Match.com is depressing me.

[acfan]

I am just looking at the ads and it seems like I would never match up to what the women want on there. I know men probably have the same high standards, but I am only looking at the women's ads. It is the same depression when I see job postings and it makes me sad when I don't qualify. I have not put an ad and was just looking, but what your experience been with online dating? Just wondering.

[numbnut]

Please forgive me if 'm wrong but link removed is not an emplyment site but a dating site.

 

Now, if you see this as an emplyment opportunity then you need to go to a different kind of site, or perhaps you don't understand that you don't get paid for dating. if you see this as a job then sure you ain't going to be suitable.

 

However if you put a good ad together not too serious but let youself, should we say SHINE THROUGh there will be someone out there for you.

 

Just don't ask me for a reference - good luck

[Man with Dog]

Maybe the women won't find what they are looking for. I guess they are after solvent, employed blokes and there's increasingly fewer of them around these days.

 

I would try putting a profile up, you never know until you try.

 

Good luck.

[Tanzi]

Most women …. specifically maturer women … just want a decent man who will treat them well. Looks can play a part initially but most of us are aware that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it is mostly about connection and chemistry. Self-confidence (but not over-confidence) plays a big part too.

 

If you are any of these things (though it sounds as though confidence might be an issue) then you aren't falling short of what most DECENT women want. If some women's requirements reads like a who's who of Hollywood A listers then they aint' worth your (or anyone else's) time anyway???

[Dougie_D]

Most women …. specifically maturer women … just want a decent man who will treat them well. Looks can play a part initially but most of us are aware that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it is mostly about connection and chemistry. Self-confidence (but not over-confidence) plays a big part too.

 

If you are any of these things (though it sounds as though confidence might be an issue) then you aren't falling short of what most DECENT women want. If some women's requirements reads like a who's who of Hollywood A listers then they aint' worth your (or anyone else's) time anyway???

 

A picture and some profile is not going to let anyone know if that person has self confidence or not. Online dating is HARD for the average guy in general.

[missmarple]

A picture and some profile is not going to let anyone know if that person has self confidence or not. Online dating is HARD for the average guy in general.

 

I imagine a-little-blue meant confidence when a guy approaches a woman online.

[Tanzi]

A picture and some profile is not going to let anyone know if that person has self confidence or not. Online dating is HARD for the average guy in general.

 

I realise that. However I am referring to the OP's point to what women are looking for in a potential partner and why he feels he doesn't "qualify".

 

The way online dating works, we can't get away from the fact that someone's profile picture is the first thing we see. However if some people have ridiculously high standards thereafter then that is their prerogative … it is also their problem.

[Tanzi]

I imagine a-little-blue meant confidence when a guy approaches a woman online.

 

I did indeed missmarple … you super sleuth you!! ;-)

[acfan]

Please forgive me if 'm wrong but link removed is not an emplyment site but a dating site.

 

Now, if you see this as an emplyment opportunity then you need to go to a different kind of site, or perhaps you don't understand that you don't get paid for dating. if you see this as a job then sure you ain't going to be suitable.

 

However if you put a good ad together not too serious but let youself, should we say SHINE THROUGh there will be someone out there for you.

 

Just don't ask me for a reference - good luck

I was making a comparison with how I feel when I look for jobs. I understand it is not a job search site.

[annie24]

well, if a woman says she wants a man who has the body of a god and makes $100,000 a year, and these don't apply to you, then don't email her. Try to find other women to write to who are describing who you are. A good feature that link removed has is the "reverse search" feature, so you can look for women who are looking for men like you. I think that's a better bet when contacting others online.

[doberman100]

I am just looking at the ads and it seems like I would never match up to what the women want on there. I know men probably have the same high standards, but I am only looking at the women's ads. It is the same depression when I see job postings and it makes me sad when I don't qualify. I have not put an ad and was just looking, but what your experience been with online dating? Just wondering.

 

I've used link removed in the past, in addition to eHarmony, and other reputable dating sites. I've also had two relationships through dating sites, and met my fiance through internet dating. So - I hope I can comment meaningfully on this.

 

You have every reason to get depressed about browsing through profiles. What you read is someone's idea of what they need to write in order to get a date in most cases. What you read might not actually be true either. The only way to really get to know a) what someone wants and b) who they actually are - not what they put up on a dating profile - is to meet them and have a chat.

 

So don't get hung up on what you read too much. There is something un-natural about browsing through human beings as you would on link removed.

 

If you've not put an ad up there, just do it. Nothing to lose. Get to know what internet dating is really like rather than concluding that it's not for you, or that you won't get anywhere. That's fatalism, and that will get you nowhere.

 

I also sense you're feeling quite down about yourself. You say you don't qualify, but why do you say that? What is it about yourself that you think "women" won't like?

 

Remember that in a lot of cases people are not as blinkered as you think. For some people finding someone special is more than ticking boxes on a dating site. Some people cannot even articulate what they want to themselves, let alone on a dating site. What I'm saying is that human being are too dynamic and unpredictable to be modeled on an internet dating profile.

 

I don't think you should use internet dating profiles to guide your own feelings of self esteem in the first place. Speak to real people about that. It's all to easy to let feelings of low esteem snowball out of control.

[SoulTaker]

Online dating is a numbers game, pure and simple. If you go into it with a negative attitude, then that's what you'll get from it. As the man, you'll be doing the searching. If you find someone whose profile is worth contacting, then send her a 2-4 sentence reply about something in her profile. Then keep searching other profiles, and do the same. Don't worry about whether the profile matches up. If there are no deal-breakers in her profile, then go for it.

 

Online dating is meant to provide another option to dating, and not be the only means. If you send out 50 replies, and get no responses, then go after the next wave of profiles until your membership expires. Make sure you have decent current photos, and a short good write-up in your profile. There is also an option to see if they've reviewed your profile. This can be handy in determining whether your reply to them is doing the job.

[John John]

Just do what I do. Create your profile, occasionally make random "updates" (like putting in an extra punctuation mark somewhere, then removing it, re-adding it, and so forth), and let them look at your profile. Then, simply visit the profiles of the ones that have reached out/winked at you. That's always what I've done. However, in order to do this, you need to build an irresistible profile. Remember how in school we were told that some exams were graded with partial credit? With a man's online dating profile, EVERYTHING counts (even the stupid little sh*t you think no one cares about, like using too many exclamation points a la Seinfeld). Women are much harsher "graders" than men, and I guarantee you, they will notice everything (at least, the ones you WANT to message you will ).

 

Granted, if I was bored, I would sometimes go window shopping, but all the stars had to align for me to consider messaging them (attracted to her, doesn't come accross as "I'm better than you" or "me me me," have some things in common, seems down to Earth, gut tells me there's even a chance she would respond). This didn't happen very often. And I have absolutely no patience to sift through the rat race clusterf*ck that is men courting women on the interwebs. Come to papa!

[Blue Spiral]

I absolutely agree that men courting women online is a disaster. However...

 

However, in order to do this, you need to build an irresistible profile. Remember how in school we were told that some exams were graded with partial credit? With a man's online dating profile, EVERYTHING counts (even the stupid little sh*t you think no one cares about, like using too many exclamation points a la Seinfeld). Women are much harsher "graders" than men, and I guarantee you, they will notice everything (at least, the ones you WANT to message you will ).

 

...this hasn't been my experience. I found women online for over fifteen years, and the vast majority of them admitted that they barely even glanced at my profile. Many didn't look at all. They had so many guys messaging them that they didn't have time to click on all of their profiles; it was easier for them just to chat.

[IAmFCA]

I think OLD offers a vast range of experiences because it encompasses such a broad range of people.

 

I don't get that many messages, because I screen a lot out in my profile. I am good with that. I am cute, accomplished etc etc; my wingman confirmed he would not respond to my profile because of what I put in there. Which is purposeful.

 

That said, I do have kids, and have been able to maintain an active personal life using OLD as a principal source of new introductions. Have met ample 1 - 5 date people, several STR people, and am involved 18 months with someone from OLD.

 

Counter-intuitive My guy friend just got dumped for not sleeping with a woman on the first date.

 

Life is totally random in OLD!

 

The one think I think is true for everyone, is we all like an upbeat point of view. Not cheerful necessarily, but not complaining either. Everything else seems to reflect who we are and who we attract/weed out. Somehow, our true selves leak through in our pictures and our writing, and people can smell chaos, weakness, availability or the opposites of those things.

[John John]

I absolutely agree that men courting women online is a disaster. However...

 

...this hasn't been my experience. I found women online for over fifteen years, and the vast majority of them admitted that they barely even glanced at my profile. Many didn't look at all. They had so many guys messaging them that they didn't have time to click on all of their profiles; it was easier for them just to chat.

 

You're saying that women you actually went out said to you that they barely glanced at your profile? If that is the case, then it just means that they found you attractive and picked you almost solely based on your pics. Women are just as superficial as men (in some cases, worse). I remember I had a date with a hot Latina (spitting image of Sophia Vergara). I couldn't even believe I landed her for one date. Well, it was pure dumb luck. She flat out told me that she never reads profiles (she had no idea about anything I wrote, and my profile is painstakingly awesome), and she picks solely based on pictures. She showed me her inbox, she had over 600 unread emails in the past 24 hours. Made my stomach turn. This is what us men have to contend with these days.

 

I'm kind of over online dating. I've had great success with it, but the overall concept (and how unfair it is to men) is starting to wear on me (even though my profiles have been inactive for months). When I want to do date, I'm doing it the old fashioned way (OLD as a backup only). Two out of the three girls I met last year that I actually liked I met in real life.

[annie24]

^^^ 600 unread emails if a woman is a movie star look-a-like. If she is an average looking woman, chances are that her inbox is not flooded and she has read her emails.

[John John]

^^^ 600 unread emails if a woman is a movie star look-a-like. If she is an average looking woman, chances are that her inbox is not flooded and she has read her emails.

 

Annie, I agree with you in theory, and I definitely took that into consideration. But I have plenty of average to below average looking female friends, and they're still getting many emails. I know one who doesn't even have a picture up, and she gets tons of emails and dates. It boggles my mind.

 

Granted, I'm sure many of these emails aren't from quality guys, but it still makes the overall process easier for women (at least as far as rejection/getting to that first date).

[annie24]

I have a friend (who calls herself a 6/10 on a good day) who was on link removed for 6 months without any dates. I think to say that women overall have it easier is not really true. I think both genders can have it rough on online dating if they don't have great pics.

[John John]

I have a friend (who calls herself a 6/10 on a good day) who was on link removed for 6 months without any dates. I think to say that women overall have it easier is not really true. I think both genders can have it rough on online dating if they don't have great pics.

 

Wow. To me that sounds crazy! A 6/10 = cute woman. I'm very surprised to hear she's not getting dates. I wonder if her profile has something off-putting in it?

[Blue Spiral]

You're saying that women you actually went out said to you that they barely glanced at your profile? If that is the case, then it just means that they found you attractive and picked you almost solely based on your pics. Women are just as superficial as men (in some cases, worse).

 

I agree that women can be just as superficial as men, but I never used pics, if you can believe it. Women have always liked me for my personality. (And, okay, I'm either "cute" or "hot", allegedly.)

[IAmFCA]

Yeah yeah yeah.... women get hammered with messages, men are exchangeable one for the other. Its an old saw, my friend MCJD. If it were as one-sided as you say, we would pick who we want, you would couple up with us, and the race would be won.

 

It just isn't that simple. We don't hear from the men we want, making the other messages meaningless noise. Use a filter, screen them out, focus on the good ones. If women aren't filtering, they aren't worth your time. Women who don't screen are looking for affirmation, or are looking for trial bfs to help them figure out what they want in a real bf one day.

 

A serious woman who knows what she wants will treat her time with more discretion. Reading a profile before a date is like preparing for a sales call: you just do it, as a matter of discipline, unless you really get backed up that day. Certainly before I agree to a date I will have screened you. The time to screen you is well spent if it prevents wasting a few hours.

 

Men: screen her back! Make sure she knows something about you, has bothered to pick you from the bunch with thoughtfulness, before you invest your time. Both people need to use some discretion before moving forward.

[John John]

I agree that women can be just as superficial as men, but I never used pics, if you can believe it. Women have always liked me for my personality. (And, okay, I'm either "cute" or "hot", allegedly.)

 

Wow man. Aware me on your super Blue Spiral powers. You, a MAN, manage to get dates via OLD...WITHOUT PICTURES?!?!?! Color me super impressed!

 

I think I got a lot of dates because I'm pretty photogenic (and I only use one professional corporate shot, the rest are "real life/action shots"), but my profile is extremely well-written and genuine.

[John John]

I know I can sometimes come off as "woe are men" in terms of OLD, but that is what I have observed quite a bit. But as I've said many times, I agree that finding a suitable partner is equally as hard for both sexes. I just think the initial stages of dating are easier for women. Many men do not get the luxury that some of us (me and blue spiral, for instance) men have of women emailing us...so even though you may not like all the emails you're getting from men, at least you have something to potentially work with. Many men don't get that.

 

In all fairness...one of my female friends (by her own admission) is a total wh*re. She's not attractive at all, but gets hundreds of emails (from some pretty good looking guys) becuase she lists "casual sex" on her OKC profile. So yeah...I guess we can remove her from the "sample" lol

 

And ITIC: I totally screen em back, always have

[annie24]

Wow. To me that sounds crazy! A 6/10 = cute woman. I'm very surprised to hear she's not getting dates. I wonder if her profile has something off-putting in it?

 

I have never seen her profile, but next time she complains about online dating, I'll ask to see her profile to maybe see if there is an obvious problem.

 

Overall, that is a good point, it is good to have friends look at your profile to give suggestions before putting it up.