I'm looking at the future, he isn't.

[whitwhit]

I have a good relationship with my boyfriend. It can be very fulfilling when its great and when it isn't- we at least talk about it comfortably. Recently though, I have been doubting my decision to stay with him and I am worried that if I do decide to leave him- I will regret it.

 

I am 25, He is 27. He is Japanese, and I am an American with latin ancestry. We have been together for about a year.

 

In 5 years, I see myself living in a house with my partner (either married or on the path to life commitment) and kind of you know... moving on with my life, career, family... etc. Sometimes, I worry that he only sees us staying together for a few years and ending it for whatever normal reason. I have been recently been having thoughts like " I don't want to date someone who isn't going to marry me." "I don't want to be single past the age of 32." So I brought the subject up tonight at dinner. I didn't use the word, marry. But I did talk about growing up and progressing in a convincing way.

 

He told me, "I don't think about the future, only about tomorrow. You make me happy."

 

I liked hearing it, and it makes sense that he would say that... He is a medical student and has a couple years to go before he starts working... To him his adult life hasn't really begun yet...

 

But mine has. I work full time, I have a career. I pay my own bills with my own hard earned cash. My time and emotions are an investment for me- a serious investment... not trying to make it sound like his aren't, they are too... But sometimes it feels like he doesn't think about them the same way I do... He feels like he is immortal and devil-may-care (his confidence has always been so attractive to me)... But I feel like I need to prove myself and set up a future for the family I have always wanted. He has admitted that he has no idea what he wants. He knows at some point he wants the whole family, home, kids thing... just not when.

 

 

I don't think about this subject every day or even every time I see him, but when it does come up- it makes me feel uncomfortable. Like I am forgetting that something that needs to be done by a deadline or something. Which is ridiculous- my life isn't a series of deadlines. So why so I feel so weird about it?

 

 

Sometimes when I meet new people- especially new dudes- I wonder whether I am wasting my 20's with someone who is going to cut a run when it comes time to make plans for the future. Especially when I could be sharing my life with someone who wants to plan a future with me. It makes me feel super confused, because I really love this man. He is funny, accepting, sacrificing and extremely honest. The kind of guy that won't even question the extra mile if you ask for it, he will simply do it... I want these things in my life, I want him. I want to grow closer together with him... so it kind of hurts that he doesn't think about keeping me in his future.

 

 

Should I press and try to get him to figure out whether he would want all that with me? Or forget it and risk investing myself in someone who isn't going to make the big commitment?

[Man with Dog]

 

He is a medical student and has a couple years to go before he starts working... To him his adult life hasn't really begun yet...

 

 

This really answers it all. Even though you are younger you are at a more "advanced" stage of life than he is. I know a couple very well who are in their early 20s and been together for 6 years. As they are both planning to go back to university, there are no discussions about further commitment.

 

I see both your points, though. I didn't meet my wife until I was nearly 34 but would have preferred it to have been earlier.

 

Good luck.

[mhowe]

He is in medical school --- he has residencies, and upon completion --- a job to find to start his career. He isn't looking farther than that.

You are --- and that is fine.

 

But if you want to be married and starting a family in 5 years --- he isn't necessarily the right guy for you.

Since you are only one year into it --- maybe you should find someone who is closer to the same page.

Right now, you aren't even in the same book.

[abitbroken]

I think you can't present things as a vague "marching towards the future" theme. You have to be blunt. Tell him that in the next five years, you see yourself married and on the road to having kids. What does he want in the future after med school? Don't water it down "or living together" because he could then move in in five years and never marry you. If he tells you he will never marry, then end the relationship. If he tells you that he WANTS to marry and have kids but right now finishing school is what he wants to put all his energy into first - then that might be okay. But if he says "oh, who knows what the future brings," give things a timeline.

[Snny]

School takes priority over marriage. It always does. He is in NO position to take on the provider roles like you already are. It would be very unfair to both of you if he said he is thinking about marriage when the reality is... He may not know how long it will take to finish school OR if he will find employment right after.

 

I am engaged to a med school graduate who went in nursing and sonography. When he graduated, it took him 9 months to find employment (part of it was he slacked). He still hasn't landed in the field he trained for (he left nursing for ultrasound because of hours and bare pay) and is back working overnight hours.

 

How long have you both been dating?

[Man with Dog]

Don't wish to spoil things even more but people can get married and still split from you. Life commitment means little or nothing these days. The average length of a marriage in the UK is now only 11 years.

 

These days "moving in" usually occurs before marriage and many people have children and get married later or never get married at all.

 

My daughter, for example, does not want all the "big day" fuss and expense. This is just as well as I don't have either the cash or credit facility.

[whitwhit]

I am engaged to a med school graduate who went in nursing and sonography. When he graduated, it took him 9 months to find employment (part of it was he slacked). He still hasn't landed in the field he trained for (he left nursing for ultrasound because of hours and bare pay) and is back working overnight hours.

 

How long have you both been dating?

 

We have been dating for almost a year. We live in Japan, and he aims to become a heart surgeon or trauma surgeon. I work in early childhood education.

 

From what he tells me, there is a good chance he'll get into the field of his choice. The job market is really good right now for Doctors here. And as far as graduating medical school, in Japan, once you get into college, its pretty hard to flunk out. He doesn't have so much anxiety about his ability to provide in the future. He does feel anxious about the amount he will have to work once he does get a residency and eventually, a job. As you may know, regardless of field- Japanese workers have crazy long hours and doctors are no exception (but they don't work day long shifts like they do in the states, its usually like 12-14 hours in a row or the like).

 

 

I think he knows that right now life is fairly fun and free, and it won't always be like that.

[mhowe]

What is your point?

[abitbroken]

That doesn't really matter as far as marriage goes. Lots of people have good job prospects but want to put college behind them before they even think about settling down. And what is "fun and free" about trying to get your degree? That's hard work, too. And the job market can change

 

Also, if you are from America - do you intend on settling in Japan for the rest of your life? And how do his parents feel about him dating or potentially marrying someone who is not a Japanese citizen, or is not of Japanese heritage? I would say there could be the same uncertainty as someone who lives in the United states dating a student from another country - will that person want you to move back to their country with them or will they disappear if not?

 

I really think that you need to consider these things and consider if you guys have a long term future - because if you see yourself moving back near your folks when you have babies and he would never want to move to America or cannot, then there is no point of being upset that he is not seeing a future right now.

 

I know you are eager for him to commit - but really think it through. Him not wanting to commit is not a reflection on your worthiness. At all. He just does not have babies on the radar. Many men want to feel that they have arrived in their profession before even considering a family.

 

And one year is NOT long to be dating as far as settling down goes...