No love, no commitment

[LilyMarie]

So, I recently broke up with a guy after 10 months together who, after I told him I loved him said, "I don't tell people I love them," and "I don't do commitment." I feel fairly certain that I did the right thing, but I guess I'm here because we all need a little validation, and I don't want to keep telling my friends the same stories over and over again.

 

This man and I began a relationship after knowing one another for one month as friends. We had a seemingly normal relationship - a few fights but nothing major, had a lot in common, spent a lot of time together. By the time of the break up, we were practically living together. I did get annoyed at a few things during the relationship - he was often late, had a tendency to cancel or try to back out of plans, didn't introduce me if he ran into people on the street that he knew, had a female friend that he refused to tell he had a girlfriend. Looking back, these seem like major red flags, but, honestly, at the time, they seemed like personality quirks, and he always had good excuses. For example, it was hard to get mad at him when he canceled plans because we spent so much time together that it seemed like an ordinary desire to be with friends. The thing is - I never had a problem with him hanging out with friends without me. What I had a problem with was, "I'm on my way over to help with xyz," followed by, "Oh, actually so and so just asked me out for a drink so I'm going to do that instead."

 

Nonetheless, I forgave all of that. Like I said, we were practically living together. I had met nearly all of his family and friends (apart from the random encounters on the street). We had gone on vacation together. We had talked about officially moving in, moving away together, starting a business, etc.

 

We had never exchanged "I love you"s, but I wasn't really worried -it didn't seem like it had been that long. When I finally said it to him, after 10 months, I felt pretty safe in doing so - we were completely intertwined with one another's lives. Then, suddenly, he drops the "I don't say that" line, the "I don't do commitment" line, and when I tried to talk to him about it, he essentially refused. Like, he agreed to talk, but then just sat there in silence. I tried three or four times but got basically the same result except that sometimes, he'd just sigh loudly and roll his eyes. During this time period (about a week), he also started saying randomly jerky things to me when we weren't talking about this stuff - teasing me about an abusive ex of mine, saying he "understands" sexual harassment if the women are attractive, saying all humans are inherently selfish. It was bizarre - these were opinions he had never expressed before. I finally just broke up with him, and then he said it was unfair because I had been demanding marriage (no, I hadn't even mentioned it except in response to something he had said) and he doesn't know where he is with his career and can't commit in this situation.

 

Ok, well, writing this all down seems to re-affirm for me my decision to break up, but I'd still love a little affirmation if it's out there. This was a bad situation, right?

[valerie25]

Yes, it's good that you got out of it. If he can't commit, you should not be waiting for him but take care of your own happiness and future. Better to split now than waste more time and become bitter.

[annie24]

I don't blame you for breaking up!! If his answer after 10 months together is "I don't do committment" - well, there you go. Good to know now. Sorry you had to deal with this.

[No1]

You did the right thing. You can not change how he thinks. This is the type of guy who has built a wall up to prevent himself from getting hurt. Without love, without commitment then I cant get hurt. And since you are the one who left in his little mind you validated his thought process.

This is his issue and not yours. I would of done the same thing. But in the end you had fun, some good times, now time for you to go find someone who is more emotionally available than this guy.

[Ms Darcy]

All that shows is what you should be looking for to AVOID next time. Yikes.

 

You made the right decision.

[LilyMarie]

Thanks for the support! As much as I feel like this was the right way to go, I can't stop feeling a little regret so it's very helpful to hear that other people would have done the same thing.

[No1]

Dont regret it, you deserve better than what he was willing to give.