confused about ex b/f

[bettymoonblue]

Hi,

 

I felt I had to join here and post about my dilemma. I split up with my ex b/f back in April. We'd known eachother for 9yrs. We met on a health forum online in 2005 as we both have the same chronic illness (we both have ME/CFS). However we got on and became an item in 2009. He lives in a different city to me though so it was hard as we didnt see eachother an awful lot, mainly chatted on Skype most nights. He'd come up here once every few months (energy permitting) or I'd go down to his city and we'd go for a meal and the cinema. He still lives with his parents and is from a Muslim background (I am not) and he didnt tell his parents about me.

 

We finally broke up in April when I told him that I felt our relationship was kind of meaningless, no talk of future etc .... he kind of agreed and said that I'd probably be better off with someone closer to me as he was too sick to keep travelling up to see me.

 

Anyway we continued to chat a bit on Skype but I decided to avoid him for a while, just to get over the break-up. Then a few weeks later we did end up chattng and he said "when we meet up again", and I said no, implying that I didnt think it was a good idea to meet up again. A little while later we were meant to chat again one night, and I was too tired so said I couldnt.

 

About a week later I messaged him on facebook to see if he wanted a chat and he was pretty unfriendly saying that he was spending less time on the computer as it was making him more ill, and so he wasnt around much to chat online. I'd seen him active on facebook though, so I didnt really believe him, so I challenged him about it, and he got really defensive accusing me of not believing him. I sent him a couple more messages asking him if he just wanted to say goodbye and for us go our separate ways, he didnt answer and then I sent him another one, saying something along the lines of "hey come on lets just talk, and resolve our differences, this is getting a bit ridiculous!". Then he deleted and blocked me from facebook! I was quite shocked (to put that into context he does tend to delete or block people quite readily when he finds them annoying, so in some ways I didnt take it personally, though of course it still hurt a lot. He still hasnt unblocked or friended me).

 

I sent him a quick email to say sorry that I'd hassled him to chat and if I'd stressed him out. He didnt reply to that. Then I sent him another email a few days later to ask him about some info that I needed that I thought he had on his computer. He did reply to that and was civil. About a week later I sent him one final email to ask if he wanted a brief chat with me and he didnt reply. So I left it at that

 

However, he didnt delete me from Skype (and I didnt delete him) and after a short while he started to appear on Skype, sometimes soon after I appeared available on Skype. He didnt message me though. I also know that he's gone to places where he thinks that I will be and one of his friends invited me for lunch, with my ex (in his city), yet I know for sure if my ex didnt want me there, he would have told his friend not to text and invite me! I know him so well I know he's done this deliberately, almost trying bump into me accidently. As for Skype its like he wants me to see him and for me to message him, but he will not message me!! I feel that I cant ask him again if he wants to talk, after he has ignored me when Ive asked him, and I feel the ball is in his court now. Yet at the same time I feel that I cant just let him go without one final chat after 9yrs. It feels traumatic as we have known eachother for so long and it feels such a shame for it to end on a bad note and what seems like perhaps a misunderstanding. Ive no idea why he went cold on me so I've no idea what hes thinking.

 

Sorry for such a long message, but any thoughts would be appreciated

 

thanks xx

[Edmund Exley]

Don't take to much stock in Facebook saying someone is active. My wife and I have beat that myth to death by shutting off phones and not being logged in anywhere and that little green "Active" lite still stays on.

 

I think its best you just leave him be.

[t1lersm0m1]

You sent an email to say sorry for bothering you. But the email is continued contact.

 

You grew distant and cold in order to deal with the break up. You are entitled to do that. However, he is entiteld to react to that however he chooses without owing you an explanation. He doesn't want to hear from you anymore. It's time to move on.

[bettymoonblue]

thanks for the replies. I was completely happy for us to go our separate ways and I had absolutely no intentions of contacting him again. As far as I was concerned it was all done and dusted.

 

What I am confused about is him suddenly appearing in places where I am (either online on various forums, or Skype or in reality), knowing that he will bump into me. I know him so well that I know that is *exactly* what he is doing. Why would he do that? Its very curious. It almost felt like he was stalking/shadowing me.

 

Re facebook, it wasnt the green light thing, it was info coming thru my newsfeed and on the ticker thing about things he was doing on facebook.

 

thanks again guys

[t1lersm0m1]

Who cares why he is showing up where you are showing up. Block him if it is puzzling you, then the problem is solved. The fact that you are wondering why he is doing this tells me you are not over this relationship.

 

You need to ask yourself why you even want to talk to a guy on skype that you broke up with?

[butterflyburn]

Honey long distance relationships are tough as hell and dating accross cultures too. I do not think you are compatible at all. You share an illness and not much more. Please let him go.

 

 

A luta continua

[SooSad33]

" I feel the ball is in his court now"

- Yes, it is and now YOU have to stop bothering him. You broke up with him and he's 'trying' to accept it and deal with it.

So, you can expect him to be cold towards you.

Chasing after him only makes it all worse!

 

IF he wanted to talk to you, he would.

 

"Yet at the same time I feel that I cant just let him go without one final chat after 9yrs. It feels traumatic as we have known each other for so long and it feels such a shame for it to end on a bad note and what seems like perhaps a misunderstanding. Ive no idea why he went cold on me so I've no idea what hes thinking."

- Leave it alone alone now.

1) you really can NOT be 'friends' with an Ex, unless or until those 'feelings' are gone.

2) he's gone cold because you two are now broken up. Don't expect much from him for a good while yet. Leave him alone. Maybe try for a 'hello' in a few months?

[bettymoonblue]

thanks for the replies everyone

 

Just to clarify a few things, I have not been "chasing after him", I dont know where that idea came from. It was a mutual break-up, it wasnt me breaking up with him. This all happened back in April so for 4 months I have just been getting on with my life, and have not attempted to contact him at all.

 

What happened was that we had chatted a couple of times *as friends*, AFTER we broke, up, and everything was fine. Then yeah he suddenly went a bit cold. It was then that I messaged him 2 more times on facebook just to see if he had wanted a chat, as we had already done, and then he defriended me. I completely left him alone then. It has been during these past 4 months that he keeps appearing in various places, online or in reality, I suspect in the hope that he might bump into me.

 

I suspect that, like me, he misses the friendship (we actually did have a lot in common besides the illness) and we were friends for several yrs prior to getting involved romantically, so its understandable. I am over the romantic side of the relationship, but it is the friendship I miss, and I guess that is why I was upset he defriended me. And Im also 99% that he misses the friendship too and that is why he keeps appearing in various places where he thinks I will see him or bump into him.

 

I was tempted to send him a message on skype when he was "available" just to say "hi" but I have not. I agree that if he wants to chat then he can message me. I guess he just seems to be acting in contradictory ways but I suppose people do that when it comes to emotional matters. Its not easy. I am sure we will chat again in the future. We did go through an awful lot of struggles together over the yrs and we were pretty close.

 

And I guess thats one of the morals of the story re getting romantically involved with a friend...it could work out really well, but when it doesnt work out, it does hurt because then you lose everything.

 

thanks to everyone who replied.