I just can't handle this anymore!

[mindless14]

My fiance of 6 years left me and is with someone else already. Living with her, telling her he loves her. We have a 4 year old together and I have 36 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. We've always had our issues in our relationship, but it's always seemed to me like we were overall happy. Everyone has problems right? Well about 3 months ago, coincidentally enough, literally 2 days after he started talking to new gf, he broke up with me. Told me that we're "broken" and that we can't be happy together. He says I've never been there for him, never supported him and always made him feel alone. (This is why he says he was able to move on so quickly.)

 

However from the initial break up until about a month and half later, we were on and off. Still living together, and got back together a few times, him telling me that he just needed time to work through feelings and that he does love me, but just wants to make sure that all of our problems are resolved and we never feel like this again before jumping back into it. I went along with all of this, and throughout the whole time, he was still talking to this other girl, who is married with 2 kids of her own. He actually admitted to me a few days after he left me that he thought he had feelings for her. Cried over it in front of me and everything. Then a day later said that he didn't really and he figured out that it was just him being vulnerable. He started hiding his phone and deleting texts, something he'd never done before. Got defensive when I asked why. It caused many more issues.

 

I ended up finding texts 2 separate times between the two of them talking about being together, loving each other, missing each other, etc. The first time I confronted him, and he said that she was also having problems in her relationship and they were basically filling that void with each other, begged for me to forgive him, swore it'd never happen again. All of that. And I did. Then I found more not too long after. I again confronted him. He said that they "staged" the conversation because he wanted to see if I'd look at his phone. She went along with the story. Again, I chose to believe this because it was easier for me. We got back together again. This whole time, they were talking non stop, hanging out everyday. We ended up breaking up again, and for good. He still swore that they were just friends and he didn't understand why everyone thought otherwise. (I was not the only one who saw this, his friends, parents, her friends and husband, all questioned their friendship and said they knew something was happening.)

 

I continued to believe him and even hung out with this girl with him, allowed her in my house, and made every effort to be her friend. Then after the last big argument, he moved out. We talked a lot about staying friends for our kids. Decided maybe we just couldn't work because we both want different things, too much hurt had already happened and maybe we were better as friends. We even hung out a few times, he still comes over to help with things I can't do due to being pregnant. We come together for everything regarding our son. He still maintains that nothing was going on with this girl, however after moving out he admitted to me that two days after moving out of my house, he slept with her, and that they have feelings for each other, but aren't really sure what it is or if it's real. He said they are not trying to pursue anything, he just wants to better understand his feelings and see if they are real or just coming from him being vulnerable right now.

 

However, 3 short weeks later, she's getting a divorce, has moved into her own apartment, and he's living with her. LIVING WITH HER! And now they're together. Officially. And he tells her loves her. He's even brought up to me the possibility of my kids spending their days with him at her house, LIVING THERE for 3 and half days a week. (He currently stays at his parents the days he has our son) He is moving in with me for 6 weeks after I have the baby to help out and because I told him he will absolutely not be taking a newborn baby for 3 days a week over night. I don't know how to deal with this. I still love him so much, and want my family back.

 

As good as it makes me feel to hear him tell me he'll always be here for me and will always love me and we'll always be close friends, I can't handle it anymore because I know he's laying with her at night telling her everything he used to tell me. He swore to me that no one will ever take my place and said he's made it clear to her that him and I will always be close and he will always be friends with me and be here for me and supposedly told her that if she can't accept that he can't be with her. Yet, last night, he went took our son to fireworks with me and I saw her texting him that she was "getting pissed" and he started updating her every 2 minutes on the way home how close to home he was.

 

I'm worried he'll allow her to come between him and our kids eventually, though he swears he never will. As much as I want him here with me, every time he comes over to help me with something or we meet up for something, it kills me when he leaves, especially when I see him leaving with her or he's driving her truck. I want so bad to cut off all contact except when it comes to our kids and just get over him, but I can't. I also want really bad to just be able to be his friend and look at it as nothing more and have that not hurt me so bad, because we are great friends and maybe that is all we were ever really meant to be. I just don't understand how he can be in so deep with someone he just met 3 months ago and after he just left me. And right before he left me, we were not having problems. I felt we were happy. We weren't fighting, we were excited for our new baby, which was PLANNED!! just 5 months before he left me! Was he cheating on my with her all along, is that why he left? Am I just too blind to see that? Am I in denial!!?

 

He's not really shy about telling me things. Even when he's done things wrong and knows things will hurt me, he tells me. And continues to tell me everything still. But I can't help but connect the dots that this girl really was the reason for our break up. The texts I found said it was "love at first sight" for them, 5 months before he left me. But that I know of, they hadn't really started talking until a few days before he left me. Could there be more I dont know about? And even if he left our relationship emotionally a long time ago and thats why he can move on so quickly, why is he able to be so deep in with her so quickly if they really did only start talking not even 3 months ago? I mean, LIVING TOGETHER!!! With or without an ex and kids, I think that's a little bit fast. And my son is involved now too because he was already friends with her kids, I can't not allow him to see his friends. But, as long as they're telling the truth, when they get the kids together to play they do not act as a couple in anyway, because they do not want to confuse the kids at this point. My son also tells me a lot and has not told me that they do anything they shouldnt be doing in front of the kids.

 

This just kills me. I don't know how to handle this, at all. I hate him and don't want to see or hear from him as much as I love him and find reasons to talk to him throughout the day. I know it'll be even harder when he moves back in for 2 months and then is leaving to go see her or she's calling him, and it'll be the worst when he leaves for good. I literally do not know how to live anymore and if it weren't for my kids I don't think I'd be able to. I feel so angry and hurt and betrayed, and everytime I talk to him about it all, he makes me feel like it's my fault. Stressing how much I wasn't there for him and didn't love him. I feel like I've done everything possible to show him love for the past 6 years. Yes, I've made mistakes, said mean things in fights, but who doesn't. I've also bent over backwards to do anything to make him happy. And I was there for him, always trying to talk about whats going on with him, how he's doing, how he's feeling. He shut me out. He told me to leave him alone. He would tell me he didn't want to talk about it. And then get mad at me if I continued to try. Please please please, someone tell me how to get over this and just be ok again. I feel like the biggest hurt here is him being with someone else, and being so happy already, and rubbing it in my face. And her being the girl he "wasn't" cheating on me with. Please help!

[SooSad33]

"I ended up finding texts 2 separate times between the two of them talking about being together, loving each other, missing each other, etc. The first time I confronted him, and he said that she was also having problems in her relationship and they were basically filling that void with each other, begged for me to forgive him, swore it'd never happen again"

- HE is messed up- totally.

 

"He still maintains that nothing was going on with this girl, however after moving out he admitted to me that two days after moving out of my house, he slept with her, and that they have feelings for each other, but aren't really sure what it is or if it's real"

- Yes, he is in denial to try & keep you at bay. Don't play these head games.

 

Stop digging because all of this stuff, you already know! You are only continuing to hurt yourself.

 

Do not let the kids visit him at her place. he can visit with them at his parents.

 

" And even if he left our relationship emotionally a long time ago and thats why he can move on so quickly, why is he able to be so deep in with her so quickly if they really did only start talking not even 3 months ago? I mean, LIVING TOGETHER!!!"

- They are int hat honeymoon phase where things are so great. Give it time.

 

Don't take all his negativity to heart. It takes TWO. YOu tried, you did your best.

He just used all of that as a way to get himself out of his actions ( excuses).

 

I feel that they only way you're going to get over this is to stop all interactions. NOTHING unless it has to do with the kids... that's it!

 

NO more meddling for info. No more 'trying to get along'. Because you can't. It's emotionally & mentally draining. You don't need that.

Only deal with him when you have to.

 

It takes a while to accept what's all happened.. yes it's painful & shocking..

 

tc

[Deciduous]

Hello my darling,

 

I can see you are going through one of the worst times of your life. Can I tell you something? Doesn't matter how tough your marriage was getting recently, doesn't matter how difficult your arguments were getting...ONLY A WEAK HUMAN BEING WOULD BEHAVE AS HE HAS DONE.

 

It takes a "special" individual to put his own "needs", before the health of his unborn child. One has to be especially narcissistic to the point of total self absorption.

 

I feel so angry and hurt and betrayed, and everytime I talk to him about it all, he makes me feel like it's my fault. Stressing how much I wasn't there for him and didn't love him. I feel like I've done everything possible to show him love for the past 6 years. Yes, I've made mistakes, said mean things in fights, but who doesn't. I've also bent over backwards to do anything to make him happy. And I was there for him, always trying to talk about whats going on with him, how he's doing, how he's feeling.

 

Honey, you don't have to convince me. There are no excuses. This isn't how a strong man behaves. This isn't how a strong man demonstrates a sense of responsibility to their children, born and unborn.

 

You don't have to convince any-one on that point. His behavior was unacceptable and attempting to convince you it was your fault and his behavior was a reasonable reaction, given the circumstances - just makes him look emotionally deceitful and rather weak, I am sorry to say. This is not the time to justify yourself to him or his girlfriend. This time is all about you.

 

What sort of emotional support do you have in place, at the moment? You deserve the comfort of your friends and family rallying around you at this tough time.

 

This should all be about you and what you need. I realise you love this man very much, and that is understandable - you two have a long history and you want to keep your family intact. But the most important thing here is, keeping YOU intact.

 

If you have a midwife or social help, now is the time to tell them what is going on. They have heard this tale before. They have seen other women go through it and come out the other side. They won't be judgmental, but will want to find ways of supporting you emotionally and your health. They can put you touch with some-one to talk with at such a vulnerable and devastating time.

 

And this what you deserve, not accusations about your past relationship history. Have you got that?

 

I can tell you are "old toughie" You've got up each day, you've looked after your boy and you have kept on going. You've put one foot in front of the other. You've attempted to sort this mess out and have a rational conversation with your partner. You've tried to keep it together for the sake of your son and I have nothing but admiration for you.

 

However, part of self-love is saying "I deserve support, and I need it." Now is the time to lean on others. There are some moments in life when we need others to carry us through, when we need the strength of others - and you shouldn't be ashamed to ask.

 

Sweetie, I cannot tell you how to get over your husband instantaneously. You know that no-one can.

 

I totally hear you are going through incredible grief and sorrow right now. Well, this period in your life is about putting one foot in front of the other as you have been doing so far. You will get through it.

 

I promise you, there will be moment in five years time when you will remember this time now - this moment, - without the pain you are in now. You will realise that whatever is to happen now, was meant to be.

 

It is about getting to that point. It's about making it through this excruciating time - whichever way it turns out. This is about keeping you safe and your baby safe.

 

You have to come first and you have to put yourself first. I'm sorry but you are the one that counts right now, you are the one that is important.

 

Please reach out for help, sweetie. If you look for it, you will find it.

 

God bless.

 

Deci

[mindless14]

I have people to talk to. Most of them just want to badly about him, and sometimes that helps. I just dont know how to handle it being that I can't bring myself to think badly of him. I try so hard to see his side and justify it and be a friend to him. I can't imagine us being the parents that only say hi and bye when dropping the kids off. I know we're not going to hang out everyday, but I'd like us to be able to have a friendly conversation when we do see each other, I'd like to be able to come together for events for our kids. I'd like us to be able to call each other when we need a friend, just like we always have. But what's preventing this is my feelings for him. As much as I want this, I just want to erase him, because I cannot stop thinking about the two of them together, and when I do it makes me sick to my stomach. I dont know how to achieve the friendly relationship we so badly want without torturing myself everytime he says her name or I have to see them together or something. It's all I think about. And I dont know how to put it out of my mind.

[annie24]

My fiance of 6 years left me and is with someone else already. Living with her, telling her he loves her. We have a 4 year old together and I have 36 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. We've always had our issues in our relationship, but it's always seemed to me like we were overall happy. Everyone has problems right? Well about 3 months ago, coincidentally enough, literally 2 days after he started talking to new gf, he broke up with me. Told me that we're "broken" and that we can't be happy together. He says I've never been there for him, never supported him and always made him feel alone. (This is why he says he was able to move on so quickly.)

 

From the beginning, it sounds to me that while maybe the 'ups and downs' were ok for you, it doesn't sound like they were working for him. I guess all couples have their problems, but to varying degrees, some problems more serious than others. It sounds like this was too much to handle, and he chose to bolt, rather than try to work it out with you and your kids, yet again. Instead of taking off some time to be single and really reflect, it sounds like he's gotten into another insta-relationship, which doesn't sound like the best choice to me.

 

I think that the best thing to do at this point would be to accept that this is over, and work out some kind of custody agreement with him and consider getting a lawyer, so you are getting appropriate child support payments (or if he is going to have 50% custody or whatnot).