Don't understand my boyfriend...

[DropsOfJupiter]

Hi everyone. I just need some advice because I am confused. My boyfriend dislikes me showing too much skin, dressing sexy, or even accidentally showing off my body. He hates the idea of anyone else seeing me naked. In the past he calls girls who post naked or sexy pictures online as attention seekers & says that they disrespect themselves and that they are hussies, yet he watches porn and jacks off to naked pictures on porn sites, etc? How does that make sense? It's as if he doesn't like people he KNOWS doing that (example: me or friends of his) but he's okay with complete strangers online doing that? Does he think porn stars have no self respect? He confuses me. I used to post sort of sexy pictures online and when he found them he went nuts. They were old pictures. So he complains about me doing it, yet he looks at those pictures of other women? (Porn, glam models )

 

Can someone please explain what you think might be going on in his head?! Thanks.

[CraigHowes]

He is one a hypocrite because that logic makes no sense from what you've described.

 

Also he is trying to control and manipulate you because of his own insecurities. Set some personal boundaries and tell him that's not acceptable. Wear what you want and when you want! No one has the right to dictate what your allowed to wear. You are your own person and your not on this earth to live up to other people's expectations of you it's your life and you should wear whatever you feel comfortable in.

 

I mean it's not like your going around flashing your boobs in guys faces. This is his issue not yours and will only get worse if you don't rise up to it.

[SpottiOtti]

The one piece of advice I will give you is: Do not ever, ever, ever let a man you are dating dictate what you can wear. The only thing a man you are dating should ever say about something you are wearing is: "You look beautiful" or some variation thereof. Now, when you've been together a couple years and you ask if you look okay and he says, "Why don't you try the blue dress instead?" that's different. I hope you haven't already started questioning yourself about everything you put on, but if you have, strongly consider taking a step back and reclaiming your independence in this situation. It can get much worse than this, if you don't set boundaries. I hope you start wearing whatever you want to wear, and when he says something you tell him, "I will wear what I want, and I don't much appreciate your comments."

[Capricorn3]

My boyfriend dislikes me accidentally showing off my body. He hates the idea of anyone else seeing me naked..

 

I'm not sure I totally understand this. Can you clarify please how you "accidentally" show off your body?? Also, WHO else, besides your boyfriend, would see you naked?

[blueidealist24]

I'm not sure I totally understand this. Can you clarify please how you "accidentally" show off your body?? Also, WHO else, besides your boyfriend, would see you naked?

 

Yeah, if he's trying to tell you what to wear, he's overly controlling, but if you think you can post naked pictures online for tons of people to look at, and have him be ok with it, that's another story.

[marona]

I'll never understand what some women find appealing by these sexist kind of "bad boys"

[Man with Dog]

I'll never understand what some women find appealing by these sexist kind of "bad boys"

 

Quite honestly, I really wonder why women find any sort of "bad boy" appealing. I mean if you're that way in kind you could have a thing with them but many girls make the mistake of marrying them then moan that their hearts are broken. Us steady, predictable (boring???) guys might not be that exciting but who wants to ride a rollercoaster for the rest of their lives?

 

A question to you: Did you get your screen name from the "Clan of the Cave Bear" series of books? Just curious.

[JudgeNot]

If you find his views and perspectives clashing with yours, and you guys can't seem to find a common ground on this. You would either have to agree to disagree, and continue with the differences. Or call it off, for future disagreements. Personally, i am not one for dressing sexy, and don't post many pics of myself. So, rather sexy ones are out of the question. But if my boyfriend saw me dress inappropriately i would actually prefer him to say something, likewise my mother, and close friend to speak up as well. Each individual has their own preference. And there is nothing wrong with yours, it is just your boyfriend thinks otherwise. And if it is not something you are comfortable with then i suggest you confront him about the situation.

 

As for the comparison in porn, it is kind of an unjust comparison. I watch porn, doesn't mean i think it is okay to have that much sex, or i have to dress proactively, or have sex the way a particular porn star does. It is personal pleasure to each individual. For example, if you find a particular male celebrity hot, you wouldn't expect your boyfriend to look/act/dress like him. It is just there for visual appeal. Women in porn have a distorted view of sex, a lot of them have had sexual/physical/emotional trauma in the past. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you must stop finding other things appealing. There is a difference from being sexually appealing, and being beautiful.

[ParisPaulette]

Your BF has a double standard, meaning he sees women as madonnas and who$$es. I can't even begin to tell you how wrong that is. You're also describing the earmarks of an abuser with control issues who will escalate his behaviors toward being increasingly abusive and controlling of you. It isn't that he cares about your modesty, it's that he sees you as a possession and not a person. Women are objects for this man and that's a big red, huge screaming neon red flag. One you should be paying a whole lot more attention to. That he is contemptuous of women and belittles them to you, a woman, is another warning sign and a red flag. In essence he's admitting he hates women and that hate will be turned on you more and more.

 

Do the research on warning signs you're with an abuser and then decide what you want to do. But if it were me I'd leave. And then go live my life the way I want to and make sure to dump anyone who even breathes a word of, "I want you to wear this, not that/give up your family and friends/not work/not look men in the eyes/not go out of the house" and any other phrase or request that says, "I want to keep you behind locked doors where I can control you. You are my possession, not a human being with rights."

 

Yeah, I feel that strongly about people who do the things he's doing to you. And you should too.

[bulletproof]

I can see someone weighing in on you posting naked photos online simply because it's not a good idea career-wise, etc. But it's still your choice.

 

Regarding what you wear, he should not be dictating that. Nor should he be telling you what kind of photos you can post.

[itsallgrand]

I'd say there are ways to fish out if he is a 'baddie' outside of this issue. Does he have a history with choosing women that he can 'pick on' their behavior and he attempts to change them? Is he trying to change you? Or is he simply expressing a differing view?

 

I too think posting sexy pics online is poor judgment, and it would bother me if someone I was seeing was doing it. That doesn't make me abusive. What makes someone abusive if when they try to change you and bully you and manipulate you, to limit your world and take away your own power as a human being.

 

Having a differing opinion on something is different from abuse. I think you need to be clearer about what is going on here. What is 'going nuts'? What is 'accidentally showing off my body'?