I love him but is it over?? what can i do? please help!!!!!

[Nicky M]

my boyfriend and i have been together just over 2 years and lived together for about a year and 4 months of that.

 

everything was really good. we moved in togteher and it was perfect. admittedly i ended up doing pretty much everything for him (washing,ironing,cleaning,tidying,cooking etc) but he has always been very very appreciative of it as he works about 14 hours everyday.

 

just over a week ago he sat me down and said he feels the relationship has become flat. he doesnt look forward to his time with me anymore and he didnt know what he wanted anymore. I asked him to explain and he said he felt i am not happy as i seem miserable a lot and then said he thinks we are together for the wrong reasons but wouldnt elaborate. so he said he needed time to think about what he wanted.

 

I read the whole elastic band relationship theory thing in that he was pulling away so i let him and although we live iin the same flat, i have given him his space to do his own thing but still been pleasant to him. he started to come around and started coming to me to cuddle me etc. i told him if he wanted to talk i was here to listen but no pressure.

 

He brought it up last night and asked what my thoughts were on it all. i said i love him and i want to be with him and we could make it work but things would have to change, i need to do more for myself and be more independent away from him so i could have my own life and not just do everything for him. i said i thought this would make me happier and that would have a positive impact on our relationship. i just said i need him to decide what he wants. he just said he still didnt know. he said he loves me and cares about me and the last 2 years have been incredible and he wouldnt change a thing. he said he wanted me to know whatever the outcome good or bad he would always love me and be there for me. But he said at the age we are at and after a 2 years relationship he needs to know whether this relationship is right and that we are right for one another as he doesnt want to waste my time if it isnt right.

 

Im just so confused... does he want me or doesnt he?! what do i do??? i am going to london tomorrow for 3 days and think this space will help as i dont intend to contact him so we can both think. But what do i do?? does it seem its over?? is he confused (i am)?? is he having cold feet about committing to me??

 

Please please help... any advice would be so great. im just so confused and upset by this. the worst part is he is being very kind about it which makes it harder!!

 

thanks anyway,

nicky

[mhowe]

Why are you together? What would he perceive as the "wrong" reasons?

[greta96]

I think moving in together so quickly and then you taking the role of a maid has put a damper on the relationship. You two rushed through the courting stage, rushed through the honeymoon stage, and jumped into the kind of relationship that should only exist after marriage. No wonder his level of attraction dwindled, because as much as men like it when women take care of them and spoil them, they start seeing them more as mother figures or maids, the comfort sets in fast, and routine settles in.

 

I don't know if you can bring the spark back into this relationship, but I think you should definitely take a few steps back, get your own life, be more independent and stop playing the role of a maid. If I were you, I'd move out and revert to simply going out on dates with him, see if that works.

 

And in your next relationship try to take your time. There is no rush, no need to take shortcuts, enjoy the dating and new relationship stages and even when things to progress to the point of moving in together, a year or 2 down the road, don't do everything for him, divide the chores equally.

[MikNomis]

He feels married and he probably does not wish to feel that way yet. The relationship has become monotonous and stale. He needs a spark in his life. He probably feels that at least a tiny bit when he sees or talks to another girl. And so it's got him thinking.

[t1lersm0m1]

We can't tell you if he wants you because he doesn't know himself. All you can do is give him time. But definitely work on yourself like you've said. Work on forming a life of your own, so that he is not your everything. I believe in planning for the worst while hoping for the best. But don't get stuck in that hope and spend months or years waiting. Take the focus off of your relationship and him (which I know probably feels darn near impossible) and find a way to put the focus on you and things you can do to improve your life.

[ThatwasThen]

my boyfriend and i have been together just over 2 years and lived together for about a year and 4 months of that.

 

everything was really good. we moved in togteher and it was perfect. admittedly i ended up doing pretty much everything for him (washing,ironing,cleaning,tidying,cooking etc)

You know when you treat someone like they are your child that is incapable of doing these things themselves, they start to view you like you're their mother and who wants to be having sex and in a relationship with someone that they perceive to be their mom? Mind you, all this is thought about sub-consciously but it's all thought about (at times and with some)

 

but he has always been very very appreciative of it as he works about 14 hours everyday.

Who did it all for him before you and he started to interact as mother/child?

 

just over a week ago he sat me down and said he feels the relationship has become flat. he doesnt look forward to his time with me anymore and he didnt know what he wanted anymore. I asked him to explain and he said he felt i am not happy as i seem miserable a lot and then said he thinks we are together for the wrong reasons but wouldnt elaborate. so he said he needed time to think about what he wanted.

Are you "miserable a lot?" Do you feel like his mother? (or his maid?)

 

Do you have an outside the home job? If not, why not? You're acting "miserable" (according to him) and he's acting bored with his house cleaner? Time to change it up and do follow up on that plan of getting your own independence. When you're an interesting person in general, then others tend to find you interesting. You're both too young to be in this taken-for-granted rut you've found yourself in. When is the last time the two of you went out on an actual romantic date or over-nighter or had a game night together where the telly was off and the music you both enjoy on while you interacted one-on-one as if you both were the total focus of one-another? You can't stop courting one another just because you're in a relationship now. It's a mistake lots of young people these days make that leads to this "boredom" and the ridiculous "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" mentality.

 

I read the whole elastic band relationship theory thing in that he was pulling away so i let him and although we live iin the same flat, i have given him his space to do his own thing but still been pleasant to him. he started to come around and started coming to me to cuddle me etc. i told him if he wanted to talk i was here to listen but no pressure.

Although putting "no pressure" on someone is never a bad thing. I think it is in this situation. You can't just do nothing but not pressure one another and keep the status quo... doing that will just cause the two of you to drift even more emotionally apart from one another. You have to re-work the relationship to be closer to what you both desire in a union. New relationship energy is only good for a while (the honeymoon period) and its up to us as a couple to keep the fun, excitement and happiness without the relationship going belly up by being pro-active in continuing to court one another to keep things humming along nicely and for a lifetime with your LIFEmate.

 

He brought it up last night and asked what my thoughts were on it all. i said i love him and i want to be with him and we could make it work but things would have to change, i need to do more for myself and be more independent away from him so i could have my own life and not just do everything for him. i said i thought this would make me happier and that would have a positive impact on our relationship. i just said i need him to decide what he wants. he just said he still didnt know.

Then if he doesn't know what he wants then it's up to you to tell him what you want and then work together to make it happen. We mirror one another in life and we put back what we are getting from others so work on that independence and all the date-like activities you need to maintain to keep your relationship humming and see if what you want is what he wants too. Put out the loving, positive vibes and if the foundation is there, then the emotional connection will be reborn.

 

He may love you but "love" is NEVER enough to keep a relationship together. You're finding that out because you love him too but it's not humming along nicely.

 

Please please help... any advice would be so great.

I hope what I had to say helps you with some strategies. I've been with the same man for 30+ years now and we didn't stay happy by being complacent and by me being his "mom" with no interesting qualities other then my ability to keep his home and underwear clean.

[SooSad33]

Hi Nicky,

 

Yes, this sounds like GIGS... (Grass is greener).

". i just said i need him to decide what he wants. he just said he still didnt know. he said he loves me and cares about me and the last 2 years have been incredible and he wouldnt change a thing. he said he wanted me to know whatever the outcome good or bad he would always love me and be there for me. But he said at the age we are at and after a 2 years relationship he needs to know whether this relationship is right and that we are right for one another as he doesnt want to waste my time if it isnt right. "

 

he seems to be feeling 'curious' on what else may be out there and possibly may be feeling his 'feelings' have changed a bit?

Which is why he's speaking up.. and has probably been thinking on this fo a little while, already.

 

Yes, give him his space now...

If they dont have those 'feelings' anymore.. not much we can do from this end, sadly

 

Give him time to think & you do the same.. Get ready to accept he does want this break... whether it be for a cpl months... or.. who knows?

 

Sorry, tc