I'm hurting so bad

[love1985]

I just ended a dating relationship of 5 months last night. Mostly because we were o. Two totally different pages emotionally. I was ready for a commitment and he said he didn't know when he would be. How do I heal from this? Any help would be much appreciated.

[greta96]

You did the best thing you could have done. If after 5 month he still wasn't sure about committing to you, then he was never going to be.

It will hurt for a while, but you will heal. Cliché but time does heal wounds...and knowing deep inside that you did the right thing and didn't allow yourself to waste any more of your time on someone who didn't care enough to know whether he wanted to give up his "freedom" to be with you and try a relationship with you should really help.

[Anobody]

It's probably a good thing that you ended it. If you don't know if you should commit to somebody after 5 months, then why be with them?

I know it hurts, trust me do I know. But give it time. Try not to see him everyday. Keep your distance from him for awhile. And I promise you after some time, it will get better. Be strong.

[faraday]

Go no contact. Block him on everything, including your phone. When you get sad, think about him saying, "I'm not sure I want to be with you." and know that there are tons of men who would love to be your bf. They won't be frugal with their time, love and affection towards you. He's out there.

 

You made the right call. The last guy...he wasn't your the one. Go be with your friends. Take up new hobbies. Join a class. Volunteer. Go to the gym. Learn how to make ice cream.

 

Do whatever calls to you. Make yourself the best version of you...so that when you do meet the right guy, you'll be ready for him.

[love1985]

Thanks guys. It's been a tough blow to handle. I guess i have to give myself time which means dealing with the pain until it subsides.

[newgirlhere]

I just ended a dating relationship of 5 months last night. Mostly because we were o. Two totally different pages emotionally. I was ready for a commitment and he said he didn't know when he would be. How do I heal from this? Any help would be much appreciated.

 

I have a weird approach to this - but I also had a situation wherein my definition of commitment and the guys' definition was different, but we were actually on the same page. So I need more: were you exclusive? Were you basically in a relationship without the label? What were his reasons?

 

I think, especially in forums on ENA, there is kind of a quick knee-jerk reaction to the 'HE WON"T COMMIT AFTER_____ AMT OF TIME" issue. I have been finding more and more that the label is unnecessary if what you have is solid, and exclusive, and baaasically a relationship that is growing. were there other reasons to end this?

 

If it was more that he wants to keep his options open and was dating around, then I understand ending this, but to be completely honest - at 5 months of dating someone, I have also hesitated to call him MY boyfriend just yet even if we were for sure exclusive. The label holds a lot of heavy meanings, and some people look at 'commitment' as being a very brief period before engagement.

 

Just curious about the back story. If there was really something there between you and a sense of it growing/ being loyal, I hope you didn't just end things because that's what everyone always says to do. It sounds like there must be more to this. In any case, you will be OKAY no matter how this story goes.

[love1985]

We were suppose to be exclusive. When I asked him he said that he didn't know when he would be ready because he doesn't give his heart to just anyone. And of his past three relationships, none of them can say they've ever had his heart. He was guarded which did not give me a fair chance. I loved him he was just there with no tap into his emotions. He said he never wanted to put himself in a predicament that would allow someone to distract him if they left. He said that i jumpes the bridge while he was at the top looking down in uncertainty. He said that he was scared of what he would do it we commit. Meaning we commit get intimate and then he withdraws. I met him on a dating site and when I asked him why did he even join he said because it was something to do. So hopefully this gives you more context.

[newgirlhere]

Ah ok, I understand.

 

To me, exclusivity implies relationship - and needing a label tends to just put a damper on things/ pressure what is already there.

 

HOWEVER, if his emotions were out of it and you simply didn't feel the connection/affection/being into you stuff -- then f that. Seriously. I've definitely stayed past needing a label once exclusivity was decided upon with a guy, but not if I didn't feel like we were crazy about each other and growing closer.

 

You made the right call. Go find someone who you feel adores you as much as you adore him!! It will be awesome.

[love1985]

Ah ok, I understand.

 

To me, exclusivity implies relationship - and needing a label tends to just put a damper on things/ pressure what is already there.

 

HOWEVER, if his emotions were out of it and you simply didn't feel the connection/affection/being into you stuff -- then f that. Seriously. I've definitely stayed past needing a label once exclusivity was decided upon with a guy, but not if I didn't feel like we were crazy about each other and growing closer.

 

You made the right call. Go find someone who you feel adores you as much as you adore him!! It will be awesome.

The funny thing is that when we first started talking he said he was looking for a wife. Not fast forward and the cute text stopped, future plan talks ceased, he would still spend the night and talk to me everyday but it wasn't as affectionate as it was before. So that made me hesitant for a while and then after the talk I felt like he just wasn't emotionally available. I appreciate his honesty at that moment but it wouldn't have been fair to me in my opinion. Problem is that I loved him and he wasn't even close to feeling the same. So I'm stuck with the hurt and tears.

[newgirlhere]

The funny thing is that when we first started talking he said he was looking for a wife. Not fast forward and the cute text stopped, future plan talks ceased, he would still spend the night and talk to me everyday but it wasn't as affectionate as it was before. So that made me hesitant for a while and then after the talk I felt like he just wasn't emotionally available. I appreciate his honesty at that moment but it wouldn't have been fair to me in my opinion. Problem is that I loved him and he wasn't even close to feeling the same. So I'm stuck with the hurt and tears.

 

Listen, let yourself have the hurt and the tears, but also give yourself a thick enough skin to recognize the most important thing: It doesn't matter how he felt - if you felt that lack of connection in the end, he was not what you need for a long term relationship. Five months is a great amount of time to figure out what you can really have with a person - and what you can't have. That's why I get frustrated when people put a cap on 'whether or not he'll commit' if he isn't calling you 'girlfriend' by month two, but there's clearly something growing. If something is right, it doesn't need labels - it hardly even needs much discussion, and you wouldn't feel the shift that you felt.

 

How much more fun would it be to love someone who loves you back?? That's out there. Right now, stop thinking about how much you miss him - as soon as your mind forms those words 'I miss him' laugh it off, shake it off (I've literally physically shaken my head when I've done that in the past - like 'no! get off me!'). Stop focusing on the 'love' - and recognize that this was short-lived enough that when you are finally in the right relationship, you'll look back and probably smile and think about how silly that all was.

 

Not that love is silly. But unrequited love is not tragic. It's just freeing you from something that will never have a place in your life.

 

Good for you for moving on from it into a time where you will undoubtedly find the right love for you.

 

And btw, no matter how he 'seemed' in the beginning, he was always the way he is now and was at the end. Nothing happened to make him feel less for you. It's just that at the beginning, the stakes are much lower and people can be 'courageous' about things they aren't REALLY ready for. That's not to say that another man won't say those things early on too - it's just that the right man won't ever take them back or change the story.

[love1985]

Good advice. I just hate how it ended. I never thought about the fact that he was masking the real him upfront. It's going to take time to get use to not getting his morning text or calls off work or spending the night at my apartment. I truly appreciate the advice. Just wish I didn't have to type this at all.

[AutumnBorn]

I just ended a dating relationship of 5 months last night. Mostly because we were o. Two totally different pages emotionally. I was ready for a commitment and he said he didn't know when he would be. How do I heal from this? Any help would be much appreciated.

 

Wow…five months? My rule is one year until commitment, two years for a ring. Five months seems sort of fast.

[love1985]

Wow…five months? My rule is one year until commitment, two years for a ring. Five months seems sort of fast.

Sorry by 5 months you know if you have a future or not with someone. 1 year you just trying to see what's out there.

[weathergirl]

Sorry by 5 months you know if you have a future or not with someone. 1 year you just trying to see what's out there.

 

That may be true for you love1985, but not everyone (men or women) are on that same timetable. My boyfriend and I didn't agree to "commit" until 9-10 months. Even then, we never really felt the need to discuss it. We just sort of fell into it naturally (and gradually), and after 10 months, I was practically living at his place and it was then that we BOTH realized "hey this is serious!"

 

I don't think your boyfriend did anything wrong per se. It's not his fault he wasn't ready to "commit" to you. Perhaps when he first met you, he was probably on a bit of a "high" which is pretty typical, and he said some things that you interpret now to be misleading.

 

Just my opinion, but when that happens, it's up to you (or any woman) to realize that when a man says these things to you very early on, it's probably best not to give them too much weight as, again, he is on a bit of a "high."

 

I completely agree with newgirlhere. I realize you fell in love with him and that it hurts, and I am not trying to minimize that, but when newgirlhere wrote this (below) I think she is right on!

 

>>Not that love is silly. But unrequited love is not tragic. It's just freeing you from something that will never have a place in your life.

 

Good for you for moving on from it into a time where you will undoubtedly find the right love for you.

 

And btw, no matter how he 'seemed' in the beginning, he was always the way he is now and was at the end. Nothing happened to make him feel less for you. It's just that at the beginning, the stakes are much lower and people can be 'courageous' about things they aren't REALLY ready for. That's not to say that another man won't say those things early on too - it's just that the right man won't ever take them back or change the story.

[love1985]

His timeline kept fluctating. He said he never gave his heart to any of his past girl friends. I wasn't asking for marriage I was just asking for commitment to boyfriend and girlfriend. I do miss him and wish we could work it out but I think the damage is done. I still believe in 5 months you should know if you see a future or not. To also say you don't want to commit and then withdraw is a bit concerning for me.

[weathergirl]

His timeline kept fluctating. He said he never gave his heart to any of his past girl friends. I wasn't asking for marriage I was just asking for commitment to boyfriend and girlfriend. I do miss him and wish we could work it out but I think the damage is done. I still believe in 5 months you should know if you see a future or not. To also say you don't want to commit and then withdraw is a bit concerning for me.

 

I realize you aren't looking for marriage, but even the label of boyfriend/girlfriend can be daunting for "some" people. Just saying (for your next RL), listen to what a guy tells you about his past relationships. Because how he behaved in the past is a pretty good indication of how he will behave in the future. And if you find a guy is being wishy-washy about what he wants (you called it fluctuating)....then that is a red flag. If it had been me, I would have walked, way sooner than five months.

 

Lastly and I hope this does not sound preachy. But when a RL does not work out, even though it hurts like hell, try to look at it as a learning experience. I have had some horrific breakups and instead of focusing on what a douchebag, liar (or whatever) he was, I simply looked at like I should have been paying closer attention and/or we just weren't compatible. I looked at as a learning experience, which it was. Everything that happens to us (good AND bad) is learning experience, a blessing in disguise. It's a blessing because again, hopefully we learned something and can take what we learned into our next RL and also because it gives us an opportunity to find someone better for us, who we will love and who will love us in return and with whom we will be happy.

[love1985]

You're right that I should have paid more attention to his past. I did call it out but he did the that was then but this is now. He came on very strong at the beginning so it wasn't really apparent. I think one day it will be a learning experience for me but for now it just hurts. Mainly because he didn't get to hear my side of things because it was broken in a heated argument. I think had he we could have resolved things. I don't think he is a bad guy. He was 75% of what I was looking for but for whatever reason we weren't on the same page.

 

Please note that this is the same guy that said he was looking for a wife on our first date. So that compared to not wanting to be in a relationship are so far between but maybe he was on a high in the beginning.

[newgirlhere]

Wow…five months? My rule is one year until commitment, two years for a ring. Five months seems sort of fast.

 

It's clearly not about the commitment - if you read everything love1985 has posted, she clearly felt as though his feelings were not enough, and he did little to encourage her. I would have gotten just as frustrated - not about the label, but for SURE about the amount of support and growth in place. THAT needs to be there by 5 mos! (just my opinion)

[newgirlhere]

Good advice. I just hate how it ended. I never thought about the fact that he was masking the real him upfront. It's going to take time to get use to not getting his morning text or calls off work or spending the night at my apartment. I truly appreciate the advice. Just wish I didn't have to type this at all.

 

You're just still in the very early stages. In these stages, no matter how long you were dating someone, the 'way it ended' feels so important. It's not. It doesn't matter at all. Relationships end if they are meant to - whether it be through some horrific, volatile fight or through some amicable quiet conversation. No matter what, if you had feelings and didn't want it to end in your heart of hearts because of those feelings, you will obsess a little over 'how it ended.'

 

You will feel so good about all of this in the long run. You are taking your power back. You're learning what it is YOU need - what timetable YOU live by - what kind of relationship YOU want. It doesn't matter anymore what he wanted or felt or how it ended - you walked away. And, from the sound of things, you did so gracefully. Be proud of yourself. Give yourself this time to feel whatever it is you need to feel - you have a world of support here.

 

Big hugs, seriously, I have been there and I know your story well, and it all works out well.

[eskimobobseal]

First of all, I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I can tell you as a man that I was ready to commit to my last girlfriend one month into dating, five seems unheard of to me. It seems apparent that his intentions were completely different from yours and you needed to end the relationship as a result. Maybe one day he'll contact you and finally commit - but until then get out there better yourself as a human being and get every trace of this guy out of your life. You'll meet someone eventually who loves you so much that talking about commitment will be something the person absolutely cannot wait to do.

[love1985]

First of all, I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I can tell you as a man that I was ready to commit to my last girlfriend one month into dating, five seems unheard of to me. It seems apparent that his intentions were completely different from yours and you needed to end the relationship as a result. Maybe one day he'll contact you and finally commit - but until then get out there better yourself as a human being and get every trace of this guy out of your life. You'll meet someone eventually who loves you so much that talking about commitment will be something the person absolutely cannot wait to do.

Thank you for your comment and perspective. I really tried to get him to open up and checked in to see if we were on the same page and he always said that we were. It's hard to get him out my system because I loved him. To just be okay with me walking away really hurts but he chose himself over me and I should have watched out for that. Five months in I thought our connection meant something to us both.

[eskimobobseal]

Thank you for your comment and perspective. I really tried to get him to open up and checked in to see if we were on the same page and he always said that we were. It's hard to get him out my system because I loved him. To just be okay with me walking away really hurts but he chose himself over me and I should have watched out for that. Five months in I thought our connection meant something to us both.

 

Commitment is an issue that can make/break a relationship. If you two are looking for different things, its just never going to work. If you move on and look for other guys, you may find the one who actually wants exclusivity and all the things you want too. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe this guy you left will suddenly realize that his needs match yours and he'll contact you. If not, you'll end up meeting someone else who better fits what you want. Its a win/win, even though its going to be tough for the first few weeks. Bottom line is - this is something you can get over - its just going to take a little bit of work

[love1985]

Commitment is an issue that can make/break a relationship. If you two are looking for different things, its just never going to work. If you move on and look for other guys, you may find the one who actually wants exclusivity and all the things you want too. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe this guy you left will suddenly realize that his needs match yours and he'll contact you. If not, you'll end up meeting someone else who better fits what you want. Its a win/win, even though its going to be tough for the first few weeks. Bottom line is - this is something you can get over - its just going to take a little bit of work

Him realizing what's real would be great. I really had the urge to text him how I felt. That I was hurt but I don't think it would even matter to him. He text me on Tuesday after it ended just a general happy Tuesday. I was glad that he still knew I was alive but at the end of the day what happened, happened and I don't know if there is any recovery from that.