One Year Later... Still Depressed. How long did it take you all?

[SB1]

It's been almost one year since my break up and I still feel I'm in a really bad place. I still have to avoid seeing all of our mutual friends (and him) and still cry at least once a day and spend hours per day thinking about him. He, on the other hand, has completely changed his life and has been dating a girl for a year now... Why am I STILL upset? When I look at him now all I see is a stranger and I don't want him back. Part of it could be to do with the fact that I'm unemployed and so have a lot of free time to think about him...

[panther]

Oh definetly, being unemployed is not helping. Can you do voluntary work? Animal shelter, at church, at a hospital, anything to keep you busy?

Are you actively searching for a job? That should keep you busy too. If you find a new job, you will be excited about it and busy and it will distract you from your pain.

What can you do to start being busy?

[CraigHowes]

Quite easily what you focus on grows and intensifies to the point where you are consumed by the thoughts. Does this sound familiar?

 

It's the same aspect with any part of life your brain becomes hardwired to that thought and makes a strong connection to it.

 

The solution start breaking the link by setting goals and new things to focus on. This could be fitness goal, job goals, joining a new social club, exploring the countryside. Literally anything that will get you out of your head.

 

Once you start doing this your brain will realise the change and your connection to your ex will start to dwindle.

 

Freedom comes when you let go of whatever doesn't serve you. Your ex is your past and the future is your freedom so start working towards that.

 

Hope this helps.

[t1lersm0m1]

I used to do horribly in break ups. Even the break up of short term relationships. I read an article that when you have a hard time letting go of a relationship, it's not usually the relationship, it's something in you. If you are still obsessing about him a year later, I think that means you have work to do on yourself. You need to take the focus off of him and put it on yourself. Fill your unemployed time with activities, read books, take a class, go out for a hike, meet up with friends.

 

I isolate when I'm depressed. If you are isolating, stop doing that. It hurts more than it helps.

 

I know it seems terribly overwhelming, but the sooner you start focusing on you and taking the focus off of him and the relationship, the better you will feel.

[panther]

I read an article that when you have a hard time letting go of a relationship, it's not usually the relationship, it's something in you.

 

I think this is absolutely true. Yet it is sometimes very difficult to make changes in yourself. This takes time and sometimes only years later you look back and see how much you improved your life.

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm a living breathing example of this. I dated a wonderful man in 2012 for two months. But I had horrible self-esteem. I pushed him away, then went crazy and it took me six months to get over him.

 

This year I dated a man for six months. Another great guy. We were still in contact after the break up as friends to "see where things go". It was causing me insecurity, but NOTHING like the way I felt in 2012. I did MUCH better in this break up. I am now taking the time to work on me before I consider dating again.

 

I think this is absolutely true. Yet it is sometimes very difficult to make changes in yourself. This takes time and sometimes only years later you look back and see how much you improved your life.

[eskimobobseal]

You may just feel sad because he is in a happy relationship and moved on from you, while you're still gushing over him and crying about him. Try and date others, grow as a person, spend more "you" time and you'll feel better. After one year - it should be time to forget about everything. You seem like a very loyal and loving person so you'll have absolutely no problems finding someone, but you need to at least try - instead of mourning something that's been dead for a year.

[No1]

Could be a lot of reasons why you are still suffering. Here, pick one: You could be throwing yourself a pity party. The feeling of sadness in some way still connects you to him. You have not accepted that the relationship is over, you have not let go of him, you are in complete denial that he is gone and just waiting for him to come back. You have resigned thinking this girl is better than you so why even bother. You fear that making yourself happy is letting go of your X and that would seal the deal and close the door on him forever. You have constant reminders of him in your living area, you like to torture yourself, you have a fear of being single and thinking of him is a form of comfort that brings sadness right after. Afraid that if you move on your X will not find you. Go ahead and pick one or just be honest with yourself and state why you are feeling like this. Your esteem is in the toilet and figured if this guy didnt want me, then no guy wants me. You are holding on to past promises, everything he ever said to you you are keeping close to your heart and wondering how he could of lied. You have given up.

In most cases one knows why they are chaining themselves to their X. Some reason you have not let go of the relationship (I think) Like a fear that if you let go the one last string that connects you to him that the best moments of your life will just fade away and you desperately want to hold on to that. What you are doing is holding your thumb on your favorite page of a book thinking that if you move the thumb you will never ever find that page again. You are doing this with your love life. You have your thumb on this chapter afraid of letting go. Im telling you that its okay to let go.

By letting go you are not letting go of the wonderful memories, you are letting go of the relationship. You are saying have a great life and its time for me to live mine. Being unemployed does not help Ill admit. You have way too much time on your hands to sit and dwell over what could of been. The only person in this world that controls your happiness is you. I dont control it, neither does your best friend, or your family members. Its you.

Getting over a heartbreak is a mindset. You have to stand up and dust yourself off and say Okay, lets see what is out there. Instead you are doing laps in your own pity pool wondering why you are not feeling better. At some point you have to stop. Will today be that day? If you have anything that reminds you of your X and I mean anything then you throw them away. You have placed this weight, this burden for the both of you. You said, no baby, Ill take the blame for the relationship and you have been carrying this cross for a while meanwhile he is out there all happy. Dump the weight... the relationship has long been over and it does not matter who is at fault, doesnt matter what was said the promises he made or you made, all that must be thrown out because it no longer matters.

Today, you quit crying over this man. You take back your happiness.

[pfbsurf]

I"ve said it before - The past can be addictive.

 

You need to start making a new past that is somehow more compelling, and that only happens by getting out of your comfort zone.

 

If you are unemployed, you have some downtime - volunteer, see friends/family, exersize, pick up a new hobby - all this can be done while lookign for a new job.

 

Totally transform yourself. You can do it. Or, at least while you are trying to do it, good things will happen and you will be creating the new "past" that you will look back on some day.