Break up and Divorce! DESPERATE NEED OF ADVICE

[Rihanna]

Hi Everyone, this story may be long but I need to share everything in order to receive full advice, I'm in much need of advice.

 

So, 10 years ago at age 21 I get married to a successful man who is 10 years older than me. The marriage was a big failure from the start. First, he never came home always out clubbing and taking drugs, he was emotionally distant, financially stingy (on me) and due to drug habit abusive too... few years after the marriage, he lost EVERYTHING his profession, his money etc... and instead of leaving this ty marriage I decided to clean him from all his bad habits, the gambling problem he had, drinking and most of all the many hard drugs he was into. I suffer a great deal to reform him and it takes me years to turn him from someone on the streets to a respectable human being with a decent profession (different to his first), we move to the city together and struggle there for a couple of years until we get on our feet financially to rent our own place, and since I've saved his life he's dedicated every bit of him to me but not out of love I guess, maybe out of guilt. In the ten year marriage, we've never had sex or maybe once or twice I can't remember there was no spark or connection then, we got busy with life and the horrid mistakes he's made and I got to clean after him and now, he is a well respected man, he's been reformed, has a great career and making money. But due to the lack of emotions between us, he's always treated me like a girl and called me 'angel' lots but also, he's always said 'I don't want to break you' which is very very weird cos I know men like to have sex but he's extremely impotent that even viagra wasn't working.

 

So, about a year ago I met someone that I had GREAT connection with, we just hit if off from 'hello'... I told my husband about him of course and asked him if I could spend a day with him and my husband agreed since that guy and I share the same artistic interest. Anyway, that guy and I fall in love head over heels, I am beautiful, well educated and although I didn't work in the workplace much to earn my own money BIG MISTAKE! I always had my husband pampering me (even now although I left him). So, the guilt of loving the other guy eats at me that last August I pack my stuff, go to the country where my family lives, and instead of shutting up I tell them that my husband never slept with me and I fell for the other guy. First question (obviously), why did you stay in the marriage for TEN years? and my answer never made sense to anyone that 'I raised this human being, it's all the work I've done and I do love him just not like a husband so I stayed to protect him and allow him look after me in return' BIG MISTAKE! But the bigger mistake is that my family wasn't welcoming and I gave up and went back to my husband to work things out. My husband didn't seem much keen on working on our marriage as he was sure that counsellors would tell me to leave him since he's never slept in the same bed with me even but also all the hurt he's caused me in the past. So, although I resist answering my phone in the beginning guess who calls me? the other guy, just professing his big love for me, never felt this way about anyone, give me one chance and truth I felt the same for him. This guy, changed a lot his looks, his behaviour, he stopped drinking and going out, his aim was to work and save so that we could be together and I on the other hand, rang up a college and started immediately in order to change my life as well so that this new guy and I could build a life together. Things were going accordingly, I started working close to home and study was well and everything was ok on his end too. Then, my husband couldn't take my absence from home due to this guy and I felt awful for him that I thought it was time to move out. moving out wasn't the mistake here but moving in with the new guy and not having my own income anymore (i left my job cos it was too close to my husband fearing he would barge in everyday). So, everything was going well with me and this new guy although he took me to his family home and introduced me to everyone as his fiance, he was over the moon and I was very happy as wel, and we even went on a little get away we were very happl. I felt strong with him and like I could do anything! Then, out of no where he injures his shoulder badly and because he works for himself he has no other income to support him, he became depressed and angry at everyone and he said to me 'I don't want to lose you because I love you, call your mum and go back home. PLEASE NOTE THAT FROM THE DAY OF INJURY TO ME LEAVING HAPPENED IN ONLY ONE WEEK! So I didn't even have time to look for accommodation cos apparently since we lived with his family, his family didn't want the responsibility of me being there anymore especially cos he didn't want to stay either, so it would be weird for me to stay anyway although his family LOVED me but this is all because of money! So, he takes me to the airport and gives me some money, tells me he loves me, I ask will we see each other again? he answers, why are you saying this of course we will. Then, he said 'at least we didn't fight, right?' I don't know what he meant by that! Anyway I leave and come back to my family (how embarrassing, at age 32!)

 

My husband on the other hand wants me back! he says he's losing weight, looking after himself and I said it's not about that and he said of course it is I know I've let myself go etc... I'm changing and nothing I haven't heard from him say before! But the other guy I'm in love with, has cut all form of communication since I've been in the country and only talked to me once to ask what I want to do with my stuff since he only gave me a day to pack and leave and I asked him if he could keep my books with him and he agreed. That was it! I tried to text and call in the beginning and wasn't receiving any replies. I spoke with his brother a couple of times and his brother said that he's still in agony, pain and not talking to anyone. But then, he also stopped answering my texts and I'm doing No Contact this is my third week. I check the whatsapp time and my ex is on almost everyday once or twice max but never to me.

 

My husband on the other hand has been good and supporting me. He wants me back and now I'm all confused cos I MISS THE CITY so much but I don't want to go back to a failed marriage just to move into the city and have stability in my life. Or should I? I do have feelings for him of course, it's been ten years but not in the way I should. I miss my boyfriend of one year more because we had intimacy and connection, something my husband and I have missed during our marriage, or that his reckless drug, alcohol etc... behaviour may have washed that love away.

 

I'm confused, I don't know whether i should settle in the country for a while (like a year) and proceed with the divorce? Should I wait for my ex to heal from his pain and depression? Do you think my ex (boyfriend) and I have a chance together since I fell for someone who doesn't have a stable job, or home, or money? Do you think it was real love? we were envied wherever we went cos of the way we loved each other, it's INSANE! (but we can be apart as well, we're not addicted to each other). Do you think my ex boyfriend will get in touch with me? Do you think if my husband and I worked at the marriage seriously it could be successful? Do you think that I'll get past this love for my ex boyfriend? Do you think I'm feeling this way cos my ex boyfriend is the only person I've slept with/made love to? Do you think this is classic example of lust vs love? or that because there's no intimacy in my marriage I found that elsewhere? or that my ex boyfriend and I do have something very special that we can work on together, and work ourselves up from rock bottom? PLEASE HELP with these answers and extra advice!

 

THANK YOU ALL VERY VERY MUCH!

[Iggles]

Well, aren't you quite the martyr.. You put yourself in the caretaker role and spent 10 years "helping" a man you never truly loved while enjoying the social status and money from being his wife. In what world is this dynamic healthy? And you're considering going back only because your boyfriend suddenly dumped you and kicked you out.

 

It speaks volumes that your family was unsympathetic to your situation when you left your husband. Perhaps they're seeing something that you don't see about your behavior and poor judgement..

 

As for guy #2, he kicked you out knowing your were dependent on him. He is not your husband so he is not obligated to support you financially/split his income with you. You should not rely on whomever you're involved with at the moment to provide for your lifestyle.

 

This isn't an either/or situation. You aren't limited to just two choices -- husband vs ex-boyfriend. You could choose yourself, and for the first time in over 10 years go it alone. Find a job and shared housing with roommates. Figure out who you are as an individual -- not part of a couple.

[Iggles]

I don't know what he meant by that! Anyway I leave and come back to my family (how embarrassing, at age 32!)

 

All things considered, I think it's more embarrassing that a 32 year old not-yet-divorced woman would move in with a boyfriend that lives at home with his family..

[SooSad33]

Re your marriage? No. I dont think it'll work. YOu were 'lacking' a few ways , which is why you moved on to someone who gave it to you, didnt you?

 

Real 'Love'? I dont feel real love is anywhere here. To fall for a guy and also keep the Ex in mind and now totally CONFUSED as it sounds, I think YOU need some serious down time.. alone!

 

This is all it is.. >"Do you think this is classic example of lust? or that because there's no intimacy in my marriage I found that elsewhere?"

 

How about you just aim at remaining on your own for a while now. Be involved with No one. Work on YOU and get yourself and those confused emotions all straightened out?

[Tayla92]

How about this..

 

Stop looking for income from your partners and go out there and find yourself a job.

 

Be independent, find out who you truly are.

 

You do not need a man, especially if there is no love whatsoever in a marriage and you are only there to protect him and share his income.

 

And your ex boyfriend, well he sounds pretty immature..

 

Sorry to break it to you, but you need to start doing things for yourself. That's the only way you'll ever learn.

[Rihanna]

thank you all for this awakening! I feel horrible about myself, I didn't marry for social status I did love my husband... I have to do this on my own from now on and it's scary but can be done! I'm so ashamed of all my failings

[sharky988]

As I posted in your other thread, I vote for: "C, none of the above."

 

Neither your ex-boyfriend or your ex-husband sound like good options. I think you're afraid of being alone so, right now, you're trying to put a good spin on either or both of them... but in life, sometimes you need to move FORWARD and away from old relationships that don't work.

 

It's not in your best interest to cling to a past relationship(s) out of fear of the unknown or fear of being alone or supporting yourself. Sounds simple to say, right? But you need to have faith in yourself. Keep growing and moving forward and you'll bring good things into your life -- including healthier new relationships.

 

There's no need to be ashamed -- you were very young when you got married and the choices you made were the best you could at the time. NOW, however, you're older and more experienced and can make more informed choices... you can take care of yourself without relying on a man to support you... you can choose to move FORWARD, not back!

[Rihanna]

Thank you but I feel like I've worked so hard on my ex husband, made him who he is and now after many many years of suffering financially and emotionally (despite what the above statements from others say cos obviously they think I was in it for the money, WHAT MONEY?) I feel like all my work has gone to rubbish! despite what others may say, I did work a bit but my priority back in the day was his health especially cos he was an addict (to many things). And yes, it is wrong to have a boyfriend whilst married (very very wrong), but I've been married for ten years and my first sexual experience was few months ago with someone else! My ex husband is not a bad person and he keeps begging for me back, I know I need to look after myself and I'm not afraid of that, what i'm mostly scared for is growing old alone and never having a chance of a family... I had depression for many years and thought love was the answer, it was for a while with the boyfriend but now I see it for what it was, lust and unrealistic. Everyone I know are in successful marriages with kids and looking at my life the disappointment was too large to handle that instead of fighting for my life, i settled and slept for many years... crying won't help and I'm afraid of suicidal thoughts cos I am capable of acting upon my dark thoughts... My ex husband is extremely sorry for all he's done although I did the wrong lately! All I ever wanted back when I got married was a home, a small family and a dog... not hard to get for others but for me, I couldn't get a husband to stay clean and sleep with me if only one anniversary out of the ten... he said he's doing some hard changes in his life and good luck to him! Although this forum is really harsh I really appreciate the wake up calls I'm getting and if there's anything else I should know please don't spare to tell me... I'm so upset I feel sick ALL THE TIME! Thank you all especially Sharky...

[sharky988]

All that work and time and effort you poured into your husband..... now is the time to take all that energy and dedication and pour it into YOURSELF and rebuilding your life.

 

You're still very young and have plenty of time to get your life on track, to find love again and have a family and a house and a dog.

 

If you feel like it's too much and are having suicidal thoughts, please get some help!!! If you can't afford counselling, there's a hotline you can call anytime to talk about it: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Another good resource for free therapy and peer support is Al-Anon, which is a group created to help those who are (or have been) involved with alcoholics and addicts.

[offplanet]

I also think you should go out on your own and give yourself the chance to meet someone with whom you can have a family. Not the ex boyfriend, he seems to want to distance himself, and not your husband because if you're not having sex you would never be able to have children which would be a pity. You're still young and you have a lot to give, and time to find someone.

[abitbroken]

You need to find a career of your own. Being the young, beautiful arm candy of someone is not going to work forever. Also, you are terribly codependent. You are "making yourself needed" by fixing someone, etc.

 

I think you should forget about the boyfriend forever. It could never last because you are a married woman. I think that because you made a commitment to him, you should go to personal counseling for yourself to unpack all this and also attend CODA - a support group for codependency in addition to Al-Anon.

 

You should also go to marriage counseling. Or you should end the marriage. Of both the men, you should be with your husband because you are married to him - but neither man is healthy for you because you are not healthy. But false pretenses, etc, i would consider that grounds for divorce if there is not some major changes on each of your own. The whole situation isn't healthy and you are just going to look elsewhere for another guy/

 

I would probably see if I could stay away from the husband also so you can get the help YOU need.

[Tayla92]

My post did seem quite harsh, but it needed to be said for you to realize what's going on.

 

You may think you have failed quite a few times throughout your life, but who hasn't. I know I have, and I hate looking back and thinking about those times because I'm only dwelling and that gets you nowhere.

 

To get where you want to be, you are the only person who can make yourself get there. Learn to live again and find your purpose. When you're truly happy within yourself and what you have come to be, only then should you become invested in another persons life.

 

You'll get there.

[Rihanna]

I feel sick ALL THE TIME! My husband calls and wants me back but how could I after everything? I've begged him to go counselling before I met my boyfriend and he always said it's a waste of money that they'll tell me to end the marriage cos there was zero intimacy and romance from day one. I feel horrible! I miss my home but not my lonely nights where I lay night after night year after year in bed alone. I miss the little good qualities in him but it's not fair that I should and I think I miss him only because my boyfriend is absent and in no contact with me at all. But for some reason, my care for the boyfriend is less and less every day which is also upsetting me cos I think my feelings have tricked me into believing it was 'real love' but now I see it may have been something to fill the void in my life, or I'm still confused. Anyway, I'm taking all of your advice and giving myself time by myself, I'm planning to finish college here in the country and get a job then see where life takes me from there... But every time i think about my loneliness and where I've ended I feel extremely sick, depressed, lonely and ASHAMED! Does anyone think it 'could' work if I went back to my husband since he's finally realised he's let himself completely go (emotionally and physically) and is willing to do the work and so have I (I've let myself go in a way I didn't achieve independence)... what do you guys think?

[bulletproof]

Does anyone think it 'could' work if I went back to my husband since he's finally realised he's let himself completely go (emotionally and physically) and is willing to do the work and so have I (I've let myself go in a way I didn't achieve independence)... what do you guys think?

 

I doubt very much it could work. Ten years is long enough to figure that out. You said he was clean for some of it and still didn't want to have sex with you. You need to face that reality and move on.

 

This all seems to be stemming from loneliness. You really sound like you need some therapy because your codependency seems to be influencing all of your choices.