Intractable baby-name conflict, help!

[lavenderdove]

^^

The issue is SHE is demanding that HE change his name to some third name neither of them have. He never demanded she change her name, and in fact is fine if she wants to give the baby her name. The problem is she is demanding that he change his name. So that's the issue, that she is trying to force him into a name change to something else (not even a hyphenated name but a made up one) that he doesn't want to do.

[PaintWithLight]

Sorry I misread. It seems bizarre that she is expecting him to change his name. I am not in favor of any name change ultimatiums.

[journeynow]

Did he say she's demanding it? I missed that it was an ultimatum. I thought it was in the discussion stage, and it's something she "wants". Even so, it is a touchy issue, isn't it. I don't know how I'd like marrying someone who outright rejected my last name.

[abitbroken]

Sorry I misread. It seems bizarre that she is expecting him to change his name. I am not in favor of any name change ultimatiums.

 

I know a couple where the husband wanted to change his last name to his mom's maiden because he had an absent and abusive dad (when he was present) who he wanted nothing to do with and he didn't want to pass the name down. His bride-to-be agreed. However, instead of him changing his name first years ago and she changing hers after the wedding, they waited for months after the wedding to do so, distracted by newlywedness. This caused a lot of trouble And cost money. It was a tangled mess. They had to petition the name change and it was checked to make sure they weren't choosing a new last name a year into marriage because they were hiding from anything. Changing to a third name not on the marriage license can take extra steps and the judge has to ultimately approve it.

[PaintWithLight]

Did he say she's demanding it? I missed that it was an ultimatum. I thought it was in the discussion stage, and it's something she "wants". Even so, it is a touchy issue, isn't it. I don't know how I'd like marrying someone who outright rejected my last name.

 

Maybe not ultimatum but

still wants us to have a united identity as a family. My head is spinning trying to think of solutions to this issue. There seems to be no compromise

but it seems like it is her demand...errr....i mean, request. the title of the thread is intractable baby name conflict. sounds rather tense to me as she is the one driving this discussion. I hope the OP comes up with a good acceptable idea.

[SonicYouth]

Thank you for the responses, everyone! We have settled on hyphenation for the child and I'm OK with it as a reasonable compromise.

 

As far as putting the discussion off until now, I place some of the onus on myself. She HAD brought up the name issue prior to marriage and I'd essentially said "I'll think about it later," not wanting to deal with it at the time and even sort of assuming that she'd just forget about it. I appreciate that she's principled enough to not simply cave to the easiest tradition when push comes to shove.

 

And I appreciate all the replies, but the ones questioning her commitment and her readiness to have children are far off base. She couldn't be more excited about having a baby. The name issue truly is just one of principle and doesn't mask any underlying reluctance. I was simply looking for creative suggestions on one of those small life roadblocks that come up whenever you're considering a major change. If we were having major disagreements about the baby's first name I doubt it would have stirred up so much controversy.

 

Anyway, like I said, thanks for taking the time and this thread has actually become quite entertaining, so carry on.

[SonicYouth]

Double post, sorry!

[abitbroken]

Well...whether you would change your name or not is something important that went along with getting married.

 

I am glad you came to a compromise.