Those Hot 'n' Cold types

[chloelesliexo]

Sorry if this isnt in the right part of the forum!

 

As everyone always says, long story short, my ex was one of those hot and cold types (for any of you going through this at the moment, please read this, it really helped me: link removed)

 

He would be so amazing, saying I was perfect, the one etc etc and then the next week, get really cold feet.

 

We split 3 weeks ago but have had contact all along, he sent me flowers for my birthday yesterday but the day before said he had cold feet about us and didnt want to get backl together anymore.

 

We are total NC now and I dont miss him as much as I thought I would, if I sit and linger then of course, it hits me. But i'm coping. The bit that I'm struggling with, is I have these feelings, I feel for him. He appears to have none. He doesnt seem bothered by the fact we arent talking. I said to him that if he had cold feet then fair play, i'd leave him be. He just said "oh okay, bye bye"

 

He then said he'd let me know how he gets on at the doctors. I just replied saying "I'm your ex, your decision to make me your ex, I dont need to know about your doctors appointment. I hope you get better soon regardless."

 

Its possible that he thinks this is another one of my bouts of NC followed by me saying "I love you still" again. But I was wondering, will he ever think, damn, I was an idiot. A nice girl and I kept blowing hot/cold thinking she would keep playing my game?

 

Or was I that insignificant that I just get a "ok bye bye"

 

Note, just thought i'd add, if anyone has any advice for how to get past this questioning phase, it would be great. Its like i'm 2 different people, one part of me thinks " oh get on with it, you have cold feet then fine, you leave, i'll find someone that is 100% sure about me" and then the other half thinks " i cant believe he has cold feet about me, I want to feel like i meant something to him"

[annie24]

Run away fast!! Sends you flowers and then turns around and says he's not sure about the relationship? Talk about issues!! Run away and don't look back.

[ParisPaulette]

I was in one of those relationships for six years on and off before I finally ended it. What you will likely get is hearing from him periodically when he is lonely and has no else, has burned his bridges elsewhere, is bored that day or wants to know if he still has some control over you. And yes then he will say and possibly even really feel the whole "I was an idiot to lose you" kind of thing. It's just that you have to realize that feeling and those thoughts just as rapidly disappear when the next shiny object walks by or he has the validation he sought, that it will all zero out any feelings for you at that point. Until the next time. It may take years for him to reach back out or he may never reach back out if he gets enough ego boost or is able to engage someone else in enough drama to no longer need any with you, but chances are good he'll try to be back in touch or he'll be very happy if you reach out that you got in touch.

 

That's not the problem. The problem is he can't sustain the feelings long enough to form a normal long-lasting healthy relationship. And he likely never will unless maybe he decides he needs some therapy. But that's a long time coming if ever. LOL My ex still does periodically try to reach out to me and I ignore it. He's done the same thing with me to two women that I know of since and there are probably more. I don't care any more, because I fell in love with someone else who is sane and we have a real long-lasting commitment. I long ago gave up the need for toxic relationships and the whole hot/cold thing is definitely toxic.

 

Do what I did, block and delete this guy, heal and then move on with your life. And never let him back in, not even for the sake of nostalgia or anything else. I did once respond to my ex whose mother was in the hospital with a simple, "I'm sorry, tell her I hope she gets to feeling better." He proceeded to blow up my phone and then be nasty to my SO when he answered the phone for me as if he had any right to get upset that I was with anyone else. So blocked and deleted him all over again and will continue to do so. Seriously I think there are mental and/or emotional issues with people who do this sort of thing and it's not something anyone but them will ever be able to change. Heal and move on.

[chloelesliexo]

Thank you so much for your experience

It's like a roller coaster isn't it, you feel like the happiest girl in the world then the saddest, it's awful

 

Do you think your ex had real feelings for you? Or was it just some game for him?

 

That's what I'm struggling with, I feel now like I didn't actually mean anything, I was just an ego boost or a play thing.

 

From what I can tell he's done it his whole life, from what I can make out he has always been very closed off and due to a bad childhood scared of getting close to anyone. When he starts to he ends up doing this.

[Man with Dog]

I think he'd be a good match for Aeropro's ex (see thread below). May they play games with each other and live happily ever after!

[ParisPaulette]

When you say real feelings, well as real as they can be. Like I said I don't think it's that they fake the whole thing, it's just that something is broken that lets a person sustain feelings. Hot and cold types just do not interact in a normal way with others, they just don't for whatever reason. My ex had a loving, supportive family that over-catered to him so I don't think a bad or good childhood is the reason they do what they do necessarily.

 

And regardless of why they do it does that really matter in the face of them doing it and you knowing it will never change? At some point the need for consistency becomes the greater need. I remember the highs and lows, but I don't think they're healthy although yes they can be addicting. It's why I don't do drugs, it's why I don't really drink beyond the occasional margarita. It's why I no longer associate with hot/cold types as lovers, friends or even clients or bosses. Love me, hate me, be indifferent, I don't care, but do it consistently and not all three within a day where I never know what's coming next.

[JGintheOC]

Men who don't treat people correctly are just naturally selfish insecure people with communication issues. Unsure of what they want until they need it and realize they lost it and wont get it back.

 

I had an ex like that when I was younger. He was what I call a serial monogamist. Was in relationship after relationship - claims he had 13 ex gfs (each lasted on average 3-6 months) and he was barely 21 and the only one that lasted longer than that he was with 3 years and wanted to marry him but she said no and cheated on him and etc. By the time he got to me he even admitted I was the only gf that a) had similar interests b) wasn't verbally or physically abusive but yet he treated me the worst. He broke up with me twice in 6 months for stupid reasons...not worth breaking up for. But after 6 months after we broke up he emailed me (cause he didn't have my number anymore and didn't remember where I lived as he put it lol) and asked if I could call him. By calling him he naturally thought I was taking him back and I had an inkling feeling that was the case so in the middle of conversation I said:

 

Me: You do realize I'm not taking you back

Him: You're not?

Me: Uh no, you screwed up...etc etc.

 

And then he didn't know what to say...said he would talk to me later. Didn't call me for another 6 months was indirectly trying to get me back and by then I graduated college had my own place...was moving up in the world and he was still in the same situation he was in 2 years prior. Eventually he stopped bugging me and met some chick who followed him around like a puppy dog who he broke up with her after 6 months to a year...he eventually crawled back to her like always. They ended up getting married and all that stuff and eventually I think he grew up now that we're in our 30s. He has a kid now, he's a much different man now and it took getting a career and buying a house with her and having a kid for him to realize what really matters and how he should actually be treating people.

 

Looking back, I'm glad we didn't date longer than we did. Even though he's grown up now...his decisions that he's made in his life and his interests are things that are totally not my cup of tea. He wouldn't be the type of person I would click well with. So I'm glad he's with whoever he's with and how he grew up.

 

But anyway he reminds me of your ex LOL. Such dummies!

[itsallgrand]

The more time and space you put where you are determined that this is over, where you are working on moving on, the easier it will get and the less questioning you will have.

 

He didn't treat you as you needed. He didn't make you feel consistently like you are loved, cared about, important to him.

 

You'll go through ups and downs, that is natural. Sometimes you might get angry, sometimes you might feel sad, sometimes you will feel fine, even invigorated and pumped up about your new life without him.

 

You just need to keep remembering what it comes down to. That he can't give you what you want. That he isn't the man for you.

 

Did he care, or were you a plaything? Probably some of both. Can he really care with that set of behaviors, that set of thinking, in the way that you know caring can be like? Naw; it's a more puddle level of caring. But it's what he knows and lives in.

 

So it's not personal. Even though it goes right to your heart. It's not personal.

 

You know that feeling when you are with people who really show you they care, you know it, it goes to your bones and surrounds you with love? Yeah. Life with him won't have that.

 

So in a way, it's like missing something that you don't even really want. Not saying that makes where you are easy; but recognizing that can be liberating. When you start to miss it, or wonder about how he has felt for you, remember that! The longer you hold on to wondering about him, the longer you won't be available for what you really want.