Trying so hard to keep on a happy face

[sonicfan287]

I'd just like to start off by saying I'm so glad that this website has existed as a refuge for my deepest thoughts, my lowest lows and a place to throw some ideas against the wall when I'm feeling really down. I've abstained actively posting on here for a while now (choosing only to reply to others' posts when it was applicable for me to do so) because I didn't want to vocalize in any way that something was wrong but something is definitely wrong and I don't even know what anymore. okay, that's a lie, I do know what's wrong but it's so trivial in the grand scheme of things so I try not to vocalize it to others. That said, this board has been like a family to me and somewhere I feel like I can go when I dare not speak to anyone or I fear their judgement.

 

Basically for the past couple of years I've been trying the whole "fake it til you make it" thing when it comes to overcoming my depression. I went through an overwhelming phase of depression after my breakup a couple years back but very few knew about it because of the way I carried myself. I'd cry to myself at home, post on here constantly and actively try to cheer my friends up and just be as upbeat and positive as I could on the outside, all while feeling angry, disappointed and depressed on the inside. I should feel grateful I don't feel that horrible now but I feel like I've settled back into a "steady" type of sadness. Not a strong sadness, but just a feeling that things aren't going to change. That's not always a bad thing but I've been stagnating in the same routine for a while now and have tried small things to change it but then I either become too anxious or too lackadaisical (for lack of a better word) to take the steps needed to force a major change.

 

I work 2 jobs and I'm pretty happy with both of them. The thing that I'm finding it hard to do lately though is the "faking it". I'm not a deeply depressed person but I get stressed out or sad a lot more often than I show and more and more I've become tempted to vent to a friend about it or tell someone other than my therapist but I know that's not a good idea. On the other hand, I've seen friends of mine who do get out their emotions, go through rough patches and usually get closer with others and grow as a result. I on the other hand, keep it inside, put on a fake happy face and while I can't be accused of being "Mr. Downer", I feel like my friendships stagnate and my professional relationships stay about the same because I'm emotionally flat around those I actually care about.

 

When I said I knew what was wrong and wouldn't say it, this is true. I'm sad most of all because I'm lonely. I haven't had a girlfriend since my ex, I've been on a few dates and they went okay but neither of us really felt anything on them. There was a girl a few months ago that I talked to fairly consistently before we met. I actually started to feel pretty good, just talking to her but then we met and again, it didn't go badly, but she stopped showing interest in me after we met. I wasn't disinterested in her but she stopped responding to me as much so I let it go. I dont get as emotionally attached to people anymore for fear of getting hurt.

 

Anyway, one of my jobs is as a DJ. I'm supposed to be "on stage" (so to speak) and getting people PUMPED and it just can be so hard when I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not "pumped". I put on a good face and play off the energy of the crowd but at the end of the day, I'm nothing like those who I try to entertain. I'd like to go to a party here and there and dance but I just don't have time with all my jobs and while I have a handful of friends, we're rarely free at the same time. I've stayed busy enough where these thoughts don't really bother me but the few hours I have alone really remind me of how alone I feel, but rather than dwell on it, I go back into my other persona, where I joke around and try to cheer other people up. I feel like it's the right thing to do, but where am I supposed to go when I need cheering up? Who am I supposed to count on for a laugh when I need one? Is that even important? Not nessecarily... I know I'll bounce back from this at some point but for now I just needed to get this out.

 

I hate coming off as a whiner and that's what I feel like I'm doing here but maybe we all need some time to "whine". Best of luck to anyone else going through a rough patch or wishing for more. It will come and emotional growth could be closer than we all realize. Thanks sincerely to anyone who takes the time to read this. Getting this off my chest will go a long way towards getting me through tonight, which will hopefully be another fun night for all who attend tonight's party I'm DJing. God bless and have a great weekend.

[JGintheOC]

I totally know what you mean. I'm going through the same emotions and thoughts for similarly the same reasons. I find myself spending more time faking being happy and listening to others and cheering them up. I'm not depressed but I'm just not happy either. Sure I find myself laughing here and there but I am not emotionally close to ppl. A friend jokingly called me a robot and we all laughed about it but she didn't know she was right. I'm emotionally distant from people. I act like a martyr most days too. Haven't found the solution but the rare time a friend lets me vent it does a little more healing. I just wish I could do it more often so that I can be healed for once and find myself again. But if you ever wanna chat on here or messenger let me know. We both could use it

[SooSad33]

Hey, Sonic.

 

I'm not sure if you've ever mentioned going for any therapy, etc? Sometimes that can help, be a form of release, etc.

I'm suggesting this because, as you've mentioned, it's been about 2 yrs now? That and the fact of how 'low & lonely' you're still feeling

Did you ever try seeing your dr. and asking about something to help you with your depression or anxiety? I've been on something for about a year now for my anxiety and it does 'take the edge off', so I can function better.

 

I remember, many times, reading your posts of your pains... I understand much of what you're feeling.

I do hope one day you will NOT be feeling this so much.

 

Tc, Sonic

[catfeeder]

Sonic, your emotional health is as valid as everyone else's.

 

It can be a relief to hang up the entertainer persona at times and allow others to drive while you relax. Sometimes just showing up is all any of us have the energy to do, so allowing the people who care about you to pick up the slack can be a great thing.

 

I'm glad you mentioned a therapist. What does he or she recommend?

[sonicfan287]

My pain is a lot better than it once was, SooSad so if anything, I can at least look back and see that I've made improvements. I have been seeing a therapist for a couple years now and they've been helpful but after a while, the help has to come from within and for a while I was so motivated to make things right that it was easier for me to fight through any emotional distress. I am on a few medications for my feelings and they do help. I guess I'm just tired of the routine and feeling so down, then feeling a little better but then ultimately still down.

 

My therapist has tried to help me understand (and she's right) that we're all going to have days where we feel down and the things that don't normally challenge us will. She says it's better to accept the feelings, feel them and move on from them rather than dwell on them which is what I'd feel like I was doing if I voiced them to someone. You're so right Catfeeder, I always think I have to put in this "extraordinary" effort to justify myself but sometimes the best days I have are just the ones where I can do well at work despite feeling down.

 

On a side note, my job tonight went pretty well and I'm a bit more at peace for now. So, thank you for all those who responded

[catfeeder]

[...] She says it's better to accept the feelings, feel them and move on from them rather than dwell on them which is what I'd feel like I was doing if I voiced them to someone.

 

I understand, but there's a difference between 'dwelling' versus 'working through', and you get to be creative in how you'll want to do this at any give time--and with whom.

 

First, what we're working when we do this is the 'accept them and feel them' part of your therapist's advice, which can make the 'and move on part' a whole lot easier. This as opposed to, "accept the feelings, feel them..." then squelch them and pretend that this is moving on.

 

If you've noticed, that doesn't work.

 

When I want to speak my peace (or rather speak to 'get to' my peace) I try to identify who in my life can best relate to my 'story' of the moment, and I either phone them or speak directly if I'm near them. I never speak of someone my listener knows--so my work friends only hear about family or personal friends, and my family and friends will hear about people at work. I may even change names and admit that up front.

 

Then I say something like, "Can I just borrow your ear to vent something that has nothing to do with you, but I just want to say it?"

 

And then I spend a few minutes blabbing my story of frustration mixed with some humor--and then I make fun of myself for even finding this upsetting, and I wrap it up with what I've learned or decided or what I want to do about it, if anything.

 

Then my listener and I giggle together and I've let it go in that moment and feel so much better, or my listener asks a question or relays a similar story and I recognize that my feelings are pretty universal, and I'm not a freak bottling things up and marinating in shame over them.

 

This is basic bonding and connecting with people, not abusing them or dwelling. It's problem solving--because in the act of speaking we often stumble accross a nuance we didn't see before, or we come up with a solution. Or, we just plain feel heard, understood and validated.

 

That's what friends do for us, and this encourages them to know that we can do it for them, too. This adds realness and dimension to relationships rather than keeping people at arms length as some warped audience of our false perfection.

 

You're so right Catfeeder, I always think I have to put in this "extraordinary" effort to justify myself but sometimes the best days I have are just the ones where I can do well at work despite feeling down.

 

Well, try skipping that and try the above instead. It takes all the pressure out of your cooker and allows people to feel close and involved with you rather than like a fan.

 

If you've noticed, most famous people are pretty screwed up. That's because they can't drop the entertainer role and trust people enough to be real with them.

 

When you can allow yourself to get real with people, this changes everything.

 

Head high.

[sonicfan287]

Thank you so much Catfeeder for not only reading but for taking the time to craft your messages.

 

You sound like someone who is very much in tune with the people around them and I can't help but admire people like that.

 

I try to identify who in my life can best relate to my 'story' of the moment, and I either phone them or speak directly if I'm near them.

 

I think this is one of my problems, and why I fear opening up to people the most. I can't always identify who that person (or people) would be. I'm admittedly not very good at reading people. Yes, I can tell when somebody's down and through using some kind of logic I can sometimes even figure out why they're down but to take the inverse (as it sounds you've done) is very tricky for me when it comes to trying to figure out who I can be candid and open with and who may not relate to me as well.

 

And then I spend a few minutes blabbing my story of frustration mixed with some humor--and then I make fun of myself for even finding this upsetting, and I wrap it up with what I've learned or decided or what I want to do about it, if anything.

 

This is ideally how I would love for things to go and yes, there's no reason why it shouldn't be this way. In fact, in high school, I used to be more like this. I'd go on for a few minutes about something and go back and forth out loud about how silly it all seemed and usually there would be a conclusion. It didn't always help but sometimes it would and it would lead to further conversation. I don't know why I've gotten away from this as I've gotten older. It's almost like I've tried to become too strong and think Ive "outgrown" emotions but that's obviously an absurd statement.

 

I guess, as you say, I don't know when the lines cross between "dwelling on" and "working out" a problem in my head. I get so afraid of the former that I usually can't attempt the latter. I do bottle up some things but not to the point of insanity (at least not usually). I'm a good listener but again, it's been a while since someone truly confided in me because maybe they think I can't relate. Then again, I'm getting into mind reading when I say things like that and that can be a dangerous game to play

 

I will try to keep my head high. Thank you again

[catfeeder]

I think this is one of my problems, and why I fear opening up to people the most. I can't always identify who that person (or people) would be. I'm admittedly not very good at reading people. Yes, I can tell when somebody's down and through using some kind of logic I can sometimes even figure out why they're down but to take the inverse (as it sounds you've done) is very tricky for me when it comes to trying to figure out who I can be candid and open with and who may not relate to me as well.

 

You can borrow the rule of thumb I outlined above: work stuff gets discussed with family and friends, while family and friend stuff is safe for work people. Especially if you say, "A girl I work with, I'll call her Grenelda to protect her identity...".

 

As for who will respond well, that's all trial and error. All you can really do is ask permission of people to lay something out there. Then you'll learn over time and experience who's best to bounce stuff off of. When someone's a dud, stick to discussing the weather with them or something...hah!

 

[...]I don't know why I've gotten away from this as I've gotten older. It's almost like I've tried to become too strong and think Ive "outgrown" emotions but that's obviously an absurd statement.

 

That's a good topic to roll out with your therapist. Either he or she is still helpful to you, or move onto a new one, because I can't understand why you've been with a therapist for years who has not addressed this and encouraged you to drop the mask and experiment with sharing your feelings and opinions with people.

 

Your reason might be as simple as getting too hung up on appearances and trying to come off as too cool or perfect, or you may have had some deeper fears when you were younger and these just formed some isolating 'habits' around you that you have adopted rather than questioned. But now is as good a time as any to question old habits that no longer serve you.

 

I guess, as you say, I don't know when the lines cross between "dwelling on" and "working out" a problem in my head. I get so afraid of the former that I usually can't attempt the latter. I do bottle up some things but not to the point of insanity (at least not usually). I'm a good listener but again, it's been a while since someone truly confided in me because maybe they think I can't relate. Then again, I'm getting into mind reading when I say things like that and that can be a dangerous game to play

 

I will try to keep my head high. Thank you again

 

Dwelling is when you do your own mind spins to the point of keeping yourself miserable, and you talk yourself into insecurity and isolation, while 'working out' is when you actively engage in problem solving by either writing something out or speaking it to someone or speaking to your Self in a kind and encouraging way.

 

That was the most important discovery I've ever made--I'm in control of the critical voice I run in my own head, and I get to decide whether to beat myself up and put myself down with it, or I can skip that and speak in a supportive and inspiring way. No lofty affirmations--just simple stuff, like "I can do this."

 

The way you speak to yourself drives everything you feel and think and do--so become your own best coach, and work your inner voice in your own favor.