Depressed unhappy girlfriend. Should I give up?

[Hugwolf]

I’m feeling really disappointed right now and am on the cusp of ending things with the girl I've been dating for 11 weeks, but I’m unsure. I already posted about her a few weeks ago and our lack of sex. Things haven’t changed in that department but I've learned a lot more about her since then.

 

We've had a lot of deep talks in the past few weeks. Last night we had another. She shared with me that she has felt really stressed and pressured to fix things with us (mainly the lack of sex). She doesn't understand why I am still with her and is afraid I am just holding out for sex. She has a history of drug use and has smoked heroin a few times to cope with her stress recently. This freaks me out. I’m ok with recreational drug use but using heroin to cope with life is scary. She said she had been doing so well in the past 6 months but in the last month things have become really difficult. Since I met her she has seemed up-and-down with depression, motivation, self esteem, irritability and happiness. She lost her job before I met her and has been unemployed since and I know that has played a role. She has only applied to one job since I met her and she blames the stress caused by us. Obviously I like her and want to be supportive or I wouldn't still be here, but it sounds like my presence is only making things harder for her. Needless to say, this has been increasingly stressful and distracting for me too and that is my dilemma.

 

In our talk she suggested that we just end things because it was interfering with her getting her life back on track and she was afraid this situation was hurting me, but she wasn't sure if that was what she wanted. She asked me some weird questions like if I would immediately put my profile back up if we broke up and how long it would take me to get over her. After talking we cuddled and she silently cried on me.

 

My birthday is on Wednesday and we will be spending most of the day together. She said we didn't need to make any decisions until after then and we “would figure it out, or not.” I’m not sure what to do at this point. Part of me just wants to bail right now because I feel like things aren't getting better, but maybe I should give her more time and let it play out more? I just don't know if it will get better or worse. She mentioned that she spent some time last week researching therapists and I’m thinking about encouraging her to continue looking. Anyone have advice?

[mhowe]

It has been almost 3 months...and this girls life is a mess. I would end it...you are not invested enough to "see her through" this. She has a drug problem, therapy, an employment. Surely there are other women whose life is more stable and who are ready for a relationship. She is not.

[annie24]

define what you mean by "lack of sex." Is she waiting until marriage, or until she has dated you longer? or does she like it once a month and you like it once a day?

[Hugwolf]

define what you mean by "lack of sex." Is she waiting until marriage, or until she has dated you longer? or does she like it once a month and you like it once a day?

This was the topic of my previous thread. Basically, we started sleeping together after almost 3 weeks, had birth control problems/disagreements and had some unprotected sex, decided to stop having sex until she got her period and BC was sorted out. This was where things starting going sour with us. We started to stress about pregnancy while waiting for her period which made being physically close awkward. It also had other complicated effects on her feelings for me which may have been permanent. Since then we have had no sex (it's been over a month). She thought that if we could just make it happen again that it would be less awkward for her but our plans to try to do it have been foiled by either miscommunication, her period, or not having time. She has had no spontaneous desire to have sex, otherwise, but then again we have not even had an opportunity to try for the past two weeks.

 

She told me last week that she hasn't felt sexually attracted to me recently. I asked her more about that because it obviously concerned me and she said that kind of attraction was "cyclical" and I couldn't expect to be there all the time due to stress and other things in life. That makes some sense, but it seemed like a very unnecessary thing to say if it were not a more serious issue on her mind.

[Hugwolf]

It has been almost 3 months...and this girls life is a mess. I would end it...you are not invested enough to "see her through" this. She has a drug problem, therapy, an employment. Surely there are other women whose life is more stable and who are ready for a relationship. She is not.

 

Yeah. I've been asking myself why I'm putting up with this. She isn't sure why I haven't gone running, too. All I have been able to say to myself and her is that it took a while for me to click with someone and I felt that it was worth putting more work into. But this seems like too much now.

[annie24]

It kind of sounds like you guys aren't a "match" - which is ok, not everyone is a match, and it's common to figure that out around the 3 month mark.

[faraday]

Ahhh, run away!!! Why are you even debating this?

 

The first 6 months, people are on their best behavior...this is her at her best...and she's probably got a ton of stuff she's not talking about with you...get out while you can.

[LoveSoDeep]

I would say if you're not okay with her drug use as a way to cope then you should leave because she has told you that's not even how she wants to be but she obviously isn't in control right now. I think it would be best for both of you if you just walked away.

[Hugwolf]

Thanks for everyone's responses. I was pretty sure I knew what the responses would be like but it's good to hear nonetheless.

 

@faraday - I could tell it was a huge weight off her shoulders when she finally told me about the drugs but I would be surprised if there weren't more secrets. I think you're right.

 

@LoveSoDeep - I don't know how I feel about the drugs. She wants to stop and has said she sees me as a good influence, though obviously that doesn't seem to be working out. I guess I'm more concerned that I seem to be a source of stress rather than support. Ending it would likely be best- I'm just disappointed that it took a nosedive.

[jak3]

Give yourself a birthday gift by leaving her.

 

Her problems are not yours. Don't try to make the mistake of fixing her.

[Hugwolf]

Give yourself a birthday gift by leaving her.

 

This is sadly amusing because I ended my last relationship on my birthday.