A cruel break up story..

[staysound]

so where I ended up is starting to be a bit of a saga, one that I now stopped to continue but I need some light on what happened to me.

You can find my previous post (last one) here:

 

This is quite a long story again, I tried to cut it down a little, but I feel like I need to put out the details...

 

After his talk with his ex, he contacted me the next day, said they only spoke about their daughter and how he could be there more for her and their kid.

We had a long talk, I decided to believe him, told him how ready I was to be in a relationship, true sense of the word, and he said he was too.

We talked about it of course, he assured me he wanted to be with me, had a lovely two weeks afterwards. We live together, just to make clear.

 

We had planned a road trip a long while ago, to go to Spain with his van.

Everything was looking good, we left last week on saturday (the 10th) and had a good time. Got to the south of spain, found some good spots, laughed, had fun. Just our normal selves.

On the fourth day however, he had 2 beers and one wine and he got drunk already. (He had had this once before only the friday before, I wouldn't say we are heavy drinkers, but we don't get drunk after two beers and one wine also, so I don't know, I think it's strange)

We stationed our car in a forest and he started to cook us a meal, after that we took a walk but it was getting really too hot out there.

Because the spot we had wasn't 100% anyway and he was getting more drunk (I wasn't) we decided to go to the nearest city to eat again and maybe go out.

I parked the van in the city (we slept in the van) and we went out for a few more drinks. Still, the mood was ok and fun.

He asked me to ask the bartender where we could go to a club nearby, I didn't really feel like it, but asked anyway and the bartender gave me an adress so we went in that direction. On our way we passed the street where the van was parked and I noticed just how steep the road was where it was parked and said that we couldn't possibly sleep in that position and I wanted to move the van. He didn't want to do that, still, me being practically sober could see how maybe he could sleep anywhere that night, I still wanted to move the van in case I did have to much too drink and had to move it after our club visit.

He started to really get on my case but I insisted so he hopped in the van as well. There he started to yell at me and I tried to make sense to him, it didn't work. He said I always had to have my way and many more accusations and I ignored him while I was driving and looking for a spot.

apparently by ignoring him I touched his buttons that bad that he pushed me, threw his package of tobacco all over me, I parked the van where I could and went into the back saying this is where we were going to stay, I had enough, wasn't going anywhere anymore and that he couldn't and I wouldn't let him be so abusive to me.

Please note, this is a person who not as much as raised his voice to me, especially not in this abusive manner.

He proceeded to punch me with his feet into the back of the van.

This lasted throughout the night, when he woke up every one or two hours and because I said that if he continued like this I was going to take the next plane home, he yelled at me that I had to leave the van.

I refused, this was in the middle of the night in a strange and far away city, I was scared and didn't want to be alone.

Next day I did drive in the direction of the city's airport while he was telling me how everything was my fault and that I didn't realise how I had behaved, how controlling and me ignoring him wasn't something he would allow (or something like that, I can't remember exactly).

He wanted me to apologize for the things I had done (?) and he said he was sorry for drinking too much and throwing his tobacco all over me.

Al the rest, he said, was because I pushed his buttons that hard so that's how he responded. To me, abusers' talk number one. Still, in that moment, I was so hurt and dissapointed in him, I couldn't believe this was the same man I knew and loved, I did end up apologizing for whatever it was I had done to him and we decided to continue our road trip.

He guilt tripped me almost throughout the day and every time I said I still didn't know what it was I did wrong he shook his head or sighed or said 'oh my god Staysound you must be kidding me', all these kind of things, but all he can say is that I 'ignored' him and to me that is not a sufficient reason enough to do to me what he had done. (his reaction to my supposedly awful behaviour)

 

Anyway, fast forward two days, we had booked a hotel and were driving back from dinner from another smaller city and I used my iphone to get the directions back. I mean, again he had too much to drink and he said he wanted to drive but I said I was going to and I was going to give him my iphone (the gps all set) and all he had to do was follow the app and tell me where to drive (it was pitch black dark so we really needed the phone and not his 'normal' road map)

He tried for a couple of minutes to use my phone but then refused and because I couldn't stop on this small mountain road I grabbed the phone myself to look up the road.

He started again with this same scenario of a couple of days earlier and as I said 'I'm not doing this again', I took the first stop I could and said he had to drive.

He then said he had it with me, I was a control freak and all the same insults he had thrown at me and I said fine, then we're done.

 

Next day, again, he didn't say sorry or anything, I had to according to him and he still wanted us to travel on.

At this point I was so confused, we were in the middle of nowhere, in a small hotel where there's no buses, I don't understand the language at all,

again I agreed to still travel on.

But I was in no talking modus.

We drove to a camping near the beach, he went to the beach all day and I just sat there crying and wondering where my boyfriend went to.

This wasn't the guy I knew, not by far.

 

When he came back, he cooked us dinner (what strange behaviour I think..), I had no appetite what so ever, I tried to talk to him, plead with him to tell me what was *really* going on, all he did was mimick my every move and word like a little child and I told him he was being a child and something else was the matter. I wasn't going to take anymore blame. He then went to the camping restaurant, I took a shower and went after.

Again I tried to talk to him and then he said he was through, he knew his own worth and he could find somebody waaaaaay better then me, he found it weird that I even have friends, that I was being a big baby for crying all this time.

 

This was for me the final straw, I phoned a friend to help me find a last minute ticket back home, in the morning I told him he needed to drive me to the nearest airport which he did, and an hour before we arrive there he says he wasn't going to continue this holiday by himself as he first said, but if I wanted I could drive with him the whole way back home (21h of driving).

Because I'm in no position to pay for an expensive plane ticket I agreed, we drove the whole way back in a day and a half without so much as speaking (my choice).

Whenever I did say something he laughed at me.

 

He didn't try to be constructive during the drive but did say I wasn't 'normal' for not saying a word during this whole drive to home.

I was/am just so encridibly hurt, confused and I feel such massive dissapointment. This is a man I have been living with for the last 8 months and this is how he treats me, on our holiday in a foreign country?

 

 

So now I'm home since this afternoon, after only 9 days being away, and 4 of them were absolutely horrible.

 

What happened to the man I tought was a kindhearted gentlemen, who maybe had an issue or two but who turned this cold towards me after a fight that was about absolutely nothing?

 

I know I already have to move on, this was obviously a very big mistake, our whole relationship was obviously built on make believe and no true respect, but I just want to be able to wrap my head around this.

And I know I'll problably never fully understand but still....

I know what I have to say to myself is that I didn't really do anything wrong and him saying he is worthy of somebody waaaay better than me (he also said in the same sentence that I wasn't even his friend, I was nothing) is evidence enough of his cruelty, but still..

[SooSad33]

Yes, that is painful.. the continous negativity & insults!?

I've heard before that a lot more of the 'truth' comes out when they've been drinking. This guy seems to be acting like a dang Narcassist ( like my ex) and that is a problem!

 

8 months, though.. is really not that long.

But, it's over now. Work on healing from his actions & attitude. And maybe slow things down a bit with the next one.

NO trips until you've been together a lot longer & watch for those 'red flags'.

And NO moving in with anyone so fast! Give it another year, at least.. on top of how long you've known this one.. 8 months?

NO need to rush a good thing.

 

Call it an 'experience' and work on improving from it.

[ParisPaulette]

First your ex has a drinking problem, that's very obvious. Second, when he let his social mask drop what you see is an abusive, irrational jerk. Sorry, all that sweetness up to then was just an act and my guess is it was probably building inside him to let the nasty out and then he did in spades. Sometimes nothing tells us more about a person's true nature than a long trip where it's just the two of you together.

 

He's an irrational A-hole, you dodged a significant bullet. I think the abuse would have just gotten worse and worse until he flat-out hit you. And yes, with abusers it is always your fault no matter how irrational that "logic" from them is. He was able to keep up appearances for a few months and that's it. So take the guy who you were on the trip with who was abusive and there's who he really is. Go NC, block and delete him, tell him you'll file a restraining order if he hunts you down since chances are at some point he'll want to come back and get control of you again. He'll apologize and possibly cry and try to pawn it off on "stress" or something that gosh darn, just wasn't his fault.... And then he'll do it to you again when he knows you're under his control. This will continue as a pattern from here until eternity, because it's not about love with this guy. It's about the need to control and break another person down. And yes, that whole psychotic little break thing he had was about control and breaking you down to be under his control. It had nothing to do with anything you did, because anything you did or didn't do would have gotten the same result. He decided he'd been nice to you long enough and now it was time to let you have it. And then when you fought back instead of caving and giving in he got really nasty, because abusive personalities really don't like it when someone they thought they had total control over stands up to them in any way. No matter how little.

 

He was testing to see how far he could push you and how far down he shove you to stay under his thumb. Learn that this is what an abuser looks like and acts like and show anyone who even shows you one tenth of those type of actions to the door the next time you date someone and there's even a hint of it. You'll be a whole lot better off and possibly still alive too.

 

This all happened, because you were dating and living with someone who is abusive. There is no other reason and it's nothing you can fix, maybe a whole lot of therapy if he ever decides to but that has to be his choice. And I doubt that's going to happen.

[staysound]

Thank you SooSad and ParisPaulette for your replies..

 

What you quoted in Italic, PP, is something he actually said to my face during the fight.

He said I was hammering him about his personality now for so long, he couldn't take it anymore and he lashed out.

Now, I'm not saying he's right, it is true though that he (and I don't use this word all too easily) *never* discusses his emotions, feelings or thoughts, and that in the time we were together I had about 2 break downs over it: about him never expressing feelings of love, not being tender or affectionate (he worked on that and I saw some changes, not a lot but some), again *never* saying he loved me, missed me, anything. His answer every time was that he isn't this kind of mushy person, he shows it in other ways, like always calling when he says he will, doing stuff for me, in hindsight not a lot of stuff though, it was primarily me who did all the shores around the house but that was 'because I had the time and he didn't' ...

 

It is not true however that I 'hammered' him about who he was, I tried to make him come out of his supposed shell, whatever I said to him I said it in a caring and respectful way, I was merely trying to 'fix' him and I can see how wrong that was of me, now. I can only see now that I was trying to fix him, that is definitely my mistake. And sadly, I can really see how 'I touched his buttons too hard', I truly wonder how I can 'unsee' that, because my mind tells me that whatever I said to him I didn't deserve to be treated like a piece of trash you throw away, but my heart makes me feel like I am at fault for what happened, somehow anyway..

He is too broken and nobody can 'fix' him, I can see that now as well. I know he thinks that if I were 'the one' all of this wouldn't have happened, he almost specifically said so.

 

He says he doesn't have any issues, doesn't need help, he is fine the way he is and he will find somebody who feels he is fine the way he is. (I have serious doubts any healthy person would feel he is fine the way he is, but I suppose that is not my problem- any more)

I would have taken those answers into a respectful consideration if they were said to me in a respectful way, but they weren't.

 

What really baffled me is that I did see some red flags in the beginning up until now, but no where in those red flags was there an indication he wouldn't treat me with respect or become physical or even say cruel things to me.

The red flags were more about his past relationship and really nothing more, so I thought.

 

And I do believe now that he has a drinking problem...I lived with an alcoholic (my dad) and to me that would be somebody who drinks everyday and couldn't stop drinking even when everybody around him was suffering from it.

I didn't see this with my boyfriend, it definitely wasn't a day to day thing, frankly I admired how he always had his fruit in the morning (I'm not much for a breakfast eater) and tried to live by a good diet and all.

But I also believe he just wanted to be a better person, have a relationship (with who ever really...) and play house because deep down that is what he wants, only he doesn't seem to be equipped to be in one.

[Iggles]

He's an irrational A-hole, you dodged a significant bullet. I think the abuse would have just gotten worse and worse until he flat-out hit you.

 

He already did..

 

He proceeded to punch me with his feet into the back of the van.

This lasted throughout the night, when he woke up every one or two hours

 

And I think the word you're looking for, OP, is kicked. He kicked you with his feet.

 

This guy is a complete jerk. In the last thread, I felt your characterization of him as "sweet" and "loving" didn't seem to jibe with a man who left his pregnant girlfriend and attempted to reconcile with her while keeping you on the back burner.

 

Clearly he is upset because she wouldn't take him back. He's acting out and being harsh to you. His actions on this trip were terribly abusive. I have to believe this part of him was always there beneath the surface because barring a brain injury such a dramatic personality change does not come from nowhere. He duped you, because that is the real him: passive aggressive, blaming others, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, and physically lashing out.

 

You deserve so much better.

[staysound]

Hi Jiggles,

 

yes, that would be the better word, he kicked me with his feet, he also hit the inside walls of the van a couple of times, and explained to me the next day that is how he expresses his anger (while demonstrating the slamming of the van again) because when he gets really mad 'he needs to punch something' also because he can't talk and analyse everything so fast 'like I can'. (he also has quite a bad stutter, still no excuse)

 

I'm still not sure about the wanting to reconcile with his ex though, it sure felt like that for me, but I doubt he even asked her a question in that direction because he told me many times that would be out of the question for her. I don't think he wanted to loose face to her, just wanted to talk about their past, but hey, I wasn't there, I really can't say..

 

About the change in character, it's not that I hadn't seen about him that he has very little skill in talking about his emotions, he runs away when confronted too hard or too much as he had done twice before, and this was an exceptional situation, he couldn't run away from his car so I guess he wanted me to go instead that very moment (me making it easy for him by saying I would take the next plane) and when I refused (because of reasons mentioned above he began to kick me in the back of the van.

I'm not saying his behavior wasn't abusive, it's just hard trying not take some of the blame which in any other fight one would do that and I would (a fight is always 50/50 I said to him a while ago, and he echoed that right back to me), and in any other fight I would have tried to see the different perspectives and own up to whatever it was that triggered his anger, but his reaction was so over the top and abusive that I know I can't do that.

So he thinks I'm the b*tch in all this because he truly can't see how his stomping me and throwing things over my head is such a bad thing, he told me I was a drama queen and being way too overreacting.

 

I know I wasn't,

I guess I just need to accept that this is how it went and things can never go back again.

I wouldn't allow it even if it could, but it's a bitter pill none the less.

 

Tomorrow morning he's coming over to collect his stuff.

And that will be it.

[ParisPaulette]

Iggles has a good point, I thought he was just kicking the seat, but when I went back and reread it yep, already physically abusive. And I know you say his red flags were only over past relationships, but you have to understand past relationships can be a pretty good indicator of what you're in for. Plus the way he treated you, his lack of communication, his excuses about not needing to exhibit any emotion, his inconsistency between his words and his actions--those are all red flags. You just failed to recognize them as such or glossed them over as not that bad. A lack of good communication though is one of those things that will kill a relationship every time, it's your number one indicator that the relationship has serious problems. If two people can't communicate then there is nothing and you wanting more communication, him not was the big red flag you missed.

 

Also not all alcoholics drink every day or are obvious. It's more about what effect alcohol has on a person and how much that starts to overtake and control their life that is the problem. He may not even per se be an alcoholic, but he has a definite problem with alcohol bringing out his ugly side so it's really kind of splitting hairs at this point.

 

I would leave his stuff in a bag on the doorstep and not even bother talking to him. He's liable to have another go at you verbally and possibly physically if he decides to have one last go at you. One book that I like and recommend is a book called: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. You can find it here on Amazon: link removed. That should give you some very good insight into what you are/were dealing with.

 

What you have to remember and tell yourself is this: no matter what you did, you did not turn irrationally angry and violent the way he did. There is no excuse for how he treated you. None. If you were the biggest B in the world and called him every name in the book it still would not have been a reason for him to do the things to you he did. None. Abusers never think what they've done is bad, they always play the victim. It's one reason why most never change and so many eventually end up in jail (if the rest of us are lucky anyways) having hurt or killed someone. They do not take responsibility for their actions, ever. They see themselves as the victim, because if they had to admit they were wrong they'd go crazy. They are terrified and I do mean terrified of being made to look in the mirror and accept who they really are. What an Fed up way to be, right?

 

If you want to feel bad about something feel bad that you glossed over red flags, learn from the experience, don't repeat it again with him or anyone else. When he tries to turn the charm back on remember him kicking you and tell yourself, "This will happen again or worse." Like I said, I'd just leave the bag on the door with his stuff and not even open it. Or have someone else there with you. Stay safe, cut him out of your life, move on.

[staysound]

hi ParisPaulette,

 

thank you.

I have put all of his stuff in my spare room, the room his daughter slept in..

so tomorrow morning all he'll have to do, and knowing him up till now it's all he will do, is put all that stuff in his van.

He won't go harassing me or something, his pride is worth much more to him than 'some girl' he had a 10 month relationship with. That's the kind of guy he is. It's not about me. That I think is what hurts me the most, I could have been anybody (in hindsight I see this).

 

I think that I don't know the half of what has been or had been going on with him, I think I may just as well be the 'nth girl he has gone through this cycle with. For me, it is really a significant experience, for him, I don't know, but my gut says, not that much.

 

I can't put his stuff on the doorstep, the quantity is too big and also there's a lot of things in there that belong to his daughter, I wouldn't want her to loose anything and still, I just couldn't do that, but he did text me if it was ok if he could 'collect some of his stuff' and I did reply with 'you mean all of your stuff'

 

There is no turning back from this, as much as my emotional fantasy would wish those things in spain never happened, they did.

It's over. Gosh, this has been one hell of a ride..

[staysound]

 

Also not all alcoholics drink every day or are obvious. It's more about what effect alcohol has on a person and how much that starts to overtake and control their life that is the problem. He may not even per se be an alcoholic, but he has a definite problem with alcohol bringing out his ugly side so it's really kind of splitting hairs at this point.

 

One book that I like and recommend is a book called: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. You can find it here on Amazon: link removed. That should give you some very good insight into what you are/were dealing with.

 

 

I'll take a look into that book, thank you.

[Ms Darcy]

What happened to the man I tought was a kindhearted gentlemen, who maybe had an issue or two but who turned this cold towards me after a fight that was about absolutely nothing?

 

I know I already have to move on, this was obviously a very big mistake, our whole relationship was obviously built on make believe and no true respect, but I just want to be able to wrap my head around this.

And I know I'll problably never fully understand but still....

I know what I have to say to myself is that I didn't really do anything wrong and him saying he is worthy of somebody waaaay better than me (he also said in the same sentence that I wasn't even his friend, I was nothing) is evidence enough of his cruelty, but still..

 

Emotionally (and physically) abusive relationships are very hard to understand. You keep wondering why and what you could have done better. Before you get into a pattern of dating similar men, I would suggest that you get some therapy. Talk through all of your feelings and develop strategies to improve your self esteem.