we understand each other very well but have too huge differences.

[Eveline]

I'm 25 and my bf is 27, I'm an Asian and he's an European. We've been together for 6 months and all went well, except for the fact that I sometimes felt neglected and not loved enough. He is a free spirit , he doesn't like disciplines and smoke weeds, goes out a lot with friends til 6 am while I'm a very disciplined person who would go to bed early and eat healthy, I neither drink nor smoke and execise regularly, we are really the opposites of each other. He has ED but doesn't want to go to the doc ( he says it would cure itself as it works normally when he masturbates,he only has mental problem when it comes to sexual intercourse), unlike other men who have ED, he talks about it very openly and is not ashamed at all. To my opinion, he really has a healthy confidence. He told me that because he is used to not having sex, he doesn't need me to survive. He loves me, but he can manage without me. I'm that kind of gf who needs a lot of nearness and affection, and I also have a stronger sex drive than he does ( he still managed to make me happy in bed, but it just doesn't feel normal as we can't have sex). He says he doesn't need a healthy life, instead he will just enjoy his life and live shorter. His love for me is so different, while I don't need much personal space in our relationship, he does, and he doesn't need to see me as often as I do. He says I'm the best gf he could ever imagine, and he never wants to lose me, but for him love is just an equal part like friends and family and work. And if I can't be happy with that, I could leave him and find another person because he doesn't want to make me unhappy and see me hurt, as he is not going to change. I don't feel cherished enough. Because for me I always have my priorities, he is one of them. I can feel that he loves me in his own way, we always have a good time together, we can communicate on a very deep level. But I don't know if our relationship can last long due to our differences. We are both ready to try our best to listen and to fit each other, but I still feel a bit sad as this is so different from the love that I've imagined. We also have very different cultural backgrounds, which has led to a lot of misunderstandings between us. Sometimes I have a feeling that I'm more willing to change a sacrifice for him, but he just wants to give up if things get complicated. He said that if a relationship works, then it would work right at the beginning, and if it doesn't, then maybe we should not waste our energy, and that hurt me a lot. Therefore he broke up with me once, but we were both so sad and devastated that we got right back to each other after one month. When we are together, we never fight and really reach a complete harmony. It's not our personal differences that annoy me, but the difference in how we love and his independence in our relationship that makes me worry. Besides, his longest relationship last 2 years, and in between most of the girls he knew left him due to his Ed. My longest relationship last 6 years, my ex are some similar to me in the way we love, and I'm so used to being loved and cherished a lot. I jumped right from that 6 years relationship to this , so I'm undergoing a lot of changes and they sometimes got me confused.

My question is, should I try to accept him and adapt to him ( and vice versa) , or should I just give up - because I'm afraid that in the long run, we might feel tired and grow apart... thank you all in advance!

[Man with Dog]

I think the dealbreaker here is that he needs a lot more personal space than you do. It is how he is and he won't change. That doesn't make him a bad person, as there are girls out there who need a lot of personal space, too. My wife and I are both like you and simply couldn't tolerate anyone who went out with friends a lot and stayed out all night.

 

However, the norm these days is for most couples to be more independent than previous generations but there are still plenty of people around whose need for closeness more matches your and mine.

[sk22545]

I'm sorry, but he can't give you what you need. You crave someone who wants you passionately and is grateful to have you, and it doesn't sound like he is.

 

He told me that because he is used to not having sex, he doesn't need me to survive. He loves me, but he can manage without me.

 

The fact that he actually said this to you shows his lack of passion for the relationship and his "take it or leave it" attitude. It's great that he's independent and all that, but you two are not compatible in this respect.

 

" He has ED but doesn't want to go to the doc (he says it would cure itself as it works normally when he masturbates, he only has mental problems when it comes to sexual intercourse) "

 

Well so far this has been an ongoing issue for him and he refuses to go to the doctor to do anything about it. I don't see the problem magically resolving itself. If you've expressed to him that you're not happy with the lack of sex, then it's pretty selfish of him not to try to fix the problem.

 

I would let the relationship go, because I think your dissatisfaction will grow over time. He doesn't want to change.

[lavenderdove]

Pot heads are notorious for being lazy, unambitious, junk food eating slobs whose sole function in life is amusing themselves and doing things that they see as being both fun and easy. So he will totally not 'get' or understand someone like you, nor choose to emulate you either or life a normal and healthy lifestyle.

 

And his limp noodle could very well be related to his drug use, partying, and drinking.

 

Really, this guy doesn't sound like he has much to recommend him. He really doesn't have much to offer, in addition to having LOTS of issues and problems that he is doing nothing to try to solve. And you don't want to hitch your wagon to a pot head! If he's still doing a lot of drugs and partying all night and is over the age of 22, you have a big problem on your hands and don't want to sign up for life with an immature drug addict.

 

His limp noodle could also be due to an absolute terror of pregnancy. Most pot heads don't want any responsibility or to have to work a regular job or support children either, so he is avoiding any chance that he might have to grow up and live as an adult and parent rather than living like a stoned teenaged boy with no commitments and no responsibilities.

[sk22545]

Pot heads are notorious for being lazy, unambitious, junk food eating slobs whose sole function in life is amusing themselves and doing things that they see as being both fun and easy.

 

And his limp noodle could very well be related to his drug use, partying, and drinking.

 

 

She said he simply smokes weed, she didn't say how often or if he's even a pothead. I'm definitely not supporting Eveline and her boyfriend staying together, but you are being a bit dramatic and jumping to the worst possible conclusion about his character, Lavenderdove.

 

I know plenty of people who smoke weed and don't adhere to the lazy, unambitious stereotype.

 

Yes, there are the actual stoners who do fit your description perfectly. However there is such thing as being able to smoke weed recreationally and not having it affect your entire lifestyle.

 

In any case, Eveline and her boyfriend are clearly in two different places mentally and emotionally, which is a clear indication that she should end it.

[Eveline]

Thank you very much for your help. You're all saying it so right. I know Lavenderdove might sound harsh, but you are absolutely right in describing his character , and that he doesn't have anything to offer except from his problems. I slowly cannot enjoy our relationship anymore because my dissatisfaction has been growing bigger without me having noticed anything about it. We talked the other night and we decided to end our relationship. We both cried a lot and felt sorry that it couldn't work out. He's no bad person, we are just not compatible. However I couldn't help feeling frustrated because I have tried my best to accept and motivate him to become a better person, yet he just couldn't get the point why we have to do so many things in life which are less pleasant than just plainly amusing ourselves by doing things we like to do. It felt like I've just wasted my time and energy and love for the wrong person and yet not being thanked. Since I met him I almost forgot myself and had to switch my energy to helping him, and all I received was just rejection. Just another experience. I hope I will feel better soon Nd get back to my happy me before I met him. Thanks again for everything guys.

[Eveline]

Hi everyone, I need some advice again... So it has been 5 days since we broke up. I felt very sad at the beginning although I know for sure that everything is happening for the best and that I never want to go back to him again.

 

I'm feeling much better but very confused right now when thinking about what has been happening. On the day when we broke up, we went swimming with my little cousin and he came to me every minute to kiss me and told me he loved me. On the way home he still held my hands, hugged me and asked me if everything was okay because I looked quite sad ( I was considering the break up). One hour later when we were home, he suddenly broke into tears and said sorry to me, and that he still loved me so much but was not in love with me anymore. He didn't know when the feelings have gone away, probably for about 1 month or so while I was still in my home country ( I visited my home country for 6 weeks). It hurt me a lot because I asked him every now and then if he's happy with me and if everything's fine or so, and he said that he's 100% happy with me and that he did love me very much, over everything else. He said that he did not want to tell me right away because he did not want to hurt me and still wanted to try if he could find these "in love" feelings again, but now he is so sure that he's not in love with me anymore and that things will never work out between us, maybe because we are too different. I asked him for a reason but he just didn't know why. He said he felt like an idiot not to be able to love such a nice gf like me, and that I am the best and most beautiful gf he has ever had and he's so sure that he will never find anyone better. I myself felt like my feelings have been betrayed and he has been lying to me all the time. I decided to break up right away and told him that the same thing has happened to me and that I've been unhappy for a while and can't see where this will take us. However, my pride was like torn apart and I was very upset. It just happened out of the blue and I was so shocked, and I can't get it why he doesn't feel lucky to have me in his life and wanted to stay and change for me, because I'm ready to change for him. He told me that he never wants to lose me but I insist that maybe we should never see each other again. When he said goodbye, he kissed on my lips and cried. Why did he even do that to me when he's not in love with me anymore, I was so messed up!

 

The next day while he was at work I came to his apartment and took all my things back. 2 days later I realized that I still forgot some clothes at his apartment and wrote him if I can come over and take those things. He told me that he also saw that I forgot my things at his place and intended to bring them to the university on Monday for me as I'll be learning there ( but he didn't write me about that). On Monday I wrote him that I couldn't come, and that I can just come over anytime he's home and take those things back. He said he could come on Tuesday because he wants to learn, too, so don't worry. And today (Tuesday) morning he wrote me that he couldn't come and asked to come tomorrow. I don't know what's the deal here. I want to end everything quickly but he still wants to postpone it. And it just delays my healing process. I want to get over him so badly! My friends told me I shouldn't see him anymore and that they can take the things for me. I don't know if I should let them do that. I don't want him to think that I was so hurt that I cannot even face him anymore.

 

I don't know what's going wrong with me. I miss him but don't want to see him at the same time. I feel disrespected because he postponed our meeting twice ( it always happened when we quarreled that he postponed our meeting - the last time he told me that he needed time to sort things out in his head). I look forward to seeing him but want it to be soon over. I want us to be friends someday but at the same time never want to see him again. I feel rejected and denied although I have done my best, and everyday waking up I really feel very bad in my stomach. I mean, I know that everything is right, why am I still sad and miss him? I want to believe that he doesn't love me anymore but I have feelings that he still does. I used to be a very happy and independent girl and now I turned out to be so confused and sad. I want this to be soon over.

 

Could anybody help me figure things out? Thank you very much for your patience and help!

[lavenderdove]

He probably got a new shipment of ganga in and decided getting high was more fun than meeting up with you and giving you your stuff.

 

Unless your stuff was family hierlooms, just write it off. If he postpones again, tell him to put it in a sack at that exact moment and set it outside his front door and you'll come pick it up. If he's trying to avoid seeing you (or having you come inside his apt. for whatever reason--new GF, new BF, new drugs??) then asking him to set it outside his front door will resolve that problem since you won't have to see him or come inside his apt.

 

If he still won't do it, just forget the stuff and let it go and move on. You don't need a limp noodled pothead in your life messing with your head. You can do a lot better than that.