Haha, maybe I should start asking for advice before I mess these things up?

[Ms Darcy]

...but he's got his own set of demons I suppose, which he trying to work through. So maybe we will be okay, hope so!

 

Instead of focusing on her being irrational and unstable, you need to focus on yourself to understand why you like so much drama. Why does "drama" give you the feeling of a "spark."

[Edmund Exley]

You are not the first man I've heard say that you like "psycho" women. I don't know what it is about this type of woman that men find so intriguing, but while in the throes of my disorder, men were drawn to me like bees to honey. Perhaps they are dealing with their own type of demons. Not suggesting you are, but when I read your post saying (in response to another poster) that you know she's sort of psycho, but you like it, I was not surprised!

 

I used to be one of those guys. Its the excitement of the "WOW" at the beginning as described by StayTrueToYou. These woman tend to also be sort of needy, so they make it sound like EVERYTHING you are interested in they are interested in. ITS UNCANNY HOW GREAT WE CONNECT!! They hide the dark emotions at the beginning, sure that its not who they are, so all you see is great times and fun! The sex usually happens FAST and with out inhibition! BEST SEX I EVER HAD!! But then something sets them off to the dark side, and we are already hooked because we have seen "How amazing she really is!"

 

Men who tend to stay to long with woman like this usually come from situations like having divorced parents, or in my case a parent who was an alcoholic. Dysfunctional love is something you are accustomed to, and it drives your sense of loyalty to stick it out and hope they will be that "Girl I fell in love with". Red flags aren't just neglected and ignored. They are torn down and ripped apart.

[StayTrueToYou]

@ weathergirl... haha sounds like your boyfriend and I are very similar when it comes to chasing. If she happens to come back... at least I can be aware of it and hopefully protect myself a little bit better if I do decide to give it another try.

 

@ms Darcy & Ed - I definitely have my own issues to work through as well. Ed hit the nail on the head - I do come from a household with an alcoholic/abusive parent. They never did divorce as he eventually went to rehab, but that wasn't until I was out of the house practically. Definitely was a dysfunctional love though between he and my mom. I was also the oldest child, so obviously I was the one who would take the bulk of the abuse until I got big enough to fight back. I also have a past with pretty bad anxiety and panic attacks stemming from those issues, and have been diagnosed with PTSD. I was in the Marine Corps, and have experienced a few other pretty traumatic incidents in life which (after some time to recover) left me with this really bad 'Separation Phobia' - I guess you could call it? Where basically when I lose someone or think that I am going to lose someone that I truly care about from my life - whether it be through death, a big break up, etc - it triggers everything else that I mentioned before and I have an 'episode'. Not always - and not every single time something happens, but its happened before and used to be pretty frequent. Now, I haven't had an 'episode' in years... and its usually because of a death... but I could feel it coming on yesterday. Heart started pumping 1000 mph, non-stop sweaty, trouble breathing, muscles extremely tense, completely irrational and obsessive thoughts, etc. I'm not on any type of medication - but luckily I was able to snap out of it before it escalated into a full-blown 'episode'. I was able to keep it just in that 'anxiety' zone.

 

Anyway - to my original point, I know that these girls are bad for a guy like me because they are so unpredictable. Honestly though, I can't even imagine having a "predictable" person as a significant other. It might be one of those things like cigarettes - where even though you know its bad for you and it will more than likely kill you one day, you have an addiction to it. And there's nothing thats going to stop you from going outside for that smoke break. So, maybe I should kick the habit? Or maybe I should just figure out how to handle girls like this a little bit better? Idk... haha.

[Edmund Exley]

While talking to a therapist I discussed my propensity for relationships with instable women. She was the one that actually correlated (not blamed) it to the issue of having an alcoholic parent. My parents never divorced either.

 

Take some time to get familiar with the topic "Adult Children of Alcoholics" just to see how you were effected. It may help you learn why you are attracted to instable individuals.

[StayTrueToYou]

Okay guys... In need of some advice... She messaged me finally, asking how my trip was going. She knows I'm at the beach this week because she wanted to come.

 

What should I do next?

[Ms Darcy]

Move on.

 

See a therapist.

 

Fix yourself.

 

Be someone stable.

 

Find someone stable.

[annie24]

Okay guys... In need of some advice... She messaged me finally, asking how my trip was going. She knows I'm at the beach this week because she wanted to come.

 

What should I do next?

 

I recommend moving on. She told you she can't handle a boyfriend with her schedule, blah blah blah. So ok, believe her. I know you are intrigued by her and the chase, but there are so many red flags here, I think it's best just to move on.

[weathergirl]

Okay guys... In need of some advice... She messaged me finally, asking how my trip was going. She knows I'm at the beach this week because she wanted to come.

 

What should I do next?

 

StayTrue, I am sure you have already responded, and if you are anything like my boyfriend was (until he learned to set boundaries with me), you basically picked up where you left off with no discussion of why she told you to take a hike in the first place.

 

Even if you DID respond, I think you still need to hold her accountable. If you haven't, it's still not too late.

 

Before I was diagnosed, my boyfriend NEVER did and the pattern of dysfunction continued. It was extremely draining and mentally exhausting for both of us because NOTHNG was ever discussed and nothing ever changed!

 

IF you choose to give this another shot, you need to confront her and tell her that, should she be upset about your behavior in the future, to talk with you about it instead of just dumping you. Be assertive when telling her ... and that it's not acceptable and you won't tolerate it. Be strong!

 

If she needs space to gather her thoughts and emotions, that's okay too...what's NOT okay is her just dumping you...and then a few days later coming back acting like nothing was wrong and everything goes back to the way it was BEFORE she had a fit and dumped you.

 

Once my boyfriend started becoming stronger himself and setting boundaries with me, everything changed in our relationship. I also started gaining more respect for him for not allowing me to basically walk all over him and call all the shots. That showed weakness on his part and to be honest it was a turnoff.

 

I am not proud of the way I acted, but in my own defense, since it before my bipolar diagnosis, I simply knew no other way to react to things that upset me.

[annie24]

By the way, don't diagnose people online - we don't know her, and unless you are a psychiatrist yourself and have examined her, you don't know if she's bipolar or what. Maybe she's just a flake? Leave the armchair diagnoses alone.

[weathergirl]

By the way, don't diagnose people online - we don't know her, and unless you are a psychiatrist yourself and have examined her, you don't know if she's bipolar or what. Maybe she's just a flake? Leave the armchair diagnoses alone.

 

Thanks annie, duly noted. In my defense though, in my very first post on this thread, I did say this "I can't say for sure of course, but that's what it sounds like to me."

 

But you are right and I agree....no more arm-chairing.

 

However, my opinion about what he should do/not do still holds true even assuming she IS just a flake... and assuming he wants to continue on with her

[annie24]

Thanks annie, duly noted. In my defense though, in my very first post on this thread, I did say this "I can't say for sure of course, but that's what it sounds like to me."

 

But you are right and I agree....no more arm-chairing.

 

However, my opinion about what he should do/not do still holds true even assuming she IS just a flake... and assuming he wants to continue on with her

 

Not just you, but a lot of people here are arm-chairing, assuming she has this or that mental illness. Maybe she's perfectly fine and just not that interested in the OP? Or maybe she has her own crap going on and is absorbed in it?

[weathergirl]

Not just you, but a lot of people here are arm-chairing, assuming she has this or that mental illness. Maybe she's perfectly fine and just not that interested in the OP? Or maybe she has her own crap going on and is absorbed in it?

 

You are absolutely right, in fact it could be anything. All we can do is offer our opinions and then allow the OP to make his/her own decision based on our opinions, or based on something else entirely.

 

Again, completely agree with you re the armchair psychology though.

[StayTrueToYou]

@weathergirl and @annie.... and whoever else was interested in this...

 

Sorry for my delayed response to both of you... I have been on vacation this week.

 

Anyway, yes... she did contact me last Sunday... the conversation actually went well. She was being flaky(ish), but I wasn't pushing anything and really just told her that I legitimately care about her well-being. She recently had a surgery thats been causing her a lot of issues and she has a lot of issues that she has told me about (psychologically). Like OCD, bad anxiety, etc. Nothing about bipolar - but I would say its at least possible by her actions. I mean, who knows what she's thinking... but it is what it is. She started bringing up possibly meeting up at some point either today or tomorrow (since she is leaving for her vacation on Monday). She has some of my things... one thing that is extremely important to me that I get back. Only because its something that is impossible to replace that I just left there. More on that later..

 

FFWD to Monday night... I am out with my cousins, brothers, and friends since we are on vacation... and on our walk home at like 2:00 AM she texted me "I wish you were here."

 

Now... I will honestly say that I was belligerently drunk that night... as were all of us... since (once again) we were on vacation. That said, I waited a good 30 minutes and thought about what I should say. This is now the 2nd night in a row that she had texted me... so I am thinking she is starting to get interested again. So, the rest of the convo goes:

 

ME: "well maybe we can meet up when I get back?"

HER: "yeah, I don't know... I am going to be really busy since I leave for vacation."

ME: "No worries..."

HER: "?"

ME: "you confuse me and I don't like these gameeeeeees!!! emoji emoji"

HER: "I told you the truth about everything. I don't think we're right for each other" (keep in mind we have not actually talked on the phone or in person - she sent me 1 long text. That was it.)

ME: "Why don't you just call me and say this stuff?"

ME: "And if thats what you think... then don't talk to me anymore... emoji emoji emoji"

HER: "Fine. I'm going to bed. Goodnight"

HER: "I'm not a negative person and I am not crazy. And I don't want to become crazy. But if you keep talking about this stuff, i'm going to go crazy"

HER: "You are making me never want to talk to you again with the way you are handling this."

ME: "Seriously?"

ME: "I don't know who you think you are exactly, but you need to realize that this is completely unfair to me."

 

30 mins later... no response...

ME: "You seriously suck. Please leave me alone."

ME: "I don't deserve to be treated like a piece of ... especially after how well I have treated you"

 

No response... I fall asleep...

 

Next Morning (panic mode):

ME: "Can we talk about this?"

 

No response... Still haven't heard from her.

 

I am okay with the fact that we may not talk again or ever make it work... that is not the issue. But from the first day she ended things, all I asked for was this one thing back (the reason for its value to me is too long of a story - and I haven't even told her the story either... so to be fair, she doesn't understand). She has several of my other things that I could care less about... like clothing, a watch, and some sex things... which makes me feel uncomfortable that she will probably keep... but whatever. The thing I want back is by far the least valuable... but to me, I would be devastated if I never got it back because its something that can't be replaced. Do you guys have any ideas on how I should go about that?

 

At this point I haven't talked to her or tried to talk to her since I sent that text the next morning. I am headed home tomorrow and on the way I am going to be driving by her house because there is no avoiding it. I was thinking about calling her and asking her if she could just put it in a plastic bag and leave it with someone else... or leave it hidden by the dumpster or something.... just so I can get it back. That way she wouldn't have to see me either... but I don't know. I am way too nervous to just hope when she gets back she would offer to mail it or something... I feel like with another week passing... I might just be out of luck.

 

I don't know... thoughts?

[FlashEng1]

Perhaps you can re-read my first post on Page 1. To re-emphasize, she will text you when she will miss you, which she did.. But I definitely agree with her in that you handled this poorly.

 

SITUATION 1 = She is going through health problems, things are physically/mentally difficult for her.

SITUATION 2 = She is playing games with you, and texts you only when she wants the attention.

SITUATION 3 = She is with someone else, and you're the "side guy."

SITUATION 4 = She is madly in love with you, and you two are meant, and time is just really difficult for her and/or you.

 

 

Situation 1, 2, 3 or 4 do not matter. The details do not matter. In fact, the deception is in the details because that's where our "what if" cravings and desire really take shape.. But remember, the story does not matter. What matters is how you handle the situation to what is occurring, and how you want it to end up. If you truly want to be there for her, as her friend, as her boyfriend, or as her "side chick (you)," you need to realize it's how you respond and behave in the situation that can enflame it to an argument (like this), or can simmer things and you can enjoy your vacation time, and your own sanity as well! You said you were going to give her some space. Do it. Let her figure things out. All she texted was she missed you. If you missed her too, perhaps next time try a quick "miss you too" and leave it at that.. Any questions, and further things, ignore them. She knows you're on vacation. But instead you RANNNNNN with her own quick text, and offer to "hey! nevermind what we last talked about, I miss you too, and you miss me, so let's meet up and see what's up?!" .. huh!?!? THEN she pulls the brakes and realizes "oh crap.. maybe I shouldn't have told him I missed him... he's not ready." and ultimately says she's not sure, blah blah excuse excuse... So cool, you either play this non-chalant, cool guy act (right after the clingy "let's meet up!"), with "no worries..." (the dot dot dot.. ouch). Okay, now when she sent the "?" text. A more encouraged, and smoother reply would have been "another time then done, move on, and continue enjoying your vacation.

 

But... Here we are. I re-emphasize Mrs. Darcy's post now, as maybe it's not this girl who's playing games, but you... perhaps with your own emotions. Even if you have paraphrased her replies, her replies remain consistent, and her story fits in either of the 4 scenarios in general, bipolar or not, sick and hurt or not.

[Rosti87]

I think you are getting in the way of yourself here. You know you need to move on but you keep effing yourself over this woman. You need to dig deep and get a grip.

[StayTrueToYou]

You both have great points - but I get the feeling that both of you think I am like losing sleep over all of this or something. I mean... the only reason I wrote this stuff out in the forum to begin with is because I can't fathom how someone can go from literally telling someone and doing the following all in a matter of 12 hours...

 

that they are falling in love them after a week, that they've never been happier, best week of their life, that they've never felt this type of connection, and that they don't want to mess it up because they really really really really like you, then proceed to beg you to come up for the night, give you a love package with a hand-written card when you walk in the door that basically says that they are in love with you again, say they want to come to the beach with you, and then jumps your bones, etc;......to suddenly within 12 hours (without any sort of provoking) being to the point where you seem to never want to talk to that person again.

 

How am I the crazy one here? Because she intrigues me? She seemed to be the most beautiful inside and out - caring, sweet, kind, funny, independent, strong, loyal, and very upfront - during that week and a half we were dating. Like Ed said a while back, it's hard to just say goodbye because I saw the potential there... And I honestly believe that when I seemed hesitant, she felt vulnerable and built a wall up to a point where I can't get over it.

 

None of that even matters though - I feel like I should have an opportunity to express my frustration to her and get a response. Or is it acceptable to just be disrespectful these days? Obviously the "play it cool" card would probably be my best shot at getting her back - but like I said, I don't even care about that anymore. But why am I considered "crazy" or "unstable" for wanting the chance to basically tell her what I think about the way she handled everything - and in addition, get my stuff back?

[Rosti87]

Her behavior is erratic and you are fascinated with the behavior. I don't think you are 'crazy.' I just think you are attracted or possibly addicted to the drama. When people suggest therapy they are not saying you are crazy.

 

You just need an objective party to help guide you into building emotionally healthier relationships. Being attracted to a person that treats you this way is not healthy.

[FlashEng1]

I believe any desire to let her know your frustration/confusion/emotion is understandable, however only if she were normal.

 

I believe her erratic behavior (if truly so) should've been enough from day 1 to warrant action more than talk. If you now know this of her, you sorta need to step back and ask yourself what you're really getting out of her actually knowing. And if you really step back and ask yourself that, that you'll come to the conclusion that it isn't worth it, and that you're only beating a dead horse. Now you get no response to your legitimate question, annd YOU start to look like the crazy one continuously giving in and feeding this type of behavior. Basic enablement.

 

I still feel you could have handled the situation more ideally, and still gotten the outcome you'd wanted had you handled the situation differently. And this is coming from experience having dealt with women like her.

 

Oh well live and learn. May not be losing sleep, but definitely losing something by continuing to think and discuss her.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[StayTrueToYou]

@Rosti - I agree with most of what you say - but I am not addicted to the drama. I am addicted to what I saw out of this girl before everything went to the nut house. I had what seemed to be the most incredible girl I have ever met, the most physically attractive girl I had ever been with (I'm talking 10/10 with or without being dolled up), who was sitting on top of me, looking me in the eyes like no one ever has, and told me that she has never ever felt this way. I mean, granted... shes a stripper basically, so shes probably good at making people feel special... but there was no incentive from her perspective to do that with me. Anyway, if it was just a really beautiful girl who wanted to date me who acted like that from day 1, I would never continue seeing her. But she tricked me... and I believed her... haha. All that said, I do think a therapist could be a lot of help for a guy like me... I think I put way too much emphasis on first impressions... so if you win me over on our first encounter, checkmate. I probably need to figure out a way to stop doing that... haha... because when they are gorgeous and a sweetheart the first time I meet them, I start singing victory songs in my head.

 

@Flash - Thank you for understanding WHY I would want to get my side out there and voice how low this all is... but you are also right. She is not normal and her emotions are always changing it seems like. What do you mean though that "it warranted action more than talk"? Does that mean from Day 1 of crazy, I should have just said "figure it out and let me know what you want"? When I take a step back and look at what I want out of this... I really want her to realize that she made a mistake treating me the way that she treated me. Of course, that is unrealistic. So once again, you are right... it isn't worth it. However, all that said... there are 3 things... 3 really BIG things that I never tell any girls that I am dating. I don't tell these girls these things in order to protect myself from really getting screwed over or taken advantage of. Haha. If she knew... or if any of you knew those 3 things... you would all probably understand why I reacted the way that I did initially, you would definitely understand why I want this one specific thing back from her place so badly, and you would see that this is exactly the girl that I was protecting myself from. A part of me wishes that I could just tell her all 3 of those things, flip her the bird, and peace out... because she'd feel like the biggest douche ever. And maybe... just maybe.... she would realize that in the future, she shouldn't treat people the way she treated me (and I am sure many others before me).

 

Flash, I agree that I should have handled it more ideally and I probably could have gotten the outcome I originally wanted - but that is probably done, wouldn't you say?

 

Just an update on the situation as a whole... I hadn't talked to her since the drunk text debacle on Monday, 8/11. All week she was posting BS on IG&FB - like love quotes, horoscopes, etc; for instance one said "Sometimes two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together". Some things were positive, some things were negative. I thought that they had to do with me... but I could definitely be wrong about that as well. Haha. Anyway, I didn't 'like' or 'comment' on anything she posted... just ignored it and didn't let it get to me. On Sunday, I called her at a time I knew she'd be passed out and left a voicemail just saying "Hey, I am headed home from the beach today and am going to be driving right by your house. Maybe we could arrange some way for me to get that stuff? I don't care how... you can bring it down, leave it by the dumpster before I get there, leave it with someone else... just let me know." She texted me back like 3-4 hrs later asking when I was leaving.... and then she told me to let her know and she would make sure she figured something out. So I text her later on in the day to let her know I am leaving. She says "let me know when you are 20 mins out and I will come meet you." So here I am thinking... "yes... no more texting... finally face to face." So I am 20 mins out and I text her to let her know... she says "okay, see you there." 20 mins later... "Okay, just parked. You here?" She says "I'll probably be another 30 mins. Sorry" I say, "I am going to go grab a coffee, so take your time. You want anything?" No response... 30 mins go by.... I say "Where you at???" She says... "Yeah... I 'm not going to be able to make it at all anymore. I'm sorry." Meanwhile... I am pretty sure she was sitting in her apartment the entire time. Lol. But whatever... I say "Okay, no problem. I'll ttyl" She says... "I'm really sorry... I will have fedex overnight it tomorrow." I say, "Sounds good to me." I drive home.... about 2-3 hours later I am laying in bed and realized something... so I text her... "Wait, how do you have my address??" Legitimate question... but no response. I am pretty sure I won't be getting anything back because it definitely was not overnighted. Lol. Since then, I have not talked to her at all... I did notice last night (I don't know when she did it actually but thats when I noticed) - that she booted me off of her IG and stopped following me. However, she kept me as a friend on FB. I don't get it... I'm not gonna say anything about it... but I think your initial prediction was right... I think she may have had another guy in the picture all along. Go figure... haha. What a simple explanation that would have been from the start. And very easy for me to accept. Oh and this is funny... that big vacation she was going on... yeah, shes not even on a vacation right now.

 

Anyway, last little thing here for @Flash - I definitely am thinking about it and writing about it so I am not focusing quite as much on my work and I do think I probably lost a little bit of confidence... but don't feel sorry for me. I had a quick little 3 day romance with a gorgeous blonde up at the beach - she even had all of my younger brothers and friends geeking out at the bar one night we were all there... only problem is that she lived so far away so it never could have worked. The only thing that kills me about stripper girl is that I am not the one in control of the outcome and that I had absolutely no say in any part of it. That is a tough pill to swallow for anyone... but especially someone like me who has always been more of a confrontational person who deals with things head on and face to face. I am a coach and a teacher... what else do you expect? Haha.

[weathergirl]

Okay I'm sorry, but even *I* started to feel like I was going crazy reading your text exchange.

 

Instead of getting all pissed off at her and not even explaining why exactly it is you 'are' pissed off (except to say "this isn't fair to me, blah blah,")... why not just be direct and say "If you don't want to be with me, that's fine, but since that's the case, why did you just send me a text saying "wish you were here"????!!!

 

Be direct about WHY you are confused and CALL HER ON IT!!!

 

Her behavior makes absolutely no sense. It's almost like SHE wasn't the one who sent you the "wish you were here" text, even though she WAS the one who sent it. Her behavior is completely contradictory. Tell her that, call her on it. And then be done with her, she's completely effed up in the head (and no I don't think this is bipolar, this is just her being effed up, playing games and nothing else).

[FlashEng1]

Aye, after all this how did I have a feeling this would happen. Up through the "oops.. can't meet you after all" part.. It was two pairs of limited edition pumas for me that she was supposed to FedEx (without even knowing my address, but actually asking for it ) ..

 

So.. Hmm.. She sounds like a child.. If it means that much to you, get a friend (preferably mutual) to set up a time to meet her and exchange between them.

[weathergirl]

I just read your recent update. This chick is psycho plain and simple. Run as far away from her as you can....she's completely messed up in the head, and I DO think she is playing head games with you.... sounds like she has some issues re men in general.

 

Just go no contact and move the hell on. She's sick....

 

ETA: Maybe she should be an actress instead of a stripper... I'm sorry but I think she was messing with your head in the beginning... it was all an act.... that's my gut talking here. Which makes sense because who behaves the way she did when they first meet someone. Completely over the top. Not real. It was all one big act to mess with you... like I said, sounds like she's got some REAL serious issues re men in general.

[StayTrueToYou]

@weathergirl - I think you and I are seeing eye to eye on this one. Haha. I know I should have responded differently to the "I miss you" text - but like I said, I was plastered. I am going NC... Even if she does contact me again, I won't be responding until I post here and get a response from you or flash for advice. Haha. You guys seem to know exactly what to say. Maybe we can just set up a way for you to intercept the texts haha. Seriously though... I wish I could just send you guys every fb message and text that was ever exchanged because it basically paints the picture. Anyway, thank you for your responses on this issue, it's definitely made me question how I go about things.

 

@flash - alright here's the deal on the sweatshirt I want back... It's not expensive at all but it's a sweatshirt from when I was in the marine corps. It's a pretty intense story, but basically it belonged to one of my fallen comrades and it was an inside joke between us as to why we give those to our "girlfriends." He would have understood without a doubt why I couldn't get it back... But it carries a lot of sentimental value with me. The mutual friends idea is good... Now if only we had mutual friends... Haha

[weathergirl]

STTY... tell her firmly that if she does return the sweatshirt to you within the next week… you will be calling the police and accusing her of theft…let the police get involved.

 

She wants to mess with you, then you mess with her right back.

 

You should be seriously pissed off here…hell it’s not even happening to me and I’m pissed off!!

 

And if she texts you again (besides telling you when she will be mailing you your sweatshirt), I will tell you right now what you should respond back with. NOTHING. From hereon out, you ignore her. Period, no exceptions. You go no contact and ignore, ignore, ignore.

 

This chick is SO playing games with you. If you keep responding and/or engaging her, then you are as guilty as she is. Be stronger than that.

Your silence will say more than any text message could.

[weathergirl]

Re my last post.. I meant to say "STTY... tell her firmly that if she does NOT return the sweatshirt to you within the next week… you will be calling the police and accusing her of theft…let the police get involved.

 

I'm sure you probably figured that, but thought I'd clarify anyway.