Needing advice

[luv546]

I moved to a new state in February and met this guy the same day I moved. We hit it off instantly and began texting and calling each other off and on all day every day. We found that we had so much in common that it was like we were twins. We fell hard and fast. Well he had been separated from his wife since October of the previous year. She had kicked him and his 12 year old daughter out. We'll she figured out we were talking and then she decided she wanted him back so she started making a stink. He chose to quit talking to me until he resolved things with her. Well a month or so went by and he got back in contact with me. He still hasn't divorced her but decided he missed me too much to not have me in his life. Well things started back where we left off. We were head over heels and we spent every moment we could together for the next few months. He was trying to get money together to get his divorce and we were talking about getting a place together. Me him and his daughter. I even got him a job at my place of employment. Well things were going great and as planned then all of a sudden his wife shows up again wanting to reconcile. Well he started talking to her and for about 3 weeks our relationship started getting more distant. Meanwhile I go to the dr only to find out I'm 11 weeks pregnant. I had planned a dinner date with him on a Friday to tell him. Well on the Wednesday before this he sends me a text telling me he has decided he wants to try to work things out with his wife. I meet up with him that day after work to talk about it and I go ahead and tell him about the pregnancy. He freaks out of course and leaves. I haven't heard from him since and that has been a week ago today. Do I get in contact with him or do I just wait it out and see if he gets in touch with me or what? I also want to know if I should contact his parents to see if they want to be in the baby's life if he doesn't? I am so lost and have no idea what to do now. I also don't know if he is going to tell the wife or just try to hide it and that's why he is avoiding me. What do I do?????

[mhowe]

You've never met his parents, so you should not be in touch. If you are putting him on the birth certificate, they will ultimately know they have a grandchild. However, it is very premature at this point.

 

Are you going to stay in the new state or move back home for family support?

 

Since he is still married, he clearly has no plans to jump from the frying pan into the fire.

 

You need to decide if you are having the baby, if so --- keeping it or putting it up for adoption.

[luv546]

I plan to keep the baby. And as far as birth certificate, I think will only put him on birth certificate if he makes effort to be in babies life before birth. I'm still confused on that one too.

[mhowe]

Well....he is still married. That is fact #1.

 

If you don't name him as the father, then you cannot go after him for child support. Something to think about.

 

Also, time to save some money for legal fees, because his wife is likely going to make you prove that it is his child.

[MisUnderstood9]

If I were you I would look at it this way -- are you planning on keeping the child? if yes, are you okay with raising and financially supporting the baby by yourself? if yes, who cares if he wants to be apart of the babies life or not... it's probably a complete shock to him right now thats why he stormed out and left. He thought this was going to be a clean break up and he could go back to his wife and now theirs a complication that he wasnt planning on and he's freaking out...

 

If he does reach out to you and say he wants to be in the babies life but not in a relationship with you are you okay with that? will you allow him to be a father even if he wants to be with his wife?

 

As for HIS parents... it's not your job to tell them, its his. If he has no desire to be apart of your childs life than there is no need to concern them.. all that will do is have his parent upset with him that he is disowning a child that is his... that could cause ALOT of issues for you as well as him....

 

I would just leave things be for now... let it all sink in for him. He'll reach out when he's ready and if he doesnt than consider yourself lucky because its going to save you alot of heart ache and lawyer fees in the future.

[SooSad33]

" He chose to quit talking to me until he resolved things with her."

- This is where you should have backed out.

 

Sadly, it sounds like what you two had was a 'rebound'. he was not over her..obviously.

Rebound do start out hard & fast and end much the same way.

 

Do not consider getting involved with anyone who is NOT yet divorced.

Was there a reason neither of you were using protection?

 

As mentioned.. he's most likely in shock. Don't go at him. He needs to let this all sink in.

 

You'll know eventually IF he's going to choose to be there when the baby arrives.. or not.

[luv546]

You're right soosad33. I should have used better judgment but it's too late for all that now. We didn't use protection because I was always told in my past I couldn't produce viable eggs to get pregnant. Tried for many years when I was married. So in a messed up way I feel like this all has happened for a reason. My biggest concern is having to tell my child his father wanted nothing to do with him. I can eventually handle being without him but my baby will be the one to suffer and I don't want that. I was adopted and I know how I felt when I first found out that my birth parents didn't want me. It was devastating. The only thing that helped me was knowing the people that did want me and love me. So If he chooses not to be a part I will do my best to let my child know they are loved no matter what.

[MisUnderstood9]

You dont have to tell your child that his father never wanted him -- if it goes down that path -- there are other ways to explain to your child what happened, if he/she ever asked. For right now, it's best to just let this sink in for him. Like I said before, he was expecting a clean break and this is now a complication he wasnt expecting... he is in shock. I am going to assume he more than likely he will come around and want to be apart of the childs life (since from the sounds of it he already have custody of his 12 year old daughter) but, be prepared for the wirlwind of mess this is going to cause with the wife and prepare to prove preternity as well.

[luv546]

I think I have another issue with all this. He is going to try to hide this pregnancy from the wife. Do I allow that or do I make sure she knows?

[mhowe]

Telling his wife will not bring him to you. He will deny it is his child and that you are crazy.