When your new boyfriend and old close friends don't get along?

[lifeisaparadox]

So Ive been seeing this guy for a couple of months and recently we became official. I decided to invite him to hang out with me and my closest friends at a bar. I always want my boyfriends to meet my closest friends! Very casual setting, assuming it'll be a great place to talk and stuff.

 

At the end of the night, my boyfriend thinks my friends are mean and my friends hate my boyfriend. I saw them interact and it seemed like my boyfriend wasn't really trying to talk to them, and my friends just didn't like how he acted and said he seemed like a "douche." My new friends basically think that I'm dating someone who doesn't seem compatible with me, but as my friends they support me because I really like him and aren't encouraging a breakup. They just note that he and I are very different.

 

Personally speaking, my new boyfriend is very different from the usual guys I date and the people I normally hang out with. I saw that from the beginning but still hoped that it would work out with him and my friends.

 

Do you think it's possible to maintain a relationship with this -- like could I potentially just keep my closest friends and my boyfriend separate? Any anecdotes?

 

To add onto this -- whenever we hang out with people other than just us, it's always with HIS friends now because he doesn't really like my friends. I tried inviting him to another outing of mine and he brought all of his OWN friends... it was really awkward and weird!

[Moontiger]

If I were in your position I would think seriously about what my friends were saying provided they are people you trust and who know you well.

 

I would be very worried that he did not make an effort to talk to my friends or make a good first impression.

 

These two things to me are red flags.

 

EDIT: I have a close friend who is dating a straight up d-bag. He gave everyone a weird vibe when we meet him. Its a long back story but we turned out to be 100% right about him. She is still with him, no one likes that and many people (including myself) have told her straight up we don't want to be around him.

[BigKK]

If I were in your position I would think seriously about what my friends were saying provided they are people you trust and who know you well.

 

I would be very worried that he did not make an effort to talk to my friends or make a good first impression.

 

These two things to me are red flags.

 

EDIT: I have a close friend who is dating a straight up d-bag. He gave everyone a weird vibe when we meet him. Its a long back story but we turned out to be 100% right about him. She is still with him, no one likes that and many people (including myself) have told her straight up we don't want to be around him.

 

 

I'm with MT. Being a guy myself, I know that girls value what their friends have to say about their partner. So I made the extra effort to be chatty, fun, and getting to know them. I turned people that could be enemies into allies. They will often joke that she better not let me go that I'm a good one. Also I consider myself likeable! So if they didn't like me, then it would of meant her friends suck

[bulletproof]

 

...and my friends hate my boyfriend.

They just note that he and I are very different.

 

There is a very vast area between hating him and thinking that you two are very different.

You were there- do you think he was giving it one hundred percent effort? Do you think they were?

 

I agree with those saying that your friends know you well and probably really want to like him. Perhaps you should ask them for specifics and consider what they're saying.

[Doc Blaze]

I wouldnt talk to your friends about it in a group setting..like one on one..and see what they say...and tell them just to be honest...and why they dont like him f they dont...

 

I remember when i first started dating my gf..there was rumors going around that all her friends didnt a approve of me. come to find out..nobody had a problem with me but one of her friends...so just be careful

[SpottiOtti]

I have often wished I'd listened to my friends regarding guys I've dated. I'll just leave it at that.

[ParisPaulette]

Too much is unknown here. Why did he think your friends were mean? What is it about him your friends don't like? How does he treat you? What happened when he brought his uninvited friends along to your get-together? How did they all act towards each other.

 

Take a step back and ask yourself these and other hard questions. You saw how these people interacted with each other. Don't discount what you saw. Trust your own eyes. Has this happened before? Why not. I know you say this boyfriend is very different from others guys you've dated, but how exactly? And are your friends the type to rush judgments against anyone different than themselves or are they normally laid back and easygoing?

 

Chances are good you do know the answer to this question, but it may be that you don't want to know the answer or are making excuses for someone(s) behavior. I personally listen to my closest, trusted friends and the whole "invite my own friends along" thing would really rub me the wrong way. How do you feel or get along with his friends BTW?

[Raaawr]

At the end of the night, my boyfriend thinks my friends are mean and my friends hate my boyfriend. I saw them interact and it seemed like my boyfriend wasn't really trying to talk to them, and my friends just didn't like how he acted and said he seemed like a "douche." My new friends basically think that I'm dating someone who doesn't seem compatible with me, but as my friends they support me because I really like him and aren't encouraging a breakup. They just note that he and I are very different.

Your friends opinion of who you are dating is very important. Not because of how it reflects on you but they are usually a good judge of character because they dont have the rose tinted glasses on.

 

Personally speaking, my new boyfriend is very different from the usual guys I date and the people I normally hang out with. I saw that from the beginning but still hoped that it would work out with him and my friends.

Doesnt matter if he is different or not, can be good different and bad different.

 

Do you think it's possible to maintain a relationship with this -- like could I potentially just keep my closest friends and my boyfriend separate? Any anecdotes?

Most likely not. Your friends arent going to want him hanging around them if he really is as bad as they see he is to them. He is not going to want to be around your friends because of similar reasons. So you already have a tug of war going on.

 

To add onto this -- whenever we hang out with people other than just us, it's always with HIS friends now because he doesn't really like my friends. I tried inviting him to another outing of mine and he brought all of his OWN friends... it was really awkward and weird!

Sounds like he just wants you to consolidate into his life and forget your own. I went out with a girl like that. Lasted 2 years and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. She hated my friends, my friends hated her and slowly but surely her friends began to hate me because I began to resent them because I was forced around them alot of the time.

 

All in all, relationship should be about merging two lives together and you spending time with both your friends. Where you are at just sounds like a disaster is brewing. You could always try and get him to meet with your friends again and see how it goes but it would seem he has already made up his mind.

[Ms Darcy]

It's up to you if you want to be the friend who dates a douche. They'll live if you stay.

 

I would just wonder ... what makes you two so different?

[Ms Darcy]

I have often wished I'd listened to my friends regarding guys I've dated. I'll just leave it at that.

 

Amen sister.

[lifeisaparadox]

Why did he think your friends were mean?

So weird... so I asked him that night after he met my friends and then he paused and said "Just kidding, your friends are cool" like he couldn't think of anything.

 

What is it about him your friends don't like?

My friends -- all of them (who don't like him btw) -- think he acts like a total (this is their words) fratty douchebag bro.

 

How does he treat you?

He treats me really well but we're only 2 weeks deep in our actual relationship. He's been very kind, but it seems like whenever we make plans it's always whatever he wants to do and if I want to do something with my friends he won't want to come along. I, however, always hang out with him and his friends.

 

What happened when he brought his uninvited friends along to your get-together?

This was basically like two separate parties in one location... he stuck with his friends and they all talked and my friends stuck with each other and hated my boyfriend and his friends. Nobody bothered to introduce anyone. I had to keep "picking sides." This DEFINITELY rubbed me the wrong way. He told me he wanted to hang out with me and his own friends so that is why he invited them.... ugh.

 

but how exactly? And are your friends the type to rush judgments against anyone different than themselves or are they normally laid back and easygoing?

You have great questions to ask and I thought about it. Basically this guy that I am dating is into the very crazy college and young 20's lifestyle: clubbing, partying and being loud, loves doing crazy things. "Fratty bro" as my friends described him would be really accurate. I normally date guys who are like me and my friends -- we like staying in and Netflixing, chilling around and talking, occasional partying/clubbing/crazy adventures but more relaxed.

 

And my friends normally do not rush judgment at all! They're really laidback and easygoing and accepting of all people, but they don't like him.

 

How do you feel or get along with his friends BTW?

I personally feel like I get along with them fine! His friends like me and support us -- and I can easily talk to them. However I am a really social person and I get along with almost everyone so I think that helps. My group of friends aren't really that social -- they can be awkward, but they are great people.

 

You were there- do you think he was giving it one hundred percent effort? Do you think they were?

I'm not sure as I was doing my own thing and letting my boyfriend do his. He's normally very social. I saw that he ended up talking to our one mutual friend the entire time we were at the bar and only talked to my other friends once or twice. He never initiated the conversation, my friends did.

[treesandbees]

A lot of my male and female friends hated my last BF, so much that I only made social events with the ones who could tolerate him, lol and didn't discuss my relationship at all with the ones who didn't like him.

 

It got difficult, I think they saw traits I didn't see in him.

[Jennifer89]

Well sure you can make it work. Without friends of your own who want to hang out with you. Always hanging out with his friends. Always wishing your friends wanted to come out.

 

Also, I know that everyone moves at there own pace, but after months of dating you just now made it official!? Maybe it's just my issue, but if a guy makes me wait months to say that it's official, I'm loosing my **** mind and wondering why he doesn't like me enough to make it official. Why did it take so long? My BF and I made it official exactly one month and one day after our first date. It was so easy, like "Hey, so are we like, officially together?" "Uh- ya! I thought we already were!" There. Easy. Also, he met many of my coworkers and my roommate last week and they all had positive things to say about him, not one negative. They congratulate me and say they are happy for me.

 

Now, I will say, with my ex, my friends hated him. They rarely came around to hang out. They told me I should leave him and asked me what I saw in him. They said they supported me no matter what, but it was clear that they didn't really. They wanted him gone. When we got engaged, they told me not to marry him. My friend recently admitted to me that her fiance and I were planning on objecting during the ceremony. I wanted to make it official for soooo long before he did. He use to drive around pointing out women and what he liked on their bodies. Ya, we don't go blind when we get into a relationship, but come on now!

 

Think long and hard about this. Friends seem to see what we don't in relationships.

[Ms Darcy]

I know that everyone moves at there own pace, but after months of dating you just now made it official!? Maybe it's just my issue, but if a guy makes me wait months to say that it's official, I'm loosing my **** mind and wondering why he doesn't like me enough to make it official. Why did it take so long?

 

I actually think it's refreshing they dated a few months before a relationship. Not every woman is chomping at the bit for one and they want to see if the guy is the right one for a relationship. Lol.

[missmarple]

Although my friends are important to me, I have to say I've never paid any attention to their opinion about my b/f's. Harsh as it may sound, I trust my own judgement first and foremost. The same goes for my bf's opinion about my friends.

I'm not one of those people who believe that if you're part of a couple, you have to share friends, too. I keep my own friends, my bf's (ex husband included) kept their own friends and, occasionally, we would all go out together but, still, it would be like what you described, I talked more to my friends and he talked more to his.

There was a case when we all got along great and became a big group...but that wasn't really effective in the long run..because, when I broke up with the guy, I felt like I lost his friends, too...and he felt he lost mine.

 

Unless your bf is really rude to your friends (or vice versa), I don't see the problem. We can't all like the same people.