Am I overreacting? Or do I have a proper reason to be upset with my friends?

[Lexy83]

Hello everyone,

 

First of all, I can't believe I am writing this, I feel a bit like a teenager with friends' problem.. The thing is, the past few days have been a bit rough for me and I don't really trust my judgement with this. I could be overreacting because of some other issues, so I need your honest opinion.

 

One of my best friends, let's call her Ina, moved about an hour drive from here, up to the mountains, to live with her bf of 9 months. She also found a new job there. She still comes home very often and we see each other every time she comes. This weekend is her bf birthday, to which I have not been invited. For months she has been talking about this bd party, how it's gonna be an opportunity for me to see where she is living now, how her bf owns a weekend house where we could all stay etc. And now when I asked her about it she said: well, we are not gonna have a big party because we spent a lot of money on our new flat etc etc, only Ria is coming over.

 

Now, Ria is a friend who I met through her. We bonded a lot lately, especially since Ina moved away and Ria moved back home (before she used to live miles and miles away). Ria doesn't have many friends here so I always asked her out to join me and my friends. A few months ago it was her bd, but last minute she cancelled the party and went to these friends up the mountain alone and they partied there. We were not as close as we are now, but I still felt weird that she didn't invite me.

 

Am I being upset for nothing? While Ina was still here she was always staying at my house, I always paid for drinks, even though I only have a part time job and struggle with money, but that's just how I was raised to treat my guest, thinking that one day I will be invited over and they will be hospitable to me. Her bf also stayed at my house a few times because they had nowhere to go and be together. She even asked me if she can have her bd party at my place and I agreed. I cleaned the house before and after on my own, prepared drinks/food for her friends. I didn't mind it, since she was a good friend. But now I think... was I good enough to host her and her friends for her party, but not good enough for her bf party? I mean, the other girl is invited, even though they are trying to make it look like it's no big deal.

 

So they always party at my place, but twice there is a party at theirs and I am not invited? Should I say anything at all? and how to say it without sounding too pathetic? Apart from that she has always been there for me and I could always rely on her

[WithLove]

Why not just be honest? "It hurts my feelings that while I host your parties and do things for you, you aren't returning the favor."

[JGintheOC]

sounds like she's a user. But if you want to go, be direct. Say something.

[ParisPaulette]

Ouch, you need a better class of friends frankly. In this case you can only do one of three things:

 

a. You are direct and you say to both of them that it hurts your feelings that you are being excluded even though you hosted parties for them in the past. Expect them to get upset and defensive, because they already know that's a di** move on their part.

b. You say nothing, but do not invite or host any other parties or in any way, shape or form pay for anything for either of them from here on it. And if they are using you and expecting you to pay for everything they'll soon notice and drift away once they realize the bar tap, party wagon is closed due to their poor behavior.

c. You say nothing, continue to pay for and do things for them expecting some reward that never happens and continue to be used.

d. You find other friends who don't seem to expect you to overshare and overgive and then don't invite you to anything, which I find to be incredibly rude and in poor taste BTW. It's not the material issues, it's the principle of the thing. You had good manners and were generous with them, they should be so in return. And if they aren't you find friends who know how to be who were raised with the same ideals and manners you yourself possess.

 

The problem with giving excessively and overgiving (the drinks thing, letting a friend's boyfriend stay with you, doing all the party planning and preps even though it wasn't your party etc.) is that a) it sets you up to be taken advantage of by people who are users and who will never return any favors, because that's not who they are--they don't have manners and b) it makes people unconsciously start to feel guilty about everything you're doing for them, but if they aren't sufficiently aware and have decent manners they turn that guilt into distancing themselves from you rather than just doing the right thing and doing something nice for you. You see this in people who are not sufficiently emotionally healthy enough to put two and two together--if I feel bad about how much I've taken advantage of this friend I should just do something nice for her--and instead it becomes, "I don't feel good hanging around this friend." Or worse they start looking for reasons to justify why they feel bad around you without ever owning their own responsibility in the whole thing.

 

I long ago developed a rule with friends. I would do one nice thing for them and then they had to reciprocate in like before I would do another. And I still ask that my friends pitch in and/or that they pull their own weight in any joint endeavor. Throwing the party at your house, not a problem. I've done that a ton of times. Not asking your friends to help set up and pay for things for that party? Big problem. There's a huge difference between nice and doormat and nice does not mean you give away the store expecting some day to have the favor returned.

[Lexy83]

Well I never thought of her of using me. Ok the other girl, I don't know her for that long, but I always pay a round, than she paid a round etc... never a problem. With Ina... it used to be the same, it's only lately that this was happening. She was jobless for a while, so instead of going out we hung out at my place. Yeah, I had to buy wine, but that's only a few bucks and since I don't have much money either it was still cheaper than going out for me too.

 

And as I said, she was a good friend when I needed her so I would hate to think that she was just using me. This thing is really confusing...

Just to correct, for her bd party I didn't really pay for stuff... she bought some wine and a couple of snacks... but everyone knew i Had a lot of home made alcohol so they asked for it, also some guys were hungry and didn't feel like crisps so I took some stuff out of the fridge. Yeah it was her bd but I was still the host, couldn't really say no

 

It's really hard for me to admit I am hurt... but I think I should try to be honest in this case. I could go to another party on Saturday, it's not like I have nothing else to do.. it just hurt that she got invited and I didn't and they are trying to make it seem like no biggie. Even if I say something and she says I can come, I don't really want to come anymore, not if she didn't thjink of it in the first place

[WithLove]

Well, why don't you let the weekend pass, then talk to her about it next week? That way there's no pressure of an event coming up.

[Lexy83]

Ok so I texted her today something like this (translated): hey, I wasn't sure If I should say anything but I prefer to be honest. I think it's not very nice of you to not invite me to the BD party. We always partied at mine, you both stayed at mine before, I even hosted your BD party at my place (and I wouldn't have done this just for anyone), and now that it's Jon's bd party, you only invite Ria. I feel a bit used. Well, now you know, I still wish you good fun.

 

A bit afterwards she called me, but I coulnd't pick up cause I was doing my nails in the other room, so she texted me: hey, why are you not picking up? Call me so we can talk. I told you there was no party. Ria was supposed to come last weekend to see the flat but she bailed and I even got angry at her, so she decided to come this weekend, because we are not free next weekend. If Jon will have a party it will be in september at the weekend house, both a bd party and a move-in party thing.

 

Then she sent another on: For today, Jon didn't say anything to his friends, because there is no party - there is no money and no place here to host people. So I don't know where did you get this idea about a party from. You are always welcome here - especially for parties. SO maybe you understand there was a misunderstanding between you and Ria, maybe she mentioned his bd, but this weekend we don't have any plans for it. I am glad you told me this though - I really appreciate this. But you really don't have anything to be upset about, because I would never leave you out from something like this.

 

Well I am happy I told her... I knew there was no "party", not like a big one at his weekend house or anything... I imagined just them oging for a few drinks with friends. And I would be happy to be invited to just that.... even if they said: hey we are just gonna hung out at the local bar, you probably don't feel like coming all this way up here just for that, but If you want to join us you are welcome.

 

I am pretty sure they will go out and have fun though Luckily I made some nice plans too for tonight, but I still feel left out

[SophieGrace]

Glad it has a happy ending. Her response sounds very caring and considerate. Hope you finally texted her back and let her know how much you appreciate her friendship.