lack of sex, etc. Honestly a big majority of the time that I snooped I found nothing bad. But others questionable but not that bad of things. You are right though random red flags did pop up here and there. I am trying hard to trust him now and us give each other space. Since our talk about all this things have gotten better. But we hardly saw each other anyways because he has been working insane hours.