An addict who lost his love and misses his daughter. How to move on???

[jay278]

Heya, I'm Jared, 26. This is gonna be a long one. Props to those who can read all the way through. Excuse my bad spelling and grammar. Also I have started two other posts on this website years ago and it may be beneficial to read those beforehand to get the full picture. They are no way near as long as this one so it's up to you. I will try my best to remember and give the fullest story of my relationship with Adelle (ex), the struggle to be in my daughters life (Isabell) and the new friends with benefits situation I'm in with Sonya. If your impatient or have no interest from reading this first paragraph then this is not for you.

 

Ok, so the beginning of me and Adelle's relationship was one of the happiest times in my life, it was heavenly. I was a virgin going into the relationship at 22. The first time we got it on was amazing. I somehow knew exactly what to do and we both had great orgasms but at one point she screamed out "CUM IN ME!". I didn't but it was strange and alarm bells were going off even then in my head. Still that point in my life stands as the 2nd most happiest I have ever felt.

 

Now, I was no angel by any means back then. I came from a fairly abusive household and growing up I would deal with this by smoking excessive amounts of marijuana and playing video games religiously. This leaked through into my early 20's. Adelle knew this when I was flatting with her. Anyway after the honeymoon phase wore off we moved to Australia for better work. We didn't know anyone over there. I neglected her badly. So badly.. ahh im crying. I will always harshly regret this. She uses this as and other times as reasoning for the breakup. I would come home from work, get high and play games sometimes until 1-2am in the morning. One time she came out in some beautiful lingerie and I completely ignored her. Disgusted in myself.

 

In this time in Aussie my daughter Isabell was conceived. She was planned and created in a truly loving time even though I was a mess. We loved eachother and ill always be grateful to Adelle for this. Isabell is the light of my life. Sometimes I feel like I was nothing but a sperm doner to Adelle though.

 

Adelle also came from a troubled upbringing and she deals with this with her control issues. She doesn't think she has control issues but she does. I'll elaborate on this later. She also has a wild temper problem. Always has, she is aware of this and is working on it. She has physically assaulted me quite a few times. Many of these in Aussie. One time I came home from a long night shift and received a flying cellphone to the face. Busted my mouth up. Was a great shot and is funny when I think of it now. Another time she pretty much beat me up on the main street of Parramatta until I restrained her. I have only hit her once about a year later she was verbally chewing me up in bed. I was so tired and I rolled over and gave her what I thought was a gentle punch on her bum. I hit her square on her hip and she had a massive bruise the next day. Terrible. Still that was the one time to her 20+ odd times she has hit me. I won't tell them all now or you will be reading on for days. She say's she can't remember most of them probably due to rage.

 

So anyway when she fell pregnant she could not deal with my neglect anymore. She moved back to New Zealand for support and we stayed together for a long distance relationship. This is the time (for me) when it all started to go downhill. We had not been together for long before she got pregnant. 6 Months if I recall. We never really got to experience eachother fully. Still an addict, I stayed in Aussie working gave her the money to buy a car and promised to come back a month before Izzy's due date which I did.

 

When I got back I started working in the worst job I've ever had. Milk Merchandiser for Fonterra. Very stressful. As an addict in a bad relationship I could not cope. Especially after Izzy was born. I fell into depression badly. Adelle tried her best to pick me up but because she has depression issues herself she also could not cope. So it was off to rehab for Jay.

 

Wanna say that Isabell was born from a 45 min labor and home birth no tearing or anything. Very smooth. The happiest moment of my life. Adelle was truly something to behold in those 45 mins. Absolutly amazing. Ladies hear me out. Pregnancy Yoga. Do it. She was so much in the "birthing zone" in her mind apparently she couldn't even feel my massaging. Which is wow cause I was rubbing her as hard as I could.

 

So rehab. 2 stints in 2 different rehabs. Both didn't work. unfortunately I just wasn't ready to heal myself yet at that time. Still a Marijuana and video gaming addict I drifted around different places for about a year. Something I can't take back and damn im crying again. During this time I went at stayed at my parents for awhile as I was not coping very well with life in general. Adelle got very sick in this time and wanted me to come and help her. I was living a long way from where she lived at this time and didn't have the money to get to her. Also the relationship between my mother and her deteriorated at this time because mum couldn't understand why Adelle couldn't understand my struggles and I was very angry at Adelle for her not being able to understand my troubles so for a time I refused to speak with her and my mum took it upon herself to do this instead. Adelle is disgusted that this happened and holds resentment at me for this (or used to) saying that as a man I should be able to take charge. I was not yet a man at this point.

 

I also cheated on Adelle with a disgusting hooker. I make no excuses. I was with her weed dealing brother at the time who had no qualms about me doing what I did. Weird... Our relationship was severly on the rocks and from what ive seen men in bad relationships are prone to cheat. I told her a month later what I did as it was destroying me from the inside. She took it much better then I thought. Obviously she was falling out of love with me before I cheated anyway. Out of everything this issue really doesn't seem to bother her that much compared to the neglect and addictions and not being able to be the man that I am now.

 

After awhile I decided I wanted to go back to Aussie to work again. Adelle didn't want me to go. She showed up at the airport with Izzy and found me. She acted tough at first but when It was time to go she started crying and said "if you get on that plane im never going back to you". I tried to console her and got on the plane anyway. Another huge regret because that was the end of our relationship fully right there at least in my mind. Also I still didn't know anyone over there and once again got very lonely and depressed. This time to point of suicide. I confided in Adelle who told my family who had me flown back to New Zealand. I'm not even going to touch on the issues with my dad in Australia. It's to much to write out here.

 

Back in New Zealand, hating myself, the world my dad and stepdad. Adelle moving on and not knowing how to be a father to Izzy I once again went back to my mothers. Adelle and her friends came and visited me as she was in town visiting her sister at the time. I had been lying in bed in a depressed state for days. She came in and put Izzy on the bed and pretty much completely ignored me (I think due to not knowing how to deal with my depression again). Even though it was nice to see Izzy to have Adelle ignore me when I'm in that state pushed me over the edge. They left and mum had the crisis team come round. Sitting there talking to them brought me to face my problems which I couldn't take. I ran out to the shed and attempted to drink some sort of battery acid poison to kill myself. The crisis team guy was on the ball and wrestled me down took the bottle from me. I was then admitted into the psych ward for depression and anxiety on suicide watch.

 

The psych ward was the turning point in my life. I woke up into adulthood in there. Adelle came and visisted and let me know she was there only as a friend but wanting me to heal for Izzy. This is when I fully realized she no longer loved me. It really hurt.

 

Then along came a Sonya. Also a patient in there herself for the same reasons as me we connected hard and fast. Even making out in the TV room as the nurses chased us around trying to separate us. It was hilarious ducking and weaving the nurses to have our little make out sessions. Adelle and I both pre agreed that if we had met somebody else we would tell eachother straight away. So I rang her and told her. She was fine with it at first. Then rang back an hour later crying her eyes out. Classic Adelle, pushing me away then pulling me back. I was infatuated with Sonya by this point and was cold to Adelle's plea. She didn't expect me to meet someone so quickly and I have to say it was almost like it was meant to be. It was very strange the way I met Sonya in that place at that time. Just the coincidence of it.

 

After my time in the psych ward finished my uncle was kind enough to give me a shot as an apprentice engineer in Auckland after hearing my story. I started working hard, going to boxing training and soccer and managed to almost entirely give up on marijuana and gaming. I still have the odd smoke about once a month or so. But I don't play video games anymore. That was the worst addiction of the 2 by far. I've got my weed problem in balance now and it's great to actually be able to get stoned and to actually earn it. I will never slip into the state I was in before every again.

 

During this time Adelle started dating a convict. I was concerned at first but he is actually a very nice guy. I've never met him but he appears to be very kind and spiritual person. I want Adelle to be happy. I did however tell Adelle that my dream is to have a family unit of my own + knowing the potential for me and her I felt that if she would stop dating I wouldn't see Sonya. She said I'd have to delete Sonya from my phone and not see her but she could still date the convict and myself. That's just not gravy. So I refused.

On a weekend when I was visting Izzy at this time Adelle went on her first date with Phil (convict). He went down on her in the date and then me and her had sex later that night at her place. She told me what her and phil did the next day. I nearly vomited up my dinner. But she's single and she can do what she wants. I don't think I could get down with an ex and a first date on the same day but I did regrettably shag a hooker so I'm not one to talk. I will never do that again. Sex without any sort of connection other then physical leaves you feeling shallow and empty. A lesson well learned.

 

Sonya.. She's different to Adelle in almost everyway. Not possessive at all. Free spirited not controlling or angry. She's sorta shy and doesn't really talk much for a woman. A beautiful kind gentle presence. However since the psych ward she has gained quite a bit of weight. My attraction to her is slipping and it sucks but I don't know how to tell her. Our sex is suffering because of it. She blames it on her medication but I think its because she is lazy. I duno. Time will tell. My infatuation with her is waning. She's unemployed. It's nice to hang with a woman who's not anything like other woman. She is also Bisexual.. sooo.. yeaaa.. perhaps my first threesome one day. I'm far from the only guy in her life though but she claims im the only one she's shagging. I believe her. I don't care if she's lying really. My priority is with Isabell these days.

 

Isabell!! Izzy wizzy woo boo!! She looks exactly like me. It's amazing to think I could co-create something so pure and innocent and beautiful! She is like a little explorer. Very inquisitive and intelligent curious young soul. Adelle has done 95% of the work. I'm forever indebted to her for that. I have tried to give Adelle breaks from her but thing is she lives in Te Aroha. A very tiny town far away from anything. I've tried to live in Te Aroha a few times and couldn't find a job each time. There is nothing there. Adelle is on the single mothers welfare and I pay child support. I Skype with her as often as I can and I try to visit her when I have the money but unfortunately apprentices don't make much.

 

This is where Adelles control stuff comes in. It drives me insane and my family seriously dislikes her because of it. Isabell is breastfed but she is 20 months old now! Whenever Adelle is present she wants milkys every couple of hours or so like demand feeding. Adelle gives in everytime. Fine. But when I have Isabel she is fine. She doesn't want milky at all. She will cry for mommy every couple of hours but its nothing Daddy cant handle! I'm a damn good father naturally and I know what to do to distract her or give her some food read her a book play puzzles whatever!!! She never cries for milky when shes alone with me. Once I had her for 10 hours straight no breastmilk. Adelle uses the breastfeeding as a control thing to inhibit my access to her! Im sure of it. She says she doesn't its for Izzy's best interest but its absurd because ive proven we can do it without it time and time again. I have to drive accross the country spend my pay and stay at her parents house WITH HER and she never meets me halfway on anything. Adelles way or the highway. The parenting order I foolishly agreed to has my damn nuts in a vice. I cannot afford lawyers to amend it and yes ive tried. Because she is on welfare in New Zealand she gets a free damn lawyer!!

 

Don't even get me started on how selfish in bed she is. For example once we had been shagging for literally about 30 seconds. She had an orgasm and dried right up! I didn't even get to blow! She then verbally chewed me out for 3 hours straight before she rolled over and went to sleep. I had to get up masterbate thinking about her big glorious booty after she went to sleep. It really messes with your confidence when you gotta do that after being verbally abused for hours. Another time she complained about me not going down on her ever. I did once and it tasted terrible like what pure urine must taste like. I nearly puked. Then she has the gall to say she just wants a guy that knows how to shag her! This is croc of crap. I NEVER orgasm unless my sexual partner has orgasm at least once and adelle cums within 2 minutes every damn time then complains of soreness so I have to stop! I'm very gentle as this was a big thing for her at the start of our relationship. I'm open to try anything except something being put in my butt. She never wanted to try new stuff it was always missionary or cowgirl and that's it. She never wanted to talk about how to improve it. This was another control thing because it was good for her but bad for me. She didn't care. She never cared about how I felt about things.

 

So this is where I'm at now. Adelle is cold at me these days. She says she wants us to be friends but friends are 50 50. Not like this. She will not talk about anything with me and continues to control the terms on which I can visit Isabel. I pretty sure she's still dating phil but that's her thing. Her own brother hates her for similar stuff. She used to bully her younger sister quite harshly when they were younger. She makes no apologies. Sonya is great but very new in my life and im very wary of her (as she is with me). Sonya knows about the adelle situation. Isabell is progressing well as Adelle is a great mother. She really is. I don't know what to do. If only we could communicate or get counselling. I still and will always love her and protect her. I don't think I ever won't. It really hurts. I cannot let the hateful thoughts I have for her overwhelm whats truly important is Isabel. But damn. Makes it so hard.

 

So there it is. Good work for reading through it if you did. I'm leaving a lot of stuff out from me being abused in my childhood to the nitty gritty details of Adelle assaulting me and stuff. She bang me up pretty good sometimes. She doesn't hit Izzy though and never would. I know that for a fact. She does scream at her sometimes but she really is a Great mother. Remember though that I was not able to be a father for the first 13-14 months of Isabells life. It would have damaged her to have me around. I'm good now though. Better then good. I'm bloody weapon. It's really sad for that Adelle cannot see my growth and how far I've come. It really hurts. I don't know how to resolve this..

[Xylitol]

I think the essence to your life is to understand what brings emptiness and what really is important to your life.

 

I think your main problem is that you are blaming things outside of your life for the misery you are going through. Being abused is definitely a life changing negative event, and much like a car accident caused by someone else, it s simular in the sense that , someone else causes it, and you are left with the injuries both mental and physical. Now without the proper treatment you will suffer from it for years. You might want to read into that link removed.

 

Secondary there are a lot of `emotional` choices you made in life. Now i myself have been a video game addict since i was 5 years old, and it took more then 25 years for me to understand that `emotional` choices are absolutely forbidden. Why?, because emotions have no basis in reality. Wanting that drug or play that game so bad, or drink or smoke are expressions of your emotions. Reality however is you get

destroyed by emotional based thinking. So i myself exchanged my decision making with mechanical thinking. If the result is realistically positive and non destructive, then the decision is positive. Emotions are only good for expressing, not for decision making.

[jay278]

How am I blaming anything other then myself for this failed relationship? I have healed my addictions which is blaming myself. The rest of it is true events which im simply retelling. I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I agree with the emotional choices though.

 

I just want to know how to get over my broken heart for Adelle? It's so hard. Also the distance I have to travel to see my daughter and then having to see Adelle constantly while visiting her is just too much for me.